(no subject)
I've felt like writing here the past few days, but my day hasn't ended until after 2 every night. So I've sort of just passed out every night. I'm doing ok in that regard, though.
Monday was busy. I had a full day of class, then I had a Beta meeting from 7:30 until about 11. I was glad I went though. I got to see Jeff, one of the guys who recruited me, again, and the whole fraternity had a nice talk. We're down to 18 pledges now, and some of the guys who dropped really surprised us all. So we sat in a big circle, and openly discussed our concerns and worries. Turns out that most of us were way stressed... we're a new fraternity, and we're not even half the size of the others. Yet, we've been trying to do more than them. We really did overextend ourselves, and, in doing so, we might have lost a few brothers.
We reflected on this, and decided we needed to slow things down a little. We aren't an official fraternity until next semester, so we have no obligations. We decided it'd just be best to focus on the brotherhood aspect... to get to know each other better, and to just bond. There's no rush, and we should enjoy ourselves. That's for the best, anyway.
At least, it felt good for the moment... but now everyone seems scared to propose doing ANYTHING. We've stagnated somewhat since then, that's not helping us either. Tomorrow we have our first recruitment event, we're going to a haunted house, so maybe that will get us back on track.
Tuesday was definately better. class wasn't as long, and I got some homework done. That night, there was a free preview of the movie "Stay" being show at the Auditorium, and the director was speaking afterwords. I totally forgot about it, but was reminded and made it on time.
I walked over with a bunch of people, but we ended up getting all split up in the line and people left early. So I ended up sitting with Mandy. The movie was definately awesome. It comes out in theaters for real on Friday, and I reccomend going and seeing it. The Q & A was pretty interesting, too... Marc Forester is a pretty cool director. Very down to earth. We walked back home, and I had to do all the homework I put off. At least the stuff that was due that morning.
Wednesday was really busy, too. I had a full day of class from 9:30 until 3:30, at which point my dad came into town. He took me out to dinner, then ice cream, and then dropped me off at the dorm. That was at about six. I began my homework for engineering, and didn't finish it until 11:30. At this point I debated going to bed, but was quickly drawn into a prank war which eventually escalated into a FeBreeze war. The hall still stinks today!
Today was sort of laid back in comparison. It finally got cold, however, and was raining all day, which made everything seem a little more difficult. I went to my only class of the day to turn in my engineering homework, and then headed over to the hospital briefly. I returned to the dorm to find Dave was really sick, and wanted to sleep. SO I worked on homework for awhile, then headed off to my one on one Beta Meeting. After that was over, I didn't have much to do, so I tried to get a head start on my weeks work. I am now slightly ahead, actually! :D
I went to dinner, then wrapped up a few problems until I had to leave for my Medicus meeting. This week, they had five Med Students come in and talk about school, applications and tests. They didn't really abate my fears, but one of them is an advisor to my fraternity. When we first met, he said he'd make sure I could get into med school, so that should be ok.
The rest of the night is pretty uneventful, and now I'm here writing while Dave watches TV until the Nyquil kicks in. This is a pretty lengthy post right here, but I regret to inform you I'm just getting to the meat of tonight's entry... what I feel like I really need to talk about.
First of all, I want to rant about girls for a bit. I haven't talked to Jill in a week, and I don't mind one bit. I don't feel the same way about her anymore. I guess I realized I was just being used somewhat for school help... and I guess there's nothing inherently wrong with that, but it's not what I want. So screw her for now. If she wants to talk to me again, we'll talk through this and see where we end up. But I'm ok with just dropping everything with her right now.
And really, I guess, dropping everything with anyone of the female gender. I simply do not have the energy or the desire to find out why girls do or don't like me, let alone who falls into each camp. I guess you could say I stopped caring. My personality just doesn't seem to mesh with relationships, nor does it with the drunken one night stand aspects. So I'll be alone for now, until standards change with age, situation, or just the times. It sort of sucks, but I'll be ok. I no longer need to stress out about the fairer sex, at least. One insight, though... I've heard if you can make a girl laugh, you can win her heart. That doesn't seem to be my forte, I can move people, and I can make them cry, but not laugh. I think I still have alot of growing up to do on this whole front.
Now my next point is something a little closer to home for most of you who read this journal. Ever since I've gone to college, I've been changing. Quite a lot, really. And, as people change, some things they were once very interested in no longer hold a candle to what has their attention. The Internet has lost it's appeal to me.
Sure, I read email, and I log on to instant messenger programs occasionally, but most of it seems so... I don't know. I talked it over wit a few people, and the conclusion we reached was that it's a general lack of maturity. Now, I'm not trying to be Mr. High and Mighty with a Stick Up His Ass, but I think if you think about it, you'll come to the same conclusion.
All in all, the web seems like a negative place. People revert to a stage where the feelings of others seem to matter very little, and are drawn into a fantasy world, it seems. Now don't get me wrong, a nonreality is a great method to escape from the problems of the day. But I worry, for many people, it isn't just an escape anymore. It's a crutch. It was for me, and recognizing that was very difficult.
And maybe it is just me, or maybe I'm just burnt out due to stress. Maybe, after I recharge my batteries and clear my head I'll think everything I said is silly. But maybe I'm right, too. All I know is that the longer I'm away, the less I want to return to a time when I spend hours a day on a message board, or sitting on an MSN chat typing furiously to be the first to make a joke tied to the latest 4chan trend or numbing my mind with talk I don't understand.
I don't mean to offend anyone. This is just my perception. It just feels like I had a wake up call in which I realized I was wasting too much time. College, and its tighter schedule, forced me away. And, once I was away, I was able to take a look at myself and my habits. And, honestly, I didn't like what I saw. Maybe, if you do the same you will like your reflection, and that's great. But this just doesn't seem to be for me anymore.
This isn't to say I'm going to drop off of the face of the earth. I like sing instant messenger to carry on a conversation with friends, and those of you reading my journal are most definately my friends. I'll just be there less often. And when I am there, the latest joke probably will fly right over my head. And now that doesn't bother me one bit.
Like I said... I've changed a lot as a reaction to what I saw when I took a good hard look at myself. And I couldn't have done it without support from the outside world. I'm still changing now, and change is good. Even though things often go wrong, and even though it gets tough... I can end almost everyday with a smile now. I may be lonely, but I'm not alone. I may lack confidence, but I have self esteem. I'm sad, but I'm optimistic. And that makes everything that much better, even if it's not all ok.
I realize all of this sounds a little harsh, but I just tried to flow and type what came to mind. I don't mean any offense to anyone, and I don't mean to critisize anyone except myself. I care about all of you. I didn't care for myself. Maybe, now I'm starting to. But that isn't the same exact person you met such a long time ago. I used to wish I could be more like I was when I was online... to live up to my online persona, my ideal. That's no longer the case. I'm not entirely sure what it means, but I feel that it's a very good thing.
I should stop now or I'll write all night.
Monday was busy. I had a full day of class, then I had a Beta meeting from 7:30 until about 11. I was glad I went though. I got to see Jeff, one of the guys who recruited me, again, and the whole fraternity had a nice talk. We're down to 18 pledges now, and some of the guys who dropped really surprised us all. So we sat in a big circle, and openly discussed our concerns and worries. Turns out that most of us were way stressed... we're a new fraternity, and we're not even half the size of the others. Yet, we've been trying to do more than them. We really did overextend ourselves, and, in doing so, we might have lost a few brothers.
We reflected on this, and decided we needed to slow things down a little. We aren't an official fraternity until next semester, so we have no obligations. We decided it'd just be best to focus on the brotherhood aspect... to get to know each other better, and to just bond. There's no rush, and we should enjoy ourselves. That's for the best, anyway.
At least, it felt good for the moment... but now everyone seems scared to propose doing ANYTHING. We've stagnated somewhat since then, that's not helping us either. Tomorrow we have our first recruitment event, we're going to a haunted house, so maybe that will get us back on track.
Tuesday was definately better. class wasn't as long, and I got some homework done. That night, there was a free preview of the movie "Stay" being show at the Auditorium, and the director was speaking afterwords. I totally forgot about it, but was reminded and made it on time.
I walked over with a bunch of people, but we ended up getting all split up in the line and people left early. So I ended up sitting with Mandy. The movie was definately awesome. It comes out in theaters for real on Friday, and I reccomend going and seeing it. The Q & A was pretty interesting, too... Marc Forester is a pretty cool director. Very down to earth. We walked back home, and I had to do all the homework I put off. At least the stuff that was due that morning.
Wednesday was really busy, too. I had a full day of class from 9:30 until 3:30, at which point my dad came into town. He took me out to dinner, then ice cream, and then dropped me off at the dorm. That was at about six. I began my homework for engineering, and didn't finish it until 11:30. At this point I debated going to bed, but was quickly drawn into a prank war which eventually escalated into a FeBreeze war. The hall still stinks today!
Today was sort of laid back in comparison. It finally got cold, however, and was raining all day, which made everything seem a little more difficult. I went to my only class of the day to turn in my engineering homework, and then headed over to the hospital briefly. I returned to the dorm to find Dave was really sick, and wanted to sleep. SO I worked on homework for awhile, then headed off to my one on one Beta Meeting. After that was over, I didn't have much to do, so I tried to get a head start on my weeks work. I am now slightly ahead, actually! :D
I went to dinner, then wrapped up a few problems until I had to leave for my Medicus meeting. This week, they had five Med Students come in and talk about school, applications and tests. They didn't really abate my fears, but one of them is an advisor to my fraternity. When we first met, he said he'd make sure I could get into med school, so that should be ok.
The rest of the night is pretty uneventful, and now I'm here writing while Dave watches TV until the Nyquil kicks in. This is a pretty lengthy post right here, but I regret to inform you I'm just getting to the meat of tonight's entry... what I feel like I really need to talk about.
First of all, I want to rant about girls for a bit. I haven't talked to Jill in a week, and I don't mind one bit. I don't feel the same way about her anymore. I guess I realized I was just being used somewhat for school help... and I guess there's nothing inherently wrong with that, but it's not what I want. So screw her for now. If she wants to talk to me again, we'll talk through this and see where we end up. But I'm ok with just dropping everything with her right now.
And really, I guess, dropping everything with anyone of the female gender. I simply do not have the energy or the desire to find out why girls do or don't like me, let alone who falls into each camp. I guess you could say I stopped caring. My personality just doesn't seem to mesh with relationships, nor does it with the drunken one night stand aspects. So I'll be alone for now, until standards change with age, situation, or just the times. It sort of sucks, but I'll be ok. I no longer need to stress out about the fairer sex, at least. One insight, though... I've heard if you can make a girl laugh, you can win her heart. That doesn't seem to be my forte, I can move people, and I can make them cry, but not laugh. I think I still have alot of growing up to do on this whole front.
Now my next point is something a little closer to home for most of you who read this journal. Ever since I've gone to college, I've been changing. Quite a lot, really. And, as people change, some things they were once very interested in no longer hold a candle to what has their attention. The Internet has lost it's appeal to me.
Sure, I read email, and I log on to instant messenger programs occasionally, but most of it seems so... I don't know. I talked it over wit a few people, and the conclusion we reached was that it's a general lack of maturity. Now, I'm not trying to be Mr. High and Mighty with a Stick Up His Ass, but I think if you think about it, you'll come to the same conclusion.
All in all, the web seems like a negative place. People revert to a stage where the feelings of others seem to matter very little, and are drawn into a fantasy world, it seems. Now don't get me wrong, a nonreality is a great method to escape from the problems of the day. But I worry, for many people, it isn't just an escape anymore. It's a crutch. It was for me, and recognizing that was very difficult.
And maybe it is just me, or maybe I'm just burnt out due to stress. Maybe, after I recharge my batteries and clear my head I'll think everything I said is silly. But maybe I'm right, too. All I know is that the longer I'm away, the less I want to return to a time when I spend hours a day on a message board, or sitting on an MSN chat typing furiously to be the first to make a joke tied to the latest 4chan trend or numbing my mind with talk I don't understand.
I don't mean to offend anyone. This is just my perception. It just feels like I had a wake up call in which I realized I was wasting too much time. College, and its tighter schedule, forced me away. And, once I was away, I was able to take a look at myself and my habits. And, honestly, I didn't like what I saw. Maybe, if you do the same you will like your reflection, and that's great. But this just doesn't seem to be for me anymore.
This isn't to say I'm going to drop off of the face of the earth. I like sing instant messenger to carry on a conversation with friends, and those of you reading my journal are most definately my friends. I'll just be there less often. And when I am there, the latest joke probably will fly right over my head. And now that doesn't bother me one bit.
Like I said... I've changed a lot as a reaction to what I saw when I took a good hard look at myself. And I couldn't have done it without support from the outside world. I'm still changing now, and change is good. Even though things often go wrong, and even though it gets tough... I can end almost everyday with a smile now. I may be lonely, but I'm not alone. I may lack confidence, but I have self esteem. I'm sad, but I'm optimistic. And that makes everything that much better, even if it's not all ok.
I realize all of this sounds a little harsh, but I just tried to flow and type what came to mind. I don't mean any offense to anyone, and I don't mean to critisize anyone except myself. I care about all of you. I didn't care for myself. Maybe, now I'm starting to. But that isn't the same exact person you met such a long time ago. I used to wish I could be more like I was when I was online... to live up to my online persona, my ideal. That's no longer the case. I'm not entirely sure what it means, but I feel that it's a very good thing.
I should stop now or I'll write all night.