Friendship Circles
I think that people should learn to distinguish when I am dramatically crying and when I am truly crying.
But never mind.
I hate the way friendships fall apart. Let's label them: Friend 1, Friend 2, Friend 3. At the moment I'm annoyed with Friend 1 because she's always late, and doesn't seem to think friends are anything special, and because she criticises people then stops halfway, which is most annoying. Don't you complain for a reason, for people to change? So I'm not talking to her at the moment. Plus Friend 1's just so indecisive. I wish she'd develop more self-confidence.
Friend 2 isn't talking to Friend 3. Friend 2 says Friend 3 just blabbers on all the time, and is oversensitive, like complaining for ages when someone's kicked her and has given her a bruise, but doesn't tolerate Friend 2 complaining just once about Friend 3 totally killing her leg. Friend 3 insists, after that one complaint, that she's told the whole world she's sorry and it's Friend 2's fault anyway.
Meanwhile, I have an obligation to listen to both Friend 2 and Friend 3 complain. Friend 3 does tend to talk a lot, and normally I can stand that. However, in the midst of all her talking she never listens to anyone else. For example, asking me why I've done something and me replying that it's because I'm angry at Friend 3, but Friend 3 doesn't believe me at all. I have to be mean a few more times because the slow Friend 3 finally believes me, and then I feel so happy I accidentally smile. Friend 3 doesn't see this, though, and later tries to apologise.
Anyway, Friend 2 sides with me over everything. One wonders whether she's trying to make things worse. I know she isn't, but she doesn't have the pacifist side about her.
When we went out today, Friend 1 turned up late as usual. I've found I have nothing to say about her, because I don't care anymore. When my mother learns that I'm not proper friends with Friend 1 anymore, my mother says that I should learn to judge people and that Friend 1 will never get anywhere in the world and everyone will get sick of her sooner or later.
Then while I was up at Kinokuniya with Friend 2 waiting for the rest to arrive, Friend 1 and Friend 3 go off to buy shoes for Friend 1. They so don't inform us at all. And Friend 2 had been so worried something had happened to them. Friend 2 and I go and have lunch and insist the other Friends meet us so that we'll have actually spent some time together. After that, we walk really far to buy a present we owe Friend 3.
Friend 3 begins to irritate us again. She spends so long in that horrible place, although she's already chosen what she wants. She doesn't say Thank You for all the rest of our Disinterested souls waiting for her, nor for us walking so far just to get her stupid present. What's wrong with her?
And Friend 1's being quiet in that way that says she has no confidence to say anything she thinks, until one day she just blows up at us for something we've done, which we would happily have corrected had she pointed it out sooner.
Friend 2 once told me that she thought Friend 1 and I were the closest in our group. But now I have nothing to talk about with her, because I'm always afraid of making Friend 1 angry and never knowing it, and feeling so guilty later. I'm afraid of Friend 1's silent thoughts and I can't bear not knowing what she thinks at any particular moment. And I'm so exasperated at her.
Friend 2 says I can be read like a book.
After that, Friend 2 and I seize the chance to brush off Friend 1 and Friend 3, because they won't be interested in the same things that we are. In previous experiences, we've begged them to come along, and when they did, they whined the whole time about going home or seeing something else. Then Friend 1 would probably come back a week later with a remark about how she's *sacrificed* her time for us. She acts like it's a torture to spend time with us. Then we feel guilty, as per normal.
So Friend 2 and I are talking, and Friend 1 and Friend 3 are talking. The rest of our ties are gone.
I used to plan for the future with my friends. Forcefully extracting promises that I could be their children's godmother, and thinking up beautiful names for their kids, or planning holidays to Venice when we're twenty-one or something.
And next year we're going to be split up and we'll never be friends again.
Friend 2 admits that she thinks, even if we were still in the same school next year, we wouldn't have lasted as friends. Because we're too dissimilar. But I never thought that, until now.
There was once when Friend 2 and Friend 3 were quarreling in the chapel. Of all the people, Friend 1 had to start crying, literally. She wasn't even the one fighting. I think she sees the imperfections too.
What are friends? You don't have friends, because friendships don't last. There is no one you can really count as a friend, can you? I don't even think that I'll be friends for long with Friend 2, because we have other friends and - cracks appear all the time.
I think I'll go eat a chocolate eclair. I want to be immortal.
Alaris Lisette Rover
But never mind.
I hate the way friendships fall apart. Let's label them: Friend 1, Friend 2, Friend 3. At the moment I'm annoyed with Friend 1 because she's always late, and doesn't seem to think friends are anything special, and because she criticises people then stops halfway, which is most annoying. Don't you complain for a reason, for people to change? So I'm not talking to her at the moment. Plus Friend 1's just so indecisive. I wish she'd develop more self-confidence.
Friend 2 isn't talking to Friend 3. Friend 2 says Friend 3 just blabbers on all the time, and is oversensitive, like complaining for ages when someone's kicked her and has given her a bruise, but doesn't tolerate Friend 2 complaining just once about Friend 3 totally killing her leg. Friend 3 insists, after that one complaint, that she's told the whole world she's sorry and it's Friend 2's fault anyway.
Meanwhile, I have an obligation to listen to both Friend 2 and Friend 3 complain. Friend 3 does tend to talk a lot, and normally I can stand that. However, in the midst of all her talking she never listens to anyone else. For example, asking me why I've done something and me replying that it's because I'm angry at Friend 3, but Friend 3 doesn't believe me at all. I have to be mean a few more times because the slow Friend 3 finally believes me, and then I feel so happy I accidentally smile. Friend 3 doesn't see this, though, and later tries to apologise.
Anyway, Friend 2 sides with me over everything. One wonders whether she's trying to make things worse. I know she isn't, but she doesn't have the pacifist side about her.
When we went out today, Friend 1 turned up late as usual. I've found I have nothing to say about her, because I don't care anymore. When my mother learns that I'm not proper friends with Friend 1 anymore, my mother says that I should learn to judge people and that Friend 1 will never get anywhere in the world and everyone will get sick of her sooner or later.
Then while I was up at Kinokuniya with Friend 2 waiting for the rest to arrive, Friend 1 and Friend 3 go off to buy shoes for Friend 1. They so don't inform us at all. And Friend 2 had been so worried something had happened to them. Friend 2 and I go and have lunch and insist the other Friends meet us so that we'll have actually spent some time together. After that, we walk really far to buy a present we owe Friend 3.
Friend 3 begins to irritate us again. She spends so long in that horrible place, although she's already chosen what she wants. She doesn't say Thank You for all the rest of our Disinterested souls waiting for her, nor for us walking so far just to get her stupid present. What's wrong with her?
And Friend 1's being quiet in that way that says she has no confidence to say anything she thinks, until one day she just blows up at us for something we've done, which we would happily have corrected had she pointed it out sooner.
Friend 2 once told me that she thought Friend 1 and I were the closest in our group. But now I have nothing to talk about with her, because I'm always afraid of making Friend 1 angry and never knowing it, and feeling so guilty later. I'm afraid of Friend 1's silent thoughts and I can't bear not knowing what she thinks at any particular moment. And I'm so exasperated at her.
Friend 2 says I can be read like a book.
After that, Friend 2 and I seize the chance to brush off Friend 1 and Friend 3, because they won't be interested in the same things that we are. In previous experiences, we've begged them to come along, and when they did, they whined the whole time about going home or seeing something else. Then Friend 1 would probably come back a week later with a remark about how she's *sacrificed* her time for us. She acts like it's a torture to spend time with us. Then we feel guilty, as per normal.
So Friend 2 and I are talking, and Friend 1 and Friend 3 are talking. The rest of our ties are gone.
I used to plan for the future with my friends. Forcefully extracting promises that I could be their children's godmother, and thinking up beautiful names for their kids, or planning holidays to Venice when we're twenty-one or something.
And next year we're going to be split up and we'll never be friends again.
Friend 2 admits that she thinks, even if we were still in the same school next year, we wouldn't have lasted as friends. Because we're too dissimilar. But I never thought that, until now.
There was once when Friend 2 and Friend 3 were quarreling in the chapel. Of all the people, Friend 1 had to start crying, literally. She wasn't even the one fighting. I think she sees the imperfections too.
What are friends? You don't have friends, because friendships don't last. There is no one you can really count as a friend, can you? I don't even think that I'll be friends for long with Friend 2, because we have other friends and - cracks appear all the time.
I think I'll go eat a chocolate eclair. I want to be immortal.
Alaris Lisette Rover