Ramblings in the New Year
I've had a lot on my mind recently, and it all sort of came to a head today. I felt terrible this morning, but then got a haircut. For some unexplicable reason, this turned my mood on its head. Now things are starting to sort themselves out. To help in this process, I feel like I need to write and see what comes of it.
I've spent the last couple days with my friend, Brendan, in Lake Forest, which is a very rich community outside of Chicago, at his grandma's house. You might remember Brendan from a few other posts... He's the guy who got a job in Hong Kong, then transferred to the U.S. after a few months. He's also my the person I've been friends with the longest, ever since the second week or so of Kindergarten.
Anyway, spending time with him, we got the chance to talk about lots of things. It was through this that I realized how much Brendan had changed, and how I had changed. We used to be so similar... We liked most of the same things, and had similar interests. We also had similar goals. Now that's not true.
Brendan has been my best friend for as long as I can remember, so I don't like to say bad things about him, but he is totally driven by money. Everything, every aspect of his life, he analyzes from a financial perspective, calculating how much it will cost him. He views purchases as investments or as wastes of money, and very rarely as anything else. He thinks that wealth is the way to happiness, and won't stop until he gets there.
And, the fact is, he's really already there. He's making a ridiculous amount of money, hundreds of thousands of dollars a year, and he barely does any work. The actual work he does involves writing emails and taking phone calls, which never takes more than two hours over the course of a day. Beyond this, he's living with his grandparents, who are millionaires themselves. They're grooming him towards the high brow life, "culturing" him. They're nice people, but nobody should spend $2500 to buy a puppy. And to Brendan, this is becoming the norm, although he rarely spends money himself.
Brendan already sees his future. His company will continue to raise his salary by $25,000 a year. Brendan will work his way up the ranks, and, if he doesn't reach a certain level of power, he's going to bail and start his own business with the capital. After he raises what he deems to be enough money, he wants to enter politics and work his way up until he reaches the top. And I believe him. To Brendan, money is power, and power is life.
He always dreamnt big, but he wasn't quite like this before. It scares me a little, and it feels like we're growing apart. He is becoming a young socialite in a high class world, and making a name for himself in corporate the corporate world. I'm heading the opposite way, it seems.
That's got me thinking about myself, too. Brendan has got it all figured out, and, even if I don't agree on the goal, he's making incredible strides towards it. I don't know what I want to do, at all. Sometimes I think I want to be a doctor, but the thought of that scares me. Being a doctor locks me in on doing a single thing the rest of my life, and I don't know if I can handle that. More and more, change and variety are becoming important to me.
I don't have a goal, or even a direction in life. I feel like I'm drifting, and that I don't have a purpose. I live in the moment, and some people have told me they wish they could adopt that atitude. But it's really just a cover. I live in the moment because I have to. Thinking much further in the future makes me panic, and I can't deal with that on a daily basis. My dreams are childish and unrealistic, and so am I. I'm an idealist, and a dreamer, and will probably never amount to anything. And that's ok with me. I can be nothing, just as long as I end up somewhere, and am happy. But I'm worried I'm getting lost.
Where am I going? Who knows... not me. I live in the world of stories and make-believe. My life is overdramatized simplicity. And Happiness seems to be fleeting. I am holding on to the hope that my impossible dreams can come true, that I can make them happen. It's what keeps me sane.
In that aspect, Brendan and I realized we are the same... We're fighting so hard for happiness, but how we define that happiness is totally different. I want the freedom to write my own future, for myself and for those I care about. To make it my own, and to make the world a little more accepting of those radical dreams, for everyone. Brendan, on the other hand wants power. He doesn't want to have to answer to anyone, and he wants control. He wants to be in charge, and he wants everyone to know that.
Money vs. Dreams... Control vs. Freedom... Self-improvement vs. philanthropy... Who's to say what's better, right? I mean, I have my answers, but I'm biased! :P
I'm really confused about everything now... But at the same time, I feel like I'm grasping onto all the answers. I just can't see them right now. It's like I'm blindfolded and holding a book. I mean, I know it's a book, and a can turn the pages and flip through it, even get a feel for how long it is, but I sure can't read it.
Beyond that rant, I have some real work I have to get done for my fraternity. I have to come up with a budget for the Pledge program, and I also need to come up with cirriculum for eight classes and three retreats. Gaaaah!
I am dissatisfied with my current decrease in muscle and increase of fat. I will continue to work out more, but I'm worried I won't be able to keep with it once class picks up again. And, I also think it's in my head, and I know that's not healthy. I really shouldn't be stressing about this, but I can't help it.
Lastly, I realized just how out of touch I am with most of you who read this journal, and other people. I feel sort of terrible about that. I know that I've been sort of busy, but that really isn't the greatest excuse. I haven't acted much like a friend, and I aim to change that.
I have a dentist appointment tomorrow morning, so it's time to wrap this up. After all this rambling, I feel a bit more... I guess clearheaded is the word. Maybe things will work out in the end. After all... it doesn't hurt to dream, does it? And, if I try hard enough, I can make that dream come true. It'll be a challenge, but where would the fun be if it wasn't?
I've spent the last couple days with my friend, Brendan, in Lake Forest, which is a very rich community outside of Chicago, at his grandma's house. You might remember Brendan from a few other posts... He's the guy who got a job in Hong Kong, then transferred to the U.S. after a few months. He's also my the person I've been friends with the longest, ever since the second week or so of Kindergarten.
Anyway, spending time with him, we got the chance to talk about lots of things. It was through this that I realized how much Brendan had changed, and how I had changed. We used to be so similar... We liked most of the same things, and had similar interests. We also had similar goals. Now that's not true.
Brendan has been my best friend for as long as I can remember, so I don't like to say bad things about him, but he is totally driven by money. Everything, every aspect of his life, he analyzes from a financial perspective, calculating how much it will cost him. He views purchases as investments or as wastes of money, and very rarely as anything else. He thinks that wealth is the way to happiness, and won't stop until he gets there.
And, the fact is, he's really already there. He's making a ridiculous amount of money, hundreds of thousands of dollars a year, and he barely does any work. The actual work he does involves writing emails and taking phone calls, which never takes more than two hours over the course of a day. Beyond this, he's living with his grandparents, who are millionaires themselves. They're grooming him towards the high brow life, "culturing" him. They're nice people, but nobody should spend $2500 to buy a puppy. And to Brendan, this is becoming the norm, although he rarely spends money himself.
Brendan already sees his future. His company will continue to raise his salary by $25,000 a year. Brendan will work his way up the ranks, and, if he doesn't reach a certain level of power, he's going to bail and start his own business with the capital. After he raises what he deems to be enough money, he wants to enter politics and work his way up until he reaches the top. And I believe him. To Brendan, money is power, and power is life.
He always dreamnt big, but he wasn't quite like this before. It scares me a little, and it feels like we're growing apart. He is becoming a young socialite in a high class world, and making a name for himself in corporate the corporate world. I'm heading the opposite way, it seems.
That's got me thinking about myself, too. Brendan has got it all figured out, and, even if I don't agree on the goal, he's making incredible strides towards it. I don't know what I want to do, at all. Sometimes I think I want to be a doctor, but the thought of that scares me. Being a doctor locks me in on doing a single thing the rest of my life, and I don't know if I can handle that. More and more, change and variety are becoming important to me.
I don't have a goal, or even a direction in life. I feel like I'm drifting, and that I don't have a purpose. I live in the moment, and some people have told me they wish they could adopt that atitude. But it's really just a cover. I live in the moment because I have to. Thinking much further in the future makes me panic, and I can't deal with that on a daily basis. My dreams are childish and unrealistic, and so am I. I'm an idealist, and a dreamer, and will probably never amount to anything. And that's ok with me. I can be nothing, just as long as I end up somewhere, and am happy. But I'm worried I'm getting lost.
Where am I going? Who knows... not me. I live in the world of stories and make-believe. My life is overdramatized simplicity. And Happiness seems to be fleeting. I am holding on to the hope that my impossible dreams can come true, that I can make them happen. It's what keeps me sane.
In that aspect, Brendan and I realized we are the same... We're fighting so hard for happiness, but how we define that happiness is totally different. I want the freedom to write my own future, for myself and for those I care about. To make it my own, and to make the world a little more accepting of those radical dreams, for everyone. Brendan, on the other hand wants power. He doesn't want to have to answer to anyone, and he wants control. He wants to be in charge, and he wants everyone to know that.
Money vs. Dreams... Control vs. Freedom... Self-improvement vs. philanthropy... Who's to say what's better, right? I mean, I have my answers, but I'm biased! :P
I'm really confused about everything now... But at the same time, I feel like I'm grasping onto all the answers. I just can't see them right now. It's like I'm blindfolded and holding a book. I mean, I know it's a book, and a can turn the pages and flip through it, even get a feel for how long it is, but I sure can't read it.
Beyond that rant, I have some real work I have to get done for my fraternity. I have to come up with a budget for the Pledge program, and I also need to come up with cirriculum for eight classes and three retreats. Gaaaah!
I am dissatisfied with my current decrease in muscle and increase of fat. I will continue to work out more, but I'm worried I won't be able to keep with it once class picks up again. And, I also think it's in my head, and I know that's not healthy. I really shouldn't be stressing about this, but I can't help it.
Lastly, I realized just how out of touch I am with most of you who read this journal, and other people. I feel sort of terrible about that. I know that I've been sort of busy, but that really isn't the greatest excuse. I haven't acted much like a friend, and I aim to change that.
I have a dentist appointment tomorrow morning, so it's time to wrap this up. After all this rambling, I feel a bit more... I guess clearheaded is the word. Maybe things will work out in the end. After all... it doesn't hurt to dream, does it? And, if I try hard enough, I can make that dream come true. It'll be a challenge, but where would the fun be if it wasn't?