(no subject)
courtesy of brian mcgaw, this is a transcript of a prank phone call this guy made to an online viagra dealer after his online application for a prescription was denied. it's a little long but well worth reading.
AMERIMED: Thank you for calling AmeriMed, I'm Evelyn, how can I help you?
JOHN HARGRAVE: Hi, I recently put in an order for a prescription, and I was denied. The response you guys sent me was actually rather rude.
AM: All right ... what were you ordering?
JH: Viagra.
AM: OK, let's see. [Pause] It looks like it was denied because the doctor couldn't find the medical necessity, and probably because of all the excess medications you're taking.
JH: Such as?
AM: Ah ... you do smoke marijuana?
JH: Only in the shower.
AM: Prednisone, Azmacort, Alupent ... do you have asthma?
JH: Only since I started smoking marijuana.
AM: Well, [Viagra] is one medication he would prefer ... he would prefer you see a doctor. It's for your benefit, it's not an insult, it's simply that he feels that for your health, you should see a local doctor.
JH: But your web site says that AmeriMed was founded to help me avoid "an embarrassing conversation with my personal physician."
AM: Uh huh, but that's if it's approved ... this physician is not going to approve it.
JH: Is there another physician we could ask?
AM: No, we are very strict in our regulations, and we have to ask that you go see a local doctor.
JH: Look, Evelyn. I need a longer erection in my penis. Can you help me with this?
AM: I wish that I could help you, but I can't. I suggest you see a local doctor.
JH: Don't you understand that I have a condition? I am not well!
AM: Sir, I ...
JH: I can sometimes only make love for one hour. Do you know how embarrassing that is? I mean, you're a woman. You know what I'm talking about here, don't you?
AM: I do understand, however again, I can't help you. You're going to have to see your local doctor.
JH: I don't believe this. Evelyn, listen to me: I can only sustain an erection for one hour, two hours tops.
AM: I realize that, and I don't mean to be insensitive. Again, I'm ... this isn't meant as an insult to you personally. We just can't help you, unless you can get a prescription from your local doctor.
JH: Would you deny medication to a dying child?
AM: I don't...
JH: Well, my penis is like a dying child.
AM: [Growing increasingly agitated] Sir, I cannot continue this conversation.
JH: How about you guys send me the Viagra, bill me an extra $50, and we'll call it even.
AM: I cannot do that, you're asking me to not only compromise my licensing, but...
JH: Oh, you guys are licensed?
AM: [Clearly offended] Yes.
JH: Oh! Oh ... oh. Oh. Well, that's a different story.
AM: You're asking me to compromise my licensing, and we simply cannot do this.
JH: Look, Evelyn. Would you be willing to personally fill the prescription for me, and maybe I can pay you for your services?
AM: Mr. Hargrave, I cannot continue this conversation. I have other calls to attend to.
JH: Could we meet up in an alley somewhere?
AM: All right, I'm going to take this call rather offensively. I'm letting you know that this is an offensive conversation, and I am going to hang up.
JH: Evelyn, Evelyn. Before you go. Listen.
AM: Yes.
JH: Think you can score me some Oxycontin?
[Hang up]
AMERIMED: Thank you for calling AmeriMed, I'm Evelyn, how can I help you?
JOHN HARGRAVE: Hi, I recently put in an order for a prescription, and I was denied. The response you guys sent me was actually rather rude.
AM: All right ... what were you ordering?
JH: Viagra.
AM: OK, let's see. [Pause] It looks like it was denied because the doctor couldn't find the medical necessity, and probably because of all the excess medications you're taking.
JH: Such as?
AM: Ah ... you do smoke marijuana?
JH: Only in the shower.
AM: Prednisone, Azmacort, Alupent ... do you have asthma?
JH: Only since I started smoking marijuana.
AM: Well, [Viagra] is one medication he would prefer ... he would prefer you see a doctor. It's for your benefit, it's not an insult, it's simply that he feels that for your health, you should see a local doctor.
JH: But your web site says that AmeriMed was founded to help me avoid "an embarrassing conversation with my personal physician."
AM: Uh huh, but that's if it's approved ... this physician is not going to approve it.
JH: Is there another physician we could ask?
AM: No, we are very strict in our regulations, and we have to ask that you go see a local doctor.
JH: Look, Evelyn. I need a longer erection in my penis. Can you help me with this?
AM: I wish that I could help you, but I can't. I suggest you see a local doctor.
JH: Don't you understand that I have a condition? I am not well!
AM: Sir, I ...
JH: I can sometimes only make love for one hour. Do you know how embarrassing that is? I mean, you're a woman. You know what I'm talking about here, don't you?
AM: I do understand, however again, I can't help you. You're going to have to see your local doctor.
JH: I don't believe this. Evelyn, listen to me: I can only sustain an erection for one hour, two hours tops.
AM: I realize that, and I don't mean to be insensitive. Again, I'm ... this isn't meant as an insult to you personally. We just can't help you, unless you can get a prescription from your local doctor.
JH: Would you deny medication to a dying child?
AM: I don't...
JH: Well, my penis is like a dying child.
AM: [Growing increasingly agitated] Sir, I cannot continue this conversation.
JH: How about you guys send me the Viagra, bill me an extra $50, and we'll call it even.
AM: I cannot do that, you're asking me to not only compromise my licensing, but...
JH: Oh, you guys are licensed?
AM: [Clearly offended] Yes.
JH: Oh! Oh ... oh. Oh. Well, that's a different story.
AM: You're asking me to compromise my licensing, and we simply cannot do this.
JH: Look, Evelyn. Would you be willing to personally fill the prescription for me, and maybe I can pay you for your services?
AM: Mr. Hargrave, I cannot continue this conversation. I have other calls to attend to.
JH: Could we meet up in an alley somewhere?
AM: All right, I'm going to take this call rather offensively. I'm letting you know that this is an offensive conversation, and I am going to hang up.
JH: Evelyn, Evelyn. Before you go. Listen.
AM: Yes.
JH: Think you can score me some Oxycontin?
[Hang up]