Brigit's Flame Entry - August Week One - "Smoke and Mirrors"
Jake is curled up on his couch with his hands over his face. He's been lying awake like this for the last six hours. He gets a text message, "We're coming over in five," and sits up, helpless and rumpled against the cushions. Minutes later, the door thunks open and several heavy feet make a racket in the hallway. By the time they enter the den, he has his Gibson in his hands like he's been fiddling with it for the last hour.
They take their seats in various places about the room. He pulls out his bag and tosses it to one of them. The bowl is filled. The bowl is passed. He takes a hit, passes it on. They each exhale smoke and drivel into his space. He pretends to be lost in his chords. He turns up the amp. They chatter even more loudly for as long as they need the bowl to continue its rounds. When it is cashed for the third time, they exit en masse, "Later, man."
He sets the guitar gingerly aside, stands and picks his way through the piles of books and papers to his bathroom. He searches his red, dull eyes for a long moment, smashes his reflection with his fist, and then snatches up his Gibson to play with dripping fingers.
ETA: Concrit is very, very much appreciated, if anyone has the time and/or inclination to give it. In the comments below, I've tried to show what I wanted to communicate in this piece. It doesn't seem to quite be there, yet, but I have hopes! If anyone has any additional suggestions for how I can make this more clear, I would so love to hear them!
One of the suggestions that isn't listed below because it occurred in a private conversation with the lovely katden was to have Jake say something at some point to provide an allusion to another work that might give more insight to his character. I'm thinking something from The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock by T.S. Eliot would be ideal. There is enormous similarity to the characters (at least how I have Jake envisioned in my head). Link to poem. If anyone has any thoughts on a line or where I could use it, I'd love to hear them, too.
As I said to katden, I'm a concrit feedback whore. It is so helpful for me to hear from people how they are interpreting a piece and suggestions they have to improve it. Y'all are always welcome to do so with any of my pieces. If you are someone who wishes the same with yours, please let me know and I will return the favor.