Operation Whoopie Cushion
Pairing: kaisoo
Rating: R
Length: 2.2k
Warnings: [Spoiler (click to open)]gore, violence, disturbing content
Summary: Kyungsoo embraces the true spirit of April Fool's Day.
Jongin can't help himself. He giggles as he burns scrambled eggs in Kyungsoo's designer frying pan, and he looks over his shoulder at their kitchen table.
Two days ago, Jongin giggled his way to the dollar store, emerging eight minutes later with a whoopie cushion and a box of off-brand candy. And now that it's finally April Fool's Day, that same whoopie cushion is lying in wait on one of the kitchen table chairs. (The box of off-brand candy has been consumed since then. It tasted kind of like ass, and not even the good kind of ass like Kyungsoo's.)
Jongin stabs at his scrambled eggs with a plastic spoon-because he's pretty sure one of his dogs ate the spatula or something-to make sure all of the salmonella has been eradicated. He adds rice that's been sitting at the back of the fridge for a week to the pan, and he then drowns everything in ketchup.
After dividing the concoction into two separate bowls, Jongin places one bowl in front of the chair with the whoopie cushion and sits his own bowl at the other seat. He tries to muffle his giggles by spooning some of the breakfast into his mouth, except this kind of makes him gag.
As if right on cue, Kyungsoo shuffles into the kitchen, lured by the stench of burnt scrambled eggs mixed with shit. His hair sticks up in every which way, and he's wearing one of Jongin's t-shirts without pants.
"I see you made... breakfast?" Kyungsoo says.
For some reason, this makes Jongin think about the whoopie cushion and how hilarious it's going to be, and he bursts out laughing. But he kind of forgets that there's still some egg in his mouth, so it falls back into his windpipe, and Jongin's choking and laughing and coughing and choking and, holy fuck, he's going to die a happy man.
Luckily, Kyungsoo has the manpower to hit Jongin's back until ketchup-covered eggs fly out of Jongin's mouth in a beautiful arc and land on Kyungsoo's designer tablecloth.
"Oh... my... god....," Jongin says between gasps of air.
Kyungsoo rubs soothing circles on Jongin's back before he whacks him on the head.
"Chew your food, you asshole." Concern is written all over Kyungsoo's face.
Jongin offers him a sheepish smile and a small giggle. "My bad."
It looks like Kyungsoo's about to start lecturing him, but Jongin motions to the chair beside him.
"You should sit down and eat. I made breakfast today, so you should try it and tell me how it tastes," Jongin says in a totally-not-suspicious voice.
Sighing, Kyungsoo eyes the offending bowl of eggs, rice, and ketchup, yet he pulls the chair out from under the table anyway to sit down.
The whoopie cushion lets out a short fart from underneath Kyungsoo.
And Jongin erupts in laughter once again, clapping his hands with wild abandon, a habit he picked up from hanging out with Chanyeol too much. He heaves in and out, laughing so hard that no sound can be wrenched out of his lungs. He's shaking so much that his belly button hurts. Oh god, this is it. This is the true end of Kim Jongin.
Kyungsoo, on the other hand, doesn't understand why Jongin's halfway from rolling on the floor to out the door. He silently fishes out the deflated whoopie cushion from in between his buttcheeks and places it on the table. When Jongin's laughter dies down, Kyungsoo gives him this look that demands an explanation.
"April Fool's!" Jongin says.
"What the fuck, Jongin?"
Jongin looks at Kyungsoo as if he's the crazy one here. "It's April Fool's Day. I play tricks on you. You laugh. That's generally how it works."
"Um, why would I laugh?" Kyungsoo says. "Seriously, Jongin, farting sounds? I think you've been hanging out with Chanyeol too much."
This is true. Chanyeol is Jongin's bingo night buddy. They're the best in the neighborhood, sweeping the boards and beating all of the seniors. If they're feeling extra adventurous that week, they'll play a few rounds of euchre too.
"Chanyeol's a cool dude to hang out with," Jongin says, shrugging.
He shovels his breakfast into his mouth, not hearing Kyungsoo murmur, "April Fool's Day, huh?"
A year later, Jongin has his old whoopie cushion pulled out. He can't wait to use it again because this prank is so, so hilarious and never gets old. Just thinking about it makes him giggle.
After checking the other side of the bed, he sees that Kyungsoo is already up and out. Unless he's gone out to the market, he should be lingering somewhere around the house, so Jongin determines that he can still carry out Operation Whoopie Cushion. Yessss, this is going to be so funny.
Jongin brings the whoopie cushion to his lips, inflating it until it's perfectly ripe for farting. Trying and failing to stifle his giggles, he opens their bedroom door, stepping out into their living room and promptly slipping on the slick floor.
He lands on his bottom with a thud. Okay, Operation Whoopie Cushion is having a rough start, but it'll be okay. He'll be okay. After rubbing his sore ass, he retracts his hand, eyes widening and throat tightening when he sees it's covered in blood.
The floor-Jongin-he's sitting in a pool of blood. As in, you know, the stuff you bleed out. Blood. A pool of it.
Operation Whoopie Cushion abandoned, Jongin scrambles up onto his feet, the bottom half of his jeans stained red. His toes are sticky. The stench catches up with Jongin, and he wonders if it's possible to throw up food that he hasn't eaten. Oh god, this is blood. Real blood. Human blood.
That's right, blood comes from humans. This pool of blood on the floor has to have come from somebody. Oh god, could it be-
"Kyungsoo!" Jongin calls out as he runs towards the kitchen. "Kyungsoo, where are you? Kyungsoo!"
The kitchen is empty, except the flame on the stove has been left on. Kyungsoo wouldn't be that careless to waste their gas. He yells at Jongin for taking showers longer than 10 minutes, and he gets angry whenever Jongin leaves the lights turned on in a room he's not using.
With a trembling hand, Jongin makes a move to turn the stove off, and he notices a little index card placed on the countertop.
APRIL FOOL'S! YOUR BREAKFAST IS IN THE FRIDGE
If Jongin were a whoopie cushion, he would have released all of that pent-up air right now in a glorious, drawn-out fart. The tension in his shoulders eases, and he nearly lets out a cry of relief. That's right, it's April Fool's Day. That blood, it's just a joke. Actually, it looks pretty fake. Real blood isn't that red, and there's no way a human holds more than 5.5 liters of blood. That pool of "blood" is definitely more than 5.5 liters.
Ha, ha, Kyungsoo is so funny.
This means that Jongin is definitely expediting Operation Whoopie Cushion to extract his revenge. He's still a bit shaken, but he knows that eating will calm his nerves and make him feel better. Jongin wraps his fingers around the fridge handle and pries the door open in anticipation of Good Food. Kyungsoo's the Best Chef Ever, a title bestowed upon him when he first wooed Jongin with a fancy homemade dinner.
There's a bowl on the top shelf, which Jongin grabs. After convincing himself that everything's okay, that he's okay, by then he's worked up quite an appetite, and his taste buds are buzzing to eat Kyungsoo's cooking. He wonders what's for breakfast today. Maybe it's-
The bowl shatters on the floor. Jongin's stomach drops as he stares at the disembodied hand among the shards. It's clenched into a fist and-oh god, Jongin's throat is tightening up, which is a problem because he also wants to throw up. He slowly backs away from the fist, a stark contrast to the adrenaline firing at his adrenergic receptors, his fight-or-flight response telling him to get the fuck away as quickly as possible.
Because there's no way in fuck that the fist is fake. The taper of its fingers, the scraggly cuticles, the fresh layer of skin, it's all too life-like. Jongin's conscience screams at him, begs him to leave. But, wait, he can't leave yet. He needs to find Kyungsoo first.
Just the thought of Kyungsoo makes Jongin's muscles contract, and he finds himself pushing his way out of the kitchen. He's back in the living room, and he didn't notice it before, but when he looks up, he sees there are intestines tangled up in the ceiling fan. They dangle above his head, dripping with acidic juices.
In an effort to get away, he almost trips over the couch, and this is how he finds the other hand among the couch cushions, except this one is missing three fingernails.
This time, Jongin actually does throw up. There's nothing but bile in his stomach, and it comes out in ragged heaves, mixing with the blood on the floor. He's hunched over, shaking with fear, insides churning. Oh god, oh god, oh god. Jongin can't handle this. He can't do this. He can't do this alone.
Kyungsoo. He has to find Kyungsoo.
From the ceiling fan above, a drop of the intestine juice lands on his cheek, prompting Jongin to stumble towards the door leading to the hallway. His breath, his heartbeat, his fear are echoing off of the walls.
Jongin's toes are still sticky with blood.
Hands grasping for the closest doorknob, he yanks open the laundry room door, in hopes that Kyungsoo's in there doing the colors, plush lips laughing at him for falling for such a dumb April Fool's Day prank because, ha, ha, Kyungsoo is so funny.
The open door reveals nothing out of the ordinary. The washing machine door is cracked open, an unwashed load still inside. And there's a drying rack set up next to it, but it's bare.
And on the floor, Jongin sees it, an index card with Kyungsoo's neat handwriting. His stomach twists at the sight of it. Picking it up, Jongin reads the message with blurred vision.
ISN'T THIS FUNNY, JONGIN?
His mouth tastes like bile and his toes are sticky and Jongin is definitely not okay. The index card drops from his hands. When he feels something touch his shoulder, he jerks away, yelping.
It's Kyungsoo, looking so starkly Kyungsoo. As if he just rolled out of bed, his hair is sticking up every which way, and he's wearing one of Jongin's t-shirts without pants. The only difference is that he's holding a neatly wrapped present, like an eager child on Christmas morning.
"Kyungsoo?" Jongin gasps.
"You were right, Jongin," Kyungsoo says. "April Fool's Day is the best!"
Kyungsoo hands the present over to Jongin. He flinches when Kyungsoo pats him on the cheek.
Everything feels horribly wrong. There are intestines dangling from their ceiling fan, dismembered hands lying around, and Jongin just wants to get out of here. Everything is horribly, horribly wrong.
But there's something in the way that Kyungsoo looks at Jongin that tells him to play along, to open the present, to end the play.
So Jongin tears off the geometric wrapping paper to reveal a box. Okay, boxes aren't that scary. This isn't scary. Jongin isn't scared. When he opens the flaps, he sees Chanyeol's head looking back at him, but Chanyeol's not really looking since it's just his head, and his eyelids are sewn shut, along with his mouth.
Chanyeol...
Jongin bites back a sob. This is wrong. This isn't supposed to be happening. Jongin's supposed to be making burnt scrambled eggs with rice and ketchup. He's supposed to be playing whoopie cushion pranks and sweeping Kyungsoo off of his feet.
Kyungsoo starts laughing. He pries the box from Jongin's stiff fingers and laughs, looking at Chanyeol's sorry state and laughs harder. Jongin stares at him, heart wanting to climb up his throat. He makes to leave, but Kyungsoo tosses the box behind him, Chanyeol's head tumbling out, and grabs Jongin's wrist. He twists, forcing Jongin to kneel in submission.
This is when Jongin releases everything from his bladder, a humiliating wet stain spreading at his crotch, and Jongin becomes a truly and utterly pathetic creature.
"Why?" Jongin says, his voice croaking.
"It's April Fool's Day. I play tricks on you. You laugh. That's generally how it works."
Kyungsoo doesn't even try to bite back his laugh as he pulls out the fucking whoopie cushion from his back pocket and stuffs it into Jongin's mouth.
After pecking Jongin's trembling jawline, Kyungsoo leans even closer to whisper in his ear, "Chew your food, you asshole."
Alarmed, Jongin struggles, tries to flail his arms and get away as Kyungsoo shoves his entire fist into Jongin's mouth, jamming the whoopie cushion down his throat. Gagging, Jongin's head fills with water. He sees goldfish and starfish and Chanyeol swimming before his eyes. Tears blur his vision and spill over to coat his cheeks with seawater.
With Jongin drowning inside himself, Kyungsoo shoves the whoopie cushion even farther down his throat with little resistance.
The tide drags Jongin in, ripping him away from Kyungsoo and his stilted laughter.
A/N: I've been gone for half a year and I return with this orz;;;;;;