Derpa derp
Uppdaate on life things I suppose, since I... do that. More personal stuff, so ignore if you don't want to get into that, I won't blame you. LJ is my vent, mostly. :)
RIGHT.
Sooo I've been doing better lately. And when I say lately, the past week or so. Since my grandmother didn't have a funeral, I never had to directly deal with her death. Although I would have liked to pay my last respects to her in person, it has helped speed up the healing process. My father called me about a week ago and told me all of the things she left for me -- she wanted me to have a ruby necklace of hers she always wore, because we're both leos. She also left her art supplies and desk to me-- the desk is especially sentimental, since I spent much of my childhood drawing at it. I might not have room for it right now, but I'll find a place.
Things with my father are strange right now. I didn't really talk about the trip after I went to California, but I did have to see him. Surprisingly he left me alone for the most part, although he joined us for dinners and on the last night we had to sleep at the same place. My step-grandmother informed me that he's bipolar, and the years he didn't speak with me were rough patches in his life because he started taking medication to control his temper. It suddenly made so much sense, how extreme his personality always was. And instead of anger and rejection I had been building up for years, I felt... so much pity. He hugged me and told me that he loved me. I hugged him in return and said goodbye, but I wasn't going to say it back. I think I understood. He's been.... very civil about all of this. My mom admitted to me that she still cares about him, and wishes they could be friends. I think we both built up so much resentment, yet in the end we couldn't /hate/ him. I can't hate him. Calvin's my dad. I know that. But my father is... still my father. I'm not ready to love him again. I know he has to earn that from me.
I have felt very hypocritical lately. I make these hateful resolves and I convince myself so well, only for it to fade as soon as I come in contact with these people. I say that I'm /done./ I'm never /done./ This is the realization that I can't hold a damn grudge to save my life, no matter how badly someone might hurt me. Even with the man I should hate the most in this world, I am civil, because I do not know how to be cruel. I smile and hug him and tell him that I love him. It's the greatest lie I've ever managed. With my father, I can't hate him. It melts away. The same issue with Tanner, though considerably on a much smaller scale. I'm always going to care about him. This I can't deny no matter how much I swear and rant and bitch. But now I realize that although I care about him, I need to stop hoping things will someday change. They're not, so although I might still harbor those feelings, it's important to look ahead.
People get hurt. People hurt others. Life is hard, and death happens more than we would like.
But we're human. And strong. We can love and laugh and the memories that lessen the knot in your chest are worth it, in the end.
Wanna scream out
No more hiding
Don't be afraid of what's inside
Gonna tell ya you'll be alright
In the Aftermath
Anytime anybody pulls you down
Anytime anybody says you're not allowed
Just remember you are not alone
In the Aftermath
RIGHT.
Sooo I've been doing better lately. And when I say lately, the past week or so. Since my grandmother didn't have a funeral, I never had to directly deal with her death. Although I would have liked to pay my last respects to her in person, it has helped speed up the healing process. My father called me about a week ago and told me all of the things she left for me -- she wanted me to have a ruby necklace of hers she always wore, because we're both leos. She also left her art supplies and desk to me-- the desk is especially sentimental, since I spent much of my childhood drawing at it. I might not have room for it right now, but I'll find a place.
Things with my father are strange right now. I didn't really talk about the trip after I went to California, but I did have to see him. Surprisingly he left me alone for the most part, although he joined us for dinners and on the last night we had to sleep at the same place. My step-grandmother informed me that he's bipolar, and the years he didn't speak with me were rough patches in his life because he started taking medication to control his temper. It suddenly made so much sense, how extreme his personality always was. And instead of anger and rejection I had been building up for years, I felt... so much pity. He hugged me and told me that he loved me. I hugged him in return and said goodbye, but I wasn't going to say it back. I think I understood. He's been.... very civil about all of this. My mom admitted to me that she still cares about him, and wishes they could be friends. I think we both built up so much resentment, yet in the end we couldn't /hate/ him. I can't hate him. Calvin's my dad. I know that. But my father is... still my father. I'm not ready to love him again. I know he has to earn that from me.
I have felt very hypocritical lately. I make these hateful resolves and I convince myself so well, only for it to fade as soon as I come in contact with these people. I say that I'm /done./ I'm never /done./ This is the realization that I can't hold a damn grudge to save my life, no matter how badly someone might hurt me. Even with the man I should hate the most in this world, I am civil, because I do not know how to be cruel. I smile and hug him and tell him that I love him. It's the greatest lie I've ever managed. With my father, I can't hate him. It melts away. The same issue with Tanner, though considerably on a much smaller scale. I'm always going to care about him. This I can't deny no matter how much I swear and rant and bitch. But now I realize that although I care about him, I need to stop hoping things will someday change. They're not, so although I might still harbor those feelings, it's important to look ahead.
People get hurt. People hurt others. Life is hard, and death happens more than we would like.
But we're human. And strong. We can love and laugh and the memories that lessen the knot in your chest are worth it, in the end.
Wanna scream out
No more hiding
Don't be afraid of what's inside
Gonna tell ya you'll be alright
In the Aftermath
Anytime anybody pulls you down
Anytime anybody says you're not allowed
Just remember you are not alone
In the Aftermath