Restless Nights
I stare out my window across the street, towards the christmas lights flickering monotonously against the shingles. Those restless lights are in my direct gaze, but my true focus is the sidewalk beside my home. I watch relentlessly, hoping to see your silhouette appear from the shadow of the palo verde. Every night I gaze, even though I know I will never see your familiar shadow. Only fairy tales end such. But I still watch, night after night, or even wait for the rock thrown against my window as I lie awake under my covers. What has become of me? Why does it torture me so greatly? How can I love you and hate you so much?
I can not make it one day without the slightest thought of you. These days have added up to months, now over a year. What's a girl to do? Foolishly, I cling to my pride, or is it my own cowardice? Being my usual self, I shift the blame. What a fool I am, truly--my feet cemented to these steps I walk every day of my life. I cling to my daily routines, making no time but for those in my family. Other than those 3, I keep all at a distance--hoping to shield myself from pain inflicted one time too many. I create my bubble, purposely outcasting myself. I claim I like it better that way, but is it true?
I've had so many chances to move on to someone new--to push you out of my memories--but I can't. None of them measure up, and how I wish they did. I can't replace you, and yet I can't have you. What a paradox. All I can do is cry over you, and cling tightly to my pride like I have. I don't want to hurt anymore. I just want to be free. I want clarity. I want just one night where I can fall asleep without thinking of your arms around me--without longing for my first kiss. The one I still save for you.
I just want to be free.
I can not make it one day without the slightest thought of you. These days have added up to months, now over a year. What's a girl to do? Foolishly, I cling to my pride, or is it my own cowardice? Being my usual self, I shift the blame. What a fool I am, truly--my feet cemented to these steps I walk every day of my life. I cling to my daily routines, making no time but for those in my family. Other than those 3, I keep all at a distance--hoping to shield myself from pain inflicted one time too many. I create my bubble, purposely outcasting myself. I claim I like it better that way, but is it true?
I've had so many chances to move on to someone new--to push you out of my memories--but I can't. None of them measure up, and how I wish they did. I can't replace you, and yet I can't have you. What a paradox. All I can do is cry over you, and cling tightly to my pride like I have. I don't want to hurt anymore. I just want to be free. I want clarity. I want just one night where I can fall asleep without thinking of your arms around me--without longing for my first kiss. The one I still save for you.
I just want to be free.