(no subject)
The last four or five months have been hard for me. Not as in bearing a lot, but as in, I'm getting older, it's harder to ask myself the questions I need to ask. I wrote this poem about this past summer:
Waiting for Seneh in Maricopa
somewhere in the desert
I am afraid I lost hope
Between the stares and the heat
The stories and the bright sun
The yelling shaking heads
shaking hands and not meaning it
listening and not hearing
my imagination collapsing in effort
just a little different
clinging to one more break one more hour one more dollar
is what I could do this for
oh there was so much power
in all of us
when it was all of us
but alone
I am afraid
and especially
of losing hope
Last spring, I really pushed myself to make changes in my life that needed to happen. I asked myself what was most important to me. What did I really want to pay attention to? What did I want to learn? I learned that I needed to take care of myself. I needed to really give priority to the things that are important to me: learning, justice, love. It was harder for me to pay attention now to less important things I used to obsess about. These past couple months, I've lost direction. I was so sad after this summer. I had come head-to-head with my own idealism about people and the world. Coming down to earth was humanizing, but I don't know how to equip myself. When you know nothing is perfect, what can you believe in? Like an organizer this summer told me, we have to constantly recreate a desire to make change, and I think that applies in the changes I also want to make in my life. I really want to go back to school and LEARN, do what I am supposed to do. I have to stop making excuses for why I'm not putting my heart into my work. I have to stop making excuses for not taking advantage of being around so many smart, amazing people.
Waiting for Seneh in Maricopa
somewhere in the desert
I am afraid I lost hope
Between the stares and the heat
The stories and the bright sun
The yelling shaking heads
shaking hands and not meaning it
listening and not hearing
my imagination collapsing in effort
just a little different
clinging to one more break one more hour one more dollar
is what I could do this for
oh there was so much power
in all of us
when it was all of us
but alone
I am afraid
and especially
of losing hope
Last spring, I really pushed myself to make changes in my life that needed to happen. I asked myself what was most important to me. What did I really want to pay attention to? What did I want to learn? I learned that I needed to take care of myself. I needed to really give priority to the things that are important to me: learning, justice, love. It was harder for me to pay attention now to less important things I used to obsess about. These past couple months, I've lost direction. I was so sad after this summer. I had come head-to-head with my own idealism about people and the world. Coming down to earth was humanizing, but I don't know how to equip myself. When you know nothing is perfect, what can you believe in? Like an organizer this summer told me, we have to constantly recreate a desire to make change, and I think that applies in the changes I also want to make in my life. I really want to go back to school and LEARN, do what I am supposed to do. I have to stop making excuses for why I'm not putting my heart into my work. I have to stop making excuses for not taking advantage of being around so many smart, amazing people.