Everything Means Nothing To Me
The following was taken from the back of my Starbucks cup:
"The irony of commitment is that it's deeply liberating - in work, in play, in love. The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head from the barrier of life"
Well, I must say that the real irony here is the fact that this was on the back of my Starbucks cup today. For, I have decided to be eternally celibate. I will not go out on a date again, I will not involve myself in any exclusive male/female relationships. I am going to be independent, and alone, the rest of my life...and, I think I really like this decision. It does take a load off my back.
Now, I know it must seem weird for a 19 year old girl, who is not in any way religious, to declare herself eternally celibate. But, I swear, this decision has been made in reaction to circumstances which celibacy would prevent. It seems the only option to avoid the trouble and confusion that only romantic relationships can cause, which is eventually my goal, as well as to avoid the embarrassment of any failed encounters.
This may seem like a cop-out, or any action taken out of pure fear - and it may very well be. But at this point in time, the only reason I can see for having any romantic excursions is to know that someday, when I die, I will not lie rotting in my house until the stench finally attracts that rats and the papers pile up high across the front porch. However, I see this as being a problem that I, myself, will have no actual awareness of, and am willing to forgo it in the hopes of achieving more peace while still alive. For, never experiencing the humiliation which I feel now seems far greater a relief then knowing my lifeless body will be found before the onset of rot.
You may be asking why I am embarrassed. And, the answer is quite easy...After any second date a kiss is expected. However, when he leaned in for that kiss, I ran. Honestly bolted from his car. Why? I still do not quite know. My mind likes to blame it on the fact that I didn't like him nearly half as much as I ever liked Chris. However, I think I may have just been scared of the change. Either way, I am not expecting a phone call from him - I think he is feeling pretty bad at this moment, as would be expected. I honestly feel bad for making him feel like shit (cause I am sure that's how my actions made him feel), so to spare myself, and any potential suitor from this type of treatment, I am now eternally celibate.
Oh...this decision has also been made after 36 hours of no sleep. I honestly sat in bed for 3 hours, simply lying in the dark, without being able to go to sleep. Eventually, I got up and watched my tape of Prison Break, as there was no point in trying to sleep any longer.
"The irony of commitment is that it's deeply liberating - in work, in play, in love. The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head from the barrier of life"
Well, I must say that the real irony here is the fact that this was on the back of my Starbucks cup today. For, I have decided to be eternally celibate. I will not go out on a date again, I will not involve myself in any exclusive male/female relationships. I am going to be independent, and alone, the rest of my life...and, I think I really like this decision. It does take a load off my back.
Now, I know it must seem weird for a 19 year old girl, who is not in any way religious, to declare herself eternally celibate. But, I swear, this decision has been made in reaction to circumstances which celibacy would prevent. It seems the only option to avoid the trouble and confusion that only romantic relationships can cause, which is eventually my goal, as well as to avoid the embarrassment of any failed encounters.
This may seem like a cop-out, or any action taken out of pure fear - and it may very well be. But at this point in time, the only reason I can see for having any romantic excursions is to know that someday, when I die, I will not lie rotting in my house until the stench finally attracts that rats and the papers pile up high across the front porch. However, I see this as being a problem that I, myself, will have no actual awareness of, and am willing to forgo it in the hopes of achieving more peace while still alive. For, never experiencing the humiliation which I feel now seems far greater a relief then knowing my lifeless body will be found before the onset of rot.
You may be asking why I am embarrassed. And, the answer is quite easy...After any second date a kiss is expected. However, when he leaned in for that kiss, I ran. Honestly bolted from his car. Why? I still do not quite know. My mind likes to blame it on the fact that I didn't like him nearly half as much as I ever liked Chris. However, I think I may have just been scared of the change. Either way, I am not expecting a phone call from him - I think he is feeling pretty bad at this moment, as would be expected. I honestly feel bad for making him feel like shit (cause I am sure that's how my actions made him feel), so to spare myself, and any potential suitor from this type of treatment, I am now eternally celibate.
Oh...this decision has also been made after 36 hours of no sleep. I honestly sat in bed for 3 hours, simply lying in the dark, without being able to go to sleep. Eventually, I got up and watched my tape of Prison Break, as there was no point in trying to sleep any longer.