The Outsider
Although I have always identified myself as an Outsider... for a few weeks, I have been feeling stranger than ever; although I have managed to really enjoy myself socially when I am out with other people recently ::: whether i am painting sigils on Paije's walls while we watch mutated video ::: or enjoying Hentai & Pizza with Scott & Heather ::: or attending a surprise bdsm bday party @ Allure w/ Heather & Megan & Marty :::
But I have been extremely resistant to going out to parties & large social gatherings, in general. I know that much of this malaise is due to my desire to stay @ home & order my affairs before I leave for the playa. Still, I believe there is something else going on... it's not just feeling ennui, or nausea, or weltschmerz, or agoraphobia... yeah, i think that Lucky was right: I am struggling with angst.
I just found Chuck Schultz' amusingly succinct summary of Sartre, "I read about him in the New York Times, where he said it was very difficult to be a human being, and the only way to fight against it is to lead an active life - that’s very true." But, we still have to deal with that absurd catch-22 of why we should continue living in the first place...
So, apparently... Kierkegaard might say that, the aesthetic/hedonist lifestyle eventually leads to angst, which provides an opportunity for a "leap of faith" into an ethical framework. So... if i take that leap of faith and get out of bed in the morning, do my morning routine and go out to seize the day... then I will be able to fight against this angst by leading an active life? But what if I'm lying there in a catatonic daze, splashing around in my pity puddle of nausea... will angels & faeries come along with miraculous magic that will somehow motivate me to take such a risk?
Well, fuck me! You'll never believe what happened this morning... my alarm clock woke me up listening to a John Gomi mix (bearfacts#1) during the chorus of "I Feel Love!" I felt chills of delight spreading through my body, jumped out of bed, and have been positively giddy all day!!! John Gomi has always been a good friend, and even when things have been tough for him, he still has that obnoxiously infectious used-car salesman smile that cheers me right the Hell up, whether I want to or not... damnit, that guy has tapped into the source... it's no wonder that he & the equally fantastic April are happily married and proud parents, to boot!
It has been ages since I could get beyond my utter disgust with the music industry and feel profoundly moved moved by music... WTF? Coincidence ::: or something more? ::: read the book ::: see the movie ::: eat the breakfast surreal! Whatever the case, you can be certain that I will return to September's Paparazzi Welcome dance party (I would be there for the August gig, but I will be busy building BRC w/ DPW). This is not an advertisement... I am just participating in transmission of the gnosis.
But I have been extremely resistant to going out to parties & large social gatherings, in general. I know that much of this malaise is due to my desire to stay @ home & order my affairs before I leave for the playa. Still, I believe there is something else going on... it's not just feeling ennui, or nausea, or weltschmerz, or agoraphobia... yeah, i think that Lucky was right: I am struggling with angst.
I just found Chuck Schultz' amusingly succinct summary of Sartre, "I read about him in the New York Times, where he said it was very difficult to be a human being, and the only way to fight against it is to lead an active life - that’s very true." But, we still have to deal with that absurd catch-22 of why we should continue living in the first place...
So, apparently... Kierkegaard might say that, the aesthetic/hedonist lifestyle eventually leads to angst, which provides an opportunity for a "leap of faith" into an ethical framework. So... if i take that leap of faith and get out of bed in the morning, do my morning routine and go out to seize the day... then I will be able to fight against this angst by leading an active life? But what if I'm lying there in a catatonic daze, splashing around in my pity puddle of nausea... will angels & faeries come along with miraculous magic that will somehow motivate me to take such a risk?
Well, fuck me! You'll never believe what happened this morning... my alarm clock woke me up listening to a John Gomi mix (bearfacts#1) during the chorus of "I Feel Love!" I felt chills of delight spreading through my body, jumped out of bed, and have been positively giddy all day!!! John Gomi has always been a good friend, and even when things have been tough for him, he still has that obnoxiously infectious used-car salesman smile that cheers me right the Hell up, whether I want to or not... damnit, that guy has tapped into the source... it's no wonder that he & the equally fantastic April are happily married and proud parents, to boot!
It has been ages since I could get beyond my utter disgust with the music industry and feel profoundly moved moved by music... WTF? Coincidence ::: or something more? ::: read the book ::: see the movie ::: eat the breakfast surreal! Whatever the case, you can be certain that I will return to September's Paparazzi Welcome dance party (I would be there for the August gig, but I will be busy building BRC w/ DPW). This is not an advertisement... I am just participating in transmission of the gnosis.