Life continues on
Just a short rumination. I am coming more and more to realize that my career path, with its varied experiences, while fun for me and in many ways educational, is not what folks are looking for in a university professor candidate. If I had focused early, networked, and put my nose to the grindstone to get a line of research going and stuck with it, I'd be a lot further ahead than I am now. I'm starting to wonder if I'm not damaged goods... and so the dream I had for a long time of that elusive professorship is evaporating fast.
Which may be just as well. I've been finding aspects of my job more and more tiring, and I know that professors have 10X more work to do in the same amount of time, so it's stressful. I don't handle stress well. My job currently is not very stressful, and when it is I can take time to rest and recover from it, so perhaps it's just as well that I've hit a ceiling with my profession. It's a pity the ceiling is at a level that only pays my basic bills and my bills in the US, and not extra to travel or buy new clothes, but Seth is starting to earn income and as his business takes form I'm sure he will generate more income. We will be OK financially.
No, I think what bothers me is that I set myself a goal that seemed so attainable when I was younger, and I'm not sure where exactly I went wrong, but I don't seem able to achieve it now. Failure bothers me. I don't like failing. I take it extraordinarily badly, which is stupid, perhaps, but I suppose a better way to look at this is that a lot of other people also fail- I'm not stupid, I'm just not as good as the top 5%, or 1%, or whatever percent it is that is getting the good jobs while folks like me are stuck in postdocs.
I spoke to my friend Paula on the phone about career changes, and it's true that many people make career shifts- the days when a person got a job right out of school and could keep it for 40 years are pretty much over. I will probably transition into something that doesn't require that I move every 2-3 years, as soon as Seth can take over our basic expenses (and this is probably going to be in about 3 years or so, when my bills are paid off and our expenses are less). The odds of me finding a lucrative career in science are slim- my well-meaning friends tell me to try working in industry, but my expertise is stuff that industry generally can't use. People with the training and experience they want will be the ones they look for first, and there's no shortage these days of eager people with expertise. I'm keeping an eye out, but I also have to have alternate plans.
I'm starting to accept that I may have to leave science behind, at least the bench part of it, and participate only peripherally as a copy editor for academic articles that have to be written in English (there's a lot of demand for this); my only concern is, can Seth make enough money to support us when that transition happens? I don't have a lot of faith in my own ability to drum up constant work. If I'm not on a salary, I keep thinking I have to face the fact that my income one month could be zero. So we have to be able to rely on Seth to make enough money to support us, or we have to have a big enough financial cushion that times of scarcity won't matter. That's the kind of situation I'm hoping will happen in three years, so I can plan on weaning myself away from science and try something less stressful and more fun.
That's all for now... carry on...
Which may be just as well. I've been finding aspects of my job more and more tiring, and I know that professors have 10X more work to do in the same amount of time, so it's stressful. I don't handle stress well. My job currently is not very stressful, and when it is I can take time to rest and recover from it, so perhaps it's just as well that I've hit a ceiling with my profession. It's a pity the ceiling is at a level that only pays my basic bills and my bills in the US, and not extra to travel or buy new clothes, but Seth is starting to earn income and as his business takes form I'm sure he will generate more income. We will be OK financially.
No, I think what bothers me is that I set myself a goal that seemed so attainable when I was younger, and I'm not sure where exactly I went wrong, but I don't seem able to achieve it now. Failure bothers me. I don't like failing. I take it extraordinarily badly, which is stupid, perhaps, but I suppose a better way to look at this is that a lot of other people also fail- I'm not stupid, I'm just not as good as the top 5%, or 1%, or whatever percent it is that is getting the good jobs while folks like me are stuck in postdocs.
I spoke to my friend Paula on the phone about career changes, and it's true that many people make career shifts- the days when a person got a job right out of school and could keep it for 40 years are pretty much over. I will probably transition into something that doesn't require that I move every 2-3 years, as soon as Seth can take over our basic expenses (and this is probably going to be in about 3 years or so, when my bills are paid off and our expenses are less). The odds of me finding a lucrative career in science are slim- my well-meaning friends tell me to try working in industry, but my expertise is stuff that industry generally can't use. People with the training and experience they want will be the ones they look for first, and there's no shortage these days of eager people with expertise. I'm keeping an eye out, but I also have to have alternate plans.
I'm starting to accept that I may have to leave science behind, at least the bench part of it, and participate only peripherally as a copy editor for academic articles that have to be written in English (there's a lot of demand for this); my only concern is, can Seth make enough money to support us when that transition happens? I don't have a lot of faith in my own ability to drum up constant work. If I'm not on a salary, I keep thinking I have to face the fact that my income one month could be zero. So we have to be able to rely on Seth to make enough money to support us, or we have to have a big enough financial cushion that times of scarcity won't matter. That's the kind of situation I'm hoping will happen in three years, so I can plan on weaning myself away from science and try something less stressful and more fun.
That's all for now... carry on...