Fuck! It sucks to be me....
Sorry about the foul language....the song is running through my head and in my semi-state of self pity it seemed appropriate.
Anyways....so, not to be pessimistic or anything, but my life kinda blows right now. Not anyone thing is truly horrible (okay, maybe one) but all the little things just seem to pile up. Ed and I are dead broke right now. Part of this is due to us being silly and not paying close attention to our finances, and part is due to having to put up close to two grand for our new apartment after our roommate changed (the old one had to back out and the new one was not prepared to give us half upfront). So now we are behind on, oh, EVERYTHING and getting calls from collectors multiple times a day. Luckily we managed to stay just above water where we are not in true danger of losing anything, but it really bites nonetheless. And I'm picking up extra shifts every week to try and get us back on top. What makes matters worse is my best friend is getting married in a month and I'm matron of honor. Meaning I have a shower and bachelorette party to host. Being as it's a small wedding party and Ed is also part of it, I won't be getting a lot of help monetarily from anyone else. And I know the one thing Miranda would love from me as a gift is a scrapbook, but to make a decent one is a minimum of $50-75, which I definitely don't have. So, yeah. Money sucks.
And speaking of the new apartment, let's just say I am a little frustrated. I'm really glad that we are living with Gaby. She's awesome and I love having her around, not to mention she helps me out tremendously with the baby. But she has almost as much stuff as we do, so instead of moving into a bigger apartment and paying more each month to have more room, we now have less than we did before and I'm struggling to find a place for everything.
And then there is Will. After being put off and postponed for almost a year, his final court date is now set. Unfortunately, they chose the one week that I will be out of town, which means I cannot be there to give a statement or offer support or anything. Instead, I get to wait anxiously in SC and hope that everything goes well. He's facing up to 45 years in jailtime for a stupid mistake and I feel helpless to do anything about it.
And the icing on the cake: My brother-in-law. I haven't really mentioned much about it to anyone but my close friends, but my family recently found out that my oldest sister's husband has terminal cancer. They have two kids, a 12 year old and a 9 year old. At the original diagnosis he was given 6 months to live (that was a little over a month ago). The original doctor was an ass and made some really stupid medical decisions that may have cost my BiL time off his life, but my he and my sister have since started seeing a doctor in Houston, TX that is a specialist in the type of cancer he has. This doctor was able to reverse some of the damage the first doctor and done and may be able to prevent some dangerous and time-costly surgery. We are still waiting on results to find out if he will be able to treat the cancer and prolong my BiL's life for a substantial period.
But here's what I am ashamed to admit: Learning all of this and watching my sister and her family go through this is heart-wrenching. But what scares me most of all is the fear I will have to go through one day. I know it is unrealistic, but I cannot help it. My sister is 12 years younger than her husband, who is only 49. In a lot of ways, mine and Ed's relationship parallels theirs. I can't help but be afraid that I will one day have to watch him die. I know it sounds morbid, but the fear is there. Statistically men die 5-10 years earlier than women of the same age. He's already got 10 years on me. I don't want to live 15+ years of my life without him. And now seeing my sister in the position to potentially lose her husband before she turns 40 terrifies me. I don't know how I would live through it. And I don't really feel like this is something I can talk to Ed about easily. Who wants to hear that their loved one is having nightmares about them dying? I'm having a really hard time dealing with this but I feel so selfish worrying about something that might happen to me when my sister is actually going through it. But I don't know what to do for her. This is an all around sucky situation.
So there. That's why I feel like my life sucks right now. I know things will get better and there's always tomorrow and blah blah blah. But damn it, right now I want to just be depressed and cry and the world can go to hell.
Anyways....so, not to be pessimistic or anything, but my life kinda blows right now. Not anyone thing is truly horrible (okay, maybe one) but all the little things just seem to pile up. Ed and I are dead broke right now. Part of this is due to us being silly and not paying close attention to our finances, and part is due to having to put up close to two grand for our new apartment after our roommate changed (the old one had to back out and the new one was not prepared to give us half upfront). So now we are behind on, oh, EVERYTHING and getting calls from collectors multiple times a day. Luckily we managed to stay just above water where we are not in true danger of losing anything, but it really bites nonetheless. And I'm picking up extra shifts every week to try and get us back on top. What makes matters worse is my best friend is getting married in a month and I'm matron of honor. Meaning I have a shower and bachelorette party to host. Being as it's a small wedding party and Ed is also part of it, I won't be getting a lot of help monetarily from anyone else. And I know the one thing Miranda would love from me as a gift is a scrapbook, but to make a decent one is a minimum of $50-75, which I definitely don't have. So, yeah. Money sucks.
And speaking of the new apartment, let's just say I am a little frustrated. I'm really glad that we are living with Gaby. She's awesome and I love having her around, not to mention she helps me out tremendously with the baby. But she has almost as much stuff as we do, so instead of moving into a bigger apartment and paying more each month to have more room, we now have less than we did before and I'm struggling to find a place for everything.
And then there is Will. After being put off and postponed for almost a year, his final court date is now set. Unfortunately, they chose the one week that I will be out of town, which means I cannot be there to give a statement or offer support or anything. Instead, I get to wait anxiously in SC and hope that everything goes well. He's facing up to 45 years in jailtime for a stupid mistake and I feel helpless to do anything about it.
And the icing on the cake: My brother-in-law. I haven't really mentioned much about it to anyone but my close friends, but my family recently found out that my oldest sister's husband has terminal cancer. They have two kids, a 12 year old and a 9 year old. At the original diagnosis he was given 6 months to live (that was a little over a month ago). The original doctor was an ass and made some really stupid medical decisions that may have cost my BiL time off his life, but my he and my sister have since started seeing a doctor in Houston, TX that is a specialist in the type of cancer he has. This doctor was able to reverse some of the damage the first doctor and done and may be able to prevent some dangerous and time-costly surgery. We are still waiting on results to find out if he will be able to treat the cancer and prolong my BiL's life for a substantial period.
But here's what I am ashamed to admit: Learning all of this and watching my sister and her family go through this is heart-wrenching. But what scares me most of all is the fear I will have to go through one day. I know it is unrealistic, but I cannot help it. My sister is 12 years younger than her husband, who is only 49. In a lot of ways, mine and Ed's relationship parallels theirs. I can't help but be afraid that I will one day have to watch him die. I know it sounds morbid, but the fear is there. Statistically men die 5-10 years earlier than women of the same age. He's already got 10 years on me. I don't want to live 15+ years of my life without him. And now seeing my sister in the position to potentially lose her husband before she turns 40 terrifies me. I don't know how I would live through it. And I don't really feel like this is something I can talk to Ed about easily. Who wants to hear that their loved one is having nightmares about them dying? I'm having a really hard time dealing with this but I feel so selfish worrying about something that might happen to me when my sister is actually going through it. But I don't know what to do for her. This is an all around sucky situation.
So there. That's why I feel like my life sucks right now. I know things will get better and there's always tomorrow and blah blah blah. But damn it, right now I want to just be depressed and cry and the world can go to hell.