A Rant, A Monologue, A Prayer
I guess you never really get what you want.
People say life's unfair, but as I thought on, perhaps it isn't after all. Maybe life is fair... maybe.
You see, I have this friend... and she made me think about all these when she texted me mere moments ago.
My friend is really pretty - beautiful, even. Plus, she's in a stable relationship with a boyfriend she has had since her senior year in high school. I think I might go to sleep one day and wake up with them being hitched already - and I wouldn't even be surprised.
The thing is, I am jealous... no, envious, of this friend. And when I come to think of it, it surprises me that I'm not one bit ashamed to admit to myself the way I feel. I mean, why should I be? In my point of view, she has everything I want to happen in my life, maybe more.
Then again, it's ironic how I realized this just now. But I'm glad that I did.
I don't know if I'm getting ahead of myself, but I think that maybe... just maybe, that friend is envious of me, too - the way I am envious of her.
Although I could see myself shaking my head at this, I mean, why would she want to be ugly and loveless, right? I started to see things from her perspective and I can say that I've had quite an epiphany.
As I looked at it objectively, I can see her reasons, and at this, I felt ashamed to have not realized it any sooner. My friend has always wanted to become a nurse, but I guess God has other plans for her, which is why she failed to be one, twice.
With this, I realized the truth that, if it's not for you today, perhaps it could be yours tomorrow; if it still doesn't work out no matter how hard you try, perhaps it really isn't for you since the beginning. And there are other things, better things, things that rightfully belong to you, that await you as soon as you find it in yourself to let go of what's not meant to be, and pursue God's plan.
Also, she has always told me how lucky I am to be in law school, that being a dream of hers as well - to be a lawyer, that is. And to be quite honest, I can't help but agree with her. No matter how much I say how tired I am, how frustrated I am of all the things I have to do, how I want to tear all the books I have to read, how I want to curse all the essays I have to write, at the end of the day, I know I wouldn't have it any other way. I won't give my dream up. I know I'm lucky to be able to live towards achieving my dream.
I'm saying this not only because other people want to be able to do what I am doing, not only because I know someone else wants to be in my place, not because I'm stalling what's next to come into my life, but because I know that in a way, I'm working God's plan. It really does feel good to know that you're doing something substantial in your life - something that may be irrelevant when you look at it today, but will make all the difference in the years to come.
And when I looked at my surroundings just now, I realized that I was never loveless. Boyfriendless, yes. But loveless? Definitely not. I know I am blessed and I want to appreciate it now more than ever, knowing that my family and friends' love surpasses that of a lover by a mile. And the good thing is, I'm not saying this in a bitter way, for once.
I know an intimate relationship will always be different than that of filial and platonic love. But since I do not have it right now, might as well enjoy what I have. It will come sooner or later, I guess. I'm not gonna force it, lest I end up with regrets, knowing that real love can never be forced, much less planned. It will happen, and if it doesn't, well, I guess that's God's plan for me.
I guess you never really get what you want, but I guess you just gotta accept the fact that you can never really have everything in life, and start to make the most of what you have.
I don't have everything I want in life right now. I doubt I will ever get everything I want in the future as well... but I'm getting there. I'm trying... And for now, it is enough.
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