Dis Aliter Visum - Chapter 104 - 2,384 words
Note: this was so hard to write, but i think i did an okay job. there's a slight change in pov, and probably more switching in the next (final) chapter. don't hate me for the cliffhanger; it was my very last chance to put one in.
Beta-reader: unbeta'ed, unedited.
Chapter summary: "I wish -"
Chapter 104
Kuroro rose that morning, stretching slowly to work out the kinks in his neck due to sleeping on the rocky ground with little more than a few blankets. He wasn't surprised that Kurapica hadn't returned yet; digging alone would have taken the blond most of the night. Kuroro expected him to return soon, though. He took some time to make a small fire, just enough to put some water to boil. He could have gone without coffee, but didn't see the point in denying himself when he had all the means to make it. Besides, he was fairly certain that Kurapica would want some, depending what state of mind he came back with.
He didn't have long to wait to find out. He was just finishing his second cup when he glanced towards the opening in the cliffs and noticed the small figure walking towards him.
Immediately, he was on guard. He wasn't sure why, exactly. Perhaps it was the mere possibility of the blond being in a foul mood, but he doubted it. His instincts were sharp, and right now, everything in him warned him to be on the alert. He set his tin cup down and slowly got to his feet. Kurapica was still some distance away, but the Spider Head studied his approaching form carefully.
Kurapica's face was a little too blank, and there was a tense set to his shoulders that didn't bode well. He'd expected Kurapica to come back with some lingering pain and anger, but this was different. Kurapica wasn't huffy or outright angry, no.... No, he was determined.
Kuroro felt something strange, like the distant memory of - something. He would analyze it later. For now, he would focus on this, on Kurapica walking too carefully towards him. Once he was out of the small passage and on more even terrain, the blond stopped. Kuroro saw something strange flit over his face, too quick for him to identify.
“So you've returned,” he said carefully, studying Kurapica intently, needing to see every shift of muscle in case the Kuruta was feeling belligerent.
Kurapica tightened his fist, glanced down, then raised his gaze up to meet Kuroro's. Slowly, he raised his right hand, the same unreadable mask on his face. Kuroro took a step back and cocked his head to the side. Another swift expression flitted over Kurapica's face, gone nearly too fast for Kuroro to catch it. It was replaced by a determined frown. The blond should know that Kuroro was on his guard. There hadn't been this much tension between them for quite some time now.
They stared each other down for a minute or so, then Kurapica pursed his lips, and the rings and chained materialized on his fingers and hand. One fell free from his finger, with a hook at the end. Kuroro remembered this one. It brought back images of his capture in York Shin, the chains wrapped around his body, crushingly tight whenever the blond got angry.
So, it had come to this.
Kurapica's eyes switched to red, and Kuroro took a few careful step back. He wasn't going to attack first. Normally, it would be the wise thing to do, as the blond had all but initiated a fight. He would strike first and end it quickly, to avoid most of the damage that could result from a long, drawn-out fight, but he wanted to give Kurapica a chance to reconsider. It wasn't too late. Kuroro could forget his aggressive approach, excuse it with the emotional situation that Kurapica had just been in. If Kurapica decided to attack, however, Kuroro would not hesitate to crush him.
It would be a pity if the last Kuruta died here, today. And not just because he was the last of his kind. Kurapica was smart and strong and good company. Kuroro wanted him for his troupe, wanted his skills and his acumen... and, if he was quite honest with himself, his presence by his side. But all of this also made Kurapica extremely dangerous to the Gen'ei Ryodan. And so, if Kurapica decided to betray him here, Kuroro had no choice but to kill the blond.
“Kurapica,” he said, tone patient but with an edge of warning in his voice, “you don't want to do that.”
The blond's frown intensified, and his lips moved like he wanted to say something, but he forced himself to keep quiet.
“Kurapica,” the Spider Head addressed him again, “ if you do this, if you fight me, what will it accomplish? I might die, if you can defeat me, but the Spider will not die with me. And if I kill you instead, all that you have done so far will come to naught. Come on, now. Let's not do this.”
“I have to,” the younger man said, finally breaking his silence. “I swore an oath.”
“What's an oath, compared to your life?” Kuroro asked him.
Kurapica scoffed softly.
“You would think that, wouldn't you?”
“And if I kill you today,” Kuroro pointed out, “who would fulfill your oath then? Your friends? Your ghosts?”
He pushed back his windbreaker so that he could slip his hands into his trouser pockets. The pose was studiously casual, but he knew that Kurapica would know that it didn't mean that the Spider Head would be slow to react, were the blond to attack now.
“I would rather die trying than not try at all,” Kurapica replied. “I know that without the advantage of surprise, as I had last year, I stand very little chance of winning against you, but -” Kurapica's face shifted, as he obviously tried to keep a pained expression from showing on his fair features “- I must try.”
Kuroro inclined his head, accepting this without further argument. The Kuruta was determined, and no amount of words would change his mind. As he looked at the blond, something like a frown started pulling his eyebrows together, but he suppressed it. This would be a loss. All around. Nothing positive would come out of this fight. Kurapica would die, and for what? For the memory of people who were already gone, who would not witness or benefit from this. His heart felt heavy in his chest, and he felt something - sadness, perhaps; he wasn't entirely sure.
“Well, then,” he said, taking his hands out of his pockets and summoning his Skill Hunter book, “let's do this, since you are so determined to die.”
*****
Kurapica eyed his worst and best enemy and sized him up, not for the first time. This was so not going to work out for him. He knew that, without the advantage of surprise, he had absolutely no chance of winning, but he had to try, he had to! No matter his feelings in the matter - honestly, when had he ever paid attention to his own feelings? - he had to at least try to kill Kuroro so that he could quiet his ghosts! He paused in his musing there, because he couldn't help noticing that the only two ghosts whom he had to deal with daily were Spiders whom he had killed himself. And yet - yet! - he couldn't just sit there and let his oath remain unfulfilled. If he had to choose between his life and his honour, then he chose his honour. He would see an end to the Spiders, once and for all, or give up his life trying.
Something must have shown of his resolve, because Kuroro was holding his book now, watching him as if daring him to make the first move. It occurred to Kurapica that the Spider Head was still waiting to see if he would dare attack. If Kurapica didn't, then - what? Would Kuroro brush this off as irrelevant? Would he pretend that Kurapica had never even considered attacking him the moment he'd gotten what he needed from him? Could he really put it all behind him as easily as this? Kurapica doubted it. He knew he wouldn't.
It had been too late for them the moment Kuroro had realized his intentions.
His decision irrevocably taken, Kurapica lunged to the side, making his chain swing around the taller man in an obvious attempt to capture him. Kuroro jumped back, easily avoiding the chain, and made the Fun Fun Cloth appear. This confused the blond, as he'd ever seen the man use this to carry things. A moment later, he realized that Kuroro was using it to mask his moves, as he suddenly sprang to the left of it, a knife in his hand. Kurapica jumped back, barely avoiding the blade, which he knew to be poisoned, but his mind went to the nights spent with the Spider Head, when Kuroro reached out to him with caressing fingers and not a dagger.
Kurapica stumbled back for half a step and concealed his Chain Jail while sending his Dousing Chain, hoping to distract Kuroro and have him focus his attention on it. The older man avoided it easily and disappeared behind the large cloth again. Kurapica tried to duck to the side as Kuroro sent his Fun Fun Cloth towards him, and had a moment of panic when he thought perhaps he'd been caught under the fabric, but he rolled to the side, quickly finding his feet again. He wasn't sure if a living being could be caught in the stolen ability, but he didn't want to risk it. If that cloth wrapped around him, the chances were that he would be made prisoner, if he didn't die outright.
Kuroro suddenly appeared from behind the fabric and his hand wrapped around Kurapica's wrist. He gave it a pull, and all Kurapica could think of for a moment was that time he'd straddled Kuroro on a couch, and their play-fight for dominance, how Kuroro had tried to catch his hands even as he thrust up into the blond. Kurapica snatched his hand back with a hiss, and to his surprise, Kuroro let him go. They both hesitated for a moment, eyeing each other, then Kurapica jumped back and sent his chain at the older man again.
He needed space, needed - he didn't know what he needed, exactly. His body and mind, which he was so used to have tight control over, weren't listening to him. He didn't need to think of the good times they'd had, didn't need the visual of their lovemaking, not now, not when they were embroiled in a battle from which only one of them would walk out. He thought he could erase it all, could overcome it, could go on like Kuroro had never kissed or touched him, but then he caught Kuroro's eyes and his resolve crumbled, his mind rebelled against what he had to do.
I wish -
Wishing never got people anywhere. Kurapica wasn't going to survive on just a wish. He didn't really want to put an end to this fight, anyway, not really. Not the real him, anyway. The real him, the Kurapica who hadn't been twisted beyond recognition by this man, this murderer, that Kurapica would never wish for anything other than complete annihilation of the man who'd shattered his childhood with a genocide done simply out of greed. He wouldn't be running circles around his man now, trying to capture him again, rather than kill him.
I wish we weren't -
Capturing him would not end this, Kurapica knew. It hadn't, back in York Shin the previous year. He had to end this, once and for all. He had to end him, end the Spiders, once and for all. And yet, as he sent his chain at the older man again, he knew that he had to eradicate every thought, every feeling that he had ever had about Kuroro as a man, and not as the Spider he represented. Kuroro had to die inside of him, before he would be able to kill the man. He knew that, and he tried, gods, he tried to distance himself from the events of the past months, to replace Kuroro's intense, dark eyes by the cold, calculated gaze from last year. He had to forget the touch of his hands and the sound of his voice, murmuring Kurapica's name softly.
I wish we weren't us; I wish -
He jumped to one side, barely avoiding something Kuroro had thrown at him. Too late, did Kurapica recognize it as a stiletto blade. Thinner than his usual knife, it stuck a tree and wobbled there. He didn't know these blades, had never seen them. Were they made of nen or actual blades? Were they poisoned? All he could do was avoid them as best he could and hope that if they did graze him, they weren't poisonous like his Benz knife. He dodged aside, threw one hand down to level himself behind a rock as three more of these thin blades were thrown right where he'd been not a moment before. He blinked away the sting from sweat in his eyes, but then there was an animal call and, hoping it would have distracted the Spider Head, he jumped up to the lower branch of a tree.
It failed.
He heard the whistle of another of these throwing knives and jumped higher, then kicked at the tree trunk to jump to another tree beside it. He had to duck to avoid another of Kuroro's attack, but then he kicked at this trunk too, propelling himself towards the older man. He couldn't stay on the defensive like this, he'd just tire himself out and he'd never be able to capture Kuroro.
He managed to get close, sidestepped the Fun Fun Cloth and punched, right, left, right, in quick successions. Kuroro's book and cloth disappeared and he used his free hands to deflect the punch, pushing them to the sides rather than stopping them cold, so that the blond's fist hit air on either side of his head. He then kicked at Kurapica's middle, but the Kuruta had anticipated them move and jumped away safely. They gauged each other a moment, trying to find an opening in their opponent.
I wish we weren't us; I wish things were different.
“All right,” Kuroro said, making Kurapica tense apprehensively, “let's finish this.”
Beta-reader: unbeta'ed, unedited.
Chapter summary: "I wish -"
Chapter 104
Kuroro rose that morning, stretching slowly to work out the kinks in his neck due to sleeping on the rocky ground with little more than a few blankets. He wasn't surprised that Kurapica hadn't returned yet; digging alone would have taken the blond most of the night. Kuroro expected him to return soon, though. He took some time to make a small fire, just enough to put some water to boil. He could have gone without coffee, but didn't see the point in denying himself when he had all the means to make it. Besides, he was fairly certain that Kurapica would want some, depending what state of mind he came back with.
He didn't have long to wait to find out. He was just finishing his second cup when he glanced towards the opening in the cliffs and noticed the small figure walking towards him.
Immediately, he was on guard. He wasn't sure why, exactly. Perhaps it was the mere possibility of the blond being in a foul mood, but he doubted it. His instincts were sharp, and right now, everything in him warned him to be on the alert. He set his tin cup down and slowly got to his feet. Kurapica was still some distance away, but the Spider Head studied his approaching form carefully.
Kurapica's face was a little too blank, and there was a tense set to his shoulders that didn't bode well. He'd expected Kurapica to come back with some lingering pain and anger, but this was different. Kurapica wasn't huffy or outright angry, no.... No, he was determined.
Kuroro felt something strange, like the distant memory of - something. He would analyze it later. For now, he would focus on this, on Kurapica walking too carefully towards him. Once he was out of the small passage and on more even terrain, the blond stopped. Kuroro saw something strange flit over his face, too quick for him to identify.
“So you've returned,” he said carefully, studying Kurapica intently, needing to see every shift of muscle in case the Kuruta was feeling belligerent.
Kurapica tightened his fist, glanced down, then raised his gaze up to meet Kuroro's. Slowly, he raised his right hand, the same unreadable mask on his face. Kuroro took a step back and cocked his head to the side. Another swift expression flitted over Kurapica's face, gone nearly too fast for Kuroro to catch it. It was replaced by a determined frown. The blond should know that Kuroro was on his guard. There hadn't been this much tension between them for quite some time now.
They stared each other down for a minute or so, then Kurapica pursed his lips, and the rings and chained materialized on his fingers and hand. One fell free from his finger, with a hook at the end. Kuroro remembered this one. It brought back images of his capture in York Shin, the chains wrapped around his body, crushingly tight whenever the blond got angry.
So, it had come to this.
Kurapica's eyes switched to red, and Kuroro took a few careful step back. He wasn't going to attack first. Normally, it would be the wise thing to do, as the blond had all but initiated a fight. He would strike first and end it quickly, to avoid most of the damage that could result from a long, drawn-out fight, but he wanted to give Kurapica a chance to reconsider. It wasn't too late. Kuroro could forget his aggressive approach, excuse it with the emotional situation that Kurapica had just been in. If Kurapica decided to attack, however, Kuroro would not hesitate to crush him.
It would be a pity if the last Kuruta died here, today. And not just because he was the last of his kind. Kurapica was smart and strong and good company. Kuroro wanted him for his troupe, wanted his skills and his acumen... and, if he was quite honest with himself, his presence by his side. But all of this also made Kurapica extremely dangerous to the Gen'ei Ryodan. And so, if Kurapica decided to betray him here, Kuroro had no choice but to kill the blond.
“Kurapica,” he said, tone patient but with an edge of warning in his voice, “you don't want to do that.”
The blond's frown intensified, and his lips moved like he wanted to say something, but he forced himself to keep quiet.
“Kurapica,” the Spider Head addressed him again, “ if you do this, if you fight me, what will it accomplish? I might die, if you can defeat me, but the Spider will not die with me. And if I kill you instead, all that you have done so far will come to naught. Come on, now. Let's not do this.”
“I have to,” the younger man said, finally breaking his silence. “I swore an oath.”
“What's an oath, compared to your life?” Kuroro asked him.
Kurapica scoffed softly.
“You would think that, wouldn't you?”
“And if I kill you today,” Kuroro pointed out, “who would fulfill your oath then? Your friends? Your ghosts?”
He pushed back his windbreaker so that he could slip his hands into his trouser pockets. The pose was studiously casual, but he knew that Kurapica would know that it didn't mean that the Spider Head would be slow to react, were the blond to attack now.
“I would rather die trying than not try at all,” Kurapica replied. “I know that without the advantage of surprise, as I had last year, I stand very little chance of winning against you, but -” Kurapica's face shifted, as he obviously tried to keep a pained expression from showing on his fair features “- I must try.”
Kuroro inclined his head, accepting this without further argument. The Kuruta was determined, and no amount of words would change his mind. As he looked at the blond, something like a frown started pulling his eyebrows together, but he suppressed it. This would be a loss. All around. Nothing positive would come out of this fight. Kurapica would die, and for what? For the memory of people who were already gone, who would not witness or benefit from this. His heart felt heavy in his chest, and he felt something - sadness, perhaps; he wasn't entirely sure.
“Well, then,” he said, taking his hands out of his pockets and summoning his Skill Hunter book, “let's do this, since you are so determined to die.”
*****
Kurapica eyed his worst and best enemy and sized him up, not for the first time. This was so not going to work out for him. He knew that, without the advantage of surprise, he had absolutely no chance of winning, but he had to try, he had to! No matter his feelings in the matter - honestly, when had he ever paid attention to his own feelings? - he had to at least try to kill Kuroro so that he could quiet his ghosts! He paused in his musing there, because he couldn't help noticing that the only two ghosts whom he had to deal with daily were Spiders whom he had killed himself. And yet - yet! - he couldn't just sit there and let his oath remain unfulfilled. If he had to choose between his life and his honour, then he chose his honour. He would see an end to the Spiders, once and for all, or give up his life trying.
Something must have shown of his resolve, because Kuroro was holding his book now, watching him as if daring him to make the first move. It occurred to Kurapica that the Spider Head was still waiting to see if he would dare attack. If Kurapica didn't, then - what? Would Kuroro brush this off as irrelevant? Would he pretend that Kurapica had never even considered attacking him the moment he'd gotten what he needed from him? Could he really put it all behind him as easily as this? Kurapica doubted it. He knew he wouldn't.
It had been too late for them the moment Kuroro had realized his intentions.
His decision irrevocably taken, Kurapica lunged to the side, making his chain swing around the taller man in an obvious attempt to capture him. Kuroro jumped back, easily avoiding the chain, and made the Fun Fun Cloth appear. This confused the blond, as he'd ever seen the man use this to carry things. A moment later, he realized that Kuroro was using it to mask his moves, as he suddenly sprang to the left of it, a knife in his hand. Kurapica jumped back, barely avoiding the blade, which he knew to be poisoned, but his mind went to the nights spent with the Spider Head, when Kuroro reached out to him with caressing fingers and not a dagger.
Kurapica stumbled back for half a step and concealed his Chain Jail while sending his Dousing Chain, hoping to distract Kuroro and have him focus his attention on it. The older man avoided it easily and disappeared behind the large cloth again. Kurapica tried to duck to the side as Kuroro sent his Fun Fun Cloth towards him, and had a moment of panic when he thought perhaps he'd been caught under the fabric, but he rolled to the side, quickly finding his feet again. He wasn't sure if a living being could be caught in the stolen ability, but he didn't want to risk it. If that cloth wrapped around him, the chances were that he would be made prisoner, if he didn't die outright.
Kuroro suddenly appeared from behind the fabric and his hand wrapped around Kurapica's wrist. He gave it a pull, and all Kurapica could think of for a moment was that time he'd straddled Kuroro on a couch, and their play-fight for dominance, how Kuroro had tried to catch his hands even as he thrust up into the blond. Kurapica snatched his hand back with a hiss, and to his surprise, Kuroro let him go. They both hesitated for a moment, eyeing each other, then Kurapica jumped back and sent his chain at the older man again.
He needed space, needed - he didn't know what he needed, exactly. His body and mind, which he was so used to have tight control over, weren't listening to him. He didn't need to think of the good times they'd had, didn't need the visual of their lovemaking, not now, not when they were embroiled in a battle from which only one of them would walk out. He thought he could erase it all, could overcome it, could go on like Kuroro had never kissed or touched him, but then he caught Kuroro's eyes and his resolve crumbled, his mind rebelled against what he had to do.
I wish -
Wishing never got people anywhere. Kurapica wasn't going to survive on just a wish. He didn't really want to put an end to this fight, anyway, not really. Not the real him, anyway. The real him, the Kurapica who hadn't been twisted beyond recognition by this man, this murderer, that Kurapica would never wish for anything other than complete annihilation of the man who'd shattered his childhood with a genocide done simply out of greed. He wouldn't be running circles around his man now, trying to capture him again, rather than kill him.
I wish we weren't -
Capturing him would not end this, Kurapica knew. It hadn't, back in York Shin the previous year. He had to end this, once and for all. He had to end him, end the Spiders, once and for all. And yet, as he sent his chain at the older man again, he knew that he had to eradicate every thought, every feeling that he had ever had about Kuroro as a man, and not as the Spider he represented. Kuroro had to die inside of him, before he would be able to kill the man. He knew that, and he tried, gods, he tried to distance himself from the events of the past months, to replace Kuroro's intense, dark eyes by the cold, calculated gaze from last year. He had to forget the touch of his hands and the sound of his voice, murmuring Kurapica's name softly.
I wish we weren't us; I wish -
He jumped to one side, barely avoiding something Kuroro had thrown at him. Too late, did Kurapica recognize it as a stiletto blade. Thinner than his usual knife, it stuck a tree and wobbled there. He didn't know these blades, had never seen them. Were they made of nen or actual blades? Were they poisoned? All he could do was avoid them as best he could and hope that if they did graze him, they weren't poisonous like his Benz knife. He dodged aside, threw one hand down to level himself behind a rock as three more of these thin blades were thrown right where he'd been not a moment before. He blinked away the sting from sweat in his eyes, but then there was an animal call and, hoping it would have distracted the Spider Head, he jumped up to the lower branch of a tree.
It failed.
He heard the whistle of another of these throwing knives and jumped higher, then kicked at the tree trunk to jump to another tree beside it. He had to duck to avoid another of Kuroro's attack, but then he kicked at this trunk too, propelling himself towards the older man. He couldn't stay on the defensive like this, he'd just tire himself out and he'd never be able to capture Kuroro.
He managed to get close, sidestepped the Fun Fun Cloth and punched, right, left, right, in quick successions. Kuroro's book and cloth disappeared and he used his free hands to deflect the punch, pushing them to the sides rather than stopping them cold, so that the blond's fist hit air on either side of his head. He then kicked at Kurapica's middle, but the Kuruta had anticipated them move and jumped away safely. They gauged each other a moment, trying to find an opening in their opponent.
I wish we weren't us; I wish things were different.
“All right,” Kuroro said, making Kurapica tense apprehensively, “let's finish this.”