muse_shuffle | January Disc One
Track 04. I don’t know why sometimes I get frightened,
You can see my eyes, can tell that I'm not lying
[‘I Got You’ - Split Enz]
Co-written with agentsullivan
[Follows THIS and THIS]
Ali’s hands were shaking as she poured a generous shot of vodka into the bottom of a coffee mug and downed it in one mouthful. That was all she was going to have but if she didn’t have something, she was going to end up stroking… or smacking James in the other side of his face. She set the bottle and the mug back down heavily on the coffee table and put both hands over her mouth to finally look back at James sitting across from her. She went to say something but there was so much she could say that when she tried, she hit a brick wall.
“Y-You look good,” Marc said weakly and glanced around the apartment with a small shiver. “You haven’t changed anything.”
“I was busy pushing a six bound ball of flesh out of my vagina. I didn’t have time to look at paint samples.” Ali’s voice was hoarse and scratchy from all the crying. She couldn’t stop shaking and she felt sick and tired. One tiny gleam of light in this was Jamie had slept through it so far and she wasn’t screaming. She just wanted to be back with Andrew on New Years night, curled up in bed together despite the food poisoning. Right now, she was trying to use everything in her power to process all James had just explained to her, but all it was doing was churning around in her head and not sticking in any particular place. “You did all of this to join the Secret Service? You sent us all to hell and back thinking you had been murdered in Australia for a shiny new job? It was all planned. You faked your own death…” Her eyes welled up again and she wet her lips, shaking her head slowly. “Fuck you, James. You took too much from me already. What do you want coming back to me? My heart on a fucking morgue slab? Sorry, but that belongs to someone else now. You’re gone,” she bit out.
Marc closed his eyes briefly. “The SS faked my death. There was no other way this would work. I need to be someone else to carry off this investigation with no links to James Campbell,” he tried to explain.
“Drugs,” Ali said flatly. “I never picked you to want to go into DEA.”
“It’s got nothing to do with want, Ali. Ever since-” Marc stopped and sighed. “You don’t need me to elaborate on why I’ve done this. You know. Deep down, you do.”
Ali met his eyes again. “Revenge doesn’t suit you and neither do those fucking clothes. Marcus David Fraser. Marc.” She gave a small snort. “A joke?”
“I didn’t pick the name. I had some say, but I didn’t pick it at the end of the day.” Marc put his hand up to slowly scratch the back of his head. “I don’t know what is supposed to happen now. I was going crazy. The loneliness was eating me alive and since I saw you at the hospital on Christmas Day, I just couldn’t get over it. I’ve broken about every sworn rule here and I don’t know what to do.” He put his head in his hands, wishing he didn’t need to think about it all.
Ali frowned. “The hospital? You saw me at the hospital? Where was I?”
“The foyer. You wouldn’t have seen me unless you were looking for me like this. I’ve learnt how easy it is to blend in when people aren’t looking for you or stick out when they are,” Marc murmured. “Why were you there? Was the baby sick?” He paused and shook his head. “Fuck, I can’t even believe you’ve had the baby. I thought you weren’t due until the end of December. I about shit myself when I saw you with the pram. Are you okay? Is she- what’s she like?”
Ali’s eyes fluttered closed and she let out a slow, bracing breath. They were really doing this. James wasn’t dead; he was alive and he was sitting here talking to her, albeit from behind that fucking mask of a disguise. “She wasn’t sick. She’s got fucking Campbell blood running through her veins. She does what she wants when she wants. She wanted to come early. Four weeks early, on November thirtieth.”
Marc’s forehead creased as he tried to fight off more emotions. “What did you name her?” he asked in just barely more than a whisper, eyes intent on Ali.
“Jamie Isabel,” Ali told him with a faint smile that didn’t linger. “Sullivan.”
Marc couldn’t help but break into a smile. “My god…” He rubbed his fingers over his mouth. “So, she’s healthy? She not sick? Everything is in the right place?”
“She wasn’t born with a large L on her forehead like her father and uncle,” Ali said bitterly. “And she’s not an arsehole, despite her blood. She’s perfect. She’s my whole world. The one thing I’ve done right in my life. I would have shot you to protect her. If you gave me even a hint of anything dangerous on you, I would have killed you.”
Marc nodded, understanding. “I’m glad,” he said quietly. “You know I would as sooner kill myself than hurt you or her, though.”
Ali swallowed. “I should fucking hope so, wanker. You broke my fucking heart when I heard about your death. It ruined my world. I lost you, Izzy and Mark all in a matter of days when just a few weeks later Jamie arrived and I was left here alone to do this myself when you fucking promised me, James! You goddamn promised me I wouldn’t do this alone!” She choked up again and more tears were shed.
“I-I didn’t… I thought they would… I expected them to take care of you both, Ali. I didn’t think they would run away…” Marc shook his head. “I’m sorry. I know it means nothing, but I tried to do everything to make sure you would have everything you needed. That’s why I left all this to you.”
Ali held up her hand. “Save it,” she said hoarsely. “Another time. I can’t do this now. I’m just… too tired.”
Marc put his hand over his mouth and nodded. “Are you going to tell me why you were at the hospital on Christmas Day?” he asked, trying for a subject change. He wasn’t ready to say goodbye to her yet.
Ali stared at the coffee table in front of her which was sprinkled with baby paraphernalia. A tiny unused newborn diaper, a pacifier, a stuffed pink bunny, a bib from the last feeding. She looked up and met James’ eyes again. “My boyfriend was a patient. He ruptured his appendix a few days before Christmas,” she told him, waiting for an inevitable reaction to the news.
“Boyfriend…” Marc murmured.
“Yeah,” Ali confirmed, searching James’ eyes. “Don’t think you can hide that disbelief in your eyes. I know you, under the thick layers of disguise. You can’t escape that. You can’t hide your feelings. History doesn’t repeat, James. I was never going to be in a relationship with Mark again, having his baby or not. He hurt me far too much and that wasn’t never really going to mend. I’m happy now. Happier than I have been in a very long time. Andrew is an amazing guy and he’s helped me through the good, bad and the ugly.”
Marc played with the crest ring on his pinkie finger. “So, it’s serious? I think I passed him out in the hall on my way here. He’s a paramedic.”
Ali nodded. “He is. And yes, it’s getting serious. I love him, James. Just know I’m telling you this because you’re still my best friend, not because I owe you anything. You’re opinion on my life now is not going to be of importance to me and I’m not going to apologise for that.”
“Are you sure he makes you happy?” Marc pleaded. He sat forward and reached for her hand. “Promise me that he does.”
Ali looked down at their hands and almost pulled away, but that little tug in her heart told her not to. “I swear on my own life. In fact, I think he’s fast making me happier than I have ever been in my whole life. He respects me and there are no rules with him. No competition. He doesn’t want to own me and doesn’t want to force me into anything I’m not ready for. He has this natural ability to care for people and is kind and gentle. He’s amazing and I’m very much in love with him.”
Marc exhaled slowly. “And what about the baby? He’s alright with that?”
“With her,” Ali corrected, shooting him a glare. “She’s my daughter, not a fucking object.” She sat forward and started to pile up the baby things neatly to give her something to do with her hands. “He’s been in her life since literally the get go and if things continue with us how they have been, he’s going to take the reigns as her dad. He loves her like his own and that’s all that matters to me.”
“What about-” Marc started but was inevitably cut off.
“I don’t see any fathers in the room, do you?” Ali snapped. She held her hand up. “Don’t fucking start on that. I’m not discussing it with you. I know he was grieving. We all were. But if he wanted to be her father and be in her life, he would be here doing just that. She would be his world. He wouldn’t be just sending me cheques to quell his own guilt and he wouldn’t be acknowledging photos of her just by letting me know he’d give them to your parents. He missed the boat, James. The Good Ship Daddy doesn’t sail twice in this port.” Almost as if on cue, baby sobs rang through the monitor and Ali swore softly under her breath. She rubbed her hands over her face with a shaky exhalation. “If you want to meet her, now is the time.”
Marc watched her sadly, only realising now just how much his choices had ruined everyone’s life. It was his fault Mark had left and wasn’t having anything to do with his kid. He thought his brother would have stepped up to the plate, but it hadn’t happened. He shook his head and looked down at his feet. “No. It’s only going to hurt more when I leave if I see her,” he mumbled. “I should go.”
For the first time since he got here, Ali’s anger slipped away and she stood to go and sit beside him on the sofa. “I don’t want you to go,” she told him softly. “Am I going to see you again? Is there any way I… you… can’t I be friends with Marcus Fraser?”
Marc turned and hugged her tightly, kissing her cheek and letting it linger. “Fucking hell,” he whispered shakily, clinging to her. “I don’t know what to do, Ali. I don’t know what call to make.”
Ali pulled out of the hug and took his hands, squeezing them. “I have to see to Sunshine. It breaks my heart to leave her crying too long. I’m always here, James. I’m not going anywhere. I just come as a package now. The ball’s in your court.” She kissed his forehead and stood up. “I love you.”
Marc bit down on his lip as he watched her disappear up the hall in the direction of the crying. Something deep inside his gut was aching now like it would never let up. “I love you, too, Al,” he whispered.
Word Count | 1,959
You can see my eyes, can tell that I'm not lying
[‘I Got You’ - Split Enz]
Co-written with agentsullivan
[Follows THIS and THIS]
Ali’s hands were shaking as she poured a generous shot of vodka into the bottom of a coffee mug and downed it in one mouthful. That was all she was going to have but if she didn’t have something, she was going to end up stroking… or smacking James in the other side of his face. She set the bottle and the mug back down heavily on the coffee table and put both hands over her mouth to finally look back at James sitting across from her. She went to say something but there was so much she could say that when she tried, she hit a brick wall.
“Y-You look good,” Marc said weakly and glanced around the apartment with a small shiver. “You haven’t changed anything.”
“I was busy pushing a six bound ball of flesh out of my vagina. I didn’t have time to look at paint samples.” Ali’s voice was hoarse and scratchy from all the crying. She couldn’t stop shaking and she felt sick and tired. One tiny gleam of light in this was Jamie had slept through it so far and she wasn’t screaming. She just wanted to be back with Andrew on New Years night, curled up in bed together despite the food poisoning. Right now, she was trying to use everything in her power to process all James had just explained to her, but all it was doing was churning around in her head and not sticking in any particular place. “You did all of this to join the Secret Service? You sent us all to hell and back thinking you had been murdered in Australia for a shiny new job? It was all planned. You faked your own death…” Her eyes welled up again and she wet her lips, shaking her head slowly. “Fuck you, James. You took too much from me already. What do you want coming back to me? My heart on a fucking morgue slab? Sorry, but that belongs to someone else now. You’re gone,” she bit out.
Marc closed his eyes briefly. “The SS faked my death. There was no other way this would work. I need to be someone else to carry off this investigation with no links to James Campbell,” he tried to explain.
“Drugs,” Ali said flatly. “I never picked you to want to go into DEA.”
“It’s got nothing to do with want, Ali. Ever since-” Marc stopped and sighed. “You don’t need me to elaborate on why I’ve done this. You know. Deep down, you do.”
Ali met his eyes again. “Revenge doesn’t suit you and neither do those fucking clothes. Marcus David Fraser. Marc.” She gave a small snort. “A joke?”
“I didn’t pick the name. I had some say, but I didn’t pick it at the end of the day.” Marc put his hand up to slowly scratch the back of his head. “I don’t know what is supposed to happen now. I was going crazy. The loneliness was eating me alive and since I saw you at the hospital on Christmas Day, I just couldn’t get over it. I’ve broken about every sworn rule here and I don’t know what to do.” He put his head in his hands, wishing he didn’t need to think about it all.
Ali frowned. “The hospital? You saw me at the hospital? Where was I?”
“The foyer. You wouldn’t have seen me unless you were looking for me like this. I’ve learnt how easy it is to blend in when people aren’t looking for you or stick out when they are,” Marc murmured. “Why were you there? Was the baby sick?” He paused and shook his head. “Fuck, I can’t even believe you’ve had the baby. I thought you weren’t due until the end of December. I about shit myself when I saw you with the pram. Are you okay? Is she- what’s she like?”
Ali’s eyes fluttered closed and she let out a slow, bracing breath. They were really doing this. James wasn’t dead; he was alive and he was sitting here talking to her, albeit from behind that fucking mask of a disguise. “She wasn’t sick. She’s got fucking Campbell blood running through her veins. She does what she wants when she wants. She wanted to come early. Four weeks early, on November thirtieth.”
Marc’s forehead creased as he tried to fight off more emotions. “What did you name her?” he asked in just barely more than a whisper, eyes intent on Ali.
“Jamie Isabel,” Ali told him with a faint smile that didn’t linger. “Sullivan.”
Marc couldn’t help but break into a smile. “My god…” He rubbed his fingers over his mouth. “So, she’s healthy? She not sick? Everything is in the right place?”
“She wasn’t born with a large L on her forehead like her father and uncle,” Ali said bitterly. “And she’s not an arsehole, despite her blood. She’s perfect. She’s my whole world. The one thing I’ve done right in my life. I would have shot you to protect her. If you gave me even a hint of anything dangerous on you, I would have killed you.”
Marc nodded, understanding. “I’m glad,” he said quietly. “You know I would as sooner kill myself than hurt you or her, though.”
Ali swallowed. “I should fucking hope so, wanker. You broke my fucking heart when I heard about your death. It ruined my world. I lost you, Izzy and Mark all in a matter of days when just a few weeks later Jamie arrived and I was left here alone to do this myself when you fucking promised me, James! You goddamn promised me I wouldn’t do this alone!” She choked up again and more tears were shed.
“I-I didn’t… I thought they would… I expected them to take care of you both, Ali. I didn’t think they would run away…” Marc shook his head. “I’m sorry. I know it means nothing, but I tried to do everything to make sure you would have everything you needed. That’s why I left all this to you.”
Ali held up her hand. “Save it,” she said hoarsely. “Another time. I can’t do this now. I’m just… too tired.”
Marc put his hand over his mouth and nodded. “Are you going to tell me why you were at the hospital on Christmas Day?” he asked, trying for a subject change. He wasn’t ready to say goodbye to her yet.
Ali stared at the coffee table in front of her which was sprinkled with baby paraphernalia. A tiny unused newborn diaper, a pacifier, a stuffed pink bunny, a bib from the last feeding. She looked up and met James’ eyes again. “My boyfriend was a patient. He ruptured his appendix a few days before Christmas,” she told him, waiting for an inevitable reaction to the news.
“Boyfriend…” Marc murmured.
“Yeah,” Ali confirmed, searching James’ eyes. “Don’t think you can hide that disbelief in your eyes. I know you, under the thick layers of disguise. You can’t escape that. You can’t hide your feelings. History doesn’t repeat, James. I was never going to be in a relationship with Mark again, having his baby or not. He hurt me far too much and that wasn’t never really going to mend. I’m happy now. Happier than I have been in a very long time. Andrew is an amazing guy and he’s helped me through the good, bad and the ugly.”
Marc played with the crest ring on his pinkie finger. “So, it’s serious? I think I passed him out in the hall on my way here. He’s a paramedic.”
Ali nodded. “He is. And yes, it’s getting serious. I love him, James. Just know I’m telling you this because you’re still my best friend, not because I owe you anything. You’re opinion on my life now is not going to be of importance to me and I’m not going to apologise for that.”
“Are you sure he makes you happy?” Marc pleaded. He sat forward and reached for her hand. “Promise me that he does.”
Ali looked down at their hands and almost pulled away, but that little tug in her heart told her not to. “I swear on my own life. In fact, I think he’s fast making me happier than I have ever been in my whole life. He respects me and there are no rules with him. No competition. He doesn’t want to own me and doesn’t want to force me into anything I’m not ready for. He has this natural ability to care for people and is kind and gentle. He’s amazing and I’m very much in love with him.”
Marc exhaled slowly. “And what about the baby? He’s alright with that?”
“With her,” Ali corrected, shooting him a glare. “She’s my daughter, not a fucking object.” She sat forward and started to pile up the baby things neatly to give her something to do with her hands. “He’s been in her life since literally the get go and if things continue with us how they have been, he’s going to take the reigns as her dad. He loves her like his own and that’s all that matters to me.”
“What about-” Marc started but was inevitably cut off.
“I don’t see any fathers in the room, do you?” Ali snapped. She held her hand up. “Don’t fucking start on that. I’m not discussing it with you. I know he was grieving. We all were. But if he wanted to be her father and be in her life, he would be here doing just that. She would be his world. He wouldn’t be just sending me cheques to quell his own guilt and he wouldn’t be acknowledging photos of her just by letting me know he’d give them to your parents. He missed the boat, James. The Good Ship Daddy doesn’t sail twice in this port.” Almost as if on cue, baby sobs rang through the monitor and Ali swore softly under her breath. She rubbed her hands over her face with a shaky exhalation. “If you want to meet her, now is the time.”
Marc watched her sadly, only realising now just how much his choices had ruined everyone’s life. It was his fault Mark had left and wasn’t having anything to do with his kid. He thought his brother would have stepped up to the plate, but it hadn’t happened. He shook his head and looked down at his feet. “No. It’s only going to hurt more when I leave if I see her,” he mumbled. “I should go.”
For the first time since he got here, Ali’s anger slipped away and she stood to go and sit beside him on the sofa. “I don’t want you to go,” she told him softly. “Am I going to see you again? Is there any way I… you… can’t I be friends with Marcus Fraser?”
Marc turned and hugged her tightly, kissing her cheek and letting it linger. “Fucking hell,” he whispered shakily, clinging to her. “I don’t know what to do, Ali. I don’t know what call to make.”
Ali pulled out of the hug and took his hands, squeezing them. “I have to see to Sunshine. It breaks my heart to leave her crying too long. I’m always here, James. I’m not going anywhere. I just come as a package now. The ball’s in your court.” She kissed his forehead and stood up. “I love you.”
Marc bit down on his lip as he watched her disappear up the hall in the direction of the crying. Something deep inside his gut was aching now like it would never let up. “I love you, too, Al,” he whispered.
Word Count | 1,959