Not Over You - YamaShi OneShot
Title: Not Over You
Author: aemrith
Pairing: Yamada Ryosuke/Shida Mirai
Genre: Romance, Drama?, Tragedy? (not really), a bit angst *whacked*
Warnings: Erm. Some OOC perhaps? Also, it's a little one of those reality+fiction fics of mine - so it may get a little confusing.
Summary: Everyone who has gone through a break-up would certainly agree that at some point - it feels as if the whole world stops. Yamada and Shida goes through their toughest challenge yet. [boulder rain for this awful summary]
A/N: I have no idea (really) how SongFic goes, but this is probably 'almost' a song-fic. It's because I've written this while listening to "Not Over You" by Gavin DeGraw. I really like the song. I've embedded a youtube video so anyone who's interested can listen to it too. ^_^v
WARNING! While reading, it may get a little confusing. So just to help you not get lost, everytime you see a 'xXxXx' it's more of change of character POV - it switches between Mirai and Ryosuke's POVs. I am not really in my best writing state (I think I'm never at my best writing state, haha) so please do forgive the errors... T^T
_________________________
I would lie and say that you’re not on my mind…
This is not the first time we’ve argued, but right now, things are just not in favor for the both of us. There was silence and soon…
“…I guess it’s just not working out…” Her words came more like a whisper - as if air refuses to come out to produce the sound. I held onto my phone tight just to feel something… because right now. I’m all numb.
I tried to chuckle, but nothing came out from me but a sigh. “…Un…” I was amazed at how casual that sounded. I felt my insides crushing as I heard her take a deep breath, followed by a sniff. She hung up, and I just stood there - still holding onto my phone. I just can’t believe that it’s all over.
xXxXx
I woke up and the first thing I did was take out my phone under my pillow. My smile was quickly washed away seeing that there’s nothing - no messages, no calls, nothing. Oh right. I forgot… I sighed, flipping it open, seeing that wallpaper I have yet to change.
Morning was gone too fast because I had to do tons of things… More like, I decided to do a lot of things - to get him out of my mind. I have no school, no work, but I ran all over the house doing random things. Forget it Mirai… It’s all over. It’s done.
Suzuka was the first to talk to me. She forced me to have a cup of coffee and here I am. “…Mirai-chan…” she uttered, I can tell she doesn’t really know where to start. “Why?” and that simple word made all the intentions of this conversation clear.
Staring at my cup of tea, “…I don’t know…” the words slid out of me. Then I looked up at my friend, but I can’t really see her face - tears are blocking my view, “It’s for the best.”
xXxXx
Looking out the window, I can only see the busy lights of New York. That phone call from her before my flight kept me awake for the entire trip. “Yama-chan…” I heard a knock and here come’s Dai-chan, patting my shoulder. “We’re heading outside for a little walk.” He knew what just happened, actually, the whole group does - they’ve been very considerate.
I tried my hardest to smile - I know they’re all just worried about me, “I’ll pass…” instinctively I looked at my phone - I’ve been wanting to call her… message her at least. It’s agonizing.
I felt Dai-chan pat on my shoulder again, “Just tell me if you need anything.”
Dai-chan has always been like this ever since out relationship started - he’s like an older brother I never had. Everyone in JUMP is a brother to me, but Dai-chan has always been someone I run to right away. The moment I heard the door close, I stared at the lights below. I took a picture and as if it’s a reflex, I was almost about to send it to her. It’s been something I got used to doing - sending her random pictures, especially when we’re on photo-shoot locations.
But now… I threw my phone on the bed. I can’t send her any… Not one…
xXxXx
A day came where I randomly checked on old messages inside my phone. Perhaps it’s just now that I’ve noticed most of my messages were from him.
I tried opening one of them, and it’s just a random one greeting me a good morning. Before I knew it, I was going through almost all of them, some making me frown, others making me laugh, and most of them just making me smile. He has never failed to greet me every morning, nor has he failed to wish me a good night. It’s been weeks, and now I really feel as if my mornings and nights are missing something.
But I had to hold onto my decision - it’s been something we both needed. We needed to be away from each other.
I opened one more message, telling me this’ll be the last one and that I’ll have to delete them all…
I’ll always be in love with you.
I flipped my phone close. It has always been something he kept saying. And yes, he usually messages me with just that simple line. And here I am crying… And I had to admit to myself that I would love to hear this from him again.
xXxXx
“Give it back!” She said, a mixture of giggle and anger only she can manage. I watched as she kept reaching for my phone. “Delete that picture! It’s so ugly!!!” She yelled, and I kept running. “Is that thing on!? RYOSUKE!”
I laughed - this video never fails to make me laugh. Honestly, I still have tons of them here in my phone, but I dare not to open them.
I ended up on those latest pictures I’ve taken and wished I could send them to her. Come to think of it, it’s been almost a month, and none of us had the courage to really have a closure.
Then it hit me. Looking at one photo of hers, just sleeping on my shoulder - I’d do anything to have this moment back. Perhaps we just don’t want any closure at all.
xXxXx
It’s been months since we last talked. Walking at the streets of Yokohama by myself, I feel as if I’m not sure where I am. Hiding under this casual disguise of mine to lessen the attention and paparazzi; I strolled around familiar parks.
I stopped at a playground where we used to sit on a bench and laugh; where he’d usually force me to get on a swing just so he could push me like a little kid. I felt like an idiot laughing by myself while remembering little memories.
Just to not put more pressure on my chest, I continued walking, and found myself crossing the busy streets - where buildings and people surround me. In this crowd, I am just an ordinary person. I looked up and as if I’m being teased by chance, I saw that banner of their group. Yes, of course… his face is impossible to miss. With a new movie coming out, a new album, and brand new single, there’s nothing else I could wish for him and his group.
Sincerely, I am happy for them. I then saw a poster just across theirs, of myself - that movie that is about to be released today. I have three dramas lined up for me, and University studies that are just starting. Feeling engulfed and belittled, I took a deep breath.
Reality has taken over us in a way that we both had to let go of that little ‘magic’ we managed to keep between us since out second year of High School. Yes. We’ve been dating since Second Year - a lot has happened in between, but now… I guess we just had to let go. Just like that, we just had to…
xXxXx
It’s very rare for me nowadays to even have a day-off, so when I do, I try my best to maximize it.
Sitting at this little café I found about years ago, I look around. This is the exact same spot we sit on whenever we decide to have a casual date. She’s always been fonder of casual eat-outs like this rather than fancy dinners - I personally don’t mind as long as I’m with her. Looking at the empty seat in front of me, I felt that little pang of pain once again. After ordering and barely touching my cup of tea, I saved myself from more pain by walking out of the café.
I found myself wandering aimlessly, buying things as I go. Soon, I just got out from a photography shop, holding onto this little envelope containing pictures I’ve just had printed out and off I go walking around once again.
I stopped at this certain shop - where I bought her a Minnie mouse phone charm. I got myself a Mickey mouse one and I’ve been using it up till this day. Unknowingly I held it, and again, I took another photo - a photo of this little boutique store. I’m sure she’d remember this even though it’s been years since we were last year. Why did I never take her back here? The thought kind of send daggers to my chest and I just kept walking. There’s no way I can take her here anymore.
xXxXx
As I got in, I noticed that our usual seat seemed to have just been occupied. The waiter has just finished cleaning that single cup. After he left, I took that seat - there’s probably nowhere else I’d wanna be sitting on but this spot.
As my order came I felt a little smile across my face - this is my favourite; and his too. Staring at the slice of cake, I can remember how much he’d fight just to get this strawberry topped on this slice. This is a café he said he found about - and it’s been one of my favourites ever since he’s brought be here. It’s tiny, it’s quiet, and there are usually not much people going here. After a quick meal, I resumed my day-off with strolling around usual places.
I saw a couple walking out of a familiar boutique, smiling as they show themselves those matching key-chains they’ve bought for each other. I instinctively held onto that Minnie Mouse one dangling on my phone. When was it that we were both here? For some strange reason I felt like turning around; as if I’m meant to see someone. But all I saw is a guy walking away. My heart stopped for a moment - I think I’ll recognize that figure anywhere. Then I brushed the thought off quickly - I have no idea what I’d do if I see him again.
xXxXx
Have you ever had that feeling that you just have to look back? I did. And as I looked back, I felt that huge disappointment. What was I thinking seeing her here? Leaving that boutique, I found myself wanting to see that old school of ours. I chuckled. When was it that I was still a student there? It sounds wrong calling it my ‘old-school’ I feel as if I’m throwing it inside my past - along with those precious memories.
Never did I think I’ll miss walking this path - this route we take towards Horikoshi. See, things are a little different for us people in class D - but I’ve always hated school and walking here keeps me thinking about all the things I have to study and memorize.
Now it’s different. I never thought I’d say this, but I miss this place. I miss this feeling. As I stood near the entrance, I knew I miss her more and more. Usually that’s where I’ll see her almost every morning. Sometimes giggling with Suzuka-chan, or gossiping with Kawashima. I frowned and just ran - not really sure where my feet would take me.
I knew one thing. I can’t be here any second more. I can’t… not think of her… I’m trying to let go okay? What more does my heart want from me?
xXxXx
There was something light about taking this route again - this route towards Horikoshi Gakuen’s entrance that I was assigned to take. For three years, I’ve made these same steps I’m making right now. Through those years, I’ve taken these steps with a smile, knowing that I’ll see him once I get inside our room.
It’s closed. I’m glad to be standing here on a day like this, where everything seemed quiet and my mind can be at ease. Again I took out my phone, I don’t know why I still feel like a message is coming - or a call… or anything.
As if on cue, I looked behind me. Usually, he’d be walking just a few steps behind me when we get to this part near the entrance. It’s where I’ll see him, Kamiki, Nakajima-kun and Chinen-kun - all with wrinkled faces. That memory makes me laugh - they all really look like they hate going to school.
Usually, I’ll tease them with paparazzi pictures of theirs and it’ll be a mad argument between paparazzis and all that.
Again I was directed towards one of the major things that made us let go of each other. Without further thinking, I decided to go home.
xXxXx
As I managed to calm myself down, I’ve decided it’s now or never - so I took out that envelop I just got.
It looks like no one’s home. It’s funny that I’m feeling all nervous now but I’ve been to her house countless times and even on random occasions. Standing in front of her doorway now seemed rather nostalgic - more like it’s something I’ve missed so much even though it’s only been months.
I’ve decided to leave my little package inside their mailbox, looked at her bedroom window one more time before shoving my hands inside my pocket and walking away.
The moment I turned, I felt really frozen. There she stood, a few feet from me; I knew we both have the same look on our faces.
xXxXx
I blinked. My eyes must be playing tricks on me - but no. It really is him. I felt like I had to say something - the last time we talked, I was cruel enough to hang up on him. What’s there for me to say? I don’t even have the right to face him like this.
But I felt the need to at least keep it casual: The lesser exchange of words between us, the better. “Yamada-kun…” I figured it’d be best to call him the way I used to before things between us got special.
He kept his lips together as he nodded curtly, “Shida-chan…” a part of me feels the loss in that simple name that he called me - now we must feel even.
xXxXx
If you ask me, how I’m doing…
She walked a few steps closer, my heart can only beat so hard but I tried to keep it steady. “How are you?” She asked; I’m glad she looks like she’s doing well.
I would say I’m doin’ just fine
“I’m fine, thanks.” I managed a smile, “…and you?” I had to try and look at her face at least, “Day-off?” Racking my brain for the simplest words, I just feel like I wanted to keep talking to her even for a just a little bit.
She smiled and nodded, “You look like you’re having some free time too…” pointing at the bags I’m carrying, “Shopping I see…”
What more can I say? I just nodded and soon she walked past by me - I fought the urge to grab her hand. I’ve wanted nothing but to be with her again yet I don’t think I can say that. Can you hear how much I want to just stay here with you? “Just walking around and ended up grabbing things. I’m on my way home too.” She smiled and nodded, and soon I watched as she opened their gate, I knew at some point we’re going to have to stop talking.
xXxXx
I stared at our door, my back turned on him - Is he going to walk away now? How can I tell him to stay a little bit more if I asked him to stay away from me in the first place? I took a deep breath, turned around and looked at him. You have no idea the relief I had seeing that he looks like he’s not about to go. “Ne Yama-chan…” I paused, forming fists with my hands as I hate myself right now, “…How are you doing…?” I feel something from his eyes… “Really..” I know some might hate me for this - that it’s like I’m only hurting him… but the truth is, I care nothing more but to know if he’s doing okay.
You see. I’d take all the hurt with everything that has happened. I’ll take it all in. Just so Ryosuke would be spared from the pain.
xXxXx
I would lie and say that you’re not on my mind
“…I’ve managed…” that was my response. I see the Mirai I’ve always loved - here she is standing in front of me. No one has cared for me so much the way she has. I’ve never felt so loved… and here we stand, a few months after leaving each other - and the pain has grown nothing but worse. “…Why are we even doing this?” It surprised us both, what I said, I mean. Because I never thought I’d have the courage to ask her.
She took a step closer as I watch her bite on her lips and soon, I couldn’t help but curse the moment she looked into my eyes and I see tears in hers. “…because it’s what’s best…” She uttered; but there’s nothing ‘best’ about the way she said this - nor has there anything ‘better’ that we got from all this. “Ryosuke…”
“We both tried, didn’t we?” I fought the urge to just pull her - I can’t stand seeing her like this. “We both tried to live without each other…”
She sniffed, wiped away her tears and I knew she was fighting to look straight into my eyes. It’s funny how she suddenly chuckled, as new set of tears came rolling down as she nods and uttered, “…It sucks…” she kept crying, and there’s no way I’m letting her handle this on her own.
Without hesitation, and all those months of missing her, I pulled her and immediately I felt complete. As she buried her face on my shoulder, I listened to her cry louder - she’s been holding it back.
“It sucks so bad…” she was sobbing, I just embraced her tighter. “I didn’t know what I was thinking I…”
“Sssshhhh…” I whispered to her ear, kissing her temples, “It was my fault for not fighting back.” She kept crying, “I knew I shouldn’t have left you even if you asked me too.”
xXxXx
I kept crying, and crying. I’ve never felt so at ease and comfortable - it felt as if I’ve been lost all this time. I admit I blame myself for these past few months of suffering, but I guess now we finally realized that reality doesn’t always have to have its control over us.
After everything, I feel as if I owe Ryosuke a lot - but all he did was blame his own self for what has become of us. I felt him pull away, locking my face between his hands. I missed this so badly - those hands that fit mine ever so perfectly. He brushed away my tears, “It can’t be over, okay?” He uttered - Ryosuke has never been good with words but to me, everything means so much… everything that comes from him. “You can’t give up on us again, okay?”
I just nodded, “I’m so sorry…” I kept crying and he pulled me into another hug - I swear I can stay like this as long as he wants me to. There’s nothing more stupid that wanting Ryosuke away from me.
xXxXx
“It’s going to be tough I know…” I uttered, knowing this is what she’s thinking of - that break-up, I know she did that thinking that it might be the best for us. I’m not going to lie, to other couples, that must’ve been the best way - but perhaps Mirai and I are really different. With work, her school, everything, I know it’s going to be really hard but we’re not about to just give it up like that.
“I won’t let go again…” She uttered between her tears and I can only kiss her forehead.
“And there’s no way I’m gonna let you.” With that, everything can go crazy and I wouldn’t care. I know we’re challenging reality - and it’s not gonna be easy on us… even at this moment I think tabloids might be filled with things about us - things that’ll tear us down completely. But I’d like to believe that all I need is her -more than anything else- to be able to surpass whatever will be thrown at me.
We’ve suffered months of emptiness - I can’t even describe how much those months felt like death - or even worse - I’m not about to let us feel like that again. “I’ve missed you…” I felt really happy hearing these from her - even as she cries, I knew my Mirai is back to me again.
I kissed her nose and pulled her closer, “Don’t even ask how much I’ve missed you…” because I’ll never ever know how much I’ve longed to just be with her again.
As she's calmed down, I felt silly taking out that package I've left in their mailbox - and I handed it to her. She opened it and was staring at those pictures. She smiled, "What's all this?"
We were sitting at that small bench inside their front yard garden. I watched her look from one photo to another. "They're pictures I've thought of sending you..." she stopped, "But since I couldn't, I thought of printing them out and giving them to you, still..." I smiled, thinking at the time I take those pictures, "When I was taking them, I always thought, 'Mirai-chan would love to see this...' or 'I want Mirai-chan to see this' you know..." I felt like a kid, as I looked away.
I felt her held my face and I looked at her. "Sometimes I wonder, what I did to deserve someone like you..." Mirai has never been the one to start off with sweet words, nor am I good with them either, but this can literally blow my heart.
"What are you talking about... I should be saying that..." She smiled and leaned her head on my shoulder, our hands laced together.
"Yama-chan..." she uttered, as she plays with my hands - I've missed her little hands in mine. "Thank you for not really giving up on me..." I feel as if she's so fragile - that in every little thing, I would give up anything just to be beside her all the time.
I wanted to tell her that it's me who should be thanking her, that she's given me nothing but a reason to be happy - to thank her for being strong and still holding on. But I know she knows that already "I'll never give up on us..." I uttered this then I told her one thing I've missed telling her so much as I kissed her forehead, "You know I'll always be in love with you..." And it's true - and that will never ever change. Ever.
Author: aemrith
Pairing: Yamada Ryosuke/Shida Mirai
Genre: Romance, Drama?, Tragedy? (not really), a bit angst *whacked*
Warnings: Erm. Some OOC perhaps? Also, it's a little one of those reality+fiction fics of mine - so it may get a little confusing.
Summary: Everyone who has gone through a break-up would certainly agree that at some point - it feels as if the whole world stops. Yamada and Shida goes through their toughest challenge yet. [boulder rain for this awful summary]
A/N: I have no idea (really) how SongFic goes, but this is probably 'almost' a song-fic. It's because I've written this while listening to "Not Over You" by Gavin DeGraw. I really like the song. I've embedded a youtube video so anyone who's interested can listen to it too. ^_^v
Click to viewWARNING! While reading, it may get a little confusing. So just to help you not get lost, everytime you see a 'xXxXx' it's more of change of character POV - it switches between Mirai and Ryosuke's POVs. I am not really in my best writing state (I think I'm never at my best writing state, haha) so please do forgive the errors... T^T
_________________________
I would lie and say that you’re not on my mind…
This is not the first time we’ve argued, but right now, things are just not in favor for the both of us. There was silence and soon…
“…I guess it’s just not working out…” Her words came more like a whisper - as if air refuses to come out to produce the sound. I held onto my phone tight just to feel something… because right now. I’m all numb.
I tried to chuckle, but nothing came out from me but a sigh. “…Un…” I was amazed at how casual that sounded. I felt my insides crushing as I heard her take a deep breath, followed by a sniff. She hung up, and I just stood there - still holding onto my phone. I just can’t believe that it’s all over.
xXxXx
I woke up and the first thing I did was take out my phone under my pillow. My smile was quickly washed away seeing that there’s nothing - no messages, no calls, nothing. Oh right. I forgot… I sighed, flipping it open, seeing that wallpaper I have yet to change.
Morning was gone too fast because I had to do tons of things… More like, I decided to do a lot of things - to get him out of my mind. I have no school, no work, but I ran all over the house doing random things. Forget it Mirai… It’s all over. It’s done.
Suzuka was the first to talk to me. She forced me to have a cup of coffee and here I am. “…Mirai-chan…” she uttered, I can tell she doesn’t really know where to start. “Why?” and that simple word made all the intentions of this conversation clear.
Staring at my cup of tea, “…I don’t know…” the words slid out of me. Then I looked up at my friend, but I can’t really see her face - tears are blocking my view, “It’s for the best.”
xXxXx
Looking out the window, I can only see the busy lights of New York. That phone call from her before my flight kept me awake for the entire trip. “Yama-chan…” I heard a knock and here come’s Dai-chan, patting my shoulder. “We’re heading outside for a little walk.” He knew what just happened, actually, the whole group does - they’ve been very considerate.
I tried my hardest to smile - I know they’re all just worried about me, “I’ll pass…” instinctively I looked at my phone - I’ve been wanting to call her… message her at least. It’s agonizing.
I felt Dai-chan pat on my shoulder again, “Just tell me if you need anything.”
Dai-chan has always been like this ever since out relationship started - he’s like an older brother I never had. Everyone in JUMP is a brother to me, but Dai-chan has always been someone I run to right away. The moment I heard the door close, I stared at the lights below. I took a picture and as if it’s a reflex, I was almost about to send it to her. It’s been something I got used to doing - sending her random pictures, especially when we’re on photo-shoot locations.
But now… I threw my phone on the bed. I can’t send her any… Not one…
xXxXx
A day came where I randomly checked on old messages inside my phone. Perhaps it’s just now that I’ve noticed most of my messages were from him.
I tried opening one of them, and it’s just a random one greeting me a good morning. Before I knew it, I was going through almost all of them, some making me frown, others making me laugh, and most of them just making me smile. He has never failed to greet me every morning, nor has he failed to wish me a good night. It’s been weeks, and now I really feel as if my mornings and nights are missing something.
But I had to hold onto my decision - it’s been something we both needed. We needed to be away from each other.
I opened one more message, telling me this’ll be the last one and that I’ll have to delete them all…
I’ll always be in love with you.
I flipped my phone close. It has always been something he kept saying. And yes, he usually messages me with just that simple line. And here I am crying… And I had to admit to myself that I would love to hear this from him again.
xXxXx
“Give it back!” She said, a mixture of giggle and anger only she can manage. I watched as she kept reaching for my phone. “Delete that picture! It’s so ugly!!!” She yelled, and I kept running. “Is that thing on!? RYOSUKE!”
I laughed - this video never fails to make me laugh. Honestly, I still have tons of them here in my phone, but I dare not to open them.
I ended up on those latest pictures I’ve taken and wished I could send them to her. Come to think of it, it’s been almost a month, and none of us had the courage to really have a closure.
Then it hit me. Looking at one photo of hers, just sleeping on my shoulder - I’d do anything to have this moment back. Perhaps we just don’t want any closure at all.
xXxXx
It’s been months since we last talked. Walking at the streets of Yokohama by myself, I feel as if I’m not sure where I am. Hiding under this casual disguise of mine to lessen the attention and paparazzi; I strolled around familiar parks.
I stopped at a playground where we used to sit on a bench and laugh; where he’d usually force me to get on a swing just so he could push me like a little kid. I felt like an idiot laughing by myself while remembering little memories.
Just to not put more pressure on my chest, I continued walking, and found myself crossing the busy streets - where buildings and people surround me. In this crowd, I am just an ordinary person. I looked up and as if I’m being teased by chance, I saw that banner of their group. Yes, of course… his face is impossible to miss. With a new movie coming out, a new album, and brand new single, there’s nothing else I could wish for him and his group.
Sincerely, I am happy for them. I then saw a poster just across theirs, of myself - that movie that is about to be released today. I have three dramas lined up for me, and University studies that are just starting. Feeling engulfed and belittled, I took a deep breath.
Reality has taken over us in a way that we both had to let go of that little ‘magic’ we managed to keep between us since out second year of High School. Yes. We’ve been dating since Second Year - a lot has happened in between, but now… I guess we just had to let go. Just like that, we just had to…
xXxXx
It’s very rare for me nowadays to even have a day-off, so when I do, I try my best to maximize it.
Sitting at this little café I found about years ago, I look around. This is the exact same spot we sit on whenever we decide to have a casual date. She’s always been fonder of casual eat-outs like this rather than fancy dinners - I personally don’t mind as long as I’m with her. Looking at the empty seat in front of me, I felt that little pang of pain once again. After ordering and barely touching my cup of tea, I saved myself from more pain by walking out of the café.
I found myself wandering aimlessly, buying things as I go. Soon, I just got out from a photography shop, holding onto this little envelope containing pictures I’ve just had printed out and off I go walking around once again.
I stopped at this certain shop - where I bought her a Minnie mouse phone charm. I got myself a Mickey mouse one and I’ve been using it up till this day. Unknowingly I held it, and again, I took another photo - a photo of this little boutique store. I’m sure she’d remember this even though it’s been years since we were last year. Why did I never take her back here? The thought kind of send daggers to my chest and I just kept walking. There’s no way I can take her here anymore.
xXxXx
As I got in, I noticed that our usual seat seemed to have just been occupied. The waiter has just finished cleaning that single cup. After he left, I took that seat - there’s probably nowhere else I’d wanna be sitting on but this spot.
As my order came I felt a little smile across my face - this is my favourite; and his too. Staring at the slice of cake, I can remember how much he’d fight just to get this strawberry topped on this slice. This is a café he said he found about - and it’s been one of my favourites ever since he’s brought be here. It’s tiny, it’s quiet, and there are usually not much people going here. After a quick meal, I resumed my day-off with strolling around usual places.
I saw a couple walking out of a familiar boutique, smiling as they show themselves those matching key-chains they’ve bought for each other. I instinctively held onto that Minnie Mouse one dangling on my phone. When was it that we were both here? For some strange reason I felt like turning around; as if I’m meant to see someone. But all I saw is a guy walking away. My heart stopped for a moment - I think I’ll recognize that figure anywhere. Then I brushed the thought off quickly - I have no idea what I’d do if I see him again.
xXxXx
Have you ever had that feeling that you just have to look back? I did. And as I looked back, I felt that huge disappointment. What was I thinking seeing her here? Leaving that boutique, I found myself wanting to see that old school of ours. I chuckled. When was it that I was still a student there? It sounds wrong calling it my ‘old-school’ I feel as if I’m throwing it inside my past - along with those precious memories.
Never did I think I’ll miss walking this path - this route we take towards Horikoshi. See, things are a little different for us people in class D - but I’ve always hated school and walking here keeps me thinking about all the things I have to study and memorize.
Now it’s different. I never thought I’d say this, but I miss this place. I miss this feeling. As I stood near the entrance, I knew I miss her more and more. Usually that’s where I’ll see her almost every morning. Sometimes giggling with Suzuka-chan, or gossiping with Kawashima. I frowned and just ran - not really sure where my feet would take me.
I knew one thing. I can’t be here any second more. I can’t… not think of her… I’m trying to let go okay? What more does my heart want from me?
xXxXx
There was something light about taking this route again - this route towards Horikoshi Gakuen’s entrance that I was assigned to take. For three years, I’ve made these same steps I’m making right now. Through those years, I’ve taken these steps with a smile, knowing that I’ll see him once I get inside our room.
It’s closed. I’m glad to be standing here on a day like this, where everything seemed quiet and my mind can be at ease. Again I took out my phone, I don’t know why I still feel like a message is coming - or a call… or anything.
As if on cue, I looked behind me. Usually, he’d be walking just a few steps behind me when we get to this part near the entrance. It’s where I’ll see him, Kamiki, Nakajima-kun and Chinen-kun - all with wrinkled faces. That memory makes me laugh - they all really look like they hate going to school.
Usually, I’ll tease them with paparazzi pictures of theirs and it’ll be a mad argument between paparazzis and all that.
Again I was directed towards one of the major things that made us let go of each other. Without further thinking, I decided to go home.
xXxXx
As I managed to calm myself down, I’ve decided it’s now or never - so I took out that envelop I just got.
It looks like no one’s home. It’s funny that I’m feeling all nervous now but I’ve been to her house countless times and even on random occasions. Standing in front of her doorway now seemed rather nostalgic - more like it’s something I’ve missed so much even though it’s only been months.
I’ve decided to leave my little package inside their mailbox, looked at her bedroom window one more time before shoving my hands inside my pocket and walking away.
The moment I turned, I felt really frozen. There she stood, a few feet from me; I knew we both have the same look on our faces.
xXxXx
I blinked. My eyes must be playing tricks on me - but no. It really is him. I felt like I had to say something - the last time we talked, I was cruel enough to hang up on him. What’s there for me to say? I don’t even have the right to face him like this.
But I felt the need to at least keep it casual: The lesser exchange of words between us, the better. “Yamada-kun…” I figured it’d be best to call him the way I used to before things between us got special.
He kept his lips together as he nodded curtly, “Shida-chan…” a part of me feels the loss in that simple name that he called me - now we must feel even.
xXxXx
If you ask me, how I’m doing…
She walked a few steps closer, my heart can only beat so hard but I tried to keep it steady. “How are you?” She asked; I’m glad she looks like she’s doing well.
I would say I’m doin’ just fine
“I’m fine, thanks.” I managed a smile, “…and you?” I had to try and look at her face at least, “Day-off?” Racking my brain for the simplest words, I just feel like I wanted to keep talking to her even for a just a little bit.
She smiled and nodded, “You look like you’re having some free time too…” pointing at the bags I’m carrying, “Shopping I see…”
What more can I say? I just nodded and soon she walked past by me - I fought the urge to grab her hand. I’ve wanted nothing but to be with her again yet I don’t think I can say that. Can you hear how much I want to just stay here with you? “Just walking around and ended up grabbing things. I’m on my way home too.” She smiled and nodded, and soon I watched as she opened their gate, I knew at some point we’re going to have to stop talking.
xXxXx
I stared at our door, my back turned on him - Is he going to walk away now? How can I tell him to stay a little bit more if I asked him to stay away from me in the first place? I took a deep breath, turned around and looked at him. You have no idea the relief I had seeing that he looks like he’s not about to go. “Ne Yama-chan…” I paused, forming fists with my hands as I hate myself right now, “…How are you doing…?” I feel something from his eyes… “Really..” I know some might hate me for this - that it’s like I’m only hurting him… but the truth is, I care nothing more but to know if he’s doing okay.
You see. I’d take all the hurt with everything that has happened. I’ll take it all in. Just so Ryosuke would be spared from the pain.
xXxXx
I would lie and say that you’re not on my mind
“…I’ve managed…” that was my response. I see the Mirai I’ve always loved - here she is standing in front of me. No one has cared for me so much the way she has. I’ve never felt so loved… and here we stand, a few months after leaving each other - and the pain has grown nothing but worse. “…Why are we even doing this?” It surprised us both, what I said, I mean. Because I never thought I’d have the courage to ask her.
She took a step closer as I watch her bite on her lips and soon, I couldn’t help but curse the moment she looked into my eyes and I see tears in hers. “…because it’s what’s best…” She uttered; but there’s nothing ‘best’ about the way she said this - nor has there anything ‘better’ that we got from all this. “Ryosuke…”
“We both tried, didn’t we?” I fought the urge to just pull her - I can’t stand seeing her like this. “We both tried to live without each other…”
She sniffed, wiped away her tears and I knew she was fighting to look straight into my eyes. It’s funny how she suddenly chuckled, as new set of tears came rolling down as she nods and uttered, “…It sucks…” she kept crying, and there’s no way I’m letting her handle this on her own.
Without hesitation, and all those months of missing her, I pulled her and immediately I felt complete. As she buried her face on my shoulder, I listened to her cry louder - she’s been holding it back.
“It sucks so bad…” she was sobbing, I just embraced her tighter. “I didn’t know what I was thinking I…”
“Sssshhhh…” I whispered to her ear, kissing her temples, “It was my fault for not fighting back.” She kept crying, “I knew I shouldn’t have left you even if you asked me too.”
xXxXx
I kept crying, and crying. I’ve never felt so at ease and comfortable - it felt as if I’ve been lost all this time. I admit I blame myself for these past few months of suffering, but I guess now we finally realized that reality doesn’t always have to have its control over us.
After everything, I feel as if I owe Ryosuke a lot - but all he did was blame his own self for what has become of us. I felt him pull away, locking my face between his hands. I missed this so badly - those hands that fit mine ever so perfectly. He brushed away my tears, “It can’t be over, okay?” He uttered - Ryosuke has never been good with words but to me, everything means so much… everything that comes from him. “You can’t give up on us again, okay?”
I just nodded, “I’m so sorry…” I kept crying and he pulled me into another hug - I swear I can stay like this as long as he wants me to. There’s nothing more stupid that wanting Ryosuke away from me.
xXxXx
“It’s going to be tough I know…” I uttered, knowing this is what she’s thinking of - that break-up, I know she did that thinking that it might be the best for us. I’m not going to lie, to other couples, that must’ve been the best way - but perhaps Mirai and I are really different. With work, her school, everything, I know it’s going to be really hard but we’re not about to just give it up like that.
“I won’t let go again…” She uttered between her tears and I can only kiss her forehead.
“And there’s no way I’m gonna let you.” With that, everything can go crazy and I wouldn’t care. I know we’re challenging reality - and it’s not gonna be easy on us… even at this moment I think tabloids might be filled with things about us - things that’ll tear us down completely. But I’d like to believe that all I need is her -more than anything else- to be able to surpass whatever will be thrown at me.
We’ve suffered months of emptiness - I can’t even describe how much those months felt like death - or even worse - I’m not about to let us feel like that again. “I’ve missed you…” I felt really happy hearing these from her - even as she cries, I knew my Mirai is back to me again.
I kissed her nose and pulled her closer, “Don’t even ask how much I’ve missed you…” because I’ll never ever know how much I’ve longed to just be with her again.
As she's calmed down, I felt silly taking out that package I've left in their mailbox - and I handed it to her. She opened it and was staring at those pictures. She smiled, "What's all this?"
We were sitting at that small bench inside their front yard garden. I watched her look from one photo to another. "They're pictures I've thought of sending you..." she stopped, "But since I couldn't, I thought of printing them out and giving them to you, still..." I smiled, thinking at the time I take those pictures, "When I was taking them, I always thought, 'Mirai-chan would love to see this...' or 'I want Mirai-chan to see this' you know..." I felt like a kid, as I looked away.
I felt her held my face and I looked at her. "Sometimes I wonder, what I did to deserve someone like you..." Mirai has never been the one to start off with sweet words, nor am I good with them either, but this can literally blow my heart.
"What are you talking about... I should be saying that..." She smiled and leaned her head on my shoulder, our hands laced together.
"Yama-chan..." she uttered, as she plays with my hands - I've missed her little hands in mine. "Thank you for not really giving up on me..." I feel as if she's so fragile - that in every little thing, I would give up anything just to be beside her all the time.
I wanted to tell her that it's me who should be thanking her, that she's given me nothing but a reason to be happy - to thank her for being strong and still holding on. But I know she knows that already "I'll never give up on us..." I uttered this then I told her one thing I've missed telling her so much as I kissed her forehead, "You know I'll always be in love with you..." And it's true - and that will never ever change. Ever.