Original Stink: Or How I'm the Worst Human Ever Vol. DCLXVI
You know the type and you've seen it many different times, but let me set the stage for you: Think of the stereotypical complaining Jew. You've seen him as Mort Goldman (at least that's what I think it is off the top of my head, anyway) in Family Guy, as Kyle's cousin from New York, or as Jerry Lewis in... some movie I've only seen parodied.
These characters all have the whiny, nasally voice, glasses, and frequent health problems they like to complain about since every little thing seems to affect their sensitive systems.
So with that in mind, I want you to think of that particular guy as this one named David.
The other two are a homeless white guy named Paul and a well to do black guy named Michael.
This is written by their initials.
D & M are in a park next to a fountain when P staggers around and plops down heavily next to D, who is currently sitting down and cleaning his glasses. M is reading a book while sitting at the fountain a short distance away.
D. (holds his nose) Oy. You stink, mister.
P. (looks at D.) I'mma schmell lilacks.
M. (Is reading a book. Looks up, and shifts his back to the two.)
D. No really, you smell very bad. (sniffles) I think it's causing a great amount of phlegm to come out of my nose. Do you think you could stop smelling bad for a minute? Please?
P. (Swaying)I allway smelled li'this. Mebbe yous schtink.
D. You always smelled terrible? That's no way to go through life.
M. (From behind his book) Maybe it's his original stink.
D. Original stink? Is that like original sin? (Turns to P.) Sir, are you a Christian?
P. Whyddja shink I'm drunk?
D. Oh, oh God. Have you ever been baptized? I hear Christians baptize their kids to get rid of original sin. So, have you?
P. (Puzzled.) Dunno. What's whith theseth fountainsh? They've filt tchem wif wather.
D. I'm not really understanding what it is that you're saying, but I think you said no.
M. (Chuckles.)
D. Sir. If this original stink is like original sin, maybe we can baptize you in the fountain, and get rid of that god-awful smell.
M. Maybe he needs a long, hot bath.
D. Oh, God, you're right. And he does smell something terrible. Maybe we need to hold him down longer than normal. How long do they normally do it? 5 minutes? Maybe we should do 10. Are you ready, Mr. Drunken Smelly Guy?
P. (Puzzled by the water.) Huh?
D. (Grabs P's head, and shoves him face first into the water, holding him down.) Out you rotten smell, out!
P. (Thrashes about clumsily in the fountain.)
M. (Turns head to see the thrashing.) What in God's name are you doing? Are you trying to kill the poor bastard?
D. (Looks confused.) What? I'm not drowning him, I'm baptizing him!
M. (Quickly.) Why don't you ask him?
D. (Pulls P's head out of the fountain.) Sir, am I drowning you?
P. YETH!
D. Oh, oh, oh God, really? I didn't know baptism drowned people! And to think! This is what Jesus did to all those Jews back in the day! (Pauses, and looks horrified.) Oh, my GOD! Jesus was the original Hitler!
M. WHAT? (Walks over and punches D, who falls unconscious to the ground.) Shut your ignorant mouth! Your people killed Jesus! (Angrily walks away.)
P. Mebbe I do schmell be'er.
Voice Over: Jews: Killing Pre-Hitlers Since 33AD.
So, that's what went through my head at work today, and I had to write it down. To this moment, I still can't figure out if it's funny or offensive, but I think I nailed the dumb part. How far did this cross which line? Thoughts/opinions/burning crosses?
These characters all have the whiny, nasally voice, glasses, and frequent health problems they like to complain about since every little thing seems to affect their sensitive systems.
So with that in mind, I want you to think of that particular guy as this one named David.
The other two are a homeless white guy named Paul and a well to do black guy named Michael.
This is written by their initials.
D & M are in a park next to a fountain when P staggers around and plops down heavily next to D, who is currently sitting down and cleaning his glasses. M is reading a book while sitting at the fountain a short distance away.
D. (holds his nose) Oy. You stink, mister.
P. (looks at D.) I'mma schmell lilacks.
M. (Is reading a book. Looks up, and shifts his back to the two.)
D. No really, you smell very bad. (sniffles) I think it's causing a great amount of phlegm to come out of my nose. Do you think you could stop smelling bad for a minute? Please?
P. (Swaying)I allway smelled li'this. Mebbe yous schtink.
D. You always smelled terrible? That's no way to go through life.
M. (From behind his book) Maybe it's his original stink.
D. Original stink? Is that like original sin? (Turns to P.) Sir, are you a Christian?
P. Whyddja shink I'm drunk?
D. Oh, oh God. Have you ever been baptized? I hear Christians baptize their kids to get rid of original sin. So, have you?
P. (Puzzled.) Dunno. What's whith theseth fountainsh? They've filt tchem wif wather.
D. I'm not really understanding what it is that you're saying, but I think you said no.
M. (Chuckles.)
D. Sir. If this original stink is like original sin, maybe we can baptize you in the fountain, and get rid of that god-awful smell.
M. Maybe he needs a long, hot bath.
D. Oh, God, you're right. And he does smell something terrible. Maybe we need to hold him down longer than normal. How long do they normally do it? 5 minutes? Maybe we should do 10. Are you ready, Mr. Drunken Smelly Guy?
P. (Puzzled by the water.) Huh?
D. (Grabs P's head, and shoves him face first into the water, holding him down.) Out you rotten smell, out!
P. (Thrashes about clumsily in the fountain.)
M. (Turns head to see the thrashing.) What in God's name are you doing? Are you trying to kill the poor bastard?
D. (Looks confused.) What? I'm not drowning him, I'm baptizing him!
M. (Quickly.) Why don't you ask him?
D. (Pulls P's head out of the fountain.) Sir, am I drowning you?
P. YETH!
D. Oh, oh, oh God, really? I didn't know baptism drowned people! And to think! This is what Jesus did to all those Jews back in the day! (Pauses, and looks horrified.) Oh, my GOD! Jesus was the original Hitler!
M. WHAT? (Walks over and punches D, who falls unconscious to the ground.) Shut your ignorant mouth! Your people killed Jesus! (Angrily walks away.)
P. Mebbe I do schmell be'er.
Voice Over: Jews: Killing Pre-Hitlers Since 33AD.
So, that's what went through my head at work today, and I had to write it down. To this moment, I still can't figure out if it's funny or offensive, but I think I nailed the dumb part. How far did this cross which line? Thoughts/opinions/burning crosses?