Brigits Flame Entry - July 2012 - Week 1 - "Fly"

[aine_marihugh]

New Guinea Impatiens on my 34th Birthday

I think I'm now ready.
I'm thirty-four years-old today.
I've traveled the country
for work and play.
I've been followed by whales
in Monterrey. Jumped out of a plane
in San Jose. I've busted my rump
and earned an MA. I think
I'm now ready.

I think that I'm ready.
Ready for the swollen
belly. Ready to raise a
loving

Comments

Edit - NHB

[with_rainfall]

I like the rhythmic, bouncy quality and the incomplete sentences of the first stanza. Remove the hyphen from "years-old".

The link between the impatiens and the baby needs to be emphasised. "I think I'm ready, till someone gives me" might work better.

Something about that "away" at the end of when I'm writing away isn't punchy enough for me. Maybe "when I'm out for the day"? Admittedly that's not a great example, and it wouldn't work with "today" right below it, but I can't think of anything involving writing (or any other activity which requires concentration) that rhymes with "away".

You need a comma after "I called the doctor's office today", so it links to the subsequent action of picking up the birth control.

Also, I'm so sorry this is late. I've been awful with edits lately.

Re: Edit - NHB

[innana88]

Thank you so much for your edit! You've given me a lot to fiddle with and tweak! I appreciate it!

[with_rainfall]

You're welcome! :)