Mission #8, part two
"I don't think Bree works that way," Crispin said, as the Sue moaned about her angsty past to a sympathetic Aragorn and Legolas. "I'm sure Bree doesn't work that way."
"Between this and Elrond seducing the Sue's grandmother, I'm surprised they didn't send this to the Division of Bad Het," said Rouge.
"In my village, if a single man and his friends find you alone, he can 'claim' you."
"Claim?"
"By spreading my legs and taking me by force," Her mind flashes to that hot summer afternoon, when berry picking for her mother, she had been the one claimed despite her pleas for him to stop,
"Glod, the poor commas." Rouge checked the canons.
[Aragorn/Elessar/Estel/Etc. Dunadan Male. Canon. OOC: 57%]
[Legolas Thranduilion. Elf Male. Canon. OOC: 100.^$#&*% WARNING! CHARACTER RUPTURE! MR. JELLY IS COMING! DO YOU WISH TO RESTART YOUR PUDDING?]
"No, I do not wish to restart my pudding," said Rouge as he turned off the smoking CAD. "Thank you for asking."
The Sue was still unloading the exposition.
"Ma was 38 or so I think, but you'd swear she was 20 or something. All the other women in our village were green with envy because she didn't need to dye her hair or anything. Ma said it was 'cause of her Elven blood.
"One, that's not how half-elves work," Crispin muttered. "And two, I don't think most middle-aged women in small medieval villages dyed their hair."
"Add Temporal Offenses to our list of departments to which this could have been sent."
They portalled past the rest of the exposition, and arrived just in time to catch Legolas being a Peeping Tom. Rouge tightened his grip on his knives and frowned menacingly. "Legolas is not Jiraiya," he growled. "Legolas does not spy on naked women. Ever."
Her nipples tightened when exposed to the colder air. He longed to suckle at them like a child; no Elven maiden had such soft, abundant breasts. And he should know, having bedded many of them.
"He WHAT?" both agents shouted in unison. Rouge pulled Crispin behind a tree to avoid the characters' notice. "That's just wrong," Crispin whimpered.
"I really don't think this should have been rated T," said Rouge. "He goes on to describe pretty much every part of her anatomy." He removed several books of canon, a large bell, some chalk, and a novelty candle shaped like a toad from his bag. "Legolas is going to go off 'hunting' with Aragorn. You stay with the Sue."
Crispin had no objections. If the slash was half as bad as the het, he didn't want to be anywhere near it. "Have fun."
***
Rouge was glad that Michel wasn't there. Having come to the PPC from nineteenth century Paris, Michel was still getting used to the idea of girls in trousers. Their first (and, so far, only) mission together had been distressing because it had involved Michel's canonical father, but it hadn't been too graphic for Agent Javert's old-fashioned sensibilities. The scene before Rouge now, on the other hand, would have been too much for Michel.
"Why did I have to transfer?" Rouge asked himself. "Why couldn't I just stay in DTE?"
Because of Hamelt, said a small, annoying voice in his head. Because he couldn't have handled walking down the same corridor where That Incident had happened. Everything in the Department of Technical Errors reminded Rouge of his unfortunate partner. He needed to get away from it.
"But did I have to get away into Bad Slash?"
"And I wouldn't worry about Arwen either. She understands about things like this, and she knows it has no effect on your feelings for her." Legolas continued whimsically, as Aragorn blanched.
"She never said! You bloody Elf! When did you tell her?"
"When we returned to Rivendell that time. She thanked me for looking after you, and teaching you so well."
"THAT DOES IT."
Rouge jumped out of the tree in which he was hiding and landed on Aragorn. He began beating the Dunadan soundly over the head with The Fellowship of the Ring. "Avaunt, Uncanonical Open Marriage! Aroint Thee, Bad Characterization! Begone, Bad Slash! The power of TOLKIEN compels thee!"
A wispy author wraith floated out, whining, "But they're so hot..." before dissipating. Rouge turned to Legolas and repeated the process, punctuating his shouts with rings of the large bell.
"Avaunt, Perviness! Begone, More Perviness! The power of TOLKIEN compels thee!"
***
"Brianna of no surname, you are charged with using the word 'Elfish,' poor capitalization, poor sentence structure, altering the parentage of Elrond Peredhil--note the Peredhil part--being a quarter-elf, altering the social structure and sexual practices of Bree and Mirkwood, comma abuse, causing severe OOCness in the character of King Elessar, causing a rupture in the character of Legolas Thranduilion, altering the physical characteristics of half-elves, being the granddaughter of Elrond Peredhil, mentioning anachronistic materials--namely, hair dye--turning Legolas Thranduilion into a pervert, and being a Mary-Sue. For these crimes you are sentenced to die. Good-bye."
As the last few bits of the Sue were consumed by the fire, Rouge came up behind Crispin. "No problems with the assassination?"
"Nope." The Sue, who spent the entire fic crying and moaning, did not put up much of a fight. "Can we go back now?"
***
There was more shouting than usual in Medical. Three nurses were holding onto the arms of a furious Maria, and four more restrained an equally furious Michel. Maria was singing the Canadian national anthem (in French) at the top of her lungs, while Javert shouted a string of what Crispin assumed were insults (also in French). Two more nurses attempted to confiscate the agents’ respective weapons.
“That can’t be good for their concussions,” Rouge commented.
"Je vais vous tuer!" Maria screeched at Michel. "Je vais vous TUER!"
The nurse from earlier came up to Rouge and Crispin. "You can take your partners back to your Response Centres now," she said.
"But didn't you say they had to stay here?" asked Crispin.
"Now," the nurse repeated.
Crispin took the hint. "Okay. Come on, Maria. Let's go." He tried to take his partner by the shoulders and lead her out, but she was not cooperating.
"I don't want to go. I want to kill him."
"You can kill him later." Or not, he added silently. "The Minis have been alone for hours. Um, nice to meet you, Rouge."
Maria continued to protest all the way back to their RC. "I wanted to kill him. No one insults Canada in front of me and gets away with it!"
"He insulted Canada?"
Any further explanation or complaint was preempted by all four of the pair's Minis rushing them the moment the door was opened. All of them went for Maria, except for Benjamain, who immediately lunged at Crispin's carotid artery. Crispin was screaming so loudly that they barely heard the dreaded sound of the console.
[BEEEEEEEEP!]
Notes:
All songs mentioned are from the musical Les Misérables, either the English version (“Stars”), the 1980 French studio version (“A la Volonté du Peuple”; “Noir ou Blanc”), or the 1991 Paris Revival version (“Sous Les Étoiles”). French songs are by Alain Boubil and Claude-Michel Schönberg. English songs were translated and adapted by Herbert Kretzmer. Les Misérables the novel was written by Victor Hugo.
A very rough translation of the French lyrics:
“By the will of the people
For the wellbeing of progress
Fill your heart with rebel wine
And tomorrow, faithful friend
We will bring light…”
“Black, darker than night,
Is this man who flees
Beneath the stars.
Beneath the stars…”
(While I don’t share Agent Javert’s hatred of the English musical, we are in agreement that the songs sound better in French.)
Doctor Who and all related topics belong to the BBC.
Jiraiya is from Naruto, which belongs to Masashi Kishimoto.
The Canadian national anthem belongs to…um, Canada, I guess.
A brief note on Maria’s linguistic background, for anyone who’s confused: Maria grew up in New Hampshire, USA. Her mother’s family lives in French-speaking Quebec, which is just north of New Hampshire, and Maria learned French as a child to speak to her maternal grandparents. Québécois French is very different from Parisian, which is what Michel speaks. Maria also took French in school, so her grammar is more standard, but she has a noticeable Québécois accent.
If anyone cares, Maria is screaming "I am going to KILL you!"