Let's Play "Solar System"
In dishonor of the anniversary of the day a bunch of lab-monkeys decided that Pluto wasn't a planet, I present you all with a Pee-Wee's Playhouse fan script. This is a just for fun one-shot.
Pee-Wee: [he's wearing a toy space-helmet] Hey, Kids! My friends and I are playing Solar System. Come with me on an adventure of space exploration. Our first stop is at our sun. [Pee-Wee 'flies' over to a repeat pan with a bunch of hand-drawn stars on black construction paper. The pan turns and makes it look as though Pee-Wee is traveling through the line of planets one by one. The first one to enter is Mrs. Steve as the sun.]
Mrs. Steve[as the sun]: Don't even say it.
Pee-Wee: I see someone has got gas.
Mrs. Steve: Just Hydrogen and Helium but never forget, I'm a star and everything in the solar system revolves around me.
Pee-Wee: Well, I can't stay.
Mrs. Steve: Am I too hot for you?
Pee-Wee: No, if I stare at you for very long, I'll go blind. [He flies onward to Reba] Hey Mercury, isn't it awfully hot being so close to the sun?
Reba[as Mercury]: Only during the day, Pee-Wee. At night it's freezing cold.
Pee-Wee: Really? Why?
Reba: I have no atmosphere to keep myself warm, but it's all right, I move so quickly I barely notice anything. I've been clocked at 88 days to for me to complete my orbit around the sun, that's why I've been named after the messenger of the gods. Speaking of which, [Reba speeds away] duty calls!
Pee-Wee: [moves over to Miss Yvonne] Hubba, hubba! Aren't you the hottest planet?
Miss Yvonne[as Venus]: I am, Pee-Wee. I'm Venus. I'm named after the goddess of love and beauty.
Pee-Wee: I can sure see why. Can I see under your clouds?
Miss Yvonne: Many have tried.
Pee-Wee: Are you going my way, Beautiful?
Miss Yvonne: Sorry, I'm in retrograde.
Pee-Wee: [as Miss Yvonne floats away] Girls! [Pee-Wee moves past Tito as the moon quickly] I'm being mooned!
Tito: [as Pee-Wee passes] Just commanding the tides, Pee-Wee.
Pee-Wee: Keep at it! [Pee-Wee moves to Riccardo] How's it hanging, Mars?
Riccardo[as Mars]: Very well, Pee-Wee. I'm named after the god of war.
Pee-Wee: Is that why you're red? Or are you embarrassed by those two potatoes that you call moons?
Riccardo: Phobos and Demos? No way, they're my boys. I'm red because my surface is covered with iron oxide. I guess that's why they think I'm so tough. [he floats away] Audios!
Pee-Wee: [he's all the sudden attacked by flying rocks] Hey, stop it! [Cowboy Curtis floats over]
Cowboy Curtis[as the asteroid belt]: I can't. You're in the way.
Pee-Wee: Jeeze, I didn't know it was rush hour.
Cowboy Curtis: Hour? It's always like this in the asteroid belt, Pee-Wee. It's a very rough rocky range. Just the way I like it.
Pee-Wee: What's with all the rock throwing?
Cowboy Curtis: Those are all minor planets orbiting the sun.
Pee-Wee: There sure are a lot of them.
Cowboy Curtis: Yessir, millions of all shapes and sizes. Some are almost big enough to be planets themselves. [he leads Pee-Wee to the edge] This is it for the inner planets, now you gotta move on the outer planets.
Pee-Wee: [he floats to the King of Cartoons] Your majesty.
King of Cartoons: Greetings, Pee-Wee, I am Jupiter named for the king of the gods. I am the largest planet with a gravitational pull strong enough to crush a human being. But do not fear me, I'm usually a nice guy if you avoid my red spot.
Pee-Wee: Do you have iron on your surface too?
King of Cartoons: No, Pee-Wee, unlike the inner planets which are made of rock, we outer planets are made up of gasses. I myself, do not even have a surface. My red spot is an great big atmospheric storm that never dies down.
Pee-Wee: I see you have alot of moons.
King of Cartoons: Well, you know what they say Pee-Wee. [as he floats away] It's good to be king. [Pee-Wee moves to Mrs. Renee]
Mrs. Renee[as Saturn]: Hey there, Pee-Wee, I'm Saturn, named after the god of the harvest. Do you like my rings? You know, they're all the rage in these parts. All of us gas planets have a few rings at least, but I have thousands. [Pee-Wee can't get a word in edgewise] I may be big, but I'm not dense. If I were in a pool, I'd float. I'm also long-winded since I spin on my axis so fast. It's been awfully chatty, but I have to keep up with the all the latest trends. [as she floats away.] Toodle-oo, Dah-ling!
Pee-Wee: [moves to Jambi who is on his side] What's with you?
Jambi[as Uranus]: I see the universe at a different angle.
Pee-Wee: Huh?
Jambi: Just kidding. I float on my side. I'm not sure why. Maybe I just like to be different. I'm named after the god of the heavens.
Pee-Wee: Who?
Jambi: Uranus.
Pee-Wee: [as he moves away] I know you are, but what am I? [he moves over to Captain Carl].
Captain Carl[as Neptune]: Ahoy there, Pee-Wee! I'm Neptune god of the sea. Beware my dark spots.
Pee-Wee: You also have a storm?
Captain Carl: Two of them. Congratulations on reaching the edge of our solar system.
Pee-Wee: But what about---
Captain Carl: There's no one else.
Pee-Wee: So you're not seeing her anymore.
Captain Carl: Of course I'm still seeing her. [clears his throat] I mean, she is my neighbor. Although our last meeting was rather awkward. Her eliptical orbit makes her hard to find, but I make the effort. Good luck to you. [he floats away leaving Pee-Wee alone in space]
Pee-Wee: PLUUUUTOOOOO! [Little Pun'kin races by and waves] Hello, Halley's Comet. See you in July of 2061. [she exits] What a cameo. PLUTO! [Dixie floats up to Pee-Wee irritated]
Dixie[as Pluto]: What do you want?
Pee-Wee: I'm from Earth, Pluto, I wanted to visit you.
Dixie: Why, so you can laugh at a has-been planet.
Pee-Wee: You're no has-been.
Dixie: Oh really? For seventy-six years I put up with being named after the god of the underworld. I never minded being called the weird ice ball with the irregular orbit. It was all right if they called me slow; it does take me 248 earth years to orbit the sun. As long as I was accepted as a planet, I was satisfied. Then all the sudden they decide that I'm not one of them and boom, I'm dropped from this show, the solar system. Just forget about little Pluto, she's not important anymore. Let her go the way of the geocentric universe.
Pee-Wee: You are important, Pluto! And you're remembered for a lot more than just being a planet.
Dixie: Like what?
Pee-Wee: For being the mysterious traveler who moves to her own orbit. The one the kids want to know more about because you're so far away. You, Pluto, are pretty darn facinating.
Dixie: What does that matter? Nobody cares anymore! I'm just a rock in the sky not worthy of defending.
Pee-Wee: I care.
Captain Carl[reenters as Neptune]: I still love you, Pluto.
Dixie: [blushing slightly] You do?
Captain Carl: Of course, I do. You've always been here and I don't want you to go away. [the others reenter]
Miss Yvonne[as Venus]: We all love you, Pluto.
King of Cartoons[as Jupiter]: Indeed, the solar system would not be the same without you.
Pee-Wee: Hey kids, cheer if you still love Pluto! [pause for applause]. Cheer even louder if Pluto is still a planet to you. [more applause] That settles it, on behalf of your fans on Earth and all the members of the solar system we present you with the "Screw the experts you are are and forever will be a planet" award. [applause]
Dixie: I hardly know what to say except thank you, and if I may, I'd like to share this honor with my neighbor Eris.[Dottie enters]
Dottie[as Eris]: Hi, Everybody, I'm Eris. I was discovered in 2005 and named after the goddess of discord.
Everyone: Hi, Eris!
Pee-Wee: All those in favor of making Eris our tenth planet in our solar system cheer real loud. [applause] All those in favor of making all minor and dwarf planets official planets in our solar system cheer even louder. [applause] There you go scientists. The people have spoken. [cheers]
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