The Duck Discovers The Blues
Ah, T-Bone Walker... that man understands me. (for those reading this via Facebook, I'm listening to T-Bone Walker's "I'm In An Awful Mood")
So I've been on a blues kick lately. Have I been depressed? Sometimes yes, but mostly not really.
Now, disappointed? That's a different matter entirely.
For starters, I'm still a little upset that I didn't get a witness award at the Mock Trial tournament last weekend. I know I have the skill for it though, and had I actually gotten the chance to play my witnesses instead of them getting yanked I have no doubt I'd have one right now.
And of course there's the problems I've been having with women. Oh Roosevelt Sykes, how right you were... "The women I've known, they done turned my poor heart cold." Though I've recently started to come out of a vow to not date that's lasted for eight years I've pretty much realized that it's likely going to be impossible to find a good woman for me at Ole Miss mostly due to the age gap. Twenty-six is not old by any means, but when most of the candidates are of the 18-20 range it really starts to appear that way. Nearly all of the women here are like children compared to me!
Heck, I've discovered that I can't even be friends with some of these girls without making them uncomfortable. *shrugs* I guess people can't be friendly anymore to the opposite sex without coming off as being interested in them. Finding out that last fact upset me deeply, and I'd been depressed for the better half of the past three weeks because of finding that out. I'd always considered myself as something of a gentleman, trying to open doors for women when I could, always trying to be respectful and friendly, and usually trying to treat them as if they were my sister or someone else's future wife. Apparently even that is freaky to a lot of women, or so someone told me a few weeks ago. I doubt she knew how hurtful that comment was to me. I was already feeling like a burden to some of the people I know, but that comment hurt me so much that I'm still upset about it. While this can't be held against her, I was so depressed and self-conscious that I did something stupid and lost a friend that was becoming very dear to me, and I doubt we'll ever talk again in the same capacity that we had in the past. I've since had to force myself to become very cold to that friend, practically ignoring them because it takes all I can do to not think about them, and seeing them certainly reminds me of what happened. Out of sight, out of mind.
I guess the real question is this: where do I go from here? Honestly, I have no clue what to do. Should I shut myself off from the physical world again? Who here in Oxford would miss me? I'd think there'd only be one person, really, and that'd be my good friend Caleb, and maybe Coley because that guy has a good heart. So there's two... but that's about it, though.
I think Charlie Brown said it best: "I think lunchtime is about the worst time of the day for me. Always having to sit here alone. Of course, sometimes mornings aren't so pleasant, either - waking up and wondering if anyone would really miss me if I never got out of bed. Then there's the night, too - lying there and thinking about all the stupid things I've done during the day. And all those hours in between - when I do all those stupid things. Well, lunchtime is among the worst times of the day for me."
Preach it, Charlie. Preach it.
So I've been on a blues kick lately. Have I been depressed? Sometimes yes, but mostly not really.
Now, disappointed? That's a different matter entirely.
For starters, I'm still a little upset that I didn't get a witness award at the Mock Trial tournament last weekend. I know I have the skill for it though, and had I actually gotten the chance to play my witnesses instead of them getting yanked I have no doubt I'd have one right now.
And of course there's the problems I've been having with women. Oh Roosevelt Sykes, how right you were... "The women I've known, they done turned my poor heart cold." Though I've recently started to come out of a vow to not date that's lasted for eight years I've pretty much realized that it's likely going to be impossible to find a good woman for me at Ole Miss mostly due to the age gap. Twenty-six is not old by any means, but when most of the candidates are of the 18-20 range it really starts to appear that way. Nearly all of the women here are like children compared to me!
Heck, I've discovered that I can't even be friends with some of these girls without making them uncomfortable. *shrugs* I guess people can't be friendly anymore to the opposite sex without coming off as being interested in them. Finding out that last fact upset me deeply, and I'd been depressed for the better half of the past three weeks because of finding that out. I'd always considered myself as something of a gentleman, trying to open doors for women when I could, always trying to be respectful and friendly, and usually trying to treat them as if they were my sister or someone else's future wife. Apparently even that is freaky to a lot of women, or so someone told me a few weeks ago. I doubt she knew how hurtful that comment was to me. I was already feeling like a burden to some of the people I know, but that comment hurt me so much that I'm still upset about it. While this can't be held against her, I was so depressed and self-conscious that I did something stupid and lost a friend that was becoming very dear to me, and I doubt we'll ever talk again in the same capacity that we had in the past. I've since had to force myself to become very cold to that friend, practically ignoring them because it takes all I can do to not think about them, and seeing them certainly reminds me of what happened. Out of sight, out of mind.
I guess the real question is this: where do I go from here? Honestly, I have no clue what to do. Should I shut myself off from the physical world again? Who here in Oxford would miss me? I'd think there'd only be one person, really, and that'd be my good friend Caleb, and maybe Coley because that guy has a good heart. So there's two... but that's about it, though.
I think Charlie Brown said it best: "I think lunchtime is about the worst time of the day for me. Always having to sit here alone. Of course, sometimes mornings aren't so pleasant, either - waking up and wondering if anyone would really miss me if I never got out of bed. Then there's the night, too - lying there and thinking about all the stupid things I've done during the day. And all those hours in between - when I do all those stupid things. Well, lunchtime is among the worst times of the day for me."
Preach it, Charlie. Preach it.