Goodbye
Warning : While listening to A Modern Myth this came out,please be nice,just leftovers from my scattered mind
His fingers dug methodically into the backpack, knowing exactly what to take. When you know what is yours and what is not in a house once for two, when you know how to separate what identifies you from the other, then, Colin thought, you know it’s really over. He knew exactly what was his and what was Jared’s. And he wasn’t taking any memento along. He thought he should have felt desperation, but he didn’t. There was some sorrow thought, hidden somewhere between his stomach and his chest, but not unbearable as he had always thought it would be
It had happened all too quickly, the sudden realization, and he had felt a sort of happiness afterwards, like someone who is in control for the first time. Like way too many things in his life this had happened without him even wanting or realizing it and he had been left dealing with the consequences. He looked up at Jared’s silhouette standing in the door, his face half hidden in the shadows, he couldn’t see his face very well, but he knew he wasn’t looking as beautiful as you’d expected him to be, he had never been a morning person and Colin felt very uneasy at the idea he had just gotten up to watch him leave. He found all the ‘leaving’ process tiring and senseless. He had no goodbye words to say, they had been said and sung before and he was leaving just because there were no more words, not even to say goodbye. Jared handed him something, he didn’t turn but he could sense a metallic graze on his right shoulder
“You should take this” he said in a lower tone than his usual
Inside the frame two strangers’ faces smiled at him apologetically, frozen inside it, and far away from the truth
“I don’t really want it, Jared, seriously” he said, in a much louder tone than he had expected
Not a sign from him, and for a moment the picture in the frame seemed to gain its own life, floating between the two of them. Jared let it fall on floor
“You had always been the one fond of memories and of, how do you call it? Souvenirs?”
“ I don’t think you know me that much to say what I’m fond of Jared”
Silence
Colin looked around the room, it was neatly clean, it was Jared’s house again, and not home. Not home anymore.
“I’m sure you know Matt’s tastes way better” he bit his lower lip. Fuck, he always talked before thinking, and now he sounded just like who he was, a stupid jealous betrayed lover
He didn’t want to be that, he didn’t want to be many things, including Colin Farrell
He reached for the door, feeling the oppression of Jared’s presence behind him, that called for him to say something proper, any sort of goodbye
They both breathed heavily, at least something still in unison
“Where are you going?” Jared’s tone was flat, not really interested, not really caring just a question Colin shrugged
“ I don’t care, as long as I’m safe and sound…” he stopped and then added “From you”
Jared nodded, as in understanding
“That’s the best decision you’ve taken since I know you” a broken laugh just from his mouth and nothing from his eyes
Look could be so deceiving, and Colin now knew better than anyone how Jared’s look could be deceiving. As long as he wanted to, he couldn’t catch the cruelty and the violence behind those eyes, and that maybe was why that cruelty had hit and cut him deeper than any other
He walked away without even turning, no other thought in his mind but a sense of melancholy He took his cell phone and slowly pressed the sequence of numbers, one after the other, meaningless numbers that for some strange reason made appear the word ‘home’ on the screen of his cell phone and listened to the pleading sound. He imagined the sour sound of the phone travelling into his empty Dublin house, he imagined it as a living thing expanding all through the house, floating from the kitchen, lying like dust on the bedspread, an echo calling, not green like Ireland, but cloudy and insincere like LA’s sky He started the engine of the car and the stereo started playing, making him jump A once familiar voice was finally saying ‘Goodbye’
‘Goodbye’ he whispered back