From Quora: Fathers' Rights in Abortion
The following answer to this question is the absolute best discussion of a father's rights in the case of an abortion that I have ever read.
Do women take into consideration how their partners feel when they decide to have an abortion?
Do women take into consideration how their partners feel when they decide to have an abortion?
Answer by Maria Bray
Maria Bray, studied Sociology & Psychology at California State University, San Marcos (2001)
Answered Dec 28
My husband was very pro-life when we met.
In fact, the deal-breaker in his first marriage was that his wife had an abortion.
She had told him she had no interest in becoming a parent in the beginning and she stayed true to that. She is still childless.
I was confused. “She told you in the beginning that she didn’t want children. It makes sense that in a birth control fail she opted for an abortion. Why did that make you angry?”
“Because abortion is wrong. Because I thought she’d change her mind.”
“But she told you upfront that she didn’t want kids. You probably should have taken her at her word. It’s very interesting to me that you are pro-life, by the way.”
“Why is that?”
“When we became sexually active in the beginning of our relationship, not once did you bring up the topic of birth control. You had no idea where I stood on having children nor did you care if we were protected against a pregnancy that may or may not have been wanted. You didn’t use a condom.”
*silence*
“Had I become pregnant, I probably would have had an abortion, by the way. You were 3 months clean from drugs, had no money to support a child, nor did I. It would not have made sense to bring a child into the world with those circumstances.”
“What about my opinion? It would have been my child too.”
“Well. That’s something we should have talked about before becoming sexually active, right? Because that’s a very real thing and something two people should be on the same page with.”
*silence*
“In the end, it would have been my choice and something you would have to live with.”
“That’s not fair for you to decide whether I become a parent or not.”
“You’re right. It’s not fair. It’s equally unfair that you would expect me to take on the lifestyle changes and health risks of bearing a child without me being on-board with the idea.”
*more silence*
“After all, you have options. You could stay and be a dad; you could decide parenthood is not for you and leave me as the sole parent. But once I became a mom, my options would have been to be a mom, no matter what that entailed-financial and emotional support or absolutely none-or giving up a child to the adoption process.”
“I wouldn’t have allowed a child of mine to be adopted.”
“So, I’d be further limited. Or you’d have to take sole custody.”
*silence* Then…
“So, really, I lost all rights to have an opinion on this when I didn’t talk to you in advance about what might happen should you become pregnant?”
“Yes. That’s what I’m saying.”
At the time, we were still casually dating so I suggested that any future relationship consist of that conversation in advance.
I stand by that. If you’re mature enough to begin a sexual relationship, you’re mature enough to have that conversation. Although the basic answers in that are open to change in response to different situations (health, money, career goals, apparent issues in common values, etc.) you stand more of a chance of being able to have a say in things as a man if you’re having sex with someone on the same page as you. If you neglect this responsibility, you only have the right to support the decision made by the woman.
Do women take into consideration how their partners feel when they decide to have an abortion?
Do women take into consideration how their partners feel when they decide to have an abortion?
Answer by Maria Bray
Maria Bray, studied Sociology & Psychology at California State University, San Marcos (2001)
Answered Dec 28
My husband was very pro-life when we met.
In fact, the deal-breaker in his first marriage was that his wife had an abortion.
She had told him she had no interest in becoming a parent in the beginning and she stayed true to that. She is still childless.
I was confused. “She told you in the beginning that she didn’t want children. It makes sense that in a birth control fail she opted for an abortion. Why did that make you angry?”
“Because abortion is wrong. Because I thought she’d change her mind.”
“But she told you upfront that she didn’t want kids. You probably should have taken her at her word. It’s very interesting to me that you are pro-life, by the way.”
“Why is that?”
“When we became sexually active in the beginning of our relationship, not once did you bring up the topic of birth control. You had no idea where I stood on having children nor did you care if we were protected against a pregnancy that may or may not have been wanted. You didn’t use a condom.”
*silence*
“Had I become pregnant, I probably would have had an abortion, by the way. You were 3 months clean from drugs, had no money to support a child, nor did I. It would not have made sense to bring a child into the world with those circumstances.”
“What about my opinion? It would have been my child too.”
“Well. That’s something we should have talked about before becoming sexually active, right? Because that’s a very real thing and something two people should be on the same page with.”
*silence*
“In the end, it would have been my choice and something you would have to live with.”
“That’s not fair for you to decide whether I become a parent or not.”
“You’re right. It’s not fair. It’s equally unfair that you would expect me to take on the lifestyle changes and health risks of bearing a child without me being on-board with the idea.”
*more silence*
“After all, you have options. You could stay and be a dad; you could decide parenthood is not for you and leave me as the sole parent. But once I became a mom, my options would have been to be a mom, no matter what that entailed-financial and emotional support or absolutely none-or giving up a child to the adoption process.”
“I wouldn’t have allowed a child of mine to be adopted.”
“So, I’d be further limited. Or you’d have to take sole custody.”
*silence* Then…
“So, really, I lost all rights to have an opinion on this when I didn’t talk to you in advance about what might happen should you become pregnant?”
“Yes. That’s what I’m saying.”
At the time, we were still casually dating so I suggested that any future relationship consist of that conversation in advance.
I stand by that. If you’re mature enough to begin a sexual relationship, you’re mature enough to have that conversation. Although the basic answers in that are open to change in response to different situations (health, money, career goals, apparent issues in common values, etc.) you stand more of a chance of being able to have a say in things as a man if you’re having sex with someone on the same page as you. If you neglect this responsibility, you only have the right to support the decision made by the woman.