Dreams and Things
I haven't updated since before Christmas, so I probably should write some.
I'm not going to lie, I've been pretty bored recently. School doesn't start for three weeks, and, even though I'm not out of my mind yet, I feel like I might be getting there. My friends are all at their homes, and that's kind of far away, for the most part. I guess I miss them a bit. Life at home is so slow compared to that at college. Something was always going on back there... even if we weren't really doing anything. I'm still trying my best to enjoy being at home, because I know I'll miss it when I leave again, but something's weird. I guess I'm starting to feel like it's time to move on... I can't really live at home that much longer. I'll need to find my own place within a couple years at the most. That sort of snuck on me!
Christmas was good. It was pretty uneventful, and, all in all, I think that made it better. I'm sort of glad it's over, though. It seems, at least in my house, Christmas is full of expectations from everyone for everyone, even for ourselves. We all try and live up to these expectations, and it makes things a little stressful. Now that it's over, everyone seems to be ating more normal, and a little happier.
I'm working out regularly again. It feels so good... I really can't believe I went so long without it. Running, especially, gives me a chance to clear my head a bit, and that's much needed. Plus, I feel better for the rest of the day, more like I accomplished something. That's a good feeling, and it gives me some focus.
Now, since boredom's set in, I feel like writing a bit on a subject I haven't talked much about before. Dreams. Mine are pretty strange... Recently I've been having a recurring dream, one I can remember vividly. In it, I'm in jail. It's terrible there, and the anxiety sticks with me even after I wake up. I want out, I want to escape, but I can't. The dream continues, however. I don't know why, but I'm in some sort of program where they let me go to school, at my college, but I can't leave the campus. And, every weekend, I'm shuttled away, back to the jail, where I am tormented again. No one knows where I go on the weekends, and I appear to be just a regular college student during the week. But I can't leave. It eats me up inside, and the dream just keeps cycling through the days until I wake up. When I do wake up, I feel like crying, and I don't really know why. The strong emotions fade by the time I crawl out from under the covers, but I have a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach for a long time after.
But, like I said, my dreams are strange. In addition to recurring dreams, there are people I've dreamed of, off and on, for a long time. Two are especially vivid. One is a girl, and she's grown as I have. The other, a man, has always stayed the same. They've been around, I suspect, longer than I can remember.
The man terrifies me. He always has. He's everything that scares me in the flesh. He's tall, definately over seven feet, with long limbs, and slender. His skin is pale, and he either has no hair or a crewcut. A mask covers the upper portion of his face, and reduces his dark eyes to slits. But I can see his mouth, which twists into a sneer full of teeth too sharp to be natural. He is strong, blasting through doors, walls, anything, and his prescence often paralyzes me. He can levitate, and walks without making a sound. His touch makes my skin crawl, his gaze, shudder. Just being around him reduces me to nothing. He haunts all my nightmeres.
The man's opposite is the girl. She really is my dream girl. She's aged as I have. She's a bit shorter than I am, with a face that makes me melt. Her hair is one shade darker than blonde, and her eyes are the color of the sea. She's also on the slender side, but not to the extreme. She has a beautiful voice, and a sense of humor. Most of the time, she wears a silver necklace with a small sapphire heart attached. She comes to me when I need her, and relys on me when she needs me. She is what I dream of in my dreams.
A little creepy, I know... but these two, and others, have been around for a long time. Even when I was a very young kid, before I even started school, I had an imaginary friend... the girl. She was always with me then, too. When I was a baby, and again, later in life, I had night terrors. I think that the man was the source of these, since he was before.
The second time I had night terrors, it was part of a recurring dream, and it happened right after my parent's divorce, in the third grade. The man entered the house through my bedroom window, brandishing a knife. He glared at me, and I froze, staying in bed. He left my room and headed down the hall, and suddenly I could see through his eyes. That's how I saw him murder both my sister and my mom. I'd wake up screaming, unable to go back to sleep.
That went on for weeks... maybe even a month. I was deprived of sleep, lying awake listening to music instead, or drugging myself up with Nyquil. And when I did drift off to sleep, I was shortly awakened, and stayed awake. Eventually, though, the girl came to me, during the day. You see, I don't just day dream like other people. I really do zone out, completely and utterly, like I'm somewhere else. And I really am, at least in my dream. Those of you at Otakon may have noticed me do this a few times. :P Anyway, I was like this when the girl returned to me. She held me, and told me to fight back. That night, I slept. The dream happened, but I did not freeze when the man entered my room. Rather, I shifted the scene, and fought the man. I guess it was my dream and my rules, so I won out... and the dream ended. I slept through the night, and the dream never returned.
The man wasn't gone, exactly, but he's never had as much of a hold over me since. He's still there, and he still frightens me, but I am now in control of him... at least, I can end a dream now. The girl comes and goes. She signals good dreams, and makes me feel more complete. She'd been gone for awhile, recently... but came back shortly before Christmas.
Dreams are weird things, and they have a powerful impact on me. But I wouldn't change that for anything. I've only written about two of the familar faces in my dreams, but there are more. I'm not really sure what to make of them... if they are aspects of my personality, or if they're just tools my mind uses to cope with the events of my life. Maybe I should just sleep on it. :p
Thanks for reading this long and strange post. It got a little creepy, I suppose... sorry bout that. I touched on this subject before, and just felt like I should flesh it out. And gather my own thoughts. Happy holidays, guys, and have a great new year. Hopefully you'll be seeing more of me!
I'm not going to lie, I've been pretty bored recently. School doesn't start for three weeks, and, even though I'm not out of my mind yet, I feel like I might be getting there. My friends are all at their homes, and that's kind of far away, for the most part. I guess I miss them a bit. Life at home is so slow compared to that at college. Something was always going on back there... even if we weren't really doing anything. I'm still trying my best to enjoy being at home, because I know I'll miss it when I leave again, but something's weird. I guess I'm starting to feel like it's time to move on... I can't really live at home that much longer. I'll need to find my own place within a couple years at the most. That sort of snuck on me!
Christmas was good. It was pretty uneventful, and, all in all, I think that made it better. I'm sort of glad it's over, though. It seems, at least in my house, Christmas is full of expectations from everyone for everyone, even for ourselves. We all try and live up to these expectations, and it makes things a little stressful. Now that it's over, everyone seems to be ating more normal, and a little happier.
I'm working out regularly again. It feels so good... I really can't believe I went so long without it. Running, especially, gives me a chance to clear my head a bit, and that's much needed. Plus, I feel better for the rest of the day, more like I accomplished something. That's a good feeling, and it gives me some focus.
Now, since boredom's set in, I feel like writing a bit on a subject I haven't talked much about before. Dreams. Mine are pretty strange... Recently I've been having a recurring dream, one I can remember vividly. In it, I'm in jail. It's terrible there, and the anxiety sticks with me even after I wake up. I want out, I want to escape, but I can't. The dream continues, however. I don't know why, but I'm in some sort of program where they let me go to school, at my college, but I can't leave the campus. And, every weekend, I'm shuttled away, back to the jail, where I am tormented again. No one knows where I go on the weekends, and I appear to be just a regular college student during the week. But I can't leave. It eats me up inside, and the dream just keeps cycling through the days until I wake up. When I do wake up, I feel like crying, and I don't really know why. The strong emotions fade by the time I crawl out from under the covers, but I have a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach for a long time after.
But, like I said, my dreams are strange. In addition to recurring dreams, there are people I've dreamed of, off and on, for a long time. Two are especially vivid. One is a girl, and she's grown as I have. The other, a man, has always stayed the same. They've been around, I suspect, longer than I can remember.
The man terrifies me. He always has. He's everything that scares me in the flesh. He's tall, definately over seven feet, with long limbs, and slender. His skin is pale, and he either has no hair or a crewcut. A mask covers the upper portion of his face, and reduces his dark eyes to slits. But I can see his mouth, which twists into a sneer full of teeth too sharp to be natural. He is strong, blasting through doors, walls, anything, and his prescence often paralyzes me. He can levitate, and walks without making a sound. His touch makes my skin crawl, his gaze, shudder. Just being around him reduces me to nothing. He haunts all my nightmeres.
The man's opposite is the girl. She really is my dream girl. She's aged as I have. She's a bit shorter than I am, with a face that makes me melt. Her hair is one shade darker than blonde, and her eyes are the color of the sea. She's also on the slender side, but not to the extreme. She has a beautiful voice, and a sense of humor. Most of the time, she wears a silver necklace with a small sapphire heart attached. She comes to me when I need her, and relys on me when she needs me. She is what I dream of in my dreams.
A little creepy, I know... but these two, and others, have been around for a long time. Even when I was a very young kid, before I even started school, I had an imaginary friend... the girl. She was always with me then, too. When I was a baby, and again, later in life, I had night terrors. I think that the man was the source of these, since he was before.
The second time I had night terrors, it was part of a recurring dream, and it happened right after my parent's divorce, in the third grade. The man entered the house through my bedroom window, brandishing a knife. He glared at me, and I froze, staying in bed. He left my room and headed down the hall, and suddenly I could see through his eyes. That's how I saw him murder both my sister and my mom. I'd wake up screaming, unable to go back to sleep.
That went on for weeks... maybe even a month. I was deprived of sleep, lying awake listening to music instead, or drugging myself up with Nyquil. And when I did drift off to sleep, I was shortly awakened, and stayed awake. Eventually, though, the girl came to me, during the day. You see, I don't just day dream like other people. I really do zone out, completely and utterly, like I'm somewhere else. And I really am, at least in my dream. Those of you at Otakon may have noticed me do this a few times. :P Anyway, I was like this when the girl returned to me. She held me, and told me to fight back. That night, I slept. The dream happened, but I did not freeze when the man entered my room. Rather, I shifted the scene, and fought the man. I guess it was my dream and my rules, so I won out... and the dream ended. I slept through the night, and the dream never returned.
The man wasn't gone, exactly, but he's never had as much of a hold over me since. He's still there, and he still frightens me, but I am now in control of him... at least, I can end a dream now. The girl comes and goes. She signals good dreams, and makes me feel more complete. She'd been gone for awhile, recently... but came back shortly before Christmas.
Dreams are weird things, and they have a powerful impact on me. But I wouldn't change that for anything. I've only written about two of the familar faces in my dreams, but there are more. I'm not really sure what to make of them... if they are aspects of my personality, or if they're just tools my mind uses to cope with the events of my life. Maybe I should just sleep on it. :p
Thanks for reading this long and strange post. It got a little creepy, I suppose... sorry bout that. I touched on this subject before, and just felt like I should flesh it out. And gather my own thoughts. Happy holidays, guys, and have a great new year. Hopefully you'll be seeing more of me!