Circular Reasoning
Hey... I thought I'd write again, as it's been a pretty crazy day. So much happened... I'm not really sure where to begin. Maybe chronologically is best, even if it doesn't make the most sense.
I had a hard time sleeping last night. I had a lot on my mind, mainly what was in that last post. I tossed and turned, and the Nyquil didn't do much for my cold. Eventually, I shut my eyes, and when they opened, my alarm was ringing. I had some weird dreams, they were actually kind of calming. but I was still tired, and sick. Getting up was pretty rough, but I got ready and out the door with time to spare.
My first class was chemistry II, and Jill was in it. Her being in that 8:30 lecture was actually one of the reasons I would drag myself out of bed early every morning. We had hit it off pretty well again the past few weeks, and had started hanging out, working on homework together, and that sort of stuff. While talking she mentioned she was going to be home for the weekend, as am I. So I suggested we go to a movie, sort of like a date. I got rejected. But, she still says she want's to do homework together. I've suspected for awhile that's why she's put up with me, to help with homework, and nothing more. I guess that kind of hurt, and my day sort of spiraled down the drain.
I slept through most of Chemistry, and then most of Diff EQ after that. I barely stayed awake in Physics after that, but only because one of my fraternity brothers would drum on my head everytime I started to nod off. After that was statics discussion, and I zoned out for most of that, too. Lastly, I napped through the majority of my EPS II lecture. I was just out of it.
After that, I made my way back to the dorms. I promised Cody we'd work out, so we headed out. He had a bad day, too, stemming from his behavior over the weekend. We talked it through while we attempted to work out, but wrapped it up early... our hearts really weren't into lifting then. He's a good guy, and he's beating himself up over losing control. I really feel bad for him, as he doesn't deserve that. SO I tried to cheer him up. In doing so, I felt a little happier myself.
I showered and started working on homework. Something clicked. Suddenly, the statics problems that had stumped me just yesterday were nothing, and I breezed through my homework. I went with it, and then got called to dinner. It was then that Chelsea, one of my friend's girlfriend, came back from. The reason she was there was that her dad was in a coma, and had died. Her mom was there, too, and we all went and had dinner. I never know how to act in those situations, but I tried my best to cheer her up. I guess it worked... she seemed fine. I can't imagine being in a situation like that, and I know I wouldn't be able to handle it that well. I felt a little bad for worrying so much about the little things all day.
After that, it was time for my fraternity meeting. It was pretty uneventful. Lot's of new members coming in, and that should be exciting. Lot's to do, too. Last night, we watched the Super Bowl with a sorority, and we're having dinner with another one tomorrow. I suppose it should be exciting, but I really haven't gotten into it. I guess I just need to get to know some of these girls a little better. The meeting closed with those of us wishing to share personal business sharing it. One brother's grandpa is dying, and our president has heart palliptations (or however you spell that) brought on by stress. Again, I feel like my problems are pretty insignificant and I try to comfort them.
Back at the dorms, I have some much needed hangout time with my friends. Eventually, I wander upstairs to the girl's floor, partly because I'm bored and partly because I'm in a suit and I want to show it off. I get some attention... Lately a lot of the girls have been telling me that I'm "awesome" and "Such a nice guy". I know nice guys don't ever win, so this doesn't really encourage me. I chat with them for awhile, and see Mandy, which is cool. We've got Lab together tomorrow, so we talk about that a little bit, and then I head back down here to write this.
I'm really confused. I feel alone, but I'm not. I have so much support, and I do feel that. I'm just sad. What happens when this year ends? Does all of this start to fade away? Every summer in high school and earlier, I lost touch with everyone. I just drifted out by myself. I've never felt this close to the people around me... I don't want to lose them.
But even despite this, I want more. I want a perfect relationship that I seem destined not to have. When the others go off, two of them together, I feel this ugly jealousy. I want that. I want to be needed that way, to need that way. But I can't have it. Sometimes I don't think I ever will.
All of that is stupid, too. I have been exposed to so many problems with greater merit than mine today, and here I am moping about girls. I hate myself for feeling that way. It's dumb, and it's weak, and it's where I always end up. I need to get it together, and stop focusing on this so much... but I really can't. Is it so much to want love? And not that messed up thing Erika and I had. I mean, to build yourself up with a person, not around them. To trust each other enough to be apart. And to come together and feel wholer than you thought you ever had. To love someone more today than yesterday, but not as much as you will tomorrow, and to be loved back that same way.
I don't feel whole. Despite all these great people who are there for me, I feel like I'm missing something important, and it sort of hurts. But there isn't anything I can really do. And I feel bad about taking those people for granted. And scared they might realize I am and leave me behind. And I'm going in circles. Maybe I should just go to bed, and see if that sorts anything out.
I had a hard time sleeping last night. I had a lot on my mind, mainly what was in that last post. I tossed and turned, and the Nyquil didn't do much for my cold. Eventually, I shut my eyes, and when they opened, my alarm was ringing. I had some weird dreams, they were actually kind of calming. but I was still tired, and sick. Getting up was pretty rough, but I got ready and out the door with time to spare.
My first class was chemistry II, and Jill was in it. Her being in that 8:30 lecture was actually one of the reasons I would drag myself out of bed early every morning. We had hit it off pretty well again the past few weeks, and had started hanging out, working on homework together, and that sort of stuff. While talking she mentioned she was going to be home for the weekend, as am I. So I suggested we go to a movie, sort of like a date. I got rejected. But, she still says she want's to do homework together. I've suspected for awhile that's why she's put up with me, to help with homework, and nothing more. I guess that kind of hurt, and my day sort of spiraled down the drain.
I slept through most of Chemistry, and then most of Diff EQ after that. I barely stayed awake in Physics after that, but only because one of my fraternity brothers would drum on my head everytime I started to nod off. After that was statics discussion, and I zoned out for most of that, too. Lastly, I napped through the majority of my EPS II lecture. I was just out of it.
After that, I made my way back to the dorms. I promised Cody we'd work out, so we headed out. He had a bad day, too, stemming from his behavior over the weekend. We talked it through while we attempted to work out, but wrapped it up early... our hearts really weren't into lifting then. He's a good guy, and he's beating himself up over losing control. I really feel bad for him, as he doesn't deserve that. SO I tried to cheer him up. In doing so, I felt a little happier myself.
I showered and started working on homework. Something clicked. Suddenly, the statics problems that had stumped me just yesterday were nothing, and I breezed through my homework. I went with it, and then got called to dinner. It was then that Chelsea, one of my friend's girlfriend, came back from. The reason she was there was that her dad was in a coma, and had died. Her mom was there, too, and we all went and had dinner. I never know how to act in those situations, but I tried my best to cheer her up. I guess it worked... she seemed fine. I can't imagine being in a situation like that, and I know I wouldn't be able to handle it that well. I felt a little bad for worrying so much about the little things all day.
After that, it was time for my fraternity meeting. It was pretty uneventful. Lot's of new members coming in, and that should be exciting. Lot's to do, too. Last night, we watched the Super Bowl with a sorority, and we're having dinner with another one tomorrow. I suppose it should be exciting, but I really haven't gotten into it. I guess I just need to get to know some of these girls a little better. The meeting closed with those of us wishing to share personal business sharing it. One brother's grandpa is dying, and our president has heart palliptations (or however you spell that) brought on by stress. Again, I feel like my problems are pretty insignificant and I try to comfort them.
Back at the dorms, I have some much needed hangout time with my friends. Eventually, I wander upstairs to the girl's floor, partly because I'm bored and partly because I'm in a suit and I want to show it off. I get some attention... Lately a lot of the girls have been telling me that I'm "awesome" and "Such a nice guy". I know nice guys don't ever win, so this doesn't really encourage me. I chat with them for awhile, and see Mandy, which is cool. We've got Lab together tomorrow, so we talk about that a little bit, and then I head back down here to write this.
I'm really confused. I feel alone, but I'm not. I have so much support, and I do feel that. I'm just sad. What happens when this year ends? Does all of this start to fade away? Every summer in high school and earlier, I lost touch with everyone. I just drifted out by myself. I've never felt this close to the people around me... I don't want to lose them.
But even despite this, I want more. I want a perfect relationship that I seem destined not to have. When the others go off, two of them together, I feel this ugly jealousy. I want that. I want to be needed that way, to need that way. But I can't have it. Sometimes I don't think I ever will.
All of that is stupid, too. I have been exposed to so many problems with greater merit than mine today, and here I am moping about girls. I hate myself for feeling that way. It's dumb, and it's weak, and it's where I always end up. I need to get it together, and stop focusing on this so much... but I really can't. Is it so much to want love? And not that messed up thing Erika and I had. I mean, to build yourself up with a person, not around them. To trust each other enough to be apart. And to come together and feel wholer than you thought you ever had. To love someone more today than yesterday, but not as much as you will tomorrow, and to be loved back that same way.
I don't feel whole. Despite all these great people who are there for me, I feel like I'm missing something important, and it sort of hurts. But there isn't anything I can really do. And I feel bad about taking those people for granted. And scared they might realize I am and leave me behind. And I'm going in circles. Maybe I should just go to bed, and see if that sorts anything out.