001
last night i dreamt that somebody loved me
hoya/dongwoo | pg15+ | 1575w
the break up told backwards.
a/n: inspired by prompt #64 at milkpoet. title taken from the smiths song of the same name.
“So at the death of love, it appears that one stops loving another not because of who they are,
but because they are such and such.”
- Jacques Derrida
Hoya and Dongwoo break up on a Thursday.
***
It takes two days.
Hoya is rash and so incisively mean that even Woohyun steps in with a small yah, I think that’s enough, Sunggyu’s fingers curling around his wrist the whole time. Hoya’s breathing is hard, sharp little pants in the still of the room, and Dongwoo sticks himself to the wall, wants to melt into it and disappear until this whole thing blows over.
“You’re a coward, Jang Dongwoo,” presses the pads of his fingers to the lids of his eyes, rubs there with intent and says “We’re done.”
Hoya leaves with a soft click of the front door, leaves Dongwoo pale and lips drawn tight, leaves the rest of Infinite raising eyebrows and mouthing words, having whole conversations in the quiet of their living room.
Dongwoo feels something beneath his breastbone tighten and squeeze. He thinks it’s his heart breaking.
***
“I know you know I know.”
Dongwoo almost slips in the shower. He grabs the shower curtain in one hand and clutches at his chest with the other.
“Sungyeol,” he wheezes “Sungyeol, what the fuck?”
Dongwoo can hear him taking a piss, the sound cutting through the haze in his head and the water pelting down against his skin, the tub. There’s a flush, the dull thud of the toilet seat being put down, Sungyeol washing his hands in the sink.
“I said, I know you know I know.”
Sungyeol sits himself down on the toilet, hands on his thighs, the harsh fluorescence of the bathroom light washing out the colour in his cheeks. Dongwoo takes a moment; grips the shower taps and watches his knuckles go white.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Yeol. Stop talking in riddles. And get out! Bathroom is occupied, asshole.”
Sungyeol makes a sound, a cross between a sigh and a growl, but he gets up from his seat nonetheless. He checks himself in the mirror, brushes off dust that isn’t there, the loud exhale he makes resounding in the cramped bathroom.
“I know-”
Dongwoo lifts his head from where his chin was tucked to his chest, ready to interrupt, but Sungyeol beats him to it.
“No. Shutup. Wait! I was going to say that I know something’s wrong, and I want to help you fix it because everyone’s on edge and we don’t need you two fucking around-” Dongwoo thinks the taps are gonna break the way his hands are clenching around them “-being mad at each other! We just… we need to fix this, Dongwoo hyung.”
The water runs down Dongwoo’s calves, down the notches on his spine, the bridge of his nose, and Sungyeol starts to toe at the towel on the floor. Dongwoo swallows his spit, says “I don’t know what you’re talking about” and shuts off the water.
The door swings open and Sungyeol is gone.
He hears later from Sungjong that Sungyeol hyung is talking to himself. Should we call a doctor? They’re sitting with their backs to the wall in the living room and Myungsoo hushes him when Sungyeol treads heavily to the kitchen and proceeds to open the cabinets only to angrily swing them all shut again. Sungjong opens his mouth, a quick remark on the tip of his tongue, but Myungsoo slaps an open palm over it before any damage is done.
Dongwoo thinks Sungjong licks Myungsoo’s hand in retaliation if that yelp was anything to go by.
***
Practice had gone on longer than even Sunggyu would have liked, everyone’s chests heaving, skin slick with the sweat that had collected over the past seven hours. Hoya lies spread eagle, the back of his hand touching Myungsoo’s thigh, and it couldn’t have been by accident Dongwoo thinks, there’s no way. Hoya’s eyes meet his, a brief exchange, and now Dongwoo knows for sure. Dongwoo turns away and moves to lie on his side facing the mirror. He looks at his reflection, sees the dark circles under his eyes, the way his mouth never seem to keep his too-big teeth from showing, sees how his ears stick out too much. He looks at his reflection and all he can see are the things that make him inadequate and unworthy and gods, he’s really gonna feel the burn in his thighs tomorrow morning.
Dongwoo sees Hoya in his periphery, laughing a little at something Woohyun has said, and he wonders how he could ever compare. Sungyeol is staring at him when he chances a look over his shoulder.
“Home time, kids.”
***
Hoya’s curled around him, his chest warm against Dongwoo’s back, Hoya’s fingers fitting themselves in between Dongwoo’s. The glow from outside is muted behind the curtains, his legs tangling themselves with Hoya’s. It’s almost 5am, Dongwoo thinks, tries to grab his cellphone from under their makeshift mattress to check, but Hoya only holds onto his hand tighter, pulling it back under the blanket. Hoya cuddles into him, presses closer so that Dongwoo can feel the flesh of his chin on his shoulder, the heat of his cheek on his ear and neck.
“Still early,” Hoya mumbles, head turning so that his lips catch on Dongwoo’s collarbone “sleep.”
Dongwoo can feel the thump thump of Hoya’s heartbeat, the little breaths Hoya takes against his skin, and it almost lulls him back to sleep. It makes Dongwoo want to kiss Hoya, so he does, even if the angle is awkward and their breaths are disgusting, and Dongwoo misses for the first couple of seconds. Dongwoo kisses Hoya and Hoya sighs into it, arms hauling him closer.
Then a door creaks open and Dongwoo remembers that he’s in the living room, not his own bedroom, oh my god, the living room. Dongwoo remembers he’s in the living room when Woohyun slips from between the space he’s made between the door and its frame, no doubt about to go wake Sungjong and Sungyeol and Hoya like he does every morning, only this time, routine is interrupted. Woohyun is thrown off for a moment, almost tripping over his own feet, when he sees Dongwoo and Hoya in the living room. Dongwoo and Hoya kissing in the living room.
“Oh,” he says, eyes large, a hand still on the doorknob, “oh.”
Dongwoo tears himself out of Hoya’s arms, out of Hoya’s mouth, out of their bed. He’s breathing heavily, a little too awake for 5am, and Hoya’s got this dumbfounded expression on his face, arms still out like he hasn’t quite processed that Dongwoo’s not in them anymore. And Hoya looks so sweet, so lovely and safe looking up at Dongwoo with lips parted and still wet with Dongwoo’s saliva, that Dongwoo almost crawls back in. Woohyun makes a strangled sound in the back of his throat and the moment passes.
“It’s not what it looks like,” Dongwoo starts “I swear. It’s not.”
Woohyun looks like he doesn’t believe him, hips cocked and hand curled loosely to point at Dongwoo. There’s a strange glint in his eyes, teasing scowl already in place, before it all fades to a look of surprise. Hoya stumbles up behind him, shirt off and his face hard,
“It’s nothing, hyung. Nothing.”
Woohyun looks from Dongwoo to Hoya, gaze sliding between them, sighs and decides to let it go. He moves to where Sungjong and Sungyeol are sleeping, says quietly,
“It’s too early in the morning for this. Just… go shower or something.”
Just like that and they’re alone again. Dongwoo turns to face Hoya, but Hoya already has his back to him, bending down to pick up their pillows and blankets. Dongwoo reaches out, fingers on the nape of Hoya’s neck. Hoya tenses, Dongwoo feels it beneath his hands, but before he can say anything, Hoya shakes him off.
When they all pile into the car that morning, Hoya makes it a point to sit in the passenger seat next to their manager. Dongwoo feels like a part of him is missing when he goes to hold onto Hoya’s hand only to find Sunggyu’s instead.
***
They go on like this for a couple months: making out in the practice room, holding hands underneath tables, having sex in the dorm when nobody’s home. Dongwoo worries about getting caught sometimes, but Hoya can usually make him forget with a sharp flick of the wrist.
***
Dongwoo thinks that Hoya is the most talented person in Infinite. He would say the company, but really, Dongwoo doesn’t know everyone in the company, so he can’t say. Dongwoo thinks that Hoya is beautiful, and a good rapper, and just better than him in general. In life, to be honest.
Dongwoo thinks a lot and says very little so he shocks himself when he accidentally blurts out how good Hoya looks during practice. Everyone was taking a break, the other five opting to go outside and take a breather, while Hoya and him lay on the practice room floor. Hoya turns to look at him, rolls so that he’s next to Dongwoo, and considers him for a moment. Dongwoo has always had a thing for Hoya, and he’s not sure if it was a respect thing or an actual sexual attraction thing, but having Hoya this close is a little unnerving.
“Thank you” Hoya breathes, pushing himself up onto his elbows, hovering over Dongwoo. Dongwoo’s mouth is dry and he’s wet with sweat, but Hoya doesn’t seem to mind when he kisses him.