5 things about me
1. I have a muse and it is not my cat
2. I participate in musical genius
3. I totally rock at dream analysis
4. I believe we are our own gods
5. I get it...at least for today
I am still sitting at my laptop at 10:30 on a Saturday morning, sipping my 3rd cup of coffee when I know I should be up and busy cleaning house or something. Kaylee (our cat) is mewing from the backyard to be let in, even though it is a beautiful, sunny morning and she should be perfectly content to lie in the sun on the deck....but no. She wants IN dammit! and she wants in NOWWWWW, MNOWWW, MEOWWWWWWW!! The vitamin D in the sunshine is good for her.
1. I am ignoring her for her own good....and a little bit because I feel the writing juices flowing and I don't want to interrupt my muse.
*************************
We went to the Yucatan Beach Club in Coppell last night to hear Binge. Those kids ROCK! I love watching them, and find myself grinning at their youth and their intensity and their talent as I bounce and groove to their sound. I love musicians and the way they express life and emotions and stories as a prism. There's always another facet and another color from which to view life and experience, and another point from which to express it. Like writing. I love it that Daniel is out there, experiencing this facet of himself. I've loved the whole process of watching him grow from the awkward teenager teaching himself guitar, strumming the same chords over and over, a thousand times, to the artist he is today....still growing, still finding himself...out there doing it ~ and letting us in to be part of it. That Christmas when he was four, and we gave him a $2.99 digital piano in his stocking was a stroke of cosmic luck...or direction. In the whole Christmas video of that year, he is hunched over that tinny, musical toy; stopping only to unwrap the next present we pushed into his view, dutifully unwrapped and exclaimed over, then receding, as he was drawn hypnotically back to the portal that gave expression to one of the languages of his soul.
2. I love the creative journey, expression, outlet and connectivity of the music that is an expression of life, of my son, and I love this kid.
*************************
I dreamed of flying last night and a new element was introduced. That intrigues me and I wonder what it means. My flying dreams have stayed basically the same all the years of my life. In the past couple of years they have begun to change, so I know that is supposed to be a sign of changes in me. My flying dreams, for most of my life from childhood on, have always been more......airdancing.....graceful and liquid movements like underwater ballet. I always stayed pretty close to the ground and if I actually journeyed in the flying, telephone and electrical wires were always a hindrance and I never rose very high. The times I did manage to get past them, I would shoot into the stratosphere so fast and so high I would scare myself and wake up with heart-pounding and that weird bounce feeling as if I had just landed in my bed.
Then, I began having flying dreams where I controlled the height of my flying and got just above the wires and was able to travel for distances, often with a fear of going too far and getting lost. In all my years of flying, I never met another person "up there" until recently. That has happened only twice and I was shocked the first time, and delighted the second. Last night a new element appeared. I took off flying, got past the wires without any trouble and soared high enough that I was above a flock of geese. The air has always been mine - vast and empty - and now I'm sharing the air with these beautiful birds in their element, but above them where we did not disturb one another. And I actually had the presence of mind to realize I should not fly below them.....bird poop you know. There were also four or five cute little penguins flying up there with us, but backwards, looking back at me.
Now, I know all this is supposed to relate to my psyche some where and I'm just trying to figure out what the geese and the penguins are in my waking life. I don't think they represent fears as it was all so peaceful. The geese had the problem of possibly pooping on me, and the penguins were darling and comical. Okay so I'm going to say the geese represent the natural elements in life that are part of our journey. They aren't good or bad, just life - with the potential of being shitty but it's nothing personal. It's just life and what life entails. The penguins are 4 or 5 things going on with me that are out of their element, so it's all about perspective. When I look back on it, will I be able to laugh? Will I smile at the way I handled what was thrown in the mix.
3. I totally rock at dream analysis.
*************************
I am at the heaviest weight I've ever been. Last year, for so many reasons, I gave myself over to food and alcohol. I'm not happy about that but I do have to acknowledge the areas where I am the author of my own chaos. I gained a tremendous amount of weight in a very short time. The daily consumption of Andre Dry for months on end has given me....well....a champagne belly. Carbonation is bad, Bad, BAD. At work, there were assumptions for a couple of months, that I was pregnant. And I'm mildly curious as to why that does not upset me. I think, seriously, it's the meds and that the anti-anxiety prescription is doing its job. With dedication. (Please don't lecture me in your mind about combining alcohol and meds....I know, I KNOW.....I am honest about it with my therapist and my doctor so....working on it.)
I am not upset by much of anything. I look in the mirror and I see me in a body that is not mine. I am so sure that it is not mine, that it doesn't even upset me that I'm inhabiting it temporarily. And because I know it's temporary, I don't mind that it's temporary for a bit longer. Something like that. I just keep buying bigger clothes, don't even try to hide my weight any longer with skillful choosings of colors and tapers and consciousness-altering undergarments that squeeze the living breath out of me. I just smile at the REAL body that's hibernating in there somewhere, and I wave in passing, promising that I'll be back soon.
So we're at the club last night and I'm in my amped-up, night-out-at-a-club makeup and wispy, high-volume hair, and brand new outfit that I bought for the occasion (one more size larger, ooookay...maybe it's time to stop) - and I feel like I look as good as is possible in my body-snatcher condition. I catch the eye of some guy as we're paying our cover at the door and I smiled at him....just a gracious, "hey", sort of smile, simply because we made eye contact. He smiled back and that was that.
I notice him again later because he's sitting at the bar with his back to the band and facing toward our table. The position of his bar stool is so he can have a view of the whole bar (I assume), people coming in the door etc.....watching for single women, or maybe just people watching...and I just happen to catch his glances as he sweeps the room, catching his eye a couple of more times. Sometimes he smiles at me before I look away. Maybe we're having such a good time at our table, he's enjoying our life-force. Okay, probably not, but these cosmic concepts occur to Virgos, so it occurred to me that way. Sue me.
As I'm washing my hands in the restroom, under the bright flourescent lighting, I view myself critically in the mirror - critical as in asessment, not as in judgment - and I think for the umpteenth time in my life that I want to have some kind of skin rejuvenation done. Something to address all the acne scaring that has plagued me all the years of life since I was 14. I know what I can pull off under makeup and dim lighting. I want to experience pretty skin that reflects a positive and confident expression of life in the light; what life has tried to be...tried to force on me as it were, and what I have taken it and made it become. With MY will, my life-force, my perseverance, my awareness and my attributes. Life wants to give me scars? Screw that.
I move back into the dimness of the club, and Mr. Bar Surveyor watches me walk to my table, then shoots me a grin. He's just a guy holding down a bar stool but I wish I could grin back with more confidence than I feel. It's just life. People out having a good time, being present, enjoying the moment, shooting out sparks of minor connection, because, hey, we're all in this together. I wish I could just smile a genuine, friendly smile that comes from a core of loving life and being happy to be in a position to radiate that and spread it around, 'cause Lord knows - we all need more friendly, more happiness, more loving the life we're living.
Mr. BS (pun intended) makes me realize, I'm not hibernating, I'm hiding. What am I hiding from under these layers of fat and alcohol-glazed days and nights? Why do I withhold the best of me from myself, and hide behind what is less than what I have to offer myself? I avert my eyes and do not smile because I feel so....unworthy...not of him, but of me. If I want pretty skin, why have I not provided that for myself yet? I am letting the temporary overtake me and become the real. Oh Virgo woman, you weary yourself with questions and words. Do it. Get out there in the mix and do it. I spend a lot of time wondering why I am not living my life as my best self instead of LIVING my life as my best self.
4. I believe penguins are trying to tell me something of cosmic importance.
*************************
I have Christmas decorations scattered all over my living room. Boxes of half packed, half unpacked Christmas decorations that need to be put away for the year. It is nearly one o'clock on a beautiful Saturday. Sometimes I use writing as an escape. Like food and alcohol. And sometimes, just sometimes it gets all the words out of my head and frees me. Flying is not just for birds. I just joined Weight Watchers online. I am going to pay myself $5 for every pound I lose. The funds will pay for the first couple of appointments with a Cosmetic Dermatologist for the procedures I want done. I just made my first appointment for the first week in March.
I let the cat in and packed up a a couple of boxes of procrastination. Two down.
5. I am smiling just because it's a beautiful Saturday.
2. I participate in musical genius
3. I totally rock at dream analysis
4. I believe we are our own gods
5. I get it...at least for today
I am still sitting at my laptop at 10:30 on a Saturday morning, sipping my 3rd cup of coffee when I know I should be up and busy cleaning house or something. Kaylee (our cat) is mewing from the backyard to be let in, even though it is a beautiful, sunny morning and she should be perfectly content to lie in the sun on the deck....but no. She wants IN dammit! and she wants in NOWWWWW, MNOWWW, MEOWWWWWWW!! The vitamin D in the sunshine is good for her.
1. I am ignoring her for her own good....and a little bit because I feel the writing juices flowing and I don't want to interrupt my muse.
*************************
We went to the Yucatan Beach Club in Coppell last night to hear Binge. Those kids ROCK! I love watching them, and find myself grinning at their youth and their intensity and their talent as I bounce and groove to their sound. I love musicians and the way they express life and emotions and stories as a prism. There's always another facet and another color from which to view life and experience, and another point from which to express it. Like writing. I love it that Daniel is out there, experiencing this facet of himself. I've loved the whole process of watching him grow from the awkward teenager teaching himself guitar, strumming the same chords over and over, a thousand times, to the artist he is today....still growing, still finding himself...out there doing it ~ and letting us in to be part of it. That Christmas when he was four, and we gave him a $2.99 digital piano in his stocking was a stroke of cosmic luck...or direction. In the whole Christmas video of that year, he is hunched over that tinny, musical toy; stopping only to unwrap the next present we pushed into his view, dutifully unwrapped and exclaimed over, then receding, as he was drawn hypnotically back to the portal that gave expression to one of the languages of his soul.
2. I love the creative journey, expression, outlet and connectivity of the music that is an expression of life, of my son, and I love this kid.
*************************
I dreamed of flying last night and a new element was introduced. That intrigues me and I wonder what it means. My flying dreams have stayed basically the same all the years of my life. In the past couple of years they have begun to change, so I know that is supposed to be a sign of changes in me. My flying dreams, for most of my life from childhood on, have always been more......airdancing.....graceful and liquid movements like underwater ballet. I always stayed pretty close to the ground and if I actually journeyed in the flying, telephone and electrical wires were always a hindrance and I never rose very high. The times I did manage to get past them, I would shoot into the stratosphere so fast and so high I would scare myself and wake up with heart-pounding and that weird bounce feeling as if I had just landed in my bed.
Then, I began having flying dreams where I controlled the height of my flying and got just above the wires and was able to travel for distances, often with a fear of going too far and getting lost. In all my years of flying, I never met another person "up there" until recently. That has happened only twice and I was shocked the first time, and delighted the second. Last night a new element appeared. I took off flying, got past the wires without any trouble and soared high enough that I was above a flock of geese. The air has always been mine - vast and empty - and now I'm sharing the air with these beautiful birds in their element, but above them where we did not disturb one another. And I actually had the presence of mind to realize I should not fly below them.....bird poop you know. There were also four or five cute little penguins flying up there with us, but backwards, looking back at me.
Now, I know all this is supposed to relate to my psyche some where and I'm just trying to figure out what the geese and the penguins are in my waking life. I don't think they represent fears as it was all so peaceful. The geese had the problem of possibly pooping on me, and the penguins were darling and comical. Okay so I'm going to say the geese represent the natural elements in life that are part of our journey. They aren't good or bad, just life - with the potential of being shitty but it's nothing personal. It's just life and what life entails. The penguins are 4 or 5 things going on with me that are out of their element, so it's all about perspective. When I look back on it, will I be able to laugh? Will I smile at the way I handled what was thrown in the mix.
3. I totally rock at dream analysis.
*************************
I am at the heaviest weight I've ever been. Last year, for so many reasons, I gave myself over to food and alcohol. I'm not happy about that but I do have to acknowledge the areas where I am the author of my own chaos. I gained a tremendous amount of weight in a very short time. The daily consumption of Andre Dry for months on end has given me....well....a champagne belly. Carbonation is bad, Bad, BAD. At work, there were assumptions for a couple of months, that I was pregnant. And I'm mildly curious as to why that does not upset me. I think, seriously, it's the meds and that the anti-anxiety prescription is doing its job. With dedication. (Please don't lecture me in your mind about combining alcohol and meds....I know, I KNOW.....I am honest about it with my therapist and my doctor so....working on it.)
I am not upset by much of anything. I look in the mirror and I see me in a body that is not mine. I am so sure that it is not mine, that it doesn't even upset me that I'm inhabiting it temporarily. And because I know it's temporary, I don't mind that it's temporary for a bit longer. Something like that. I just keep buying bigger clothes, don't even try to hide my weight any longer with skillful choosings of colors and tapers and consciousness-altering undergarments that squeeze the living breath out of me. I just smile at the REAL body that's hibernating in there somewhere, and I wave in passing, promising that I'll be back soon.
So we're at the club last night and I'm in my amped-up, night-out-at-a-club makeup and wispy, high-volume hair, and brand new outfit that I bought for the occasion (one more size larger, ooookay...maybe it's time to stop) - and I feel like I look as good as is possible in my body-snatcher condition. I catch the eye of some guy as we're paying our cover at the door and I smiled at him....just a gracious, "hey", sort of smile, simply because we made eye contact. He smiled back and that was that.
I notice him again later because he's sitting at the bar with his back to the band and facing toward our table. The position of his bar stool is so he can have a view of the whole bar (I assume), people coming in the door etc.....watching for single women, or maybe just people watching...and I just happen to catch his glances as he sweeps the room, catching his eye a couple of more times. Sometimes he smiles at me before I look away. Maybe we're having such a good time at our table, he's enjoying our life-force. Okay, probably not, but these cosmic concepts occur to Virgos, so it occurred to me that way. Sue me.
As I'm washing my hands in the restroom, under the bright flourescent lighting, I view myself critically in the mirror - critical as in asessment, not as in judgment - and I think for the umpteenth time in my life that I want to have some kind of skin rejuvenation done. Something to address all the acne scaring that has plagued me all the years of life since I was 14. I know what I can pull off under makeup and dim lighting. I want to experience pretty skin that reflects a positive and confident expression of life in the light; what life has tried to be...tried to force on me as it were, and what I have taken it and made it become. With MY will, my life-force, my perseverance, my awareness and my attributes. Life wants to give me scars? Screw that.
I move back into the dimness of the club, and Mr. Bar Surveyor watches me walk to my table, then shoots me a grin. He's just a guy holding down a bar stool but I wish I could grin back with more confidence than I feel. It's just life. People out having a good time, being present, enjoying the moment, shooting out sparks of minor connection, because, hey, we're all in this together. I wish I could just smile a genuine, friendly smile that comes from a core of loving life and being happy to be in a position to radiate that and spread it around, 'cause Lord knows - we all need more friendly, more happiness, more loving the life we're living.
Mr. BS (pun intended) makes me realize, I'm not hibernating, I'm hiding. What am I hiding from under these layers of fat and alcohol-glazed days and nights? Why do I withhold the best of me from myself, and hide behind what is less than what I have to offer myself? I avert my eyes and do not smile because I feel so....unworthy...not of him, but of me. If I want pretty skin, why have I not provided that for myself yet? I am letting the temporary overtake me and become the real. Oh Virgo woman, you weary yourself with questions and words. Do it. Get out there in the mix and do it. I spend a lot of time wondering why I am not living my life as my best self instead of LIVING my life as my best self.
4. I believe penguins are trying to tell me something of cosmic importance.
*************************
I have Christmas decorations scattered all over my living room. Boxes of half packed, half unpacked Christmas decorations that need to be put away for the year. It is nearly one o'clock on a beautiful Saturday. Sometimes I use writing as an escape. Like food and alcohol. And sometimes, just sometimes it gets all the words out of my head and frees me. Flying is not just for birds. I just joined Weight Watchers online. I am going to pay myself $5 for every pound I lose. The funds will pay for the first couple of appointments with a Cosmetic Dermatologist for the procedures I want done. I just made my first appointment for the first week in March.
I let the cat in and packed up a a couple of boxes of procrastination. Two down.
5. I am smiling just because it's a beautiful Saturday.