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Pain of Memory Chapter 18/??
Getting close to the end of this arc. Yes I have a sequel planned.
Fandom: Weiss Side B
Pairing: Aya/Ken/Chloe
Rating: PG-R
Beta: Myself so please be kind.
AN: Sorry it took so long.
Pain of Memory Chapter 18
Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear
Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.
I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turned their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
You'll slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed
Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
Fallen by Sarah McLachlan
(song suggested by Gillian. Love ya dear!)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The incessant beeping woke me from an uneasy sleep. My body felt heavy and unresponsive as I lay there with my eyes closed. The lethargy I experienced was as familiar as an old friend. Drug induced slumber had its advantages.
No pain.
No thought.
No recriminations.
I was in a place I didn’t choose to leave. But then when am I ever given a choice? Being poked and prodded made the darkness I sought unattainable. Reluctantly I tried to force my gritty eyes to open. God I was tired. I didn’t want to face everyone and see the disappointment in their eyes. The pity that I was sure would be heaped in my direction. I took a cautious breath and shuddered. Grateful that I’d not needed a breathing tube this time. It seemed as though my lung had not collapsed despite getting hit by a bullet. I’d never forget the feeling of drowning in my own blood. This time the wound hurt like a bitch but not like so long ago. It seemed like a lifetime away. Omi and I were not even together yet and my long recovery made us closer then we’d ever been before.
Cautiously I ran a hand over my heavily bandaged chest.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I dimly recalled lying on an examination table in the clinic. The doctor checking me over and telling my team that he could not treat me there. Out of necessity they’d had to leave while Dr. Price called an ambulance and reported me as the victim of a mugging. Aya protested and literally had to be dragged out of the room before they got there to pick me up. He’d placed a desperate kiss on the corner of my mouth despite the doctor’s frown. Chloe stroked my cheek once then kissed me too before exiting out the back door of the clinic.
After that things got kinda hazy and jumbled. The ride to the hospital was a blur. I tried to answer the nurse’s questions as I was whisked out of the ambulance. Being there alone brought back too many memories and I found it hard to breathe again despite the oxygen mask. On the verge of panicking I tried to sit up and claw the constricting straps off my arms.
Stranger’s voices pleaded with me to calm down. That they weren’t going to hurt me. But they weren’t the voices I longed to hear. Irrational with pain and fear I thought they’d abandoned me. I barely heard the debate going on around me. The argument from the doctors wanting to sedate me despite the dangers. I gritted my teeth and closed my eyes to try and shut out all the noise and confusion. I didn’t want to be here.
“Just let me see him. I can get him to calm down.” An angry voice that I knew as well as my own had me looking frantically around the room.
“And you are?” A snappish female voice demanded.
“I’m family plus I have his medical history. Now let me see him!” Aya’s no nonsense tone had cowered lesser women than that nurse.
“Let him in. What harm can it do? I’d rather not administer any drugs until we can assess his condition.” One of the doctors tiredly answered.
There he was…oh god I was relieved to see Aya. I’d gladly take another bullet if it meant that he’d still be here. I hurt, was scared and weary and for now just wanted to see his face. I’d try and deal with all the other shit later. Even his frowning expression was a welcome sight. I tried to raise my hand when he approached the gurney. The bastards had it strapped to the metal railing. Despite that he grasped my cold hand in his and our fingers laced together.
“Ken I’m here. You have to calm down and let them treat you.” His other hand I was amazed to see shook slightly as he cupped my cheek. “Can you do that?”
All I could manage was a nod and soon I was swarming with nurses. They unstrapped my arms and pulled me away from Aya. I was transferred onto an examination table and another IV inserted into my arm. This one fed life giving red fluid back into my veins. The bandages unwound so the doctor could examine the bullet wound. I didn’t mean to but when I lost sight of Aya I started to panic again.
I knew they were seriously breaking protocol by letting a civilian in the trauma room but after one nurse moved out of the way I saw him standing against the wall by the door. His back was ramrod straight and his arms wrapped around his middle. Uncharacteristically the worry clearly etched on his face.
I locked eyes with him and mouthed. “I’m sorry.”
Aya shook his head and before I could decipher the meaning some asshole prodded the hole I had in my chest. The noise in the room faded to a dull roar and blackness closed in.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Now I lay here in a drug filled stupor. The quiet but efficient attentions of the nurse ended and I wanted nothing more than to sink back down into oblivion. My eyes tried to focus on the white ceiling. I really hated the color white. Its association with hospital rooms and the representation of our name is what made it so loathsome. Weiss…like what we did could be considered pristine like the color. Killing was killing. Vigilantes above the law murdering those who society saw as unredeemable. What made us better than them?
Oh sure our targets were rapists, murderers, drug dealers and other types of scum. But they were people too. I was conditioned not to question too much or protest too strongly. Really though what other choice did I have?
Well that was not essentially true any more. In the old days Kritiker would have put down as assassin like me. Taken out the trash so to speak. I’d have become a target due to my instability. Truly I had no idea what was to happen to me now.
I sighed and painfully turned my head to look around the room. A private room…I guess KR was footing the bill. The dim room did not hold much else than the bed I lay in, a side table, a couple of chairs and a closed door to what I assumed was the bathroom. Not that I’d need one any time soon. The slight burn of the catheter made me want to squirm uncomfortably.
Disappointment made my chest ache more than the hole from the bullet. I was alone and perhaps rightfully so. Why would Weiss want to have anything to do with me now? I’d fucked up big time. In some deep part of my mind a little voice was shrieking for me to try and get up. To flee before the men in white coats came to lock up the crazy berserker.
Laughable as that line of thinking turned out to be. I was stuck here for now. The quietness of the room, except for the various machines they had me hooked to, started to get to me. As much as I’d pushed everyone away I truly hated to be alone. Lately I did not like myself very much and with such poor company I morosely brooded. It appeared Aya rubbed off on me more than I expected. He was a champion brooder and I just didn’t have the knack.
I also had no idea what time it was or how long I’d been here. I looked around the room for a clock but all that adorned the walls were some nauseatingly cheerful scenery prints. Fuck! I hated this. Then I decided to sit up.
Big mistake!
My whole chest lit up with a fiery burning pain. My hand tangled in some of the wires and I pulled one free by accident. The heart monitor at my bedside went wild. Oh shit…
Not more than ten seconds later my room was filled with people. Well I said I hated being alone hadn’t I?
Then I was poked, prodded and yelled at all over again. It all became hazy and I just wanted them all to leave. I paid no attention what so ever to the doctor telling me not to move around too much. Well all right I heard that much before tuning him out completely. He went on and on about near misses and that I was lucky to be alive. Blah, Blah, Blah…lucky me? Yeah right.
I looked desperately around the room for something else to get my mind off the Doctor’s incessant chatter.
Then I saw them.
Aya and Chloe.
Standing right inside the door looking totally panicked. I stared. I couldn’t help myself.
It was obvious to me when the alarms went off on my heart monitor that they’d come running fearing the worst. It was gratifying to see that I hadn’t been abandoned after all.
It gave me an odd sort of satisfaction to see Aya so visibly upset. But then he’d been with me in the emergency room until I’d lost consciousness again. I could tell they wanted to be at my bedside but the room still held too many prying eyes.
I dropped my gaze first. Guilt over my actions ate at me. I deserved to be called a fool. Aya almost died because of my mistake.
Eventually the room cleared. I was left alone with my former lovers. At a total loss as to what to do. It would have been easier if they’d just leave. But when has my life ever been easy? My heart started to pound with anxiety.
What would Aya and Chloe do?
My chest started to ache horribly and I realized that I was holding my breath. I gasped as a spasm of pain radiated out from my gunshot wound. In desperation I fumbled for the little button I knew would deliver mind and body numbing drugs to my battered body.
I’d barely gotten the button pushed when they both crossed the room. Time seemed to have stood still as we waited for someone to breach the final distance.
“Ken.”
Chloe leaned over the bed and his hands rested on either side of my face. His eyes bore into mine.
“Don’t! You! Ever! Scare me like that again! I thought you were dead! I…I thought I’d lost you both!”
Chloe seemed to wilt after his harsh little speech. His hands clenched my shoulders tightly. His grip hurt and I tried not to hiss in pain. He hid his face against my neck and awkwardly I raised my hand to stroke his baby fine hair.
His gulping breaths stirred the hair at the nape of my neck and I felt moisture soaking the collar of my hospital gown. Now the crisis was averted he’d let himself fall apart. As fucked up as I was I couldn’t turn him away.
“I’m sorry.” I whispered and pulled him closer. He half lay on the bed now pressed up to my good side.
I risked a glance up at Aya. His face set in a stony mask not letting any emotion at all leak through. But his posture was too ramrod straight. Once again the arms wrapped around his middle let me know how barely in control Aya really was. I’d had years to learn how to decipher his body language.
He wanted to reach out to me but couldn’t bridge the final gap.
I desperately wanted him to hold me as well. To murmur reassurance in my ear that everything was going to be ok. But I knew better. This temporary reprieve was but a brief moment in my fucked up life.
Could I reach out to him instead? Could I shove all my guilt, fear and self loathing aside to take that final step?
Chloe clung to me as I tried to make a choice.
Before I even got the chance Aya’s pain filled eyes took one last long look at me.
Then he turned away and walked out of the room.
The medication started to kick in making me woozy. I reached one hand out to Aya’s retreating back.
He never saw the gesture as the door closed behind him.
“Ran…”
My tear filled exclamation got Chloe’s attention. He sat up and looked towards the door. A frown marred his pale, tired face as he sighed.
“Ken let me go and talk to him.”
“He’s made his choice. You don’t have to stay either.” I silently begged for oblivion from the pain killers. I just couldn’t take it anymore.
Then a loud crash from the hallway had us both looking towards the door. It sounded as if something had fallen over and spilled with an extremely jarring clatter.
“I’ll be right back.” Chloe pressed a kiss to my slack mouth and got off the bed.
Chloe left the door open as he went out into the hallway. From my limited vantage point, half propped up in bed, I saw dirty dishes scattered and broken across the hallway floor.
Voices raised in anger disturbed the normal hushed hospital atmosphere. Something thudded into the wall beside my door and Free’s low voice penetrated the noise.
Free telling someone to calm down before he got thrown out or arrested for making a scene.
Aya.
Getting close to the end of this arc. Yes I have a sequel planned.
Fandom: Weiss Side B
Pairing: Aya/Ken/Chloe
Rating: PG-R
Beta: Myself so please be kind.
AN: Sorry it took so long.
Pain of Memory Chapter 18
Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear
Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.
I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turned their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
You'll slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed
Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
Fallen by Sarah McLachlan
(song suggested by Gillian. Love ya dear!)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The incessant beeping woke me from an uneasy sleep. My body felt heavy and unresponsive as I lay there with my eyes closed. The lethargy I experienced was as familiar as an old friend. Drug induced slumber had its advantages.
No pain.
No thought.
No recriminations.
I was in a place I didn’t choose to leave. But then when am I ever given a choice? Being poked and prodded made the darkness I sought unattainable. Reluctantly I tried to force my gritty eyes to open. God I was tired. I didn’t want to face everyone and see the disappointment in their eyes. The pity that I was sure would be heaped in my direction. I took a cautious breath and shuddered. Grateful that I’d not needed a breathing tube this time. It seemed as though my lung had not collapsed despite getting hit by a bullet. I’d never forget the feeling of drowning in my own blood. This time the wound hurt like a bitch but not like so long ago. It seemed like a lifetime away. Omi and I were not even together yet and my long recovery made us closer then we’d ever been before.
Cautiously I ran a hand over my heavily bandaged chest.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I dimly recalled lying on an examination table in the clinic. The doctor checking me over and telling my team that he could not treat me there. Out of necessity they’d had to leave while Dr. Price called an ambulance and reported me as the victim of a mugging. Aya protested and literally had to be dragged out of the room before they got there to pick me up. He’d placed a desperate kiss on the corner of my mouth despite the doctor’s frown. Chloe stroked my cheek once then kissed me too before exiting out the back door of the clinic.
After that things got kinda hazy and jumbled. The ride to the hospital was a blur. I tried to answer the nurse’s questions as I was whisked out of the ambulance. Being there alone brought back too many memories and I found it hard to breathe again despite the oxygen mask. On the verge of panicking I tried to sit up and claw the constricting straps off my arms.
Stranger’s voices pleaded with me to calm down. That they weren’t going to hurt me. But they weren’t the voices I longed to hear. Irrational with pain and fear I thought they’d abandoned me. I barely heard the debate going on around me. The argument from the doctors wanting to sedate me despite the dangers. I gritted my teeth and closed my eyes to try and shut out all the noise and confusion. I didn’t want to be here.
“Just let me see him. I can get him to calm down.” An angry voice that I knew as well as my own had me looking frantically around the room.
“And you are?” A snappish female voice demanded.
“I’m family plus I have his medical history. Now let me see him!” Aya’s no nonsense tone had cowered lesser women than that nurse.
“Let him in. What harm can it do? I’d rather not administer any drugs until we can assess his condition.” One of the doctors tiredly answered.
There he was…oh god I was relieved to see Aya. I’d gladly take another bullet if it meant that he’d still be here. I hurt, was scared and weary and for now just wanted to see his face. I’d try and deal with all the other shit later. Even his frowning expression was a welcome sight. I tried to raise my hand when he approached the gurney. The bastards had it strapped to the metal railing. Despite that he grasped my cold hand in his and our fingers laced together.
“Ken I’m here. You have to calm down and let them treat you.” His other hand I was amazed to see shook slightly as he cupped my cheek. “Can you do that?”
All I could manage was a nod and soon I was swarming with nurses. They unstrapped my arms and pulled me away from Aya. I was transferred onto an examination table and another IV inserted into my arm. This one fed life giving red fluid back into my veins. The bandages unwound so the doctor could examine the bullet wound. I didn’t mean to but when I lost sight of Aya I started to panic again.
I knew they were seriously breaking protocol by letting a civilian in the trauma room but after one nurse moved out of the way I saw him standing against the wall by the door. His back was ramrod straight and his arms wrapped around his middle. Uncharacteristically the worry clearly etched on his face.
I locked eyes with him and mouthed. “I’m sorry.”
Aya shook his head and before I could decipher the meaning some asshole prodded the hole I had in my chest. The noise in the room faded to a dull roar and blackness closed in.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Now I lay here in a drug filled stupor. The quiet but efficient attentions of the nurse ended and I wanted nothing more than to sink back down into oblivion. My eyes tried to focus on the white ceiling. I really hated the color white. Its association with hospital rooms and the representation of our name is what made it so loathsome. Weiss…like what we did could be considered pristine like the color. Killing was killing. Vigilantes above the law murdering those who society saw as unredeemable. What made us better than them?
Oh sure our targets were rapists, murderers, drug dealers and other types of scum. But they were people too. I was conditioned not to question too much or protest too strongly. Really though what other choice did I have?
Well that was not essentially true any more. In the old days Kritiker would have put down as assassin like me. Taken out the trash so to speak. I’d have become a target due to my instability. Truly I had no idea what was to happen to me now.
I sighed and painfully turned my head to look around the room. A private room…I guess KR was footing the bill. The dim room did not hold much else than the bed I lay in, a side table, a couple of chairs and a closed door to what I assumed was the bathroom. Not that I’d need one any time soon. The slight burn of the catheter made me want to squirm uncomfortably.
Disappointment made my chest ache more than the hole from the bullet. I was alone and perhaps rightfully so. Why would Weiss want to have anything to do with me now? I’d fucked up big time. In some deep part of my mind a little voice was shrieking for me to try and get up. To flee before the men in white coats came to lock up the crazy berserker.
Laughable as that line of thinking turned out to be. I was stuck here for now. The quietness of the room, except for the various machines they had me hooked to, started to get to me. As much as I’d pushed everyone away I truly hated to be alone. Lately I did not like myself very much and with such poor company I morosely brooded. It appeared Aya rubbed off on me more than I expected. He was a champion brooder and I just didn’t have the knack.
I also had no idea what time it was or how long I’d been here. I looked around the room for a clock but all that adorned the walls were some nauseatingly cheerful scenery prints. Fuck! I hated this. Then I decided to sit up.
Big mistake!
My whole chest lit up with a fiery burning pain. My hand tangled in some of the wires and I pulled one free by accident. The heart monitor at my bedside went wild. Oh shit…
Not more than ten seconds later my room was filled with people. Well I said I hated being alone hadn’t I?
Then I was poked, prodded and yelled at all over again. It all became hazy and I just wanted them all to leave. I paid no attention what so ever to the doctor telling me not to move around too much. Well all right I heard that much before tuning him out completely. He went on and on about near misses and that I was lucky to be alive. Blah, Blah, Blah…lucky me? Yeah right.
I looked desperately around the room for something else to get my mind off the Doctor’s incessant chatter.
Then I saw them.
Aya and Chloe.
Standing right inside the door looking totally panicked. I stared. I couldn’t help myself.
It was obvious to me when the alarms went off on my heart monitor that they’d come running fearing the worst. It was gratifying to see that I hadn’t been abandoned after all.
It gave me an odd sort of satisfaction to see Aya so visibly upset. But then he’d been with me in the emergency room until I’d lost consciousness again. I could tell they wanted to be at my bedside but the room still held too many prying eyes.
I dropped my gaze first. Guilt over my actions ate at me. I deserved to be called a fool. Aya almost died because of my mistake.
Eventually the room cleared. I was left alone with my former lovers. At a total loss as to what to do. It would have been easier if they’d just leave. But when has my life ever been easy? My heart started to pound with anxiety.
What would Aya and Chloe do?
My chest started to ache horribly and I realized that I was holding my breath. I gasped as a spasm of pain radiated out from my gunshot wound. In desperation I fumbled for the little button I knew would deliver mind and body numbing drugs to my battered body.
I’d barely gotten the button pushed when they both crossed the room. Time seemed to have stood still as we waited for someone to breach the final distance.
“Ken.”
Chloe leaned over the bed and his hands rested on either side of my face. His eyes bore into mine.
“Don’t! You! Ever! Scare me like that again! I thought you were dead! I…I thought I’d lost you both!”
Chloe seemed to wilt after his harsh little speech. His hands clenched my shoulders tightly. His grip hurt and I tried not to hiss in pain. He hid his face against my neck and awkwardly I raised my hand to stroke his baby fine hair.
His gulping breaths stirred the hair at the nape of my neck and I felt moisture soaking the collar of my hospital gown. Now the crisis was averted he’d let himself fall apart. As fucked up as I was I couldn’t turn him away.
“I’m sorry.” I whispered and pulled him closer. He half lay on the bed now pressed up to my good side.
I risked a glance up at Aya. His face set in a stony mask not letting any emotion at all leak through. But his posture was too ramrod straight. Once again the arms wrapped around his middle let me know how barely in control Aya really was. I’d had years to learn how to decipher his body language.
He wanted to reach out to me but couldn’t bridge the final gap.
I desperately wanted him to hold me as well. To murmur reassurance in my ear that everything was going to be ok. But I knew better. This temporary reprieve was but a brief moment in my fucked up life.
Could I reach out to him instead? Could I shove all my guilt, fear and self loathing aside to take that final step?
Chloe clung to me as I tried to make a choice.
Before I even got the chance Aya’s pain filled eyes took one last long look at me.
Then he turned away and walked out of the room.
The medication started to kick in making me woozy. I reached one hand out to Aya’s retreating back.
He never saw the gesture as the door closed behind him.
“Ran…”
My tear filled exclamation got Chloe’s attention. He sat up and looked towards the door. A frown marred his pale, tired face as he sighed.
“Ken let me go and talk to him.”
“He’s made his choice. You don’t have to stay either.” I silently begged for oblivion from the pain killers. I just couldn’t take it anymore.
Then a loud crash from the hallway had us both looking towards the door. It sounded as if something had fallen over and spilled with an extremely jarring clatter.
“I’ll be right back.” Chloe pressed a kiss to my slack mouth and got off the bed.
Chloe left the door open as he went out into the hallway. From my limited vantage point, half propped up in bed, I saw dirty dishes scattered and broken across the hallway floor.
Voices raised in anger disturbed the normal hushed hospital atmosphere. Something thudded into the wall beside my door and Free’s low voice penetrated the noise.
Free telling someone to calm down before he got thrown out or arrested for making a scene.
Aya.