Happy April!
I just had acupuncture last Tuesday, and right now it feels like I could decide to be any person I want. I feel like space itself, but that in itself won't do. I feel like an Aupaillan dream, but though Aupail is totally dancing, relaxed and free, it's empty of passions. Passion, true Scorpionic passion, comes so often from repressed energy finding a channel - repression which isn't "healthy" in any alternative system of medicine or spiritual practice, so where does that lead? I wrote a scene with Estelle last night where she, coming from a very repressive sort of society and being kind of Puritan in her own spirituality, drinks a tea of the Aupail flower which relaxes her completely, and then is invited to participate in a ritual to rebirth spring along by an older slightly creepy but truly well-meaning Aupaillan man (also a legendary aiki dancer) - her host. As she follows through with the ritual, a certain "madness" overtakes her, a feeling of sensation all over her body, hypersensitivity to everything going around her, every breath of wind, every sigh. This happened once before in the course of the story, and the way she dealt with it was by reading the Scriptures, which said that if madness were acted upon without consciousness, one would become like a beast, "fallen out of God's grace." It is written that one must, when being overtaken by madness, "...swear fealty to Him and be transformed into passionate, complete men and women, purposed and contained..." So at that time she prayed fervently, swearing that she would help to spread God's light into the world. But then during the ritual, when the madness came upon her again, she was confused, because she wanted to read her Scriptures, she wanted to deal with this madness alone, but she was doing this ritual, and it was important, and she also really wanted to continue with it, so she had a panic attack, and the ritual narrator went with it, realizing that this was just her passions stirring wonderfully inside her. Eventually Estelle screamed, and was about ready to leave the ritual, but by then she had moved, she had let her passion out into the world, and Mr. Pike, the older man, skillfully danced with her, moving her passionate energy about the room, scattering it everywhere so that growing things might grow once again, according to the ritual. It was explosive, intense and beautiful, life-changing, the way a ritual should be.
Spring would never have happened so without Estelle's confusion, repression, and subsequent intensification of feelings inside her. But they never would have been expressed so effectively without the spacious freedom of Mr. Pike, leading her about. I don't know. I don't even know what I'm saying. I think I just wanted to gush about my story somewhere.
The point is that I don't want to go back to school - I want to explore this freedom I feel, because I feel like a completely different person than how I've ever been, and I don't want to just be so focused on getting things done that I build cages and walls for myself. Maybe cages and walls are necessary...because being spaciousness itself just doesn't do.
Okay, blah blah blah I'm done.
P.S. Don't think for a moment that the above story description is anything near complete. I'm putting this here for myself so I don't freak out and read it and reread it and say "people won't understand anything about my story from this aieeeeee!"
Spring would never have happened so without Estelle's confusion, repression, and subsequent intensification of feelings inside her. But they never would have been expressed so effectively without the spacious freedom of Mr. Pike, leading her about. I don't know. I don't even know what I'm saying. I think I just wanted to gush about my story somewhere.
The point is that I don't want to go back to school - I want to explore this freedom I feel, because I feel like a completely different person than how I've ever been, and I don't want to just be so focused on getting things done that I build cages and walls for myself. Maybe cages and walls are necessary...because being spaciousness itself just doesn't do.
Okay, blah blah blah I'm done.
P.S. Don't think for a moment that the above story description is anything near complete. I'm putting this here for myself so I don't freak out and read it and reread it and say "people won't understand anything about my story from this aieeeeee!"