Love After Love (Suho/ Xiumin)
Title: Love After Love
Rating: PG13
Warning: weight related self esteem issues
Wordcount: 6760
Summary: Based on Love After Love by Derek Walcott. Minseok's gone through love after love and after it all, well there's Junmyeon.
Author's Note:
Originally written for bluedreaming at teenyhyungs.
Thank you Anda for your wonderful prompts, especially the poems that came with it! This one is very different than what you had asked for, but I hope you enjoy it nonetheless! Special thanks to my lovely Ren for encouraging me to not scrap all of this and to keep going. Also for looking it over. Much love! <3
And as always, here is the unwonky formatted version. >___<
The alarm is ringing.
Minseok struggles to open his eyes. He makes it halfway with one eye open searching for the phone. At first, all he sees is a tuft of brown hair in his face. He turns away from the hair to where the phone seems to be. In the darkness the phone's interface makes it easy to locate. Minseok reaches out and brings it closer to his face, wincing at the brightness.
The phone says that it's six in the morning. Minseok wonders to himself what on earth he had to do so early today. He stares at the screen for a full minute before he realizes that it's not his phone.
The phone actually belongs to the person snuggled beside him in bed. Minseok turns to look at his boyfriend Junmyeon sleeping soundly, a bit curled into himself. He thinks Junmyeon looks really young like this and instinctively wants to bring him into his arms but he sighs because he has to do the opposite.
He pulls away from him and Junmyeon makes a small whining noise. Minseok stifles a small chuckle.
"Junmyeon," he calls out softly.
When he gets no response, he tries again. This time Junmyeon shudders and turns his body away from Minseok, curling into himself even more.
With another sigh, Minseok starts to lightly shake him. Junmyeon just ignores it. Minseok tries a little harder and finally he can see Junmyeon scrunch his entire face before slowly opening up his eyes. His drowsy eyes look over his shoulder to where Minseok is and Junmyeon pouts at him.
"What is it?"
His voice is scratchy and quiet and Minseok almost feels bad for waking him up. Almost but not quite.
"Your alarm went off."
Junmyeon's eyes blink slowly as he processes what Minseok just told him. He bolts out of bed, leaving Minseok wide eyed and gaping. He watches as Junmyeon jogs to the bathroom, clothes being chucked off his body along the way as he curses to himself. Climbing into the shower, he gives out a little yip and, "Cold!"
Minseok laughs out loud at his boyfriend and gets up off the bed to follow the trail of clothes, picking each piece up as he makes his way over to the bathroom.
When the door closes behind Junmyeon, Minseok is left standing there staring at the door. He keeps replaying what Junmyeon had said to him.
"The clothes I need are at my apartment so I have to stop by and change there, then go to work."
There's nothing out of the ordinary about it. This is Minseok's apartment, and that is Junmyeon's. But it still felt a bit strange to Minseok. Minseok's eyebrows furrow. It doesn't fit to him.
He pulls the chair closest to him from the dining table and sits down. Legs together, hands in his lap, he sits there, staring at the front door.
He thinks about the words. In his head. In his head, it sounds off. So he says it out loud. The beginning of it sounds okay but when he gets to "my", he stops.
My. My apartment. My.
His steady gaze starts to wander.
From the door, there are shoes. Many, many shoes. Some of them are sneakers. A couple of boat shoes. Some boots. Ones with tassels, one with spots. Baby blue and tan. Black converses. So many shoes and all of them are Junmyeon's.
Of course they're Junmyeon's. None of these shoes are Minseok's and he knows this because they're all stored in the shoe closet behind the door. Like his clothes, Junmyeon likes to leave his shoes where ever they may fall. Most of the time, that's in front of the door.
Anyone else, and Minseok would scold and demand that they at the very least line up their shoes properly. But Junmyeon, Minseok just chuckles at.
Minseok's eye catches the bookshelf.
On it, there are Minseok's books on coffee and architecture, but there's also a couple volumes of Junmyeon's favorite manga. Next to it is a framed picture of the two when they took a trip to Hong Kong and Junmyeon had insisted that they needed a picture with the giant rubber duck. For posterity's sake, he had argued.
Minseok chuckles at the memory and looks on. And as Minseok keeps looking, he keeps finding. Things that are his, and things that are Junmyeon's. As many things there are that are theirs individually, there are many more that are theirs together.
There's the TV that they had bought together. Minseok had wanted a moderate size, regular TV. Junmyeon took a whole night to convince him that a panoramic TV was much better. Minseok ended up agreeing.
Minseok looks a bit to the right of the TV.
There's a horrid ceramic sculpture they made on their fifth date. Junmyeon had wanted to do it because it was something of their own creation. Minseok thought it was horribly cheesy but he did it anyways. They had lots of fun and got very messy.
Minseok's eyes wander to the wall.
There's beautiful off white color on the walls of the living room. Junmyeon had wanted to hire professionals to come paint for the room. Minseok firmly said no and that they'd be doing it themselves. Junmyeon sputtered in indignation at being roped into it, but he was hardly complaining later on when Minseok kissed him silly against said-walls after they were done.
Minseok sits back on the chair and takes everything in at once. Yes, this is his apartment. It technically is. But this place, this home, it's theirs.
Minseok wonders briefly if Junmyeon ever thinks this. He must, he thinks.
He sits there taking more and more of the apartment in. As he contemplates he feels his blinks get slower. One blink, two blinks, and suddenly he feels himself drifting off. Minseok is sure he closes his eyes for only a second.
He hears the doorbell ring and his eyes bolt open.
He runs over to the door, wondering if perhaps Junmyeon forgot something. However, when he opens the door, he doesn't see Junmyeon.
The person he sees is a bit shorter than himself, a bit tanner, and a bit chubbier as well. Right before his eyes, Minseok is staring at his younger self.
The boy, Minseok, bites his bottom lip and shuffles his feet a little. He's looking down at the ground when he says, "Can I come in?"
Shocked, Minseok just opens and closes his mouth. There he is, his younger self, high school if Minseok remembers correctly, asking him if he can come inside.
"I-," the younger Minseok starts, "I'm a bit cold... and lonely... do you mind if I just come in for a bit?"
And the now-Minseok looks at the then-Minseok and without a second thought says, "Of course you can, this is your home." His eyebrows furrow. "You shouldn't have to even ask that."
The then-Minseok starts to say something, but shakes his head and shuffles in past Minseok. Minseok follows him along, quietly, and wonders what his past self could be doing on his doorstep.
The then-Minseok stands in the middle of the room, not knowing where to sit as he takes in his surroundings. He's wondering if this is what his life in the future looks like. And Minseok knows this because he is him. He is both of them.
"Hey," he says from behind then-Minseok. "Why don't you sit down, and I'll get you some soda?"
The then-Minseok winces at the mention of soda and instead shakily asks, "Can I just have water?"
Minseok's heart hurts at the question. Oh Minseok, you don't have to drink just water, when you clearly don't like it that much. "How about tea then?" Before Minseok can protest, "Tea has a lot of good properties for your body and it's mostly water."
And then-Minseok can't say anything back. He just simply bites his lip and sits down gingerly. Minseok walks to the kitchen and puts on the kettle. He comes back to Minseok sitting and looking down dejectedly. He wants to reach out and hug him.
"So hey," he starts off slowly. He doesn't want to scare him. "What're you up to, standing outside of your own house?" He hopes he said that lightly enough. He remembers the Minseok he was back then was not in a very good place.
"I..." He pauses for a long time.
"He left me."
Yes, Minseok remembers this. How could he not. You never forget the first time someone dumps you for another. He tries to look into the eyes of the then-Minseok. He has tears threatening to fall down, and Minseok can only hold out his hand for him.
The then-Minseok hesitantly places his hand in his grasp and holds on.
"It'll be okay." Minseok blurts out. He knows that doesn't help. He was there before and people had said that exact same thing. He hopes that if maybe it comes from himself, his future self, his past self could be a bit more relieved.
"I can't... I don't..."
And Minseok understands. It's been awhile since he's thought about it, but the him that's sitting in front of him makes it easier.
Minseok remembers the first boy he dated. Or rather, dated him. The boy was tall and handsome and assertive. He came to Minseok and chose him. Him, the chubby boy with a farmer's tan and no self-esteem, no self-worth. He chose him, out of all the other boys in their high school.
"I thought I was special."
He did, he really thought he was special. How else could he have gotten the resident bad boy to settle for him? And that's what it was, settling.
"He left me... and he said-"
"No. Don't listen to him. He was an asshole. He was just a boy who didn't know how to love someone. Don't listen to him!"
It made him angry to think about the stupid boy in high school who crushed him. He crushed him, smashed him, broke him so badly, with so much ferocity, that for the longest time, he couldn't look into a mirror without hating himself.
"You'll be better, I promise! You'll go to a great college and you'll find-"
A piercing sound cuts through his thoughts. The whistle from the kettle snaps him out of his rant. His mind reels from the rush and he shakes it off as he hurries into the kitchen to turn off the stove before it can give him a proper headache.
Once he's poured the tea, he walks back to the dining table, confused. He swore that he boiled water to make his drip coffee but instead, he has two cups of tea in his hands. He sits down at the empty table and looks at the two cups.
He supposes he can forgo his coffee today and drink both cups of tea instead.
"Hyung, over here!"
Minseok turns from where he's chatting with some friends to find Jongdae tugging along a stranger. He's lean and tall and very very-
"Pretty. Wow, he's really pretty," says Junmyeon from two people away.
Minseok nods, eyes still taking in Jongdae and his friend. His friend whose eyes seem to have a twinkle in them. He can't stop staring.
Jongdae breezily comments in passing later that Junmyeon was pouting a little. Minseok remembers laughing at that because he hadn't noticed at all.
Junmyeon hadn't noticed it at all. He had rushed into the apartment like a whirlwind, dropping everything he had and made way to the bathroom. He hadn't noticed that the key to the apartment fell out of his bag.
Minseok noticed. Picking up the key, he turns it over a few times in his palm and pockets the key. He doesn't know why he does it, but he does. There's a passcode on the door anyway, so Junmyeon doesn't necessarily need the key. It's just nice to have in case.
Later on during dinner, every once in awhile, when he shifts in his seat, he can feel the key burn in his pocket and he feels guilty.
It makes him lose his appetite.
A few days later, Minseok comes back from work and he's exhausted, hungry and cranky. Junmyeon's handling food today so Minseok has some time to himself. He flops onto the couch, tips his head back and closes his eyes for a second.
There's a rustle.
Minseok looks up and sitting toe to toe with him is Minseok. College Minseok. College Minseok who smiles wider and is skinnier. Significantly skinnier.
Minseok doesn't remember ever looking like that.
College Minseok smiles at him and offers, "I'm exercising now."
"Yes... I can see that." Minseok wants to cry. He can see more than just that. He can see his own ribs. He can see his collarbones. He can see his taut skin over his cheekbones. He wants to cry for all the times he looked in the mirror at 19 and didn't see any of that.
"You don't have to-"
"Exercise? I know, lots of people say that to me. But they don't understand."
I understand, Minseok wants to say. Because he does. He really does.
"I don't want to go back... to that."
"That boy-"
"It's not about him. It's about me. I'm... not right."
No, you are just right. You are more than right. Minseok wants to say all these things to him but he doesn't know how to get to him. Before he can open his mouth to protest, Minseok's stomach growls.
He immediately hugs his stomach, blushing furiously, about to explain, but Minseok cuts him off. "I made food! Just eat a little! You can always just exercise extra to get rid of the calories."
Minseok knows this works. This excuse was how his friends made sure he ate back then. He waits for Minseok to nod, before he pads over to his kitchen.
He takes the roasting chicken out of the oven and cuts a large piece to put onto a plate of already hot and steaming pasta. As he brings the plate out, he wonders vaguely to himself where he got the time to cook.
"Here," he says as he lays the plate down in front of Minseok. He can see Minseok's eyes shine with want at the food, and he gestures for him to eat. With a defeated sigh, Minseok starts to eat.
Minseok watches intently at him eating. He looks so happy eating. He bites into the chicken carefully and Minseok smiles at the way his cheeks bunch up and move up and down as he eats. Minseok understands why his best friend always wanted to eat with him. He makes eating anything look delicious.
He doesn't know how long it is that he watches him eat for, but soon the plate is empty and Minseok looks disgusted. Worried, he asks him what's wrong.
"I can't believe... I feel so...." He looks like he wants to throw up and Minseok abruptly stands up and pulls him into a hug.
"Wha-"
"You're not going to die if you eat. It's okay to exercise, and it's okay to not to. But it's never okay to not eat." He says sternly to the boy in his arms.
Minseok starts crying.
"I know, I know-" he starts babbling. "I know, but I just- I need to show him. Show him that I am better. Than him. Than that boy. And it's stupid and I shouldn't but I- I- I need this. I need to do this."
And Minseok finds tears streaming down his own face. That stupid boy that broke him. Left him so broken that he started to break himself thinking it would make him better.
"I know- I know- I should eat... Junmyeon.. and L-" He starts sobbing. "They always tell me to eat and they always accompany me to things and Jongdae always asks me to go out for food and-"
Minseok hugs the boy closer to him. College had given him access to a gym 24/7 but it also made him an addict. Minseok is glad to have found people, especially his best friends and Junmyeon who helped him.
"I'm disgusting."
Minseok wants to protest further, but thankfully this time, Minseok had only meant his clothes. Minseok looks down and somehow both their clothes are dirty.
"Um, we can shower..."
Minseok blushes and says, "This is your house... You.... can go first."
Minseok laughs, "This house is ours. Don't be silly. Here." He takes Minseok by the shoulders and nudges him towards the backroom. "Go first!"
Minseok looks back at him, before disappearing behind the bathroom door. Minseok chuckles at himself before his stomach growls so intensely, it gives him a start.
A hand cups his face. "Hey."
Minseok bleary looks up at Junmyeon's smiling face.
"Hungry?"
"Hm." Minseok sits up from the couch, taking in his surrounding. He's in the living room and Junmyeon has already ordered chicken and there are some cold beers on the table. The tv shows the menu to the latest superhero flick they've been meaning to watch.
"Hey, go wash your face, yeah? I got everything set up already."
Minseok nods and pads his way over to the bathroom. He splashes his face with a bit of water and catches himself in the mirror. He smiles at himself and returns to the living room to where Junmyeon is.
Junmyeon calls Minseok after he’s finished with work. Minseok is really sitting at home but he tells Junmyeon that he’s out and about and maybe they should meet up at Junmyeon’s apartment for dinner, since he’s in the area.
Junmyeon makes a small noise that if it was someone else, they would’ve ignored. But it’s Minseok and he knows that Junmyeon is a bit surprised.
“Alright then, I’ll meet you there. You have the key?”
Minseok looks at the key in his hand. “Yes I have it.”
“And the door code is-“
“Oh I know, Junmyeon.” Junmyeon laughs on the other side of the line and Minseok smiles, shaking his head. Junmyeon is anything if not sentimental.
When Minseok arrives at Junmyeon's apartment, he cringes. It's beyond messy, and not only that, there's dust almost everywhere. Minseok fights the urge to start cleaning right away.
He sits down carefully on the couch, in case there are legos or a figurine somewhere under all the blankets strewn over it. He would be more bothered but the blanket has a faint smell of Junmyeon and it calms Minseok down.
While it may smell faintly of Junmyeon, Minseok still thinks that the other apartment is more Junmyeon than this one will ever be. Beyond the mess, there's not much here anyway.
Minseok worries his lips and pulls out a ribbon. It's purple on one side and gold on the other. It was exorbitantly pricey for a small piece of ribbon but they're Junmyeon's favorite colors. He doesn't know why he bought it but his other hand pulls out Junmyeon's key, the one to the other apartment.
He stuffs both away before he gets carried away and decides that this place is too messy and it's messing with his mood. He shuffles around until he finds an apron and some gloves.
When Junmyeon gets home, he makes sure to take a picture and coo at how cute his boyfriend is as he changes his kakao display picture. Minseok gives him a look. Somehow Junmyeon ends up in the apron and gloves and Minseok smiles cheekily at him.
Jongdae sends a message later to tell them they're disgusting.
After cleaning Junmyeon's apartment, Minseok thought since he was already at it, he might as well clean his as well. He woke up early and cleaned everything in the living room to the kitchn until lunchtime. After lunch, he came back and started with his closet.
He starts with the back of the closet and finds a whole wall of boxes. Large moving boxes, small gift boxes, shoe boxes. Most of them were empty or had things he didn't need. He made throw away piles and keep piles and honestly, most of it was being thrown away.
He's looking through the boxes when one catches his eyes. He opens and reads a letter. A shiver runs down his spine. He picks up another one and his mouth goes dry. He leans back against the wall of the closet with the box in his lap.
He had forgotten about this box. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. Suddenly, he feels tired. So so tired.
When he opens his eyes
There's photos and letters everywhere. Upon closer look, they're pictures of him and his best friend, and he swallows the breath in this throat. Looking up, he sees himself, tears streaming down his face, and in his lap is the old shoe box.
Minseok remembers the day he knew to start leaving behind his former love, his best friend.
Junmyeon came over to his house after his internship so that they could marathon the Iron Man movies. It was something they kept saying they should do, and Minseok finally decided that they would actually do something for once.
Minseok was a bit nervous actually having Junmyeon over. He wasn't sure what his feelings were. After turning Junmyeon down all those months ago, they're just friends now. Just friends who only see each other at gatherings. This would really be the first time that they were spending alone with each other since then. Minseok told himself that it's nothing, just two friends hanging out.
Minseok now, thinks about their DVD collection, and just how far from the truth that was.
The doorbell rang at an hour after Junmyeon left his internship. Minseok glanced over to check one last time to make sure he had all the pizza, popcorn, fried chicken, and beer that they could need for the movies. He hoped it was enough.
He opened the door to see Junmyeon smiling at him with his tie undone and the sleeves on his collared shirt rolled up. He ruffled his hair and pouted at Minseok. Minseok laughed as Junmyeon came in and toed his shoes off and made way to the living room. He looked very ready to unwind and watch the movie.
However, when Minseok arrived in the living room, Junmyeon was simply standing in one spot awkwardly. Minseok raised an eyebrow at him in question.
"I," he began slowly. "I didn't know where I'm supposed to sit. Like here or there or..." He gestures obscurely to various places in the room and, "I mean, um, this is my first time here. I didn't know what.. was appropriate?"
It hurt Minseok a bit to know that Junmyeon was so cautious around him, but he guessed that it was only natural considering what happened between them. But he didn't want it to be more awkward than it has to be. After all, they were only friends hanging out.
Minseok gave Junmyeon a chuckle, and with both hands on his shoulders, playfully pushed him to the big couch. "Here is good. Right in front of the TV."
Junmyeon laughed at that.
In-between the first and second movie, Minseok stood up to get more beer for the two of them from the kitchen. He gestured to Junmyeon to pop in the next DVD while he does so. The tension eased a lot by then but Junmyeon stopped talking suddenly. Minseok poked his head out from the kitchen to see why.
Junmyeon stood by the shelf with the open DVD box in hands. He looked up at Minseok with a strange expression on his face. "Um."
"What is it?" Minseok asked curiously.
"Uh, there's no DVD in here. It's-" Junmyeon paused and looked down with his eyebrows furrowed. He continued with a light tone in his voice, "It's just a bunch of polaroids."
"Oh." Those must be pictures of him and Lu Han. He pursed his lips. This is probably not a good time for this to happen.
"Um, so the DVD isn't in there?" He tried to steer the conversation away from the pictures. He felt uncomfortable with Junmyeon standing there, with those pictures in his hands.
Junmyeon shakes his head and closes the DVD box. "Nope." He paused. "Is there anywhere else it might be?"
Minseok thought it might be in a different DVD box, but he himself can't remember if there are more pictures lying around. He worried his bottom lip in thought.
He doesn't remember how long he was thinking for, but he looked up when Junmyeon cleared his throat. "Hm, maybe we should end here for today."
Before Minseok could protest, Junmyeon continued with, "I'm a bit tired from my internship, so actually I think I want to rest early today."
Minseok opens his mouth but Junmyeon gives Minseok a bright smile. "Next time, we can do it at my house. I mean, it's not as clean as yours, but I have all the movie files on my computer and I can just hook it up."
Before Minseok can stop him, Junmyeon started to shuffle around the room, half gathering his belongs, half cleaning up some of the mess. Minseok can only walk over and stop Junmyeon from cleaning before he says, "Yeah, that sounds good. No need to clean, you're a guest. Let me."
And so Junmyeon let go of everything and walked silently towards the door. He puts his shoes on and turns to Minseok who stood there and watched him. "Thanks for having me over. I had fun." He gives Minseok one of those smiles that makes his eyes disappear and Minseok can only smile back at him.
When Junmyeon is gone, Minseok quietly puts all the remaining food away and turns off the TV. Then he stood there in silence in the middle of his living room until he turns to look at the DVD. He reaches and holds it in his hand. He opens it and the polaroids fall out, onto the floor.
There's one of his face and Lu Han's smooshed together. There's another of Minseok's eyes only. Another with hands intertwined. One with tangled legs. One with lips kissing.
Minseok's breath gets stuck in his chest when he sees the last picture. He turns away and holds a hand up to his heart. It throbs and aches and Minseok doesn't feel good.
He doesn't know what possessed him, but that night he turned his apartment inside out to find every single picture that he and Lu Han took together. After hours, he has them compiled in a pile on the floor.
His heart tells him to burn everything. His mind tells him it's a bad idea. His heart says it hurts. His mind tells him that it won't always.
And so Minseok sits cross-legged on the floor and stares at the pile. After what seemed like hours, Minseok picks up the courage to pick up the photo on top. He looks at it and lets himself remember.
He lets himself remember the happiness captured in the photos and the person he was back then. And when he's finished with that one, he picks up another. He sits there and goes through every single one of the photos and allows him, for the final time for the foreseeable future, to reminisce the good times that he took for granted.
After he's finished, he gathers up all the photos and sticks them into an old shoebox he found. He finds a spot for the box in the back of his closet. When he closes the closet door, he says goodbye to Lu Han.
He won't forget Lu Han, or the Minseok that was with Lu Han, but he decides that now is the best time to let it go.
"Minseok- Minseok-" He tries to rush over to the crying boy. What originally seemed like the closet he's always known had suddenly become bigger and more vast.The photos and love letters look like paper, but wading through them felt like wet sand.
"He- He was my best friend!"
He's clutching to a photo in one hand and a post-it in another.
"I know, Minseok but-"
"He was supposed to love me" he says weakly.
"He did! He does!"
"Why would he leave me then?"
"Look- just-" He finally reaches Minseok and throws his arms around Minseok, holding his back to his chest. Minseok hands come up to grab his arms, still clutching the items from before. He smoothes his hands over the clenched fists, hoping that he would let go.
"Why-why-"
"Listen, listen-" He leans closer to Minseok's ear and leans his head against Minseok's own. "He loves you."
"No." It was a quiet and full of hurt. "Then why did he leave me?"
"He had to, he explained to you and-"
"He told me-" A choke, another sob. "Some stupid thing about fate and destiny and-"
Minseok closes his eyes. "To have fate but not destiny." He knows these words by heart. Lu Han had said it to him, said it to him at the time and he hadn't understood. He hadn't wanted to understand.
"You two... are best friends. You'll always be your best friend."
"If even my best friend couldn't love me, how can anyone?"
"No no no" He hugs Minseok closer. "No, that's not how it goes. there will be others."
"I don't want others, I just want him. Just one. Just the only one. I thought he loved me and now who will."
He shushes Minseok. "No no you're right. Not 'others'. Just one, but you can. You can love yourself."
"No!" Minseok cries out weakly. "No. No. My best friend, my boyfriend."
"Listen, listen, he'll come back."
"Then we can be together?"
"No, no no, you won't. Because he's your best friend, but he's not your love. And he's right. You two were fated to meet, but not to be together."
"Why!" Minseok is wailing now. He is a bit surprised at the outburst, but maybe this is what he looked like back then. When he tries to remember that time, it's all a haze to him.
"Minseok, please. Love yourself. And after that..."
Junmyeon.
They're over at Jongdae's house. Jongdae is talking to him about his new teaching plan when he feels the couch dip down right next to him. Without thinking, he reaches a hand to his side and cups Junmyeon’s face. He can’t see his face from the way he’s sitting but he smiles when he feels a soft press of lips to the inside of his wrist.
Jongdae grimaces. “Can you guys not?”
“What?”
“Can you not do that happy-in-love-we’re-very-domestic thing?”
Minseok’s eyebrows shoot up beyond his fringe and Junmyeon stifles a laughter behind him. “We are not-“
Jongdae fakes a vomiting sound. Minseok rolls his eyes but he finds he likes the way that sounds. He shifts to look at Junmyeon and he's smiling back at him as he hooks their pinkies.
The key in Minseok's pocket feels warm.
Back at the apartment, Minseok and Junmyeon dance around each other as they both try to cook their own respective dishes. Junmyeon somehow already has all his ingredients out and Minseok is left by the refrigerator, trying to find his ingredients. All he needs now is milk and somehow they have ran out.
Minseok closes the refrigerator door and looks at Junmyeon. He is happily humming to himself as he chops up some spring onions. Minseok grins to himself mischievously and walks over to Junmyeon.
He wraps his arms around Junmyeon's waist and rests his head on his shoulder. Junmyeon turns to him with a curious expression. Minseok bites the bottom of his lip and tries to say in the most serious of tones, "Junmyeon, we have to talk. I have something to tell you."
Junmyeon's eyes widen and he turns his whole body around to face Minseok. He looks at him with anticipation.
"I think it's time we-"
Before he can finish, Junmyeon's eyes light up as he yelps, "Officially move in together?"
He throws his arms around Minseok's neck and pulls him in for a bruising kiss that lasts for so long that Minseok thinks he might pass out from no air. When Junmyeon lets him go, Minseok pulls back to see Junmyeon's eyes looking back at him with such brilliance it reminds him of starlight.
Minseok is a bit shocked. He hadn't anticipated Junmyeon's reaction but well he's not entirely surprised either. He rolls with it.
He licks his bottom lip and says with a wiggle of his eyebrows, "Well I was going to say that it was time we go get more milk, but moving in together works too."
He watches with amusement as his boyfriend's face starts to get red and he opens his mouth. Minseok is sure he's going to start sputtering soon, so he pulls him in for another kiss. This time, the kiss is soft and makes his heart reel. When it ends, Minseok whispers against Junmyeon's lips, "Let's do it."
He pulls the key he had since tied the nice ribbon onto earlier that week out of his pocket. Before he thought it was silly and that it was unnecessary. He made reason after reason, and excuse after excuse, but now, it feels right. He takes the key and presses it into Junmyeon's hand.
"Let's move in together."
And this time, Junmyeon almost cries.
Today is the day.
Minseok doesn’t even know why he’s nervous. It’s not as if he doesn’t already see Junmyeon every day. It’s not as if they haven’t been sharing the same bowls, the same toothpaste, and the same bed for however long it’s been. It’s not that they haven’t done that.
But he’s nervous.
Because now it’s not that they are sharing Minseok’s things. They are sharing their things. It’s their bowls together, it’s their toothpaste they bought together, and now it’s their bed.
Theirs.
Whoever said moving in together is not a big deal is wrong.
He hears the elevator from beyond the front door and he stands up. His palms are sweaty, and he chides himself. Why is this happening?
He steps closer to the door and waits for Junmyeon to put the key in and turn the doorknob, but it never comes. Curious he gets closer to the door, and turns on the intercom screen.
Junmyeon is standing there with big boxes all around him, a large one in one arm. His other arm is outreached, lightly resting on the number pad of the door. Even from the intercom screen, Minseok can see that Junmyeon is wavering. He’s staring at the number pad, biting his lip with a hint of worry.
Minseok’s heart skips a beat.
Quickly, he throws open the door sporting as big of a smile as he can manage. Looking at Junmyeon’s wide shocked eyes makes him laugh a little. That in turn makes Junmyeon laugh too. There’s a silence for a while and Minseok reaches out and takes Junmyeon’s box out of his hands and places it down inside.
Turning back around they smile shyly at each other before Minseok takes both of Junmyeon’s hands and tugs. They end up with Minseok’s arms on Junmyeon’s shoulders and Junmyeon’s own arms just under his shoulder blades.
Gazing tentatively at Junmyeon, Minseok says, “Welcome home.”
As if almost of out relief, Junmyeon breaks out into a bright smile.
Minseok has seen his share of handsome people. Tall, broad shoulders, deep voice that told him things like “you’re mine” and others have said to him with sparkling eyes, “you’re so beautiful” but those words are incomparable to what Junmyeon says next.
“I’m home.”
Yes, he is.
Later on, a warm breath ghosts over his neck. Junmyeon had shifted closer to Minseok on the bed. He wraps his arm around Minseok's waist, tugging him backwards, so that their bodies have no space between each other.
Minseok smiles as he feels Junmyeon place a kiss on the nape of his neck. He grins when Junmyeon kisses around his neck next. A lip bite when Junmyeon kiss his shoulder. Slowly, gently, he feels Junmyeon's hand sneak around the hem of his sleep shirt and his fingers travel up his stomach with a feather light touch. Minseok full out chuckles at his boyfriend.
"Kim Junmyeon." He says with a false voice that says he's sleepy. "What do you think you're doing?"
"I think you know."
Minseok doesn't even have to turn around to know that Junmyeon is sporting a lovely smirk on his lips. In one movement, Minseok turns himself around and presses down on Junmyeon.
"Yes, I think I do," he teases. He tilts his head to capture Junmyeon's laughing lips.
Minseok thinks that this is it. After all of it, there's still love.
The first time Minseok knew he was in love with Junmyeon was the first summer after they graduated college.
It wasn't an occasion or anything special.
They were walking side by side in the park next to the river after having dinner. The sun was moments away from setting and Minseok was happy.
There wasn't anything in particular that made him happy. He mused that nothing happened out of the ordinary all day, but here he was, feeling happier than he ever remembered being.
It made no sense and made Minseok stop in his tracks to consider things.
Junmyeon who had been excitedly talking about the new arcade he wanted to show Minseok stopped also. He looked back at Minseok with a curious expression. He looked so stupid but he also looked so cute. The afternoon sun radiated off of him. Minseok thought he was beautiful.
Rating: PG13
Warning: weight related self esteem issues
Wordcount: 6760
Summary: Based on Love After Love by Derek Walcott. Minseok's gone through love after love and after it all, well there's Junmyeon.
Author's Note:
Originally written for bluedreaming at teenyhyungs.
Thank you Anda for your wonderful prompts, especially the poems that came with it! This one is very different than what you had asked for, but I hope you enjoy it nonetheless! Special thanks to my lovely Ren for encouraging me to not scrap all of this and to keep going. Also for looking it over. Much love! <3
And as always, here is the unwonky formatted version. >___<
The alarm is ringing.
Minseok struggles to open his eyes. He makes it halfway with one eye open searching for the phone. At first, all he sees is a tuft of brown hair in his face. He turns away from the hair to where the phone seems to be. In the darkness the phone's interface makes it easy to locate. Minseok reaches out and brings it closer to his face, wincing at the brightness.
The phone says that it's six in the morning. Minseok wonders to himself what on earth he had to do so early today. He stares at the screen for a full minute before he realizes that it's not his phone.
The phone actually belongs to the person snuggled beside him in bed. Minseok turns to look at his boyfriend Junmyeon sleeping soundly, a bit curled into himself. He thinks Junmyeon looks really young like this and instinctively wants to bring him into his arms but he sighs because he has to do the opposite.
He pulls away from him and Junmyeon makes a small whining noise. Minseok stifles a small chuckle.
"Junmyeon," he calls out softly.
When he gets no response, he tries again. This time Junmyeon shudders and turns his body away from Minseok, curling into himself even more.
With another sigh, Minseok starts to lightly shake him. Junmyeon just ignores it. Minseok tries a little harder and finally he can see Junmyeon scrunch his entire face before slowly opening up his eyes. His drowsy eyes look over his shoulder to where Minseok is and Junmyeon pouts at him.
"What is it?"
His voice is scratchy and quiet and Minseok almost feels bad for waking him up. Almost but not quite.
"Your alarm went off."
Junmyeon's eyes blink slowly as he processes what Minseok just told him. He bolts out of bed, leaving Minseok wide eyed and gaping. He watches as Junmyeon jogs to the bathroom, clothes being chucked off his body along the way as he curses to himself. Climbing into the shower, he gives out a little yip and, "Cold!"
Minseok laughs out loud at his boyfriend and gets up off the bed to follow the trail of clothes, picking each piece up as he makes his way over to the bathroom.
When the door closes behind Junmyeon, Minseok is left standing there staring at the door. He keeps replaying what Junmyeon had said to him.
"The clothes I need are at my apartment so I have to stop by and change there, then go to work."
There's nothing out of the ordinary about it. This is Minseok's apartment, and that is Junmyeon's. But it still felt a bit strange to Minseok. Minseok's eyebrows furrow. It doesn't fit to him.
He pulls the chair closest to him from the dining table and sits down. Legs together, hands in his lap, he sits there, staring at the front door.
He thinks about the words. In his head. In his head, it sounds off. So he says it out loud. The beginning of it sounds okay but when he gets to "my", he stops.
My. My apartment. My.
His steady gaze starts to wander.
From the door, there are shoes. Many, many shoes. Some of them are sneakers. A couple of boat shoes. Some boots. Ones with tassels, one with spots. Baby blue and tan. Black converses. So many shoes and all of them are Junmyeon's.
Of course they're Junmyeon's. None of these shoes are Minseok's and he knows this because they're all stored in the shoe closet behind the door. Like his clothes, Junmyeon likes to leave his shoes where ever they may fall. Most of the time, that's in front of the door.
Anyone else, and Minseok would scold and demand that they at the very least line up their shoes properly. But Junmyeon, Minseok just chuckles at.
Minseok's eye catches the bookshelf.
On it, there are Minseok's books on coffee and architecture, but there's also a couple volumes of Junmyeon's favorite manga. Next to it is a framed picture of the two when they took a trip to Hong Kong and Junmyeon had insisted that they needed a picture with the giant rubber duck. For posterity's sake, he had argued.
Minseok chuckles at the memory and looks on. And as Minseok keeps looking, he keeps finding. Things that are his, and things that are Junmyeon's. As many things there are that are theirs individually, there are many more that are theirs together.
There's the TV that they had bought together. Minseok had wanted a moderate size, regular TV. Junmyeon took a whole night to convince him that a panoramic TV was much better. Minseok ended up agreeing.
Minseok looks a bit to the right of the TV.
There's a horrid ceramic sculpture they made on their fifth date. Junmyeon had wanted to do it because it was something of their own creation. Minseok thought it was horribly cheesy but he did it anyways. They had lots of fun and got very messy.
Minseok's eyes wander to the wall.
There's beautiful off white color on the walls of the living room. Junmyeon had wanted to hire professionals to come paint for the room. Minseok firmly said no and that they'd be doing it themselves. Junmyeon sputtered in indignation at being roped into it, but he was hardly complaining later on when Minseok kissed him silly against said-walls after they were done.
Minseok sits back on the chair and takes everything in at once. Yes, this is his apartment. It technically is. But this place, this home, it's theirs.
Minseok wonders briefly if Junmyeon ever thinks this. He must, he thinks.
He sits there taking more and more of the apartment in. As he contemplates he feels his blinks get slower. One blink, two blinks, and suddenly he feels himself drifting off. Minseok is sure he closes his eyes for only a second.
He hears the doorbell ring and his eyes bolt open.
He runs over to the door, wondering if perhaps Junmyeon forgot something. However, when he opens the door, he doesn't see Junmyeon.
The person he sees is a bit shorter than himself, a bit tanner, and a bit chubbier as well. Right before his eyes, Minseok is staring at his younger self.
The boy, Minseok, bites his bottom lip and shuffles his feet a little. He's looking down at the ground when he says, "Can I come in?"
Shocked, Minseok just opens and closes his mouth. There he is, his younger self, high school if Minseok remembers correctly, asking him if he can come inside.
"I-," the younger Minseok starts, "I'm a bit cold... and lonely... do you mind if I just come in for a bit?"
And the now-Minseok looks at the then-Minseok and without a second thought says, "Of course you can, this is your home." His eyebrows furrow. "You shouldn't have to even ask that."
The then-Minseok starts to say something, but shakes his head and shuffles in past Minseok. Minseok follows him along, quietly, and wonders what his past self could be doing on his doorstep.
The then-Minseok stands in the middle of the room, not knowing where to sit as he takes in his surroundings. He's wondering if this is what his life in the future looks like. And Minseok knows this because he is him. He is both of them.
"Hey," he says from behind then-Minseok. "Why don't you sit down, and I'll get you some soda?"
The then-Minseok winces at the mention of soda and instead shakily asks, "Can I just have water?"
Minseok's heart hurts at the question. Oh Minseok, you don't have to drink just water, when you clearly don't like it that much. "How about tea then?" Before Minseok can protest, "Tea has a lot of good properties for your body and it's mostly water."
And then-Minseok can't say anything back. He just simply bites his lip and sits down gingerly. Minseok walks to the kitchen and puts on the kettle. He comes back to Minseok sitting and looking down dejectedly. He wants to reach out and hug him.
"So hey," he starts off slowly. He doesn't want to scare him. "What're you up to, standing outside of your own house?" He hopes he said that lightly enough. He remembers the Minseok he was back then was not in a very good place.
"I..." He pauses for a long time.
"He left me."
Yes, Minseok remembers this. How could he not. You never forget the first time someone dumps you for another. He tries to look into the eyes of the then-Minseok. He has tears threatening to fall down, and Minseok can only hold out his hand for him.
The then-Minseok hesitantly places his hand in his grasp and holds on.
"It'll be okay." Minseok blurts out. He knows that doesn't help. He was there before and people had said that exact same thing. He hopes that if maybe it comes from himself, his future self, his past self could be a bit more relieved.
"I can't... I don't..."
And Minseok understands. It's been awhile since he's thought about it, but the him that's sitting in front of him makes it easier.
Minseok remembers the first boy he dated. Or rather, dated him. The boy was tall and handsome and assertive. He came to Minseok and chose him. Him, the chubby boy with a farmer's tan and no self-esteem, no self-worth. He chose him, out of all the other boys in their high school.
"I thought I was special."
He did, he really thought he was special. How else could he have gotten the resident bad boy to settle for him? And that's what it was, settling.
"He left me... and he said-"
"No. Don't listen to him. He was an asshole. He was just a boy who didn't know how to love someone. Don't listen to him!"
It made him angry to think about the stupid boy in high school who crushed him. He crushed him, smashed him, broke him so badly, with so much ferocity, that for the longest time, he couldn't look into a mirror without hating himself.
"You'll be better, I promise! You'll go to a great college and you'll find-"
A piercing sound cuts through his thoughts. The whistle from the kettle snaps him out of his rant. His mind reels from the rush and he shakes it off as he hurries into the kitchen to turn off the stove before it can give him a proper headache.
Once he's poured the tea, he walks back to the dining table, confused. He swore that he boiled water to make his drip coffee but instead, he has two cups of tea in his hands. He sits down at the empty table and looks at the two cups.
He supposes he can forgo his coffee today and drink both cups of tea instead.
"Hyung, over here!"
Minseok turns from where he's chatting with some friends to find Jongdae tugging along a stranger. He's lean and tall and very very-
"Pretty. Wow, he's really pretty," says Junmyeon from two people away.
Minseok nods, eyes still taking in Jongdae and his friend. His friend whose eyes seem to have a twinkle in them. He can't stop staring.
Jongdae breezily comments in passing later that Junmyeon was pouting a little. Minseok remembers laughing at that because he hadn't noticed at all.
Junmyeon hadn't noticed it at all. He had rushed into the apartment like a whirlwind, dropping everything he had and made way to the bathroom. He hadn't noticed that the key to the apartment fell out of his bag.
Minseok noticed. Picking up the key, he turns it over a few times in his palm and pockets the key. He doesn't know why he does it, but he does. There's a passcode on the door anyway, so Junmyeon doesn't necessarily need the key. It's just nice to have in case.
Later on during dinner, every once in awhile, when he shifts in his seat, he can feel the key burn in his pocket and he feels guilty.
It makes him lose his appetite.
A few days later, Minseok comes back from work and he's exhausted, hungry and cranky. Junmyeon's handling food today so Minseok has some time to himself. He flops onto the couch, tips his head back and closes his eyes for a second.
There's a rustle.
Minseok looks up and sitting toe to toe with him is Minseok. College Minseok. College Minseok who smiles wider and is skinnier. Significantly skinnier.
Minseok doesn't remember ever looking like that.
College Minseok smiles at him and offers, "I'm exercising now."
"Yes... I can see that." Minseok wants to cry. He can see more than just that. He can see his own ribs. He can see his collarbones. He can see his taut skin over his cheekbones. He wants to cry for all the times he looked in the mirror at 19 and didn't see any of that.
"You don't have to-"
"Exercise? I know, lots of people say that to me. But they don't understand."
I understand, Minseok wants to say. Because he does. He really does.
"I don't want to go back... to that."
"That boy-"
"It's not about him. It's about me. I'm... not right."
No, you are just right. You are more than right. Minseok wants to say all these things to him but he doesn't know how to get to him. Before he can open his mouth to protest, Minseok's stomach growls.
He immediately hugs his stomach, blushing furiously, about to explain, but Minseok cuts him off. "I made food! Just eat a little! You can always just exercise extra to get rid of the calories."
Minseok knows this works. This excuse was how his friends made sure he ate back then. He waits for Minseok to nod, before he pads over to his kitchen.
He takes the roasting chicken out of the oven and cuts a large piece to put onto a plate of already hot and steaming pasta. As he brings the plate out, he wonders vaguely to himself where he got the time to cook.
"Here," he says as he lays the plate down in front of Minseok. He can see Minseok's eyes shine with want at the food, and he gestures for him to eat. With a defeated sigh, Minseok starts to eat.
Minseok watches intently at him eating. He looks so happy eating. He bites into the chicken carefully and Minseok smiles at the way his cheeks bunch up and move up and down as he eats. Minseok understands why his best friend always wanted to eat with him. He makes eating anything look delicious.
He doesn't know how long it is that he watches him eat for, but soon the plate is empty and Minseok looks disgusted. Worried, he asks him what's wrong.
"I can't believe... I feel so...." He looks like he wants to throw up and Minseok abruptly stands up and pulls him into a hug.
"Wha-"
"You're not going to die if you eat. It's okay to exercise, and it's okay to not to. But it's never okay to not eat." He says sternly to the boy in his arms.
Minseok starts crying.
"I know, I know-" he starts babbling. "I know, but I just- I need to show him. Show him that I am better. Than him. Than that boy. And it's stupid and I shouldn't but I- I- I need this. I need to do this."
And Minseok finds tears streaming down his own face. That stupid boy that broke him. Left him so broken that he started to break himself thinking it would make him better.
"I know- I know- I should eat... Junmyeon.. and L-" He starts sobbing. "They always tell me to eat and they always accompany me to things and Jongdae always asks me to go out for food and-"
Minseok hugs the boy closer to him. College had given him access to a gym 24/7 but it also made him an addict. Minseok is glad to have found people, especially his best friends and Junmyeon who helped him.
"I'm disgusting."
Minseok wants to protest further, but thankfully this time, Minseok had only meant his clothes. Minseok looks down and somehow both their clothes are dirty.
"Um, we can shower..."
Minseok blushes and says, "This is your house... You.... can go first."
Minseok laughs, "This house is ours. Don't be silly. Here." He takes Minseok by the shoulders and nudges him towards the backroom. "Go first!"
Minseok looks back at him, before disappearing behind the bathroom door. Minseok chuckles at himself before his stomach growls so intensely, it gives him a start.
A hand cups his face. "Hey."
Minseok bleary looks up at Junmyeon's smiling face.
"Hungry?"
"Hm." Minseok sits up from the couch, taking in his surrounding. He's in the living room and Junmyeon has already ordered chicken and there are some cold beers on the table. The tv shows the menu to the latest superhero flick they've been meaning to watch.
"Hey, go wash your face, yeah? I got everything set up already."
Minseok nods and pads his way over to the bathroom. He splashes his face with a bit of water and catches himself in the mirror. He smiles at himself and returns to the living room to where Junmyeon is.
Junmyeon calls Minseok after he’s finished with work. Minseok is really sitting at home but he tells Junmyeon that he’s out and about and maybe they should meet up at Junmyeon’s apartment for dinner, since he’s in the area.
Junmyeon makes a small noise that if it was someone else, they would’ve ignored. But it’s Minseok and he knows that Junmyeon is a bit surprised.
“Alright then, I’ll meet you there. You have the key?”
Minseok looks at the key in his hand. “Yes I have it.”
“And the door code is-“
“Oh I know, Junmyeon.” Junmyeon laughs on the other side of the line and Minseok smiles, shaking his head. Junmyeon is anything if not sentimental.
When Minseok arrives at Junmyeon's apartment, he cringes. It's beyond messy, and not only that, there's dust almost everywhere. Minseok fights the urge to start cleaning right away.
He sits down carefully on the couch, in case there are legos or a figurine somewhere under all the blankets strewn over it. He would be more bothered but the blanket has a faint smell of Junmyeon and it calms Minseok down.
While it may smell faintly of Junmyeon, Minseok still thinks that the other apartment is more Junmyeon than this one will ever be. Beyond the mess, there's not much here anyway.
Minseok worries his lips and pulls out a ribbon. It's purple on one side and gold on the other. It was exorbitantly pricey for a small piece of ribbon but they're Junmyeon's favorite colors. He doesn't know why he bought it but his other hand pulls out Junmyeon's key, the one to the other apartment.
He stuffs both away before he gets carried away and decides that this place is too messy and it's messing with his mood. He shuffles around until he finds an apron and some gloves.
When Junmyeon gets home, he makes sure to take a picture and coo at how cute his boyfriend is as he changes his kakao display picture. Minseok gives him a look. Somehow Junmyeon ends up in the apron and gloves and Minseok smiles cheekily at him.
Jongdae sends a message later to tell them they're disgusting.
After cleaning Junmyeon's apartment, Minseok thought since he was already at it, he might as well clean his as well. He woke up early and cleaned everything in the living room to the kitchn until lunchtime. After lunch, he came back and started with his closet.
He starts with the back of the closet and finds a whole wall of boxes. Large moving boxes, small gift boxes, shoe boxes. Most of them were empty or had things he didn't need. He made throw away piles and keep piles and honestly, most of it was being thrown away.
He's looking through the boxes when one catches his eyes. He opens and reads a letter. A shiver runs down his spine. He picks up another one and his mouth goes dry. He leans back against the wall of the closet with the box in his lap.
He had forgotten about this box. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. Suddenly, he feels tired. So so tired.
When he opens his eyes
There's photos and letters everywhere. Upon closer look, they're pictures of him and his best friend, and he swallows the breath in this throat. Looking up, he sees himself, tears streaming down his face, and in his lap is the old shoe box.
Minseok remembers the day he knew to start leaving behind his former love, his best friend.
Junmyeon came over to his house after his internship so that they could marathon the Iron Man movies. It was something they kept saying they should do, and Minseok finally decided that they would actually do something for once.
Minseok was a bit nervous actually having Junmyeon over. He wasn't sure what his feelings were. After turning Junmyeon down all those months ago, they're just friends now. Just friends who only see each other at gatherings. This would really be the first time that they were spending alone with each other since then. Minseok told himself that it's nothing, just two friends hanging out.
Minseok now, thinks about their DVD collection, and just how far from the truth that was.
The doorbell rang at an hour after Junmyeon left his internship. Minseok glanced over to check one last time to make sure he had all the pizza, popcorn, fried chicken, and beer that they could need for the movies. He hoped it was enough.
He opened the door to see Junmyeon smiling at him with his tie undone and the sleeves on his collared shirt rolled up. He ruffled his hair and pouted at Minseok. Minseok laughed as Junmyeon came in and toed his shoes off and made way to the living room. He looked very ready to unwind and watch the movie.
However, when Minseok arrived in the living room, Junmyeon was simply standing in one spot awkwardly. Minseok raised an eyebrow at him in question.
"I," he began slowly. "I didn't know where I'm supposed to sit. Like here or there or..." He gestures obscurely to various places in the room and, "I mean, um, this is my first time here. I didn't know what.. was appropriate?"
It hurt Minseok a bit to know that Junmyeon was so cautious around him, but he guessed that it was only natural considering what happened between them. But he didn't want it to be more awkward than it has to be. After all, they were only friends hanging out.
Minseok gave Junmyeon a chuckle, and with both hands on his shoulders, playfully pushed him to the big couch. "Here is good. Right in front of the TV."
Junmyeon laughed at that.
In-between the first and second movie, Minseok stood up to get more beer for the two of them from the kitchen. He gestured to Junmyeon to pop in the next DVD while he does so. The tension eased a lot by then but Junmyeon stopped talking suddenly. Minseok poked his head out from the kitchen to see why.
Junmyeon stood by the shelf with the open DVD box in hands. He looked up at Minseok with a strange expression on his face. "Um."
"What is it?" Minseok asked curiously.
"Uh, there's no DVD in here. It's-" Junmyeon paused and looked down with his eyebrows furrowed. He continued with a light tone in his voice, "It's just a bunch of polaroids."
"Oh." Those must be pictures of him and Lu Han. He pursed his lips. This is probably not a good time for this to happen.
"Um, so the DVD isn't in there?" He tried to steer the conversation away from the pictures. He felt uncomfortable with Junmyeon standing there, with those pictures in his hands.
Junmyeon shakes his head and closes the DVD box. "Nope." He paused. "Is there anywhere else it might be?"
Minseok thought it might be in a different DVD box, but he himself can't remember if there are more pictures lying around. He worried his bottom lip in thought.
He doesn't remember how long he was thinking for, but he looked up when Junmyeon cleared his throat. "Hm, maybe we should end here for today."
Before Minseok could protest, Junmyeon continued with, "I'm a bit tired from my internship, so actually I think I want to rest early today."
Minseok opens his mouth but Junmyeon gives Minseok a bright smile. "Next time, we can do it at my house. I mean, it's not as clean as yours, but I have all the movie files on my computer and I can just hook it up."
Before Minseok can stop him, Junmyeon started to shuffle around the room, half gathering his belongs, half cleaning up some of the mess. Minseok can only walk over and stop Junmyeon from cleaning before he says, "Yeah, that sounds good. No need to clean, you're a guest. Let me."
And so Junmyeon let go of everything and walked silently towards the door. He puts his shoes on and turns to Minseok who stood there and watched him. "Thanks for having me over. I had fun." He gives Minseok one of those smiles that makes his eyes disappear and Minseok can only smile back at him.
When Junmyeon is gone, Minseok quietly puts all the remaining food away and turns off the TV. Then he stood there in silence in the middle of his living room until he turns to look at the DVD. He reaches and holds it in his hand. He opens it and the polaroids fall out, onto the floor.
There's one of his face and Lu Han's smooshed together. There's another of Minseok's eyes only. Another with hands intertwined. One with tangled legs. One with lips kissing.
Minseok's breath gets stuck in his chest when he sees the last picture. He turns away and holds a hand up to his heart. It throbs and aches and Minseok doesn't feel good.
He doesn't know what possessed him, but that night he turned his apartment inside out to find every single picture that he and Lu Han took together. After hours, he has them compiled in a pile on the floor.
His heart tells him to burn everything. His mind tells him it's a bad idea. His heart says it hurts. His mind tells him that it won't always.
And so Minseok sits cross-legged on the floor and stares at the pile. After what seemed like hours, Minseok picks up the courage to pick up the photo on top. He looks at it and lets himself remember.
He lets himself remember the happiness captured in the photos and the person he was back then. And when he's finished with that one, he picks up another. He sits there and goes through every single one of the photos and allows him, for the final time for the foreseeable future, to reminisce the good times that he took for granted.
After he's finished, he gathers up all the photos and sticks them into an old shoebox he found. He finds a spot for the box in the back of his closet. When he closes the closet door, he says goodbye to Lu Han.
He won't forget Lu Han, or the Minseok that was with Lu Han, but he decides that now is the best time to let it go.
"Minseok- Minseok-" He tries to rush over to the crying boy. What originally seemed like the closet he's always known had suddenly become bigger and more vast.The photos and love letters look like paper, but wading through them felt like wet sand.
"He- He was my best friend!"
He's clutching to a photo in one hand and a post-it in another.
"I know, Minseok but-"
"He was supposed to love me" he says weakly.
"He did! He does!"
"Why would he leave me then?"
"Look- just-" He finally reaches Minseok and throws his arms around Minseok, holding his back to his chest. Minseok hands come up to grab his arms, still clutching the items from before. He smoothes his hands over the clenched fists, hoping that he would let go.
"Why-why-"
"Listen, listen-" He leans closer to Minseok's ear and leans his head against Minseok's own. "He loves you."
"No." It was a quiet and full of hurt. "Then why did he leave me?"
"He had to, he explained to you and-"
"He told me-" A choke, another sob. "Some stupid thing about fate and destiny and-"
Minseok closes his eyes. "To have fate but not destiny." He knows these words by heart. Lu Han had said it to him, said it to him at the time and he hadn't understood. He hadn't wanted to understand.
"You two... are best friends. You'll always be your best friend."
"If even my best friend couldn't love me, how can anyone?"
"No no no" He hugs Minseok closer. "No, that's not how it goes. there will be others."
"I don't want others, I just want him. Just one. Just the only one. I thought he loved me and now who will."
He shushes Minseok. "No no you're right. Not 'others'. Just one, but you can. You can love yourself."
"No!" Minseok cries out weakly. "No. No. My best friend, my boyfriend."
"Listen, listen, he'll come back."
"Then we can be together?"
"No, no no, you won't. Because he's your best friend, but he's not your love. And he's right. You two were fated to meet, but not to be together."
"Why!" Minseok is wailing now. He is a bit surprised at the outburst, but maybe this is what he looked like back then. When he tries to remember that time, it's all a haze to him.
"Minseok, please. Love yourself. And after that..."
Junmyeon.
They're over at Jongdae's house. Jongdae is talking to him about his new teaching plan when he feels the couch dip down right next to him. Without thinking, he reaches a hand to his side and cups Junmyeon’s face. He can’t see his face from the way he’s sitting but he smiles when he feels a soft press of lips to the inside of his wrist.
Jongdae grimaces. “Can you guys not?”
“What?”
“Can you not do that happy-in-love-we’re-very-domestic thing?”
Minseok’s eyebrows shoot up beyond his fringe and Junmyeon stifles a laughter behind him. “We are not-“
Jongdae fakes a vomiting sound. Minseok rolls his eyes but he finds he likes the way that sounds. He shifts to look at Junmyeon and he's smiling back at him as he hooks their pinkies.
The key in Minseok's pocket feels warm.
Back at the apartment, Minseok and Junmyeon dance around each other as they both try to cook their own respective dishes. Junmyeon somehow already has all his ingredients out and Minseok is left by the refrigerator, trying to find his ingredients. All he needs now is milk and somehow they have ran out.
Minseok closes the refrigerator door and looks at Junmyeon. He is happily humming to himself as he chops up some spring onions. Minseok grins to himself mischievously and walks over to Junmyeon.
He wraps his arms around Junmyeon's waist and rests his head on his shoulder. Junmyeon turns to him with a curious expression. Minseok bites the bottom of his lip and tries to say in the most serious of tones, "Junmyeon, we have to talk. I have something to tell you."
Junmyeon's eyes widen and he turns his whole body around to face Minseok. He looks at him with anticipation.
"I think it's time we-"
Before he can finish, Junmyeon's eyes light up as he yelps, "Officially move in together?"
He throws his arms around Minseok's neck and pulls him in for a bruising kiss that lasts for so long that Minseok thinks he might pass out from no air. When Junmyeon lets him go, Minseok pulls back to see Junmyeon's eyes looking back at him with such brilliance it reminds him of starlight.
Minseok is a bit shocked. He hadn't anticipated Junmyeon's reaction but well he's not entirely surprised either. He rolls with it.
He licks his bottom lip and says with a wiggle of his eyebrows, "Well I was going to say that it was time we go get more milk, but moving in together works too."
He watches with amusement as his boyfriend's face starts to get red and he opens his mouth. Minseok is sure he's going to start sputtering soon, so he pulls him in for another kiss. This time, the kiss is soft and makes his heart reel. When it ends, Minseok whispers against Junmyeon's lips, "Let's do it."
He pulls the key he had since tied the nice ribbon onto earlier that week out of his pocket. Before he thought it was silly and that it was unnecessary. He made reason after reason, and excuse after excuse, but now, it feels right. He takes the key and presses it into Junmyeon's hand.
"Let's move in together."
And this time, Junmyeon almost cries.
Today is the day.
Minseok doesn’t even know why he’s nervous. It’s not as if he doesn’t already see Junmyeon every day. It’s not as if they haven’t been sharing the same bowls, the same toothpaste, and the same bed for however long it’s been. It’s not that they haven’t done that.
But he’s nervous.
Because now it’s not that they are sharing Minseok’s things. They are sharing their things. It’s their bowls together, it’s their toothpaste they bought together, and now it’s their bed.
Theirs.
Whoever said moving in together is not a big deal is wrong.
He hears the elevator from beyond the front door and he stands up. His palms are sweaty, and he chides himself. Why is this happening?
He steps closer to the door and waits for Junmyeon to put the key in and turn the doorknob, but it never comes. Curious he gets closer to the door, and turns on the intercom screen.
Junmyeon is standing there with big boxes all around him, a large one in one arm. His other arm is outreached, lightly resting on the number pad of the door. Even from the intercom screen, Minseok can see that Junmyeon is wavering. He’s staring at the number pad, biting his lip with a hint of worry.
Minseok’s heart skips a beat.
Quickly, he throws open the door sporting as big of a smile as he can manage. Looking at Junmyeon’s wide shocked eyes makes him laugh a little. That in turn makes Junmyeon laugh too. There’s a silence for a while and Minseok reaches out and takes Junmyeon’s box out of his hands and places it down inside.
Turning back around they smile shyly at each other before Minseok takes both of Junmyeon’s hands and tugs. They end up with Minseok’s arms on Junmyeon’s shoulders and Junmyeon’s own arms just under his shoulder blades.
Gazing tentatively at Junmyeon, Minseok says, “Welcome home.”
As if almost of out relief, Junmyeon breaks out into a bright smile.
Minseok has seen his share of handsome people. Tall, broad shoulders, deep voice that told him things like “you’re mine” and others have said to him with sparkling eyes, “you’re so beautiful” but those words are incomparable to what Junmyeon says next.
“I’m home.”
Yes, he is.
Later on, a warm breath ghosts over his neck. Junmyeon had shifted closer to Minseok on the bed. He wraps his arm around Minseok's waist, tugging him backwards, so that their bodies have no space between each other.
Minseok smiles as he feels Junmyeon place a kiss on the nape of his neck. He grins when Junmyeon kisses around his neck next. A lip bite when Junmyeon kiss his shoulder. Slowly, gently, he feels Junmyeon's hand sneak around the hem of his sleep shirt and his fingers travel up his stomach with a feather light touch. Minseok full out chuckles at his boyfriend.
"Kim Junmyeon." He says with a false voice that says he's sleepy. "What do you think you're doing?"
"I think you know."
Minseok doesn't even have to turn around to know that Junmyeon is sporting a lovely smirk on his lips. In one movement, Minseok turns himself around and presses down on Junmyeon.
"Yes, I think I do," he teases. He tilts his head to capture Junmyeon's laughing lips.
Minseok thinks that this is it. After all of it, there's still love.
The first time Minseok knew he was in love with Junmyeon was the first summer after they graduated college.
It wasn't an occasion or anything special.
They were walking side by side in the park next to the river after having dinner. The sun was moments away from setting and Minseok was happy.
There wasn't anything in particular that made him happy. He mused that nothing happened out of the ordinary all day, but here he was, feeling happier than he ever remembered being.
It made no sense and made Minseok stop in his tracks to consider things.
Junmyeon who had been excitedly talking about the new arcade he wanted to show Minseok stopped also. He looked back at Minseok with a curious expression. He looked so stupid but he also looked so cute. The afternoon sun radiated off of him. Minseok thought he was beautiful.