What did I do wrong in this life? How come there are people who seem to have it all???
I dont know..I just feel like saying "Why Me???" I dont know how to get this out there..this is a negative entry, its a venting, i dont know if i should have set it to private mode or left it here like this, I dont want to be seen as negative or judged or anything else.I dont want people to feel bad for me or think otherwise. this is just as it is so I'm just venting and thats all. I feel like I didn't even know how to vent.
I just want toget out whats my personal/internal struggle maybe its been buried deep but I've been thinking these things a lot over the past few months.
Everyone goes through hardships and difficult periods of their lives and no matter what I studied and what I thought I understood it doesn't make sense anymore. Its like, whats the point of this nonsense???
I thought that yeah I'll learn through difficult experiences and become a better person because of it and I thought that it will help with personal spiritual evolution but it honestly feels like bullsh*t.
I just feel nothings going in the way I really like.
Why can't I just have it my way for once?? Why does it have to be everyone's way??? Why does society have to have all these damn rules? Like why can't I do what I damn please? What have I done wrong to not let me have these privileges??
I feel like I've been there for people and I've done what I could for others but I can't do more than I can and I dont know if I want to be there for others. I dont want to be selfish but I just feel like I've been royally f*cked over in this lifetime. I feel like I've taken extra time to not hurt people from my teen years no matter how much pain they've inflicted upon me..I wouldn't hurt them back unless it was deep enough. I didn't even want to tell people off , yell at them or curse at them or work it out because I felt it was meaningless to tell them"hey what you did offended me or bothered me, please don't do it again". Sayin gsomething like that to me was just viewed like, "I'm demanding something from someone and I dont want them to do it because I sound selfish in asking them to do it". Well too many things got on my nerves over the years but I didn't let it out. Too many things upset and disappointed me. I try not to hurt others and I tried to be civil and I tried to remain responsible for my thoughts and actions and tried to be morally righteous. I tried not to do destructive things like drugs, alcohol,etc..all those vices..even swearing..I tried not to.
Then it seems like all the people who do it get what they want.
I'm so misunderstood.
I hate my life.
Whats the point of it all?????
I tried so hard all these years to be there for other people, to please others, to make others happy around me while growing up and I had to learn the hard way and difficult way to be there for me. I feel like its too late.
I'm stubborn too. I know.
I know how to advise and counsel myself. I dont need another. I just like venting. I dont even like drawing negative attentio nor certain attention that would hurt others. but I am doing it.
YOu wnat to know why I laugh or act silly? because I want to be positive..sometimes I do vent and complain but I hate when I do it. I wanted another way to deal and cope. I wish someone taught me how to communicate effectively instead of telling me off that I talk too much.
ahem..parents?!!!!
Yes I dont want to blame it on others but I feel at this point I have some damn right.
It doesn't make me sound any better.
I thought we're all responsible for our thoughts and actions..and thats what I tried to be. but you know what..i feel like saying f'it all. There are people wh oaren't responsible and they have what they want and they still mess with others lives. It disgusts me.
I tried to be morally good. Save for this year and the last, forget it..forget my actions. If God had to judge me, I think God should say"I dont blame her for behaving like this".
I hate society.There are too many things I dont like. And I'm sure someone will just say,"Oh shove it and deal". There are cruel people out there.
I dont get this whole world. Does anyone?????
Okay it seems to others I have all the material things I could have asked for. But how come I dont have what I damn want??? how come I'm not there yet? Why are there people who f*ck over others and still have it great and grand and the ones they f*cked over are still tryin to get out of misery?
I dont even know about what I want anymore. I dont even know if I can have what I want. I'm just sad and miserable.
I ca'nt hear about another persons marriage or a persons success story.
I tried.
and I want to be there...but I dont want to be seen as a wretched person an dpeople will talk about me or deal with me with kids gloves.
No I dont want that shiznit either. I like it straight to the point. No more mind games. I had it.
I have been telling people off this summer and if I had to, I had to cut out relationships..but somehow that doesn't serve justice.
I dont know what I want to do with the people I feel f"cked over by--I want revenge, I want them to feel the pain, I want them to know their consequences-I want them to feel remorse and regret and then know enough not to harass me or take a lawsuit against me or try hurting me back in the process. I feel sorry and bad for them but at the same time because I think I understood them fully about why they did the dumb shiznit they did which you can't really view as harmful in any light but some tiny actions can really hurt others, I think about it over and I'm like, why bother??? I want them to have a good life but I want them to know what they did or didn't do to me that hurt me so badly. I know that I"m responsible for the way I think and react and feel but still.
This annoys me.
Also, yes, why did a true love have to die? I spent years looking. I hate all the bullshit revolving around it too. Why can't I just have the love I want the way I want?? I deserve one..maybe dating/being in a relationship might not have ever suited me. but I do damn deserve to have what I want after all this time. I aint getting any younger. But at the same time, I have t osay I really can't....cuz I dont want to be in a hurting spree..and I can't have a a sexually active life frankly because I'm a virgin, I'm not healthy, I dont have a venereal disease or an STD but I dont want casual sex. I need a real love and a real romantic life. Don't tell me love doesn't exist, don't tell me that there's no such thing as twin flames and soul mates and past lives. Don't tell me there's no one else out there for me. If you have to, why can't I just start thinking like a nun or a monk or some enlightened being who thinks sex and human love relationships are insignificant or something that they dont desire or really need or want. Life can be sure damn boring and it can be such a disgusting tease. Why can't everyone have the right someone with them right in the way they want it??? Why do people have to suffer?
Don't tell me I'm not meant to be a clairvoyant or a healer then why the hell would you all tell me before it happened that it was meant to happen and I have the calling..then why did I have the feeling to be one for sometime?? Why is my mind the way it is?Why am I different???? I dont mind standing out but...why???
Don't tell me I'm making up lies about Dan being there, cuz I'm not and I had it with people who want to think otherwise--honestly I can't stand that his spirits not telling me about the progress of my life. yes I have a right to complain..its my body, my emotions and my soul I'm dealing with. I dont get God, I don't get the Universe, I don't get why I'm clairvoyant and I have a unique energy problem, WHy me????. WHY ISN"T THERE SOMEONE ELSE IN TE WORLD WHO CAN TELL ME WHATS GOING ON?? Aren't there people who might be kind enough to tell me while I'm struggling with it all whats to come of it, how do I get through it, whats the outcome..please tell me honestly?? I believed that despite how hard someone suffered, you can still overcome it and get better. I wanted to achieve a lot of things and have it all. Why can't I?? its depressing. A lot of things are. Don't give me some bullsh*t either. If you have to tell me something I dont understand, explain it please. I hate lies.
I want the truth. I want an explanation. This world doesn't make sense anymore and I used to understand the explanations or take the explanations every faith, every religion, every philosophy, every belief system and every science I have ever exposed myself to my heart and believe in them--I even believed in myself..just not the way others wanted. If you're going to tell me to believe in me, I want an explanation.. I want a sense of direction. Right now, I dont even care if it means becoming a mind control slave if that even exists..jeez. I'm doing what I can. No, a shrink is not going to help, netiher is a doctor, and neither is a monk. I'm not trying to cry about it everyday..I"m trying to do something about it in the material world. Socializing shouldn't be one of them.
I dont want advice. just the truth and no judgement of my life and I want love and compassion and patience and understanding.