SAMUEL TAYLOR COLERIDGE: GROCERY LIST
Everybody's said just about everything about this election already, so there isn't too much I need to add. So instead, and in keeping with my NaNoWriMo theme of snatching up other author's styles (in case you haven't been following) I give you a modern-day trip to the grocery store, Coleridge-style. I'm calling this one
RIME OF THE IMPATIENT HOMEMAKER
It is a harried Homemaker,
and he stoppeth at Safeway,
and this long list 'eresoon must buy
afore ten more small tasks to-day.
In no small haste he finds a lad,
through store's employ, a Clerk,
and displays the list in clenchéd fist
to delay him in his work.
'By thy tired look and twitchy eye,
wherefore might I help thee?
For art thou not a customer,
and I an employee?'
'These goods I need,' quoth he
in haggard voice, that apt befits his pose
of leaning 'gainst his shopping-cart
and sniffling through his nose.
'Nature's gracious harvest
I must attend forthwith,
the trinity of mirepoix
and lo, a fourth, and fifth!
Peppers join that hearty stock
in colors red and green.
A fragrant bulb, the garlic crown
should not be scarce unseen!'
The Clerk did sigh, for to his eye
the Homemaker did shift and slouch;
Clear as dawn he seeketh naught
but to return whence to his couch.
'Now toilet-goods I must seek out, and
purchase there two things:
a packet of yon fresh'ning wipes,
and cotton swabs on strings.
(The kind in applicators,
if know'st thou what I mean.)'
'Why tell me this!' the Clerk exclaimed,
in throes of pained dismay,
'Thy sainted Wife wouldst surely not
defend thy forwardness, I say!'
''Tis nothing! No shame have I,
nor secrets worth to keep;
the matters I reveal next,
'twould bring thou, man, to weep.
I lay things bare, with naught a care,
'twould bring thou, man, to weep.
In Charmin and with quilted sheet
needst I, thy largest bale:
e're now my son learns bathroom arts
and stands as should a male.
Alas! His aim strays off the mark,
and weaves now left! now right!
A hundred hundred two-ply sheets
wouldst despair to cleanse that blight.'
'Why tell me this, o Homemaker!'
'Fret not thou, patient Clerk!
Now last of all, I should recall,
what made my Wife berserk.
Hungry, hungry I did walk
'neath night's full blesséd Moon,
And in the white glow of the fridge
Oh! A sight to swoon!
A whole full block of Cheddar fair
didst move my heart to sigh;
I moved now quickly to unwrap
and taste with nose and eye.
Then one! two! three! my slicer sang
as I did cleave it thrice!
By softly shimm'ring fridge door light
I ateth down each slice.
And lo! I say! In flavour's grace
reclined I, meek and poor
And drove to feast, I didst not cease
'till Cheddar was no more.
But what now makes this ghastly flash?
That at my eyes doth strike!
my Wife hath chanced upon my snack
with rage ne'er seen the like!
That cheese, 'twas meant to top a dish
she'd bake upon the 'morrow,
when all the family shall attend
to my regret and sorrow.
And so this list was fast prepared
perhaps as penance fair
I ate the cheese meant for the dish
meant for my in-laws' fare.
'We talk no more! To store! To store!
To fix what thou doth wreck,'
In my hand was placed the list
instead of 'round my neck.
But knowest thou, o Clerk,' as
taketh he two blocks from yon shelf,
'One cheese adorns that dish,
and one more is for myself.'
And slowly the Homemaker doth walk away,
and leaves the Clerk forlorn,
who decideth 'twould be best were he
to stay (for now) with porn.
Next time: Children of the Universe #8!
RIME OF THE IMPATIENT HOMEMAKER
It is a harried Homemaker,
and he stoppeth at Safeway,
and this long list 'eresoon must buy
afore ten more small tasks to-day.
In no small haste he finds a lad,
through store's employ, a Clerk,
and displays the list in clenchéd fist
to delay him in his work.
'By thy tired look and twitchy eye,
wherefore might I help thee?
For art thou not a customer,
and I an employee?'
'These goods I need,' quoth he
in haggard voice, that apt befits his pose
of leaning 'gainst his shopping-cart
and sniffling through his nose.
'Nature's gracious harvest
I must attend forthwith,
the trinity of mirepoix
and lo, a fourth, and fifth!
Peppers join that hearty stock
in colors red and green.
A fragrant bulb, the garlic crown
should not be scarce unseen!'
The Clerk did sigh, for to his eye
the Homemaker did shift and slouch;
Clear as dawn he seeketh naught
but to return whence to his couch.
'Now toilet-goods I must seek out, and
purchase there two things:
a packet of yon fresh'ning wipes,
and cotton swabs on strings.
(The kind in applicators,
if know'st thou what I mean.)'
'Why tell me this!' the Clerk exclaimed,
in throes of pained dismay,
'Thy sainted Wife wouldst surely not
defend thy forwardness, I say!'
''Tis nothing! No shame have I,
nor secrets worth to keep;
the matters I reveal next,
'twould bring thou, man, to weep.
I lay things bare, with naught a care,
'twould bring thou, man, to weep.
In Charmin and with quilted sheet
needst I, thy largest bale:
e're now my son learns bathroom arts
and stands as should a male.
Alas! His aim strays off the mark,
and weaves now left! now right!
A hundred hundred two-ply sheets
wouldst despair to cleanse that blight.'
'Why tell me this, o Homemaker!'
'Fret not thou, patient Clerk!
Now last of all, I should recall,
what made my Wife berserk.
Hungry, hungry I did walk
'neath night's full blesséd Moon,
And in the white glow of the fridge
Oh! A sight to swoon!
A whole full block of Cheddar fair
didst move my heart to sigh;
I moved now quickly to unwrap
and taste with nose and eye.
Then one! two! three! my slicer sang
as I did cleave it thrice!
By softly shimm'ring fridge door light
I ateth down each slice.
And lo! I say! In flavour's grace
reclined I, meek and poor
And drove to feast, I didst not cease
'till Cheddar was no more.
But what now makes this ghastly flash?
That at my eyes doth strike!
my Wife hath chanced upon my snack
with rage ne'er seen the like!
That cheese, 'twas meant to top a dish
she'd bake upon the 'morrow,
when all the family shall attend
to my regret and sorrow.
And so this list was fast prepared
perhaps as penance fair
I ate the cheese meant for the dish
meant for my in-laws' fare.
'We talk no more! To store! To store!
To fix what thou doth wreck,'
In my hand was placed the list
instead of 'round my neck.
But knowest thou, o Clerk,' as
taketh he two blocks from yon shelf,
'One cheese adorns that dish,
and one more is for myself.'
And slowly the Homemaker doth walk away,
and leaves the Clerk forlorn,
who decideth 'twould be best were he
to stay (for now) with porn.
Next time: Children of the Universe #8!