Sartre made me hate my life.

[ageofscience]

My comparative politics professor used to say that if you can't say something in two sentences it isn't worth saying. At the time I was all, "who are you to deny me nuance, asshole!", but increasingly I am coming to believe that the world would be a better place if we were all more adept at saying as much in fewer words. Despite two semesters of

Comments

[afternoonnaps]

i completely understand where you are coming from, although i'm affected by different subjects.

lately i definitely feel like i need step away from what i'm studying for a little while. it gets me down and makes me far too cynical. i've been trying to find an outlet to do something small-scale and positive to offset things a little bit.

i'm trying out volunteering in the community, i'll let you know if it helps!

[ageofscience]

Totally. I think I'm just at a point where I feel like my academic interests have become the entirety of my identity and I'm finding it a little suffocating. Even if there is nothing I would rather do than devote my life to pursuing those interests, I guess I just worry that by being SO married to it SO young that I'm missing out? Maybe?

I've had mixed experiences with doing "hands-on" stuff. More often than not I just end up feeling like, "oh, shit- this can't fix the world either" and then I feel even more hopeless :( Of course, I've also had a couple fantastic experiences, mostly with organizations where I get to work with people on a very direct and individual basis. So I hope that doesn't sound discouraging, because I think if you can find the Right Fit, it IS among the most re-energizing and positive things to do!

[hazlewood]

depersonalization sounds scary, pam. take care of yourself. i recommend summertime cerebral things: sweaty bike rides, jumps into cold water, earthy, fresh food. (although, those sound like frivolous suggestions for a serious problem, argh).

and off-topic: when are you moving to toronto? i definitely have furniture i could pass on to you if you're interested.

[ageofscience]

Frivolous suggestions are often exactly and all I need to combat more serious problems, though. And I think you are probably exactly right!

I am totally interested in passed along furniture, because right now I have absolutely nothing. I (frustratingly!) don't know my moving day yet. I'm waiting for my future superintendant to get back from vacation so I can harass her to harass the tenants so that then I can know :)

[radio_supply]

I had to take a break from so-called "feminism" when I realized that "feminism" is a horribly sexist word for the broadening movement that it's becoming.

As far as postmodernism goes, I think I'm just trashy/trashed to appreciate it. Academia is depersonalizing as it almost removes all significance from autonomy and sentience, placing too much emphasis on what's upstairs rather than what propels it. You know when you're studying and you get into something chewy and disgustingly difficult to untangle and you forget to eat for 2 days because your mind is cleaved to the material and your body is just the meat being dragged behind? Yeah, that's what I mean.

I've been enjoying this summer. I'm a shoe salesgirl with a French manicure and a Mormon coworker who reads Cosmo on her breaks from work, wears heels ALL the time and hasn't had a Butlerian moment since April. I really needed this.
---
Chelle

[ageofscience]

I admittedly actually don't have qualms with feminism as a term in that way. I do have a problem with gender divides and sexism within the movement, but it's more on the level of being annoyed that even among the most ardent male feminists I know, the level of Feminist Legwork they do (whether engaging with it theoretically or just living in such a way to dismantle / not perpetuate things) is significantly lower than the level of Feminist Legwork being done by averagely ardent feminist girls. And that strikes me as being bullshit.

That and also that I feel like all my beliefs related to feminism are things that are so obvious that I shouldn't have to have those arguments with people. They should just realize that they're fucking morons for having such stupid opinions!

But to end on a less, er, hostile note, so much agreeing here:

Academia is depersonalizing as it almost removes all significance from autonomy and sentience, placing too much emphasis on what's upstairs rather than what propels it.

In short: WORD!

[radio_supply]

Word to the nerd! It's true. I put on weight after the WSUA conference because I started reading less and singing more, writing fewer papers and more cover letters and actually eating.

My poor brain. I work it like a donkey, and then when I think of how hard people work donkeys I feel sorry for those poor little donkeys.
---
Chelle

[ivytheadventure]

i think that being discontent periodically is one of life's inevitabilities. i feel like i have this sense of "depersonalization" as well...i actually get from your posts that we are very similar thinkers. [you may be a bit ahead of me, though.] yes it is terrifying to believe that either everything is real and i don't exist or that i do exist, but nothing is real at all, or maybe that i am just too unmotivated to keep creating my universe over and over again because it is futile and maybe everything has already been done before. but i am coming to terms with the fact that the core of my being is anxiety in the context of emptiness, and that i actually do have ideas about what is beautiful and what isn't, regardless of how meaningless that concept can be. it is okay to want things to be magical. i am on your "beauty" bandwagon, dear.

[ageofscience]

I just remembered that I've had mail for you (stamped and everything) sitting on my desk for you for like, a week, and I haven't yet sent it? Ack! When did I get to be so scattered?

Anyway. I do think that we are probably very similar thinkers and it is comforting to know that. I agree that periodic discontent is inevitable, but knowing that doesn't make things hurt any less when you're there. I guess I just think life should be about having my breath taken away over and over. I know it probably can't always be that, but it doesn't make me stop wanting it, nor does it negate that when life is never that, it's awful.

But I mean, whatever. What is grad school for if not to round up all the cheesy, introspective theory nerds of the world and let them create their own more beautiful society of overeducation and excess?

[allscrapedup]

What is grad school for if not to round up all the cheesy, introspective theory nerds of the world and let them create their own more beautiful society of overeducation and excess?

haahaa, i guarantee this is going to be what my program is like, especially with a class called "The Times We Live In" ;)

[ageofscience]

Hehe. Totally. I have a feeling both our programs are likely to be brimming with that exact type of person. I admittedly love those qualities in people generally, but it definitely can become nauseating after a point.

Here's hoping that point doesn't occur within a year. I don't want to grow so fatigued with everyone else basking in unicorns and rainbows that I end up being That Grad Student who sits in the corner looking surly, drinking black coffee, reading stuffy German philisophy, dressed like some kind of nihilist. I will not become that person!

[_tingting_]

Pam! I'm quite worried about this state you are in. Depersonalization seems to be a very serious mental state/disorder (that is not commonly recognized...although sadly, most mental illnesses aren't). You definitely deserve a break from whatever you're studying... you need R&R&R (rest & relaxation & recuperation) before you can throw yourself back out there, considering that you are interested in pursuing this field further. it must be quite a challenge to summarize what you have to say in only 2 sentences (so i apologize for not trying harder hehe).
Also, it might be really nice to pursue other interests while taking a break from feminism. a wide variety of friends and interests would maybe help you get in touch with all that inspires you. Get some SPARKS going! You are very knowledgable, eloquent, beautiful, talented, creative, and you definitely inspire me! it may sound cheesy, but you DO exist and i think you have a great impact on those around you. hugs ♥♥♥

[ageofscience]

My dear, you may well actually be the sweetest girl ever in time, you know that? My only hope for you in the world is that you find a way to make yourself feel as wonderful every day as you make other people feel. For real.

What I'm realizing is that I'm just naturally such an anxious person that I don't ever really relax. When I keep busy I am anxious about how busy I am. When I take time off to relax it just gives me more time to find more things to be anxious about. Maybe I just have to accept it as a part of life.

I think you are exactly right about the break from feminism. I definitely feel like I need to try to see the world in new ways. Like, I have already mastered that perspective on the world, and I'm ready to be good at other ways of seeing the world. Hm.

[_tingting_]

Pam, it's scary how anxiety and stress can cause our bodies and minds to work in ways that go against us. I can also imagine that it's quite a drastic change when you go from super occupied to super chilled. I think we all go through it, but we might experience it in different ways. It's valid for you to feel the way you do (you have alot thrown at you but at the same time you have the opportunity to rest while you can because of summer break), but it's also important to recognize if there is something 'wrong' when you feel detached from the world or yourself. I'm not sure whether or not you need more time to yourself to figure things out or if you need a good support group of friends (or maybe have the joy of both worlds), but i hope you do find other interests that will inspire you to grow and expand your mind. you really impress and amaze me with your dedication to Women's Studies, but you also have so much more to offer! I think this is an exciting moment... i think good things will be on it's way once you go out there to

[ageofscience]

Geez, I need this kind of pep talk every day! I think you are right on the money about everything, especially transititioning from being busy to chilled. Which I honestly had not even considered. How did you get to be so perceptive?

I have been doing everything in my power for the past couple of days to Get Inspired. Like you said, new hobbies, exploring, that kind of stuff. I think it is working pretty well so far!