Feel Again 05. // akame
feel again 05.
akame
NC-17 (R for this chapter), angst, romance
An emotionally and physically abused boy who thought he wouldn't be able to feel again. A man who wanted to be alone and became lonely. They meet and they get the chance to heal each other. But none of them wants to be healed.
Warning: Violence, rape, language
Chapter 5
Jin was thinking about it. He carefully considered his possibilities, weighed his chances, taking every single detail of current situation into account. And decided.
If he was part of some low rated drama, he would feel like a hero now, trying to save the one who is important to him from the devil. Because his intention was exactly that. Problem was that he felt so incredibly normal and clueless that the biggest hero he could compare himself to, would be Don Quixote, to say the least. And that didn't sound heroic. At all.
But at least the determination was there. Whatever he was going to face now, he was ready to do it. For Kazuya, he was.
Jin fumbled with the notes in front of him, wiping away the thin layer of dust and gazed at the faded ink, narrowing his eyes. Then he found what he was looking for and with a a deep breath, he braced himself for what was coming.
The nervous feeling didn't help at all but was no surprising. He hadn't talked to other than his boss and some guys at work for so long. The phone felt weird in his hand.
He was gulping continously as the he let it ring, waiting for the line to connect.
“Hallo?”
It was so abrupt that Jin jumped in his seat, clearing his throat. “Errr... Yamashita-san?”
“Yes,” the voice was careful but curious.
“Err... It's Akanishi. Akanishi Jin. Do you remember me?”
There was a pause before the man at the other end of the line cried out loudly. “Akanishi? Oh God, of course I remember! I haven't seen you since graduation, how have you been?”
Jin let out a chuckle at hearing the excitement in the other's voice. He almost forgot how childish but friendly Yamashita could be. “I'm fine, and you?”
“Yeah, yeah same here. Wow, what a surprise. So what can I do for you?”
Jin gulped but his nervousness was almost gone. “Yamashita-san, do you.. do you still work for the police?”
“Damn, dude, drop the honorifics, it's creeping me out. I'm still the same Yamapi, you know.”
Smiling, Jin nodded to the phone. “Okay, Yamapi.”
“So what? Did you get into trouble?”
“No, it's my... friend. He needs help and...” he lowered his voice as if someone could hear him. “Do you think you could help me with that? We could meet up somewhere if it's not much trouble. I would really need your help.”
“Okay, I can do that. What about tomorrow? In the evening?”
Letting out a sigh in relief, Jin agreed. “Yes, that would be perfect.”
“Okay, then. I don't know my schedule for tomorrow but I will text you about the details.”
“Thank you, Yamapi.”
“You're welcome. Tomorrow then.”
Then Jin stayed there in his spot, just sitting in silence with his phone in his hand, wondering whatever the hell he was doing was the right thing or not.
The counter was already more than clean but Kazuya continued wiping it, hands moving in circles as he stared at his blurred reflection on its surface.
What the hell had he gotten himself into? He practically moved in a stranger's place and ran away from his life. But that was not the solution, he knew. He had to go back sooner or later, back into that hell, back into the darkness, numbness and he would be able to do it.
He just needed a little time, a breather, just to take a break to prepare. Something had changed and started to ruin the walls Kazuya had built around himself. Something that destroyed his defences and it hurt like nothing before.
The certainty was still there, he knew what he should do but something pulled him back every time he was ready to step across that barrier. Something planted the desire into his heart that the way he lived was not the only possible one.
It was Jin's fault to show him a thin ray of hope and Kazuya's fault was to catch onto it.
He couldn't explain why he did it. He didn't miss anything in his life, he was fine with it. But Jin ruined it all and Kazuya wanted to be mad at him for interfering unconsciously, for being so nice, for not treating him the way he was used to it. He couldn't handle this situation. Like the previous night when he caught a glimpse of the dinner. It was too strange, too nice, too... normal.
There was one more thing Kazuya couldn't put his finger on and that was the fact why he asked Jin if he could go back. He didn't want to back. It was only an idea in the spur of the moment when Jin's words hit him more painfully than any blow of the belt could ever hurt. It was unintentional. And the urge to explain himself to Jin was forceful and tempting, yet it seemed impossible. The only thing he knew in that moment that he didn't want Jin to give up on him.
“You can go home, Kame,” he heard the voice from behind his back and stopped moving, staring into nothingness for a while before he turned around.
“Yuichi.”
The slightly older man looked up and placed the bottles down which he had been counting, turning his full attention to the boy.
Kazuya leaned on the counter with his back, his face expressionless. “What if I want to quit?”
Yuichi seemed surprised, he raised his eyebrows in curiosity. “What? So after three years you finally had enough? Or did you find another job?”
Kazuya slowly shook his head. “It was just a hypothetical question.”
With a chuckle, Yuichi turned around and continued counting the whisky bottles. “You know, Tanaka can be a bastard sometimes, but he's not a bad person, at least for a boss.”
“No, that's not it. I don't have anything against him,” Kazuya hesitated and started to regret to haver ever gotten into this conversation.
“Then it's up to you to decide,” Yuichi said. “I always had a feeling that you don't really belong here.”
“What do you mean?”
Yuichi looked back over is shoulder and grinned. “You deserve much better.”
“I don't,” Kame blurted out instinctively, making Yuichi spin around and stare at him.
“You do. And now go home and have some rest,” the older man said firmly and not giving Kazuya any time to react, gently pushed him towards the back door.
Kazuya pushed the door open and stepped out into the darkness, fumbling with his collar and folding it out. The air was cooler than the day before and he pulled the coat closer on his body, shivering.
The icy wind felt like stabbing his neck as he started walking, the alley was unusually quiet around him. Kazuya took a shuddering breath and watched as the air left his mouth in white puffs, evaporating into darkness almost immediately.
Then he stopped and looked around. It felt weird, his heart started slamming in his chest in an irregular rhythm as he was staring into the darkness. He could feel his stomach drop down and his limbs were suddenly heavy and numb.
The feeling was unfamiliar and uncomfortable and he flinched when he realized what it was.
Fear.
Then he heard it. Footsteps, forceful and heavy and awfully familiar. He could feel the eyes on him as he clenched his fingers around his coat, trying to hold onto it.
He couldn't move, he wanted to run but he was totally numb. Not only his body, his mind, too.
His blood ran cold as a loud scream echoed in the deserted alley, then a hand grabbed his hair and yanked him backwards, fingers wrapping around his waist and painfully sinking its nails into his stomach. The stench of alcohol mixing with the peculiar scent of the man's breath filled his nostrils and Kazuya groaned in disgust, hands rising to pry the fingers off his hair.
It was useless and Kazuya cried out as he was pulled harder, the numbing pain spreading from his scalp to his cheeks and neck, making his whole body shake.
He tried to look around, eyes looking for a familiar figure who used to lean on the opposite wall, waiting for him.
There was no one. He was alone.
Panic started to arise, coursing through his veins like poison and his breath hitched as a punch landed on his stomach, successfully blocking his system to give any reaction in response. The hits continued, showering his body like thousands of needles. Rough fingers wrapped around his neck with brutal force and Kazuya's eyes widened in horror, his lungs clenched in attempt to draw in more air but it was all in vain. All he could feel was fear and despair. More familiar, yet distant.
Then the pain became unbearable and Kazuya fell limp into the other man's arms.
He heard the sound from somewhere inside. A bone was broken.
“What the fuck did you think you were doing??”
A whimper let his lips and he closed his eyes, his hands grabbing the air, searching for something, anything to hold onto. His fingers clenched around nothing and his nails sank into the wooden surface of the table.
“You bitch, you useless shit. What should I do with you now?” The man breathed into his ear, he could feel his lips curling upwards, his voice was full of hatred and satisfaction. The sweaty chest pressed onto his back harder and Kazuya was out of breath.
“You fucking slut, ungrateful bastard, is this what I deserve for saving you?”
Kazuya screamed as the man pushed in, then the belt cut into his back deep. It felt like it reached even his heart, leaving a bleeding and never-healing scar.
“I will kill you, understand? You think I'm joking? I will kill you, whore!”
Kazuya breathed in as deeply as he could, his lungs burning painfully and he whispered what first came to his mind.
“What? I don't hear you, Kazuya. What did you say?”
Kazuya grabbed the edge of the table he was lying on. “Stop, please.”
And he meant it. God, he wished nothing else than not to feel anything again. How could it hurt that much? He screwed up his face in disgust and fear, the porcelain mask slowly cracking on his features, the disguise of emptiness long gone. He could almost feel it, the transformation of his face as it gave place to his inner pain, reflecting everything from the inside with perfect accuracy.
How pathetic it would be to die like this.
The man's laughter was loud and annoying to his ears and that was the last thing he heard before he passed out again.
“Domestic violence and abuse does not discriminate. It happens among heterosexual couples and in same-sex partnerships. It occurs within all age ranges, ethnic backgrounds, and economic levels. And while women are more commonly victimized, men are also abused-especially verbally and emotionally, although sometimes even physically as well. The bottom line is that abusive behavior is never acceptable, whether it’s coming from a man, a woman, a teenager, or an older adult...”
Jin tore his eyes away from the computer screen, a heavy feeling settling in his heart. His whole body erupted in goose bumps just thinking about it.
The realization was nothing new though to face it was scary, terrifying even. Kazuya is a victim. He's being abused, beaten and raped. Yes, raped. It just made sense. The way Kazuya approached him the first time, that he refused to take pleasure and the way he reacted when Jin snapped at him and threw that harsh words into his face. He thought of sex as some kind of payment and as if he deserved to be treated badly and humiliated. And from the fact that he was so emotionless, Jin guessed it could have been going on for a while. Kazuya did an excellent job at shutting himself away from pain and pleasure. To feel absolutely nothing.
And that's why he freaked out at dinner. It wasn't something he could keep under his control. It wasn't sex where he could force Jin not to make him feel good. It was just a dinner. It was normal. And Kazuya didn't know how to take it. He was treated with care and it must have scared the living daylight out of him.
Shaking his head, Jin decided to stop thinking about it for a while because it was just painful. So he glanced at his watch but it proved to be a very bad idea as well. It was almost 3 am. Kazuya must have finished hours ago. Just where the hell was he?
Jin was waiting uneasily and as the minutes passed he started to feel worried beyond belief. What if Kazuya lied to him and never wanted to come back? What if that man found him and took him with force? What if...
The knock on the door sounded faint and hesitant but it never felt any better for Jin, who sighed in relief, rushing to the door to open it, only to reveal a very normal-looking Kazuya, if we could talk about anything normal in connection with the young man.
He looked cold and distant, his face totally void of emotions, like usual. In his hand, there was a small bag which Jin had never seen before. The gaze Kazuya greeted him with, however, was as sharp as a knife and the brown orbs were so dark that Jin was wondering if it was possible to feel hatred flashing in them. Hatred so strong that Jin could feel his stomach drop.
“What happened?” he mumbled, suddenly feeling uncertain but quickly stepping away to let Kazuya in.
The younger boy strolled inside with somewhat careful steps and shrugged his shoulders. “Nothing much.”
“Where have you been?” Jin tried hard not to sound like a mother but he found it even more difficult as he watched Kazuya's stiff movements with which he unlaced his shoes and kicked them off.
“I went... home. I needed some clothes.”
Jin could swear his heart skipped a beat. Home? He couldn't stop himself from asking. “Alone?”
Kazuya let the bag slip down form his shoulder and gazed at it as it landed on the floor with a thud. There was tension between them. A very uncomfortable silence. “Yeah.”
“And...” How should he phrase this? “... and is everything okay?”
Kazuya merely nodded, still refusing to look at Jin and just lazily picked up his bag, taking the chance to escape from Jin's concern and disturbing questions. But he wasn't lucky and Jin's hand was already on his arm, pulling him back.
“Did he hurt you?”
Kazuya flinched but didn't move away, just looked up, eyes softening for a moment as if replying to the question silently, and Jin was sure he understood something without words right then and there which had left his heart broken.
Despite the fearful feeling, he started to feel hopeful that maybe, maybe they had achieved some kind of mutual understanding and even if Kazuya didn't want to talk about what had happened, at least he wouldn't lie. But his hopes were crushed when Kazuya finally answered.
“No.”
Liar.
Jin wondered how it was possible to feel even more helpless as Kazuya's arms were burning in heat under his palms, yet his words were so cold.
“I would like to use the bathroom,” Kazuya said when Jin didn't seem to answer and the older man just lowered his gaze, fingers loosening. And then he let Kazuya go. Just like that. Without not much of a fight, Jin concluded. He just stayed there, in the middle of the living room as the bathroom door quietly closed behind the boy.
He could hear the water start running and with a sigh, Jin decided to calm his nerves with a shot of vodka or anything that would stumble his way first. And it did. A bottle of vodka was what he glanced when he opened the kitchen cabinet and quickly finding an empty glass, he poured himself a great amount of the transparent liquid.
He hastily gulped it all down and welcomed the burning feeling as it slid down his throat, bringing his mind into relieving numbness. Just what he needed now.
Ready for a second round, Jin raised the bottle when the sound of the splashing water from the bathroom was replaced by a sudden noise which sounded exactly as if someone had just slipped and made the things around him tumble down.
Jin's movement froze and he nearly dropped the bottle, making his way to the bathroom, quickly but as quietly as possible, listening.
“Kazuya,” he called out and placed a palm on the cold door. “Kazuya, are you okay? Did you fall?”
There was a pause; just a second longer than it should have been and Jin knew he was right, despite Kazuya's words.
“No, just... dropped something.”
There was shuffling and something which could be a failed and weak attempt to put the bottles and tubes into place then it all tumbled down again and a groan followed.
“I'm coming in,” Jin stated, though he wasn't waiting for permission. No, he had had enough.
“No,” Kazuya's ice cold voice came from the other side but Jin didn't let it stop him this time. No way.
The door knob turned and Jin pushed the door open. No matter how hard he tried to prepare himself, the sight still caught him off guard and he lost the fluidity of his movements, almost tripping over his own feet when he stepped in.
Kazuya was on his knees, one hand grabbing the bath tub for support, the other fumbling with the tubes scattered on the floor. From the badly shaking arms and legs, it was obvious he wanted to stand up, only he couldn't. But it was not what made Jin tremble. It wasn't the awkward position and not even the fact that Kazuya was naked; he practically didn't even notice it.
Jin was standing rooted in his spot, his eyes fixed on Kazuya's back and he could swear he had never seen something so terrible. The scars were bloody, deep and open; they covered the whole back and part of the buttocks. There were some on the back of his thighs, angry, red marks stretching over his body like painted scarlet reminders of the cruel reality.
The thoughts abandoned Jin as if he had gotten a shot in the stomach, except for one question that flashed across his numb mind. How come I didn't notice this?
Kazuya tried to move fast, which was not really successful but eventually he managed to grab a towel and swing it around his body, which Jin only watched motionless, his heart clenching when he realized it was not his back which Kazuya hid first, but his lower body. Jin was sure it wasn't because Kazuya was shy.
“Could you get out, please?” Kazuya pressed the words through his teeth, his voice strained. He was sitting now turned to Jin, hanging his head low, eyes hidden behind wet strands of silky hair.
Glaring at Kazuya's pathetic figure, Jin wondered for a moment what he should answer to this ridiculous question. 'Okay' was not really an option.
So he took a step forward, not even realizing until then that his legs were indeed literally shaking. Kazuya flinched away instantly which resulted in banging his back in the side of the tub. A loud hiss and a whimper followed the movement, making Jin freeze once again.
“I can stand up, just leave me alone,” Kazuya growled but his face was flushed now, not carrying even a hint of that coldness it was reflecting earlier but a mess of emotions that were clearly settled on his beautiful features. Jin had to look away.
Then he took a breath and approached the boy again, not bothering to reply to the curses thrown at him as he trapped Kazuya's arms into a firm grip and pulled him up from the cold tiles. The towel fell off the younger man's waist and Jin picked it up and handed it to Kazuya after he was sure the other was steadying himself on the edge of the basin.
Kazuya tied a knot on the towel, fixing it below his stomach then just leaned on his arms, not caring anymore to cover his wounds.
Jin just stared at him, unable to speak and move. His eyes focused on the scars, now that he was closer to the boy, they seemed even deeper.
“Are you enjoying the sight?” Kazuya murmured under his breath, voice quiet and distant but something else caught Jin's attention and he lifted his gaze, meeting Kazuya's eyes in the mirror. The expression on the other's face confirmed his suspicion. Kazuya was angry. The first real emotion that flashed across his face since they had met. Anger.
“Why?” Jin croaked out the first thing that occurred to him. “Why is he doing this to you?”
Lowering his gaze, Kazuya's eyes disappeared again behind the safety of his dark locks. He seemed to be breathing heavier than before, his voice, however didn't changed, remained quiet and strained. “Because that's how things work.”
Jin let out a harsh breath in disbelief. “That's not how things should...”
“Because I deserve it.”
It was a statement. There wasn't weakness in that whisper, not a trace of self-pity. Just a pure fact. He deserved it and that was all to it.
Jin could feel anger boiling in him as well. “What? What could you possibly have done to deserve this, Kazuya?”
He shouldn't raise his voice, he knew. But what the hell? He wanted to shake the life out of the boy for saying things like that. As Kazuya remained silent, Jin plucked up his courage. “Who is he? Is he your father?”
Kazuya's face changed in an instant, the fury he was trying to bury inside, exploded in angry words. Before he knew, he was shouting. “He is not my father. Not my father.”
Jin stepped back, taken by surprise. Kazuya's whole body was practically shaking from anger and exhaustion, his face red and sweaty. His instincts kicked in as Jin immediately stepped forward and tried to help Kazuya to keep his balance.
But he was taken aback again by a second outburst as Kazuya jerked his shoulder away and spinning around, glared at the older man heatedly. “No.”
“Kazuya.”
“It hurts,” Kazuya yelled through laboured breathing. It felt like he just cried out something which broke the barriers and he finally let out the most intense feelings he had been experiencing since he met Jin.
“I know,” Jin said quietly, eyes following the pitiful scars on the other's body but Kazuya shook his head.
“No, you don't understand!” Kazuya screamed again and Jin looked at him, bewildered and frozen. “It hurts.”
The way his voice broke as he let out the words left Jin speechless. The dark eyes flickered to his own, a desperate and hopeless look was shot into his direction before the brown orbs widened in horror and Kazuya's mouth dropped open. “Just what are you doing to me?”
It was only a whisper, carrying fear and panic. Was Kazuya scared? Scared of him too?
“I'm not doing any...”
“What... what are you doing to me?” Kazuya repeated, still looking terrified and lost. He looked so young, Jin thought.
“Kazuya,” Jin said carefully, reaching out for the boy, who slowly started to slip down, almost slumping down to the floor before Jin managed to get a hold on him. His hands hesitantly circled around the slender arms, not really sure where he could touch Kazuya without hurting him too much.
The younger man let himself be guided outside and placed on the bed, now looking nothing else than tired and sleepy. Jin stood up and pulled away from the bed where Kazuya was sitting when the skinny fingers wrapped around his wrist. “Could you... could you put on the bandages for me?” he asked in a whisper and looked up, letting his eyes meet Jin's surprised look. “Like last time.”
A gentle smile tugged on Jin's lips as he nodded, feeling somehow relieved and happy by the request. “Yes.”
Kazuya nodded and looked away, his grip not loosening which made Jin wonder if the boy wanted to say something else. So he lowered himself and gave a reassuring nod.
“Can you... stay... here tonight?” Kazuya asked as if afraid of rejection. As if it was a stupid thing to ask. Jin had never felt happier.
“Sure, I'll stay. Just let me fetch the bandages and turn off the lights.”
Kazuya nodded and dropped his hand, falling silent.
After he grabbed everything he needed, Jin returned to the living room and switched the lights off when the blinking screen of his computer caught his eyes. He walked to his desk and leaned forward, his gaze resting on the article he had been reading and looked for the part where he had left off before Kazuya arrived.
There was only one sentence left unread and Jin now swept his eyes over the line before he turned off the computer.
“Everyone deserves to feel valued, respected, and safe.”
06.>>
akame
NC-17 (R for this chapter), angst, romance
An emotionally and physically abused boy who thought he wouldn't be able to feel again. A man who wanted to be alone and became lonely. They meet and they get the chance to heal each other. But none of them wants to be healed.
Warning: Violence, rape, language
Chapter 5
Jin was thinking about it. He carefully considered his possibilities, weighed his chances, taking every single detail of current situation into account. And decided.
If he was part of some low rated drama, he would feel like a hero now, trying to save the one who is important to him from the devil. Because his intention was exactly that. Problem was that he felt so incredibly normal and clueless that the biggest hero he could compare himself to, would be Don Quixote, to say the least. And that didn't sound heroic. At all.
But at least the determination was there. Whatever he was going to face now, he was ready to do it. For Kazuya, he was.
Jin fumbled with the notes in front of him, wiping away the thin layer of dust and gazed at the faded ink, narrowing his eyes. Then he found what he was looking for and with a a deep breath, he braced himself for what was coming.
The nervous feeling didn't help at all but was no surprising. He hadn't talked to other than his boss and some guys at work for so long. The phone felt weird in his hand.
He was gulping continously as the he let it ring, waiting for the line to connect.
“Hallo?”
It was so abrupt that Jin jumped in his seat, clearing his throat. “Errr... Yamashita-san?”
“Yes,” the voice was careful but curious.
“Err... It's Akanishi. Akanishi Jin. Do you remember me?”
There was a pause before the man at the other end of the line cried out loudly. “Akanishi? Oh God, of course I remember! I haven't seen you since graduation, how have you been?”
Jin let out a chuckle at hearing the excitement in the other's voice. He almost forgot how childish but friendly Yamashita could be. “I'm fine, and you?”
“Yeah, yeah same here. Wow, what a surprise. So what can I do for you?”
Jin gulped but his nervousness was almost gone. “Yamashita-san, do you.. do you still work for the police?”
“Damn, dude, drop the honorifics, it's creeping me out. I'm still the same Yamapi, you know.”
Smiling, Jin nodded to the phone. “Okay, Yamapi.”
“So what? Did you get into trouble?”
“No, it's my... friend. He needs help and...” he lowered his voice as if someone could hear him. “Do you think you could help me with that? We could meet up somewhere if it's not much trouble. I would really need your help.”
“Okay, I can do that. What about tomorrow? In the evening?”
Letting out a sigh in relief, Jin agreed. “Yes, that would be perfect.”
“Okay, then. I don't know my schedule for tomorrow but I will text you about the details.”
“Thank you, Yamapi.”
“You're welcome. Tomorrow then.”
Then Jin stayed there in his spot, just sitting in silence with his phone in his hand, wondering whatever the hell he was doing was the right thing or not.
The counter was already more than clean but Kazuya continued wiping it, hands moving in circles as he stared at his blurred reflection on its surface.
What the hell had he gotten himself into? He practically moved in a stranger's place and ran away from his life. But that was not the solution, he knew. He had to go back sooner or later, back into that hell, back into the darkness, numbness and he would be able to do it.
He just needed a little time, a breather, just to take a break to prepare. Something had changed and started to ruin the walls Kazuya had built around himself. Something that destroyed his defences and it hurt like nothing before.
The certainty was still there, he knew what he should do but something pulled him back every time he was ready to step across that barrier. Something planted the desire into his heart that the way he lived was not the only possible one.
It was Jin's fault to show him a thin ray of hope and Kazuya's fault was to catch onto it.
He couldn't explain why he did it. He didn't miss anything in his life, he was fine with it. But Jin ruined it all and Kazuya wanted to be mad at him for interfering unconsciously, for being so nice, for not treating him the way he was used to it. He couldn't handle this situation. Like the previous night when he caught a glimpse of the dinner. It was too strange, too nice, too... normal.
There was one more thing Kazuya couldn't put his finger on and that was the fact why he asked Jin if he could go back. He didn't want to back. It was only an idea in the spur of the moment when Jin's words hit him more painfully than any blow of the belt could ever hurt. It was unintentional. And the urge to explain himself to Jin was forceful and tempting, yet it seemed impossible. The only thing he knew in that moment that he didn't want Jin to give up on him.
“You can go home, Kame,” he heard the voice from behind his back and stopped moving, staring into nothingness for a while before he turned around.
“Yuichi.”
The slightly older man looked up and placed the bottles down which he had been counting, turning his full attention to the boy.
Kazuya leaned on the counter with his back, his face expressionless. “What if I want to quit?”
Yuichi seemed surprised, he raised his eyebrows in curiosity. “What? So after three years you finally had enough? Or did you find another job?”
Kazuya slowly shook his head. “It was just a hypothetical question.”
With a chuckle, Yuichi turned around and continued counting the whisky bottles. “You know, Tanaka can be a bastard sometimes, but he's not a bad person, at least for a boss.”
“No, that's not it. I don't have anything against him,” Kazuya hesitated and started to regret to haver ever gotten into this conversation.
“Then it's up to you to decide,” Yuichi said. “I always had a feeling that you don't really belong here.”
“What do you mean?”
Yuichi looked back over is shoulder and grinned. “You deserve much better.”
“I don't,” Kame blurted out instinctively, making Yuichi spin around and stare at him.
“You do. And now go home and have some rest,” the older man said firmly and not giving Kazuya any time to react, gently pushed him towards the back door.
Kazuya pushed the door open and stepped out into the darkness, fumbling with his collar and folding it out. The air was cooler than the day before and he pulled the coat closer on his body, shivering.
The icy wind felt like stabbing his neck as he started walking, the alley was unusually quiet around him. Kazuya took a shuddering breath and watched as the air left his mouth in white puffs, evaporating into darkness almost immediately.
Then he stopped and looked around. It felt weird, his heart started slamming in his chest in an irregular rhythm as he was staring into the darkness. He could feel his stomach drop down and his limbs were suddenly heavy and numb.
The feeling was unfamiliar and uncomfortable and he flinched when he realized what it was.
Fear.
Then he heard it. Footsteps, forceful and heavy and awfully familiar. He could feel the eyes on him as he clenched his fingers around his coat, trying to hold onto it.
He couldn't move, he wanted to run but he was totally numb. Not only his body, his mind, too.
His blood ran cold as a loud scream echoed in the deserted alley, then a hand grabbed his hair and yanked him backwards, fingers wrapping around his waist and painfully sinking its nails into his stomach. The stench of alcohol mixing with the peculiar scent of the man's breath filled his nostrils and Kazuya groaned in disgust, hands rising to pry the fingers off his hair.
It was useless and Kazuya cried out as he was pulled harder, the numbing pain spreading from his scalp to his cheeks and neck, making his whole body shake.
He tried to look around, eyes looking for a familiar figure who used to lean on the opposite wall, waiting for him.
There was no one. He was alone.
Panic started to arise, coursing through his veins like poison and his breath hitched as a punch landed on his stomach, successfully blocking his system to give any reaction in response. The hits continued, showering his body like thousands of needles. Rough fingers wrapped around his neck with brutal force and Kazuya's eyes widened in horror, his lungs clenched in attempt to draw in more air but it was all in vain. All he could feel was fear and despair. More familiar, yet distant.
Then the pain became unbearable and Kazuya fell limp into the other man's arms.
He heard the sound from somewhere inside. A bone was broken.
“What the fuck did you think you were doing??”
A whimper let his lips and he closed his eyes, his hands grabbing the air, searching for something, anything to hold onto. His fingers clenched around nothing and his nails sank into the wooden surface of the table.
“You bitch, you useless shit. What should I do with you now?” The man breathed into his ear, he could feel his lips curling upwards, his voice was full of hatred and satisfaction. The sweaty chest pressed onto his back harder and Kazuya was out of breath.
“You fucking slut, ungrateful bastard, is this what I deserve for saving you?”
Kazuya screamed as the man pushed in, then the belt cut into his back deep. It felt like it reached even his heart, leaving a bleeding and never-healing scar.
“I will kill you, understand? You think I'm joking? I will kill you, whore!”
Kazuya breathed in as deeply as he could, his lungs burning painfully and he whispered what first came to his mind.
“What? I don't hear you, Kazuya. What did you say?”
Kazuya grabbed the edge of the table he was lying on. “Stop, please.”
And he meant it. God, he wished nothing else than not to feel anything again. How could it hurt that much? He screwed up his face in disgust and fear, the porcelain mask slowly cracking on his features, the disguise of emptiness long gone. He could almost feel it, the transformation of his face as it gave place to his inner pain, reflecting everything from the inside with perfect accuracy.
How pathetic it would be to die like this.
The man's laughter was loud and annoying to his ears and that was the last thing he heard before he passed out again.
“Domestic violence and abuse does not discriminate. It happens among heterosexual couples and in same-sex partnerships. It occurs within all age ranges, ethnic backgrounds, and economic levels. And while women are more commonly victimized, men are also abused-especially verbally and emotionally, although sometimes even physically as well. The bottom line is that abusive behavior is never acceptable, whether it’s coming from a man, a woman, a teenager, or an older adult...”
Jin tore his eyes away from the computer screen, a heavy feeling settling in his heart. His whole body erupted in goose bumps just thinking about it.
The realization was nothing new though to face it was scary, terrifying even. Kazuya is a victim. He's being abused, beaten and raped. Yes, raped. It just made sense. The way Kazuya approached him the first time, that he refused to take pleasure and the way he reacted when Jin snapped at him and threw that harsh words into his face. He thought of sex as some kind of payment and as if he deserved to be treated badly and humiliated. And from the fact that he was so emotionless, Jin guessed it could have been going on for a while. Kazuya did an excellent job at shutting himself away from pain and pleasure. To feel absolutely nothing.
And that's why he freaked out at dinner. It wasn't something he could keep under his control. It wasn't sex where he could force Jin not to make him feel good. It was just a dinner. It was normal. And Kazuya didn't know how to take it. He was treated with care and it must have scared the living daylight out of him.
Shaking his head, Jin decided to stop thinking about it for a while because it was just painful. So he glanced at his watch but it proved to be a very bad idea as well. It was almost 3 am. Kazuya must have finished hours ago. Just where the hell was he?
Jin was waiting uneasily and as the minutes passed he started to feel worried beyond belief. What if Kazuya lied to him and never wanted to come back? What if that man found him and took him with force? What if...
The knock on the door sounded faint and hesitant but it never felt any better for Jin, who sighed in relief, rushing to the door to open it, only to reveal a very normal-looking Kazuya, if we could talk about anything normal in connection with the young man.
He looked cold and distant, his face totally void of emotions, like usual. In his hand, there was a small bag which Jin had never seen before. The gaze Kazuya greeted him with, however, was as sharp as a knife and the brown orbs were so dark that Jin was wondering if it was possible to feel hatred flashing in them. Hatred so strong that Jin could feel his stomach drop.
“What happened?” he mumbled, suddenly feeling uncertain but quickly stepping away to let Kazuya in.
The younger boy strolled inside with somewhat careful steps and shrugged his shoulders. “Nothing much.”
“Where have you been?” Jin tried hard not to sound like a mother but he found it even more difficult as he watched Kazuya's stiff movements with which he unlaced his shoes and kicked them off.
“I went... home. I needed some clothes.”
Jin could swear his heart skipped a beat. Home? He couldn't stop himself from asking. “Alone?”
Kazuya let the bag slip down form his shoulder and gazed at it as it landed on the floor with a thud. There was tension between them. A very uncomfortable silence. “Yeah.”
“And...” How should he phrase this? “... and is everything okay?”
Kazuya merely nodded, still refusing to look at Jin and just lazily picked up his bag, taking the chance to escape from Jin's concern and disturbing questions. But he wasn't lucky and Jin's hand was already on his arm, pulling him back.
“Did he hurt you?”
Kazuya flinched but didn't move away, just looked up, eyes softening for a moment as if replying to the question silently, and Jin was sure he understood something without words right then and there which had left his heart broken.
Despite the fearful feeling, he started to feel hopeful that maybe, maybe they had achieved some kind of mutual understanding and even if Kazuya didn't want to talk about what had happened, at least he wouldn't lie. But his hopes were crushed when Kazuya finally answered.
“No.”
Liar.
Jin wondered how it was possible to feel even more helpless as Kazuya's arms were burning in heat under his palms, yet his words were so cold.
“I would like to use the bathroom,” Kazuya said when Jin didn't seem to answer and the older man just lowered his gaze, fingers loosening. And then he let Kazuya go. Just like that. Without not much of a fight, Jin concluded. He just stayed there, in the middle of the living room as the bathroom door quietly closed behind the boy.
He could hear the water start running and with a sigh, Jin decided to calm his nerves with a shot of vodka or anything that would stumble his way first. And it did. A bottle of vodka was what he glanced when he opened the kitchen cabinet and quickly finding an empty glass, he poured himself a great amount of the transparent liquid.
He hastily gulped it all down and welcomed the burning feeling as it slid down his throat, bringing his mind into relieving numbness. Just what he needed now.
Ready for a second round, Jin raised the bottle when the sound of the splashing water from the bathroom was replaced by a sudden noise which sounded exactly as if someone had just slipped and made the things around him tumble down.
Jin's movement froze and he nearly dropped the bottle, making his way to the bathroom, quickly but as quietly as possible, listening.
“Kazuya,” he called out and placed a palm on the cold door. “Kazuya, are you okay? Did you fall?”
There was a pause; just a second longer than it should have been and Jin knew he was right, despite Kazuya's words.
“No, just... dropped something.”
There was shuffling and something which could be a failed and weak attempt to put the bottles and tubes into place then it all tumbled down again and a groan followed.
“I'm coming in,” Jin stated, though he wasn't waiting for permission. No, he had had enough.
“No,” Kazuya's ice cold voice came from the other side but Jin didn't let it stop him this time. No way.
The door knob turned and Jin pushed the door open. No matter how hard he tried to prepare himself, the sight still caught him off guard and he lost the fluidity of his movements, almost tripping over his own feet when he stepped in.
Kazuya was on his knees, one hand grabbing the bath tub for support, the other fumbling with the tubes scattered on the floor. From the badly shaking arms and legs, it was obvious he wanted to stand up, only he couldn't. But it was not what made Jin tremble. It wasn't the awkward position and not even the fact that Kazuya was naked; he practically didn't even notice it.
Jin was standing rooted in his spot, his eyes fixed on Kazuya's back and he could swear he had never seen something so terrible. The scars were bloody, deep and open; they covered the whole back and part of the buttocks. There were some on the back of his thighs, angry, red marks stretching over his body like painted scarlet reminders of the cruel reality.
The thoughts abandoned Jin as if he had gotten a shot in the stomach, except for one question that flashed across his numb mind. How come I didn't notice this?
Kazuya tried to move fast, which was not really successful but eventually he managed to grab a towel and swing it around his body, which Jin only watched motionless, his heart clenching when he realized it was not his back which Kazuya hid first, but his lower body. Jin was sure it wasn't because Kazuya was shy.
“Could you get out, please?” Kazuya pressed the words through his teeth, his voice strained. He was sitting now turned to Jin, hanging his head low, eyes hidden behind wet strands of silky hair.
Glaring at Kazuya's pathetic figure, Jin wondered for a moment what he should answer to this ridiculous question. 'Okay' was not really an option.
So he took a step forward, not even realizing until then that his legs were indeed literally shaking. Kazuya flinched away instantly which resulted in banging his back in the side of the tub. A loud hiss and a whimper followed the movement, making Jin freeze once again.
“I can stand up, just leave me alone,” Kazuya growled but his face was flushed now, not carrying even a hint of that coldness it was reflecting earlier but a mess of emotions that were clearly settled on his beautiful features. Jin had to look away.
Then he took a breath and approached the boy again, not bothering to reply to the curses thrown at him as he trapped Kazuya's arms into a firm grip and pulled him up from the cold tiles. The towel fell off the younger man's waist and Jin picked it up and handed it to Kazuya after he was sure the other was steadying himself on the edge of the basin.
Kazuya tied a knot on the towel, fixing it below his stomach then just leaned on his arms, not caring anymore to cover his wounds.
Jin just stared at him, unable to speak and move. His eyes focused on the scars, now that he was closer to the boy, they seemed even deeper.
“Are you enjoying the sight?” Kazuya murmured under his breath, voice quiet and distant but something else caught Jin's attention and he lifted his gaze, meeting Kazuya's eyes in the mirror. The expression on the other's face confirmed his suspicion. Kazuya was angry. The first real emotion that flashed across his face since they had met. Anger.
“Why?” Jin croaked out the first thing that occurred to him. “Why is he doing this to you?”
Lowering his gaze, Kazuya's eyes disappeared again behind the safety of his dark locks. He seemed to be breathing heavier than before, his voice, however didn't changed, remained quiet and strained. “Because that's how things work.”
Jin let out a harsh breath in disbelief. “That's not how things should...”
“Because I deserve it.”
It was a statement. There wasn't weakness in that whisper, not a trace of self-pity. Just a pure fact. He deserved it and that was all to it.
Jin could feel anger boiling in him as well. “What? What could you possibly have done to deserve this, Kazuya?”
He shouldn't raise his voice, he knew. But what the hell? He wanted to shake the life out of the boy for saying things like that. As Kazuya remained silent, Jin plucked up his courage. “Who is he? Is he your father?”
Kazuya's face changed in an instant, the fury he was trying to bury inside, exploded in angry words. Before he knew, he was shouting. “He is not my father. Not my father.”
Jin stepped back, taken by surprise. Kazuya's whole body was practically shaking from anger and exhaustion, his face red and sweaty. His instincts kicked in as Jin immediately stepped forward and tried to help Kazuya to keep his balance.
But he was taken aback again by a second outburst as Kazuya jerked his shoulder away and spinning around, glared at the older man heatedly. “No.”
“Kazuya.”
“It hurts,” Kazuya yelled through laboured breathing. It felt like he just cried out something which broke the barriers and he finally let out the most intense feelings he had been experiencing since he met Jin.
“I know,” Jin said quietly, eyes following the pitiful scars on the other's body but Kazuya shook his head.
“No, you don't understand!” Kazuya screamed again and Jin looked at him, bewildered and frozen. “It hurts.”
The way his voice broke as he let out the words left Jin speechless. The dark eyes flickered to his own, a desperate and hopeless look was shot into his direction before the brown orbs widened in horror and Kazuya's mouth dropped open. “Just what are you doing to me?”
It was only a whisper, carrying fear and panic. Was Kazuya scared? Scared of him too?
“I'm not doing any...”
“What... what are you doing to me?” Kazuya repeated, still looking terrified and lost. He looked so young, Jin thought.
“Kazuya,” Jin said carefully, reaching out for the boy, who slowly started to slip down, almost slumping down to the floor before Jin managed to get a hold on him. His hands hesitantly circled around the slender arms, not really sure where he could touch Kazuya without hurting him too much.
The younger man let himself be guided outside and placed on the bed, now looking nothing else than tired and sleepy. Jin stood up and pulled away from the bed where Kazuya was sitting when the skinny fingers wrapped around his wrist. “Could you... could you put on the bandages for me?” he asked in a whisper and looked up, letting his eyes meet Jin's surprised look. “Like last time.”
A gentle smile tugged on Jin's lips as he nodded, feeling somehow relieved and happy by the request. “Yes.”
Kazuya nodded and looked away, his grip not loosening which made Jin wonder if the boy wanted to say something else. So he lowered himself and gave a reassuring nod.
“Can you... stay... here tonight?” Kazuya asked as if afraid of rejection. As if it was a stupid thing to ask. Jin had never felt happier.
“Sure, I'll stay. Just let me fetch the bandages and turn off the lights.”
Kazuya nodded and dropped his hand, falling silent.
After he grabbed everything he needed, Jin returned to the living room and switched the lights off when the blinking screen of his computer caught his eyes. He walked to his desk and leaned forward, his gaze resting on the article he had been reading and looked for the part where he had left off before Kazuya arrived.
There was only one sentence left unread and Jin now swept his eyes over the line before he turned off the computer.
“Everyone deserves to feel valued, respected, and safe.”
06.>>