My life in boxes
I am in a bizarre place with my life.
The first unnerving thing about my life right now is that I'm moving. Back into my parent's home. Back into my teeny-tiny childhood bedroom.
It feels very weird and a little shameful to be a self-sufficient twenty-something moving back into her parent's home. I've had my own place for two years now, and before that, I had a string of long-term house-sitting gigs which meant I spent very little time actually living at home after university graduation. My reasoning for moving back in with my parents is multitudionous, so bear with me:
-my lease is up on my apartment on May 1st and I did not want to renew, nor rent month-to- month as it is quite expensive
-I'm still waiting to hear from the grad program, so if I were to be leaving NC in August or September, it wouldn't make sense to renew my lease or sign a new lease elsewhere
-I've also decided to start looking out-of-state for new employment opportunities. If, luckily enough, someone were to offer me a job in, say, Chicago, starting in July, I wouldn't want to break a lease
So, back to my parent's house it is!
I'm lucky, I know, that my parents are welcoming me with open arms. I'm lucky they love my dog. I'm lucky that we get along quite well...not just get along, but tend to enjoy each others company. Dad and I talk about music and "Lost," Mum and I fuss over the critters, play tennis, and swap books. It just feels weird. I'm very independent, and enjoy living alone because it allows me to follow my whims (after all, watching TV in my underwear or baking whiskey pecan chocolate tarts at 1 AM will not fly in my parents home!).
The secondary part of this weirdness I'm feeling about the move is the fact that I feel like I can't tell any of my co-workers. I'm fortunate in my colleagues - all good, friendly people, a few of whom I've developd friendships with which have moved beyond the bounds of work. I don't want it to get out at work that I'm thinking of leaving my job, since the primary reason for my move is that I don't intend to be in North Carolina through the autumn.
Work has been a combination of stress and unhappiness since last spring really, when I got assigned to work on a specific study. It's gotten worse since November, when there was a first round of lay-offs. At the end of February, 30 people were laid off across the organization, three of them from my little 12 person division. One of the women laid off has been with our organization for 27 years and is almost 60 years old. What is she going to do? Start a new career?
I feel guilty that I still have a job.
I feel guilty that I'm thinking of leaving the job I have.
I feel guilty that I have the chutzpah to think that I can find something better.
I feel anxiety that I may be in the next round of lay-offs (ruined to begin tomorrow or next Thursday).
I feel anxiety that I'll bomb every job interview, if I even get any. I don't know when I became such a coward, but I have very little faith in myself. This is not fishing for compliments (and not just because no one is reading this), just a statement of my current state of mind.
I've felt completely un-creative lately. Haven't worked on any fics, stories, haven't even bothered with my real-life journal.
Still. It's not all doom and gloom. These guys are blooming outside my bedroom window.
The first unnerving thing about my life right now is that I'm moving. Back into my parent's home. Back into my teeny-tiny childhood bedroom.
It feels very weird and a little shameful to be a self-sufficient twenty-something moving back into her parent's home. I've had my own place for two years now, and before that, I had a string of long-term house-sitting gigs which meant I spent very little time actually living at home after university graduation. My reasoning for moving back in with my parents is multitudionous, so bear with me:
-my lease is up on my apartment on May 1st and I did not want to renew, nor rent month-to- month as it is quite expensive
-I'm still waiting to hear from the grad program, so if I were to be leaving NC in August or September, it wouldn't make sense to renew my lease or sign a new lease elsewhere
-I've also decided to start looking out-of-state for new employment opportunities. If, luckily enough, someone were to offer me a job in, say, Chicago, starting in July, I wouldn't want to break a lease
So, back to my parent's house it is!
I'm lucky, I know, that my parents are welcoming me with open arms. I'm lucky they love my dog. I'm lucky that we get along quite well...not just get along, but tend to enjoy each others company. Dad and I talk about music and "Lost," Mum and I fuss over the critters, play tennis, and swap books. It just feels weird. I'm very independent, and enjoy living alone because it allows me to follow my whims (after all, watching TV in my underwear or baking whiskey pecan chocolate tarts at 1 AM will not fly in my parents home!).
The secondary part of this weirdness I'm feeling about the move is the fact that I feel like I can't tell any of my co-workers. I'm fortunate in my colleagues - all good, friendly people, a few of whom I've developd friendships with which have moved beyond the bounds of work. I don't want it to get out at work that I'm thinking of leaving my job, since the primary reason for my move is that I don't intend to be in North Carolina through the autumn.
Work has been a combination of stress and unhappiness since last spring really, when I got assigned to work on a specific study. It's gotten worse since November, when there was a first round of lay-offs. At the end of February, 30 people were laid off across the organization, three of them from my little 12 person division. One of the women laid off has been with our organization for 27 years and is almost 60 years old. What is she going to do? Start a new career?
I feel guilty that I still have a job.
I feel guilty that I'm thinking of leaving the job I have.
I feel guilty that I have the chutzpah to think that I can find something better.
I feel anxiety that I may be in the next round of lay-offs (ruined to begin tomorrow or next Thursday).
I feel anxiety that I'll bomb every job interview, if I even get any. I don't know when I became such a coward, but I have very little faith in myself. This is not fishing for compliments (and not just because no one is reading this), just a statement of my current state of mind.
I've felt completely un-creative lately. Haven't worked on any fics, stories, haven't even bothered with my real-life journal.
Still. It's not all doom and gloom. These guys are blooming outside my bedroom window.