Chapter Fifteen -- Scene II
...I write too much.
Atsushi was tired all the way down to his bones. Sitting across from the stern-looking head detective, all he really wanted to do was go hide in a dark corner somewhere instead of facing these questions again.
The biggest difference he supposed was that he couldn’t tell the truth this time. He had to work his way around the words, making sure not to talk himself into a trap, and he just wasn’t feeling up to it.
Some part of him wished that Imai had been able to remain perched on the chair at his side. But that was the first thing the detective had insisted upon-they were all to be questioned separately. As if they were the criminals. They were all in the same room still, but apparently they were far enough apart for the detective’s peace of mind.
There had been a moment when Atsushi had feared the Imai might get himself arrested when he refused to move at first, but he’d relented eventually with such a sullen look on his face that Atsushi might have laughed if he’d had the energy.
As it was he could see Imai occasionally glancing in his direction from where he’d been sequestered in a chair by the door. The police might derive another reason for his apparent worry, but Atsushi didn’t care. All he could focus on, and barely at that, was the man in front of him.
“So you don’t know who sent this to you, Sakurai-san?” Detective Onishi asked him. He was a thin, seemingly high-strung man who appeared to take his job very seriously. For Atsushi, in that moment, it was too seriously.
“There wasn’t a name on the package,” Atsushi answered plainly.
“Yes, I saw that…but I was also wondering if maybe you might know despite the lack of a return address?” He was probing for answers but he wasn’t going to get a thing from Atsushi.
“I’ve never met anyone who would want to send me…that,” Atsushi replied, not having to fake his hesitation at the end.
“Hmm…” The detective titled his head to the side as he studied Atsushi. “You get a lot of fan mail and such, right?”
Atsushi’s brow furrowed lightly in confusion. What has he getting at? “Yes…I do.”
“And how much of that arrives at concerts?”
“Nothing really besides the flowers…”
“I see… But you’ve gotten packages before?”
“Not at the concert hall.” That wasn’t exactly true…he had received the book that Tsukino had sent him at a concert venue, but that was different. He had been expecting it… “At venues the most I’ve gotten are a few notes that were passed on through staff and such, but that’s very rare.”
“But you’ve gotten packages through your management outside the concert hall?”
“Yes, with the rest of my fan mail. I get a lot of gifts…” Atsushi was starting to feel extremely on edge now. He was not ready for this, he realized with a sinking feeling. He could barely think straight; this man was not what he needed right now.
“And…no one had every hinted at such a…morbid personality?”
Atsushi bit his bottom lip. Actually, he’d encountered many fans that were rather morbid. Those letters were often very distressing and hard for him to read. In fact he often received letters that weren’t what he’d call ‘light reading’ material. Apparently a famous person was also an outlet for bottled up feelings? Or did they simply want him to realize they were human too? He knew they were, he wasn’t blind-apparently they thought so low of him not to realize that themselves?
“Sakurai-san?”
Atsushi swallowed. “I…yes, I suppose some have. I don’t really remember who they were though… They usually write with pen names or some such… Once and a while I get a name and address scrawled at the bottom but…I never remember them.”
“I see.” The detective scratched something on the pad in his hand. “So if I were to ask you if anyone said something that could relate to this incident you wouldn’t know?”
The man’s laidback yet accusing tone annoyed Atsushi, and he was rather surprised that it did so. Perhaps he had some fight in him yet. “Yes, that’s right.”
“I see…”
Atsushi’s jaw tightened in irritation. How many times would that man say that stupid phrase?
“Now, you said you don’t get that many packages at concert venues.”
“I actually said none,” Atsushi answered levelly.
The detective’s eyebrow quirked a fraction. “Ah. Yes, none. Besides today.”
Atsushi didn’t reply; he simply regarded the man in front of him warily, trying to figure him out.
“So you say that you don’t usually-you never, I’m sorry-get packages from fans at venues,” Detective Onishi repeated blithely.
Atsushi stayed silent again, but he did nod. The detective seemed so relaxed, but something about him was setting Atsushi on edge. He felt trapped by him somehow, although he couldn’t quite see how…
“But you have received packages before, which you opened without problems?”
Again a nod. Unwittingly, Atsushi dug his fingernails into the stiff chair arm. It took him a second to realize it and tell himself to stop. Onishi didn’t comment on that-he didn’t even seem to notice, actually. He seemed to be waiting for something…like a hawk would wait to swoop on its prey…
Atsushi realized what the man was going to ask a split second before he actually spoke.
“So why wouldn’t you open this box?” That man’s voice was sharp and accusative, a quick turnaround from the lazy, condescending attitude from before.
Despite having anticipated the question, Atsushi had no idea what to say. It felt as if his mind has been completely erased in that split second. “I…”
“Yes?” the detective asked, leaning forward slightly. “Because I talked to both Hiraki-san and Hasegawa-san about the incident, you understand. They both said you refused to open the box when they gave it to you. Is there any particular reason why?”
Atsushi unintentionally leaned back in his chair as the detective’s eyes met his on that last word; they were very dark and intense…and extremely intimidating.
But…he didn’t need to feel that way-Atsushi wasn’t the one who had done anything wrong…right?
Liar, a little voice whispered. You’re a liar.
Atsushi’s jaw tightened as he mentally told that voice to shut up. The last thing anyone needed was for him to be locked up in some mental ward by telling the truth.
“Sakurai-san.”
Atsushi really hoped the man didn’t notice the way he winced at the sound of his name in that hard voice. “I had a bad feeling about it,” he answered truthfully.
“A bad feeling,” the detective repeated, deadpan. Then his eyebrows rose. “So the box was radiating negative vibes, huh?”
Atsushi knew immediately that he was being made fun of. “No, that’s not it.”
“What, no black, evil aura?” the man asked, eyebrows rising higher.
Atsushi paled. Why did he say aura? That was something he had never thought to hear from a police officer. “What do you mean by an aura?”
The detective titled his head slightly as he regarded Atsushi. “Ah, I figured you’d be one of those who knew about such things. The dark introspective sort who sees auras and spirits all around,” the man said, waggling his fingers at the word ‘aura’ in a jokingly creepy manner. It was obvious then that the man was just taking another shot at Atsushi.
“Well, I’m not,” Atsushi replied shortly.
He was getting really pissed off at that man’s eyebrows as they quirked yet again. “I see,” the detective paused to stare at Atsushi evenly. “That still doesn’t answer my question. Why didn’t you open this box?”
“I just didn’t want to,” Atsushi told him in a terse voice. He was well aware of how childish the statement was.
“Ah…so you were just being ungrateful, hmm?”
Atsushi, starting to become angry, curled his fingers into tight fists in his lap. He just wanted to tell the man to fuck off. He closed his eyes to try to keep his frustration at bay, only to realize to his dismay that his eyes were beginning to tear up. He would not cry like a child in front of this man. He squeezed his eyes tightly closed, hoping that would keep the tears at bay, but all that succeeded in doing was forcing some of them to run out of the corner of his eye and down his cheek.
That was a terrible moment. Atsushi could just feel the man’s scornful eyes on him and he sucked his bottom lip into his mouth, biting down lightly to keep himself from breaking down completely. He was suddenly so very very weary-this night was never going to end, was it?
“Hey, there’s no need to cry about it,” the detective said, but his voice didn’t hold the contempt Atsushi expected. So shocked was he by the man’s quiet, anxious voice that he opened his eyes to stare at him. Everything was beginning to blur around the edges and the light from the dressing table lights nearby sparkling like diamonds in the corner of his vision.
Onishi’s face wasn’t openly distressed, but Atsushi could see the edge of nervousness about him, like most men would be around a crying woman.
That didn’t help any.
“Any more questions?” Atsushi asked stiffly, trying his best to ignore what had just happened and get this over with.
“What?” the detective asked.
“Do you have any more questions?” Atsushi repeated, saying each word distinctly.
The past few moments, followed up by this direct attack at his comprehension, had effectively turned the tables and the detective knew it. He wasn’t the intimidator in charge anymore. Now it was just the two of them sitting and staring at one another.
“Well…n--err….actually, yes, yes I do,” the man caught himself before admitting defeat. “You never answered my previous question-‘why’?” He tried to stare Atsushi in the eye, but, being all teary-eyed, Atsushi must have looked too much like an ex-girlfriend or wife in that moment and the detective just couldn’t do it. Atsushi didn’t know if he should be pleased by that or not. He was flirting with the idea of being annoyed, actually…
This aggravation was the force needed to give him an idea, and to make him use it. It was also one of the only things keeping him actually focused on the conversation and not sinking into a silent state of misery.
“Tell me honestly Detective,” Atsushi started, speaking softly in case his voice wavered, “Would you have opened a mysterious package like that?”
Atsushi could tell by the man’s hesitance before he spoke that the answer was ‘no’. But he didn’t admit it. “What I would do isn’t of importance here-”
“No, but common sense is, isn’t it?”
The man frowned. “Common sense…?”
Atsushi nodded. “Yes, common sense. Think about that.” With that said, he forced himself to stand up and was rather pleased when he didn’t sway. “Anything else?”
The detective stood up as well. The other man was shorter and stockier than Atsushi, and that seemed to bother him more than it made Atsushi feel superior. “I’m not done talking to you yet.”
“All right. What else?” Atsushi asked, staying compliant.
That question and the lack of opposition on Atsushi’s part seemed to throw the detective off balance. “What else…what-Why would this person write “I Love You” on the inside lid of the box?” The detective said the damnable words in some approximation of English, the language they must have been written in.
Atsushi did sway this time as all the blood immediately drained from his face to pool somewhere by his feet. He had to grab the chair back to keep from falling down. “I…I didn’t see that,” he whispered.
Atsushi could have sworn the man was just on this side of smug at seeing Atsushi’s reaction. Payback for passively undermining his authority, perhaps…
“So,” he said, crossing his arms and tapping his notepad against his triceps. “Let’s try another angle, shall we? If not a fan, then perhaps an ex-girlfriend…or wife?”
Atsushi just stared at the little man. Why the fuck was he bringing up Sayuri at a time like this? Sure, they hadn’t parted on the best of terms, but did he really think a slighted ex-wife would cut out someone’s heart and send it to him?
The very thought of it made it so Atsushi had to sit down or he would fall down. As it was he didn’t make it in the actual chair but ended up perched rather clumsily on the arm, legs spread out to keep him braced somewhat upright.
However, instead of his mind focusing on that mental image, he started to wonder about the detective. A little man, acting so hostile towards someone who couldn’t actually be the suspect, making jabs at him left and right… and now mentioning his ex-wife randomly.
It was quite obvious that the detective was either jealous because Atsushi was famous or because he’d managed to get a divorce, or both. Atsushi could just see it now, this little man going home to a miserable marriage but knowing he could never afford to get out of it…that he couldn’t face the stigma attached to it. Only to go to work one day and be faced with a rich little pretty boy (not only pretty but one that actually looked like a fucking woman) who’d done it and was still famous despite it.
And to have that personal drama spill over into his professional work…it was really quite pathetic.
Granted, Atsushi didn’t really have the right to call someone else pathetic, but there it was anyway.
Atsushi looked up at the detective who, now that Atsushi was sitting, was a bit higher up. “No.”
“’No’ what?” the detective asked, that damn eyebrow back again.
Atsushi sat up a little straighter. “It wouldn’t be a girlfriend or my ex-wife,” he said simply. “First of all, my ex-wife wouldn’t have neither the strength nor the stomach nor the desire after all these years to do such a thing, and second of all, I haven’t had a girlfriend since last year, so unless it’s was long repressed rage, I doubt that too.”
If that caught him off guard, the detective hid it much better this time. His eyebrow did notch up a bit higher at the admission of no girlfriend, however. “Could be insanity,” he supplied noncommittally as he scratched that down on his notebook.
If Atsushi wasn’t so damn tired he would have laughed at that. Because that was exactly what it was… “Isn’t that always a possibility?” he muttered under his breath, but loud enough that the detective could hear him.
“So, would you label any of your recent girlfriends-or liaisons, for that matter-as potentially…well, unbalanced?” Onishi asked, getting his pen and paper ready.
Atsushi couldn’t believe it. What was this now, a tabloid? “No, not that I’m aware of,” Atsushi stated tersely. “And, no, I won’t just give you their names. I’m sure you can open the nearest rag and find out anyway.”
Atsushi bitter tone must have immediately brought up the “non-compliant” flag in the detective’s brain. “Sakurai-san, I will need your full cooperation on this matter,” he began.
Atsushi had had enough. He stood up and stared this damnable little man down. “And you have it, as far as I’m concerned. If you want a list, fine, I’ll make you a list. But I’m not going to stand here and rattle off every woman I’ve ever slept with just so you can sneer at me with a false sense of superiority that we all know actually conceals something else.”
After his outburst, Atsushi mentally winced. He was going to regret saying that. Especially if the detective’s quickly reddening face was any indication. He knew what Atsushi was getting at. Apparently he wasn’t blind to his own faults.
To the man’s credit, he did manage to not explode right then and there. “All right, not out loud, but I do need that list,” he instructed Atsushi through clenched teeth. He shoved the pen and paper at Atsushi with a little too much force. “Write.”
Atsushi did as he was told, trying his best to remember all their names. A good portion of them he had both first and last names for, but some only had first names (if they were real or not he didn’t know) while others were tied to a business phone number (he hated writing those ones down). And there was one he only remembered as Legs (not that that would help the police any.) He marked relative dates next to their names. He wasn’t quite sure how far the man wanted him to go, but all he was getting was until December of last year. If he wanted more, he’d have to ask. Atsushi wasn’t about to tell his whole history with women. Besides, he’d be there all night…
“I might have missed one or two,” Atsushi admitted quietly as he handed the notepad back to the still quietly fuming detective. He didn’t miss the way the other man’s eyes widened at the list. It was only fifteen women-not really that long-but for a man trapped in a demanding career and with a cold wife it had to seem like a lot.
“I thought you said you didn’t have a girlfriend?” Onishi insisted, sounding annoyed.
“Those aren’t girlfriends,” Atsushi replied honestly.
The detective sent him an indescribable look over the list on his hand. “It appears so,” he stated neutrally. “Well…it seems I have nothing else to ask you right now, Sakurai-san,” he continued, sounding a tad hesitant as he did so, as if he was afraid this was his last chance to talk to Atsushi. It wasn’t, technically-although Atsushi really wished it to be so. “I’ll just need an address where I can reach you with follow-up questions.”
That had Atsushi at a loss. Where was he going to go tonight? Back home…somewhere else…he didn’t have a clue because he really hadn’t thought that far ahead. His indecision made him hesitate and Onishi was just starting to raise that damnable eyebrow again when a sheet of paper was thrust between them. The suddenly appearance of someone to his right was enough to get Atsushi’s heart racing, but he managed not to jump out of his skin. Mostly because he was frozen in fear for that first split second…
“Here you are officer,” Hide said politely as the startled detective took the slightly crumpled note. “That’s my address and phone number. Atsushi will be spending the night there. After that I’m not sure but I’m sure our management can get in touch with you.”
“Ah…is that so…” the detective trailed off, clearly not remembering or even knowing Hide’s name.
“Hoshino,” Hide supplied briskly. “It’s on the paper.”
“Ah, so it is.” Onishi tucked Hide’s address into his notepad before snapping the whole thing shut. “You had better be there if I call on your tomorrow,” he told Atsushi sternly.
Atsushi just stared back at him. The adrenaline that had spiked at Hide’s sudden appearance was quickly leaving and he felt on the verge of falling over. He didn’t have the concentration to say anything and remain on his feet at the same time, so he decided to retain some dignity instead of replying.
Onishi didn’t remark on that-he was probably pleased that Atsushi had remained silent, thinking he was properly cowed.
The detective had barely turned his back and crossed the room to consult his fellow officers hovering by the doorway when Hide reached around Atsushi and grabbed his left elbow, pulling the other man to lean against him. “C’mon, you look whiter than a sheet. We should get out of here.”
Atsushi nodded meekly, letting Hide steer him wherever he wanted to go. This place ended up being across the room where Imai sat on one of the couches. Imai started to get up as he noticed their approach, an unreadable look on his face, but Hide motioned him to sit again. Before Atsushi knew it he was deposited on the couch next to Imai and he was glad of it; he wasn’t sure how much longer he’d be able to stand.
“What did that bastard ask you?” Imai hissed angrily at the same time he reached over to touch Atsushi’s shoulder gently. Atsushi just looked up at him mutely, entranced by the whirling emotions he could see behind the other man’s eyes…or at least he thought he could… he was actually rather tired…
“Atsushi. Atsushi!”
Atsushi blinked out of the befuddled daze he was falling into at the sound of Imai’s voice. “Hmm?” he asked, making himself focus on Imai’s face again. The other man was clearly anxious now. It took Atsushi a moment to realize Imai was holding him by both shoulders by this point, fingernails digging into the material of his shirt.
“Don’t-don’t do that!” Imai snapped angrily, but he couldn’t disguise the way his voice wavered.
“Do what?” Atsushi asked, frowning in confusion.
“You almost passed out, Acchan,” Hide spoke up quietly behind him.
Atsushi made a half-hearted effort to turn around and face him, but gave up partway. “Did I?” he ended up asking the room at large.
“Yes!” Imai replied emphatically, his fingers tight on Atsushi’s shoulders. “Are you sure you’re okay?” he asked Atsushi seriously, peering at him closely. Atsushi looked straight back at him. Imai didn’t avert his eyes. “I mean, I know you don’t like hospitals but if you’re going to faint-”
“Can we just go home?” Atsushi asked in a small voice that surprised even him, but was very effective at getting Imai to stop talking. “I just want to lay down somewhere…”
“Sure,” Hide spoke up before Imai could. “Ani’s talking to Chiba about the after party, but I’m pretty sure it’s already cancelled seeing all that’s been going on. I’ll have someone get the van and then we can go, okay?”
Atsushi nodded, still feeling somewhat airheaded. “Ah…yes, thank you, Hide. For letting me stay at your place. And everything else.” He tried for a thankful smile but he knew it failed. Hide seemed to get the gist anyway, because he gave his own tight-lipped smile in return.
“No problem. I have a futon in my office, so there’s plenty of space. You won’t have to sleep on the couch,” he added the last with a look towards Imai, who deliberately ignored him.
It was only after Hide had wandered off that Atsushi peered up into Imai’s face. “You told him I spent the night?” he asked, more curious than angry. It didn’t really matter that Hide knew, anyway, but it wasn’t something that really needed to be brought up…
Imai nibbled very lightly on his bottom lip, carefully not looking at Atsushi. His grip on Atsushi lessened quickly and soon his hands were sitting limp in his lap. “We were discussing where you could spend the night, since I was sure you didn’t want to go home and…it came up.”
“Ah…” Atsushi didn’t really know what to say to that. He wasn’t sure if he was supposed to say anything anyway… Although he did vaguely wonder what else they had been talking about while he was stuck with Detective Onishi.
Thankfully U-ta chose that moment to show up, plopping down on the other end of the couch. “They’re finally gone!” he informed them, sighing gustily. “The police I mean,” he added as the other two just stared. “I followed to make sure they left completely.”
“Ah…” It was Imai’s turn to not really say anything. Atsushi just closed his eyes, deciding that he was too exhausted to wait any more. He could vaguely hear the other two still talking-well U-ta was anyway.
He was just beginning to finally drift off into a half-doze-because even if he felt bone-tired his brain just wouldn’t shut up and let him sleep-when he heard Imai’s voice in his ear. “Acchan…Acchan, it’s time to go…”
Atsushi opened his eyes slowly and was so startled to see Imai leaning so very close to him that his heart began a forceful tap dance against his ribcage almost immediately.
Imai really had been whispering in his ear…
The other man seemed to notice how bothered Atsushi was and backed up swiftly. “Ah, I didn’t mean to scare you,” he explained hastily.
Atsushi shook his head; it was a very lazy movement because he just couldn’t gather up the energy for more. “Nah, it’s okay. I don’t want to stay here anymore anyway…” He moved to get up. He felt groggy and lightheaded, but at least he didn’t feel like he was about to collapse any longer.
It wasn’t until he was sitting upright that he realized that Hide was there too, standing just off to the side, and that U-ta had disappeared somewhere. Apparently Atsushi had been dozing longer than he’d thought…
Atsushi waved off Hide’s offer to help him stand and made the attempt on his own. He was proud to say that he succeeded. It was almost as if he had an honor guard of some sort as both Hide and Imai flanked him out into the hallway. A lot of the staff was still milling around out there and they stared at him with huge, curious eyes as he finally made a public appearance after so long.
He had to ignore them. Or he’d never get out of there.
There were a few words with Chiba that Atsushi didn’t really remember and then all five of them-much to Atsushi’s bewilderment-ended up piling into the van and making the ride of Hide’s apartment. No one said much on the way, but despite the quiet Atsushi was beginning to feel too anxious to fall asleep again. Leaning against the window where he said near the rear of the van he wondered where out in the vast sea of lights that… man could be. He tapped his finger against the glass now and then, thinking “there…or there…or maybe there…” Or nowhere.
Imai, who had push his way to sit in the back despite his normal seat being closer to the front, was watching him. Atsushi noticed this but didn’t want to talk to him. In fact he wasn’t quite sure what he wanted to do…except not be trapped in such a small space anymore. He shifted restlessly, suddenly very aware of how close everyone was and he really needed some space…but then he’d be alone and he didn’t want that and…
Atsushi closed his eyes in an effort to calm down. Stop thinking. It was extremely difficult, but he forced himself to do it. He wasn’t sure were this strength of will was coming from though-he was sure that he wouldn’t have any left by now, but apparently there was a latent stock of it somewhere…but he wasn’t sure how long that would last before it ran dry. What would happen then he wasn’t sure…
Hide’s apartment was nowhere near as messy as Imai was (or Atsushi’s own for that matter), but it was inviting and Atsushi was more than pleased to be out of the van anyway. No one was still saying very much at all but Atsushi could just feel the tension under the silence, as if everyone had something they wanted to say but wouldn’t. Or couldn’t.
He didn’t like this undercurrent, and he had the sneaking suspicious that part of it was because he was there. So, not long after everyone had piled into the apartment and were standing looking at each other that Atsushi reached out and tugged on Hide’s sleeve. It was only when Hide frowned in confusion that Atsushi realized how childlike the gesture was, but there wasn’t anything he could do about it now.
“You said something about a futon in your office…”
Hide jumped to life then. “Ah, yeah. That’s right.” He motioned for Atsushi to follow him. “C’mon, I’ll find you something to sleep in first.”
Atsushi nodded as he trailed after him, not paying the other three silent figures any attention. Hide dug out some pajamas from his closet and, although he normally didn’t wear anything like that, Atsushi accepted them. He changed into them in the bathroom-after taking a quick shower to get rid of any last trace of blood- as Hide apparently got the futon out, because when by the time Atsushi padded barefoot down the hall to Hide’s office it was ready.
Hide’s office was much more cluttered than the main portion of the apartment, but there was space under the window and an open path from there to door, so it was good enough. Hide was just pulling the curtains shut over the window when Atsushi came in.
“Sorry, these aren’t light cancelling.”
“That’s fine.” Atsushi watched as Hide puttered around for a moment, pushing aside anything that someone could possibly trip over. “I’m going to be sleeping, Hide,” Atsushi remarked dryly.
“You never know when you’ll need to get up in the dark,” Hide replied practically, but soon gave up on his task. “Maybe I should get a flashlight…”
“It’s fine, Hide.”
Hide peered at Atsushi closely before a small attempt at a smile crooked his lips. “Sure. Well, let me know if you need anything. We’ll try to keep it down, okay?”
Atsushi nodded. “Thank you again.”
This time Hide smiled a little more. “It’s absolutely no problem-you know that.”
Atsushi nodded again, bowing his head so that his hair fell around his face. “I guess I do, yeah…”
It took some prodding from Hide for Atsushi to crawl into the futon before the other man turned the light off. Suddenly, faced with the prospect of being in the room by himself didn’t seem too grand…but Atsushi didn’t say anything about it. Besides…they were just in the other room…
“Good night,” Hide said quietly as he flicked the light off.
“Hmm...” Atsushi mumbled as he pulled the coverlet over his head. The door clicked shut gently, but it sounded very loud to Atsushi, who, now that he was alone, uncovered his head and prepared himself for a long time of staring out into the unfamiliar darkness.
Scene III
Atsushi was tired all the way down to his bones. Sitting across from the stern-looking head detective, all he really wanted to do was go hide in a dark corner somewhere instead of facing these questions again.
The biggest difference he supposed was that he couldn’t tell the truth this time. He had to work his way around the words, making sure not to talk himself into a trap, and he just wasn’t feeling up to it.
Some part of him wished that Imai had been able to remain perched on the chair at his side. But that was the first thing the detective had insisted upon-they were all to be questioned separately. As if they were the criminals. They were all in the same room still, but apparently they were far enough apart for the detective’s peace of mind.
There had been a moment when Atsushi had feared the Imai might get himself arrested when he refused to move at first, but he’d relented eventually with such a sullen look on his face that Atsushi might have laughed if he’d had the energy.
As it was he could see Imai occasionally glancing in his direction from where he’d been sequestered in a chair by the door. The police might derive another reason for his apparent worry, but Atsushi didn’t care. All he could focus on, and barely at that, was the man in front of him.
“So you don’t know who sent this to you, Sakurai-san?” Detective Onishi asked him. He was a thin, seemingly high-strung man who appeared to take his job very seriously. For Atsushi, in that moment, it was too seriously.
“There wasn’t a name on the package,” Atsushi answered plainly.
“Yes, I saw that…but I was also wondering if maybe you might know despite the lack of a return address?” He was probing for answers but he wasn’t going to get a thing from Atsushi.
“I’ve never met anyone who would want to send me…that,” Atsushi replied, not having to fake his hesitation at the end.
“Hmm…” The detective titled his head to the side as he studied Atsushi. “You get a lot of fan mail and such, right?”
Atsushi’s brow furrowed lightly in confusion. What has he getting at? “Yes…I do.”
“And how much of that arrives at concerts?”
“Nothing really besides the flowers…”
“I see… But you’ve gotten packages before?”
“Not at the concert hall.” That wasn’t exactly true…he had received the book that Tsukino had sent him at a concert venue, but that was different. He had been expecting it… “At venues the most I’ve gotten are a few notes that were passed on through staff and such, but that’s very rare.”
“But you’ve gotten packages through your management outside the concert hall?”
“Yes, with the rest of my fan mail. I get a lot of gifts…” Atsushi was starting to feel extremely on edge now. He was not ready for this, he realized with a sinking feeling. He could barely think straight; this man was not what he needed right now.
“And…no one had every hinted at such a…morbid personality?”
Atsushi bit his bottom lip. Actually, he’d encountered many fans that were rather morbid. Those letters were often very distressing and hard for him to read. In fact he often received letters that weren’t what he’d call ‘light reading’ material. Apparently a famous person was also an outlet for bottled up feelings? Or did they simply want him to realize they were human too? He knew they were, he wasn’t blind-apparently they thought so low of him not to realize that themselves?
“Sakurai-san?”
Atsushi swallowed. “I…yes, I suppose some have. I don’t really remember who they were though… They usually write with pen names or some such… Once and a while I get a name and address scrawled at the bottom but…I never remember them.”
“I see.” The detective scratched something on the pad in his hand. “So if I were to ask you if anyone said something that could relate to this incident you wouldn’t know?”
The man’s laidback yet accusing tone annoyed Atsushi, and he was rather surprised that it did so. Perhaps he had some fight in him yet. “Yes, that’s right.”
“I see…”
Atsushi’s jaw tightened in irritation. How many times would that man say that stupid phrase?
“Now, you said you don’t get that many packages at concert venues.”
“I actually said none,” Atsushi answered levelly.
The detective’s eyebrow quirked a fraction. “Ah. Yes, none. Besides today.”
Atsushi didn’t reply; he simply regarded the man in front of him warily, trying to figure him out.
“So you say that you don’t usually-you never, I’m sorry-get packages from fans at venues,” Detective Onishi repeated blithely.
Atsushi stayed silent again, but he did nod. The detective seemed so relaxed, but something about him was setting Atsushi on edge. He felt trapped by him somehow, although he couldn’t quite see how…
“But you have received packages before, which you opened without problems?”
Again a nod. Unwittingly, Atsushi dug his fingernails into the stiff chair arm. It took him a second to realize it and tell himself to stop. Onishi didn’t comment on that-he didn’t even seem to notice, actually. He seemed to be waiting for something…like a hawk would wait to swoop on its prey…
Atsushi realized what the man was going to ask a split second before he actually spoke.
“So why wouldn’t you open this box?” That man’s voice was sharp and accusative, a quick turnaround from the lazy, condescending attitude from before.
Despite having anticipated the question, Atsushi had no idea what to say. It felt as if his mind has been completely erased in that split second. “I…”
“Yes?” the detective asked, leaning forward slightly. “Because I talked to both Hiraki-san and Hasegawa-san about the incident, you understand. They both said you refused to open the box when they gave it to you. Is there any particular reason why?”
Atsushi unintentionally leaned back in his chair as the detective’s eyes met his on that last word; they were very dark and intense…and extremely intimidating.
But…he didn’t need to feel that way-Atsushi wasn’t the one who had done anything wrong…right?
Liar, a little voice whispered. You’re a liar.
Atsushi’s jaw tightened as he mentally told that voice to shut up. The last thing anyone needed was for him to be locked up in some mental ward by telling the truth.
“Sakurai-san.”
Atsushi really hoped the man didn’t notice the way he winced at the sound of his name in that hard voice. “I had a bad feeling about it,” he answered truthfully.
“A bad feeling,” the detective repeated, deadpan. Then his eyebrows rose. “So the box was radiating negative vibes, huh?”
Atsushi knew immediately that he was being made fun of. “No, that’s not it.”
“What, no black, evil aura?” the man asked, eyebrows rising higher.
Atsushi paled. Why did he say aura? That was something he had never thought to hear from a police officer. “What do you mean by an aura?”
The detective titled his head slightly as he regarded Atsushi. “Ah, I figured you’d be one of those who knew about such things. The dark introspective sort who sees auras and spirits all around,” the man said, waggling his fingers at the word ‘aura’ in a jokingly creepy manner. It was obvious then that the man was just taking another shot at Atsushi.
“Well, I’m not,” Atsushi replied shortly.
He was getting really pissed off at that man’s eyebrows as they quirked yet again. “I see,” the detective paused to stare at Atsushi evenly. “That still doesn’t answer my question. Why didn’t you open this box?”
“I just didn’t want to,” Atsushi told him in a terse voice. He was well aware of how childish the statement was.
“Ah…so you were just being ungrateful, hmm?”
Atsushi, starting to become angry, curled his fingers into tight fists in his lap. He just wanted to tell the man to fuck off. He closed his eyes to try to keep his frustration at bay, only to realize to his dismay that his eyes were beginning to tear up. He would not cry like a child in front of this man. He squeezed his eyes tightly closed, hoping that would keep the tears at bay, but all that succeeded in doing was forcing some of them to run out of the corner of his eye and down his cheek.
That was a terrible moment. Atsushi could just feel the man’s scornful eyes on him and he sucked his bottom lip into his mouth, biting down lightly to keep himself from breaking down completely. He was suddenly so very very weary-this night was never going to end, was it?
“Hey, there’s no need to cry about it,” the detective said, but his voice didn’t hold the contempt Atsushi expected. So shocked was he by the man’s quiet, anxious voice that he opened his eyes to stare at him. Everything was beginning to blur around the edges and the light from the dressing table lights nearby sparkling like diamonds in the corner of his vision.
Onishi’s face wasn’t openly distressed, but Atsushi could see the edge of nervousness about him, like most men would be around a crying woman.
That didn’t help any.
“Any more questions?” Atsushi asked stiffly, trying his best to ignore what had just happened and get this over with.
“What?” the detective asked.
“Do you have any more questions?” Atsushi repeated, saying each word distinctly.
The past few moments, followed up by this direct attack at his comprehension, had effectively turned the tables and the detective knew it. He wasn’t the intimidator in charge anymore. Now it was just the two of them sitting and staring at one another.
“Well…n--err….actually, yes, yes I do,” the man caught himself before admitting defeat. “You never answered my previous question-‘why’?” He tried to stare Atsushi in the eye, but, being all teary-eyed, Atsushi must have looked too much like an ex-girlfriend or wife in that moment and the detective just couldn’t do it. Atsushi didn’t know if he should be pleased by that or not. He was flirting with the idea of being annoyed, actually…
This aggravation was the force needed to give him an idea, and to make him use it. It was also one of the only things keeping him actually focused on the conversation and not sinking into a silent state of misery.
“Tell me honestly Detective,” Atsushi started, speaking softly in case his voice wavered, “Would you have opened a mysterious package like that?”
Atsushi could tell by the man’s hesitance before he spoke that the answer was ‘no’. But he didn’t admit it. “What I would do isn’t of importance here-”
“No, but common sense is, isn’t it?”
The man frowned. “Common sense…?”
Atsushi nodded. “Yes, common sense. Think about that.” With that said, he forced himself to stand up and was rather pleased when he didn’t sway. “Anything else?”
The detective stood up as well. The other man was shorter and stockier than Atsushi, and that seemed to bother him more than it made Atsushi feel superior. “I’m not done talking to you yet.”
“All right. What else?” Atsushi asked, staying compliant.
That question and the lack of opposition on Atsushi’s part seemed to throw the detective off balance. “What else…what-Why would this person write “I Love You” on the inside lid of the box?” The detective said the damnable words in some approximation of English, the language they must have been written in.
Atsushi did sway this time as all the blood immediately drained from his face to pool somewhere by his feet. He had to grab the chair back to keep from falling down. “I…I didn’t see that,” he whispered.
Atsushi could have sworn the man was just on this side of smug at seeing Atsushi’s reaction. Payback for passively undermining his authority, perhaps…
“So,” he said, crossing his arms and tapping his notepad against his triceps. “Let’s try another angle, shall we? If not a fan, then perhaps an ex-girlfriend…or wife?”
Atsushi just stared at the little man. Why the fuck was he bringing up Sayuri at a time like this? Sure, they hadn’t parted on the best of terms, but did he really think a slighted ex-wife would cut out someone’s heart and send it to him?
The very thought of it made it so Atsushi had to sit down or he would fall down. As it was he didn’t make it in the actual chair but ended up perched rather clumsily on the arm, legs spread out to keep him braced somewhat upright.
However, instead of his mind focusing on that mental image, he started to wonder about the detective. A little man, acting so hostile towards someone who couldn’t actually be the suspect, making jabs at him left and right… and now mentioning his ex-wife randomly.
It was quite obvious that the detective was either jealous because Atsushi was famous or because he’d managed to get a divorce, or both. Atsushi could just see it now, this little man going home to a miserable marriage but knowing he could never afford to get out of it…that he couldn’t face the stigma attached to it. Only to go to work one day and be faced with a rich little pretty boy (not only pretty but one that actually looked like a fucking woman) who’d done it and was still famous despite it.
And to have that personal drama spill over into his professional work…it was really quite pathetic.
Granted, Atsushi didn’t really have the right to call someone else pathetic, but there it was anyway.
Atsushi looked up at the detective who, now that Atsushi was sitting, was a bit higher up. “No.”
“’No’ what?” the detective asked, that damn eyebrow back again.
Atsushi sat up a little straighter. “It wouldn’t be a girlfriend or my ex-wife,” he said simply. “First of all, my ex-wife wouldn’t have neither the strength nor the stomach nor the desire after all these years to do such a thing, and second of all, I haven’t had a girlfriend since last year, so unless it’s was long repressed rage, I doubt that too.”
If that caught him off guard, the detective hid it much better this time. His eyebrow did notch up a bit higher at the admission of no girlfriend, however. “Could be insanity,” he supplied noncommittally as he scratched that down on his notebook.
If Atsushi wasn’t so damn tired he would have laughed at that. Because that was exactly what it was… “Isn’t that always a possibility?” he muttered under his breath, but loud enough that the detective could hear him.
“So, would you label any of your recent girlfriends-or liaisons, for that matter-as potentially…well, unbalanced?” Onishi asked, getting his pen and paper ready.
Atsushi couldn’t believe it. What was this now, a tabloid? “No, not that I’m aware of,” Atsushi stated tersely. “And, no, I won’t just give you their names. I’m sure you can open the nearest rag and find out anyway.”
Atsushi bitter tone must have immediately brought up the “non-compliant” flag in the detective’s brain. “Sakurai-san, I will need your full cooperation on this matter,” he began.
Atsushi had had enough. He stood up and stared this damnable little man down. “And you have it, as far as I’m concerned. If you want a list, fine, I’ll make you a list. But I’m not going to stand here and rattle off every woman I’ve ever slept with just so you can sneer at me with a false sense of superiority that we all know actually conceals something else.”
After his outburst, Atsushi mentally winced. He was going to regret saying that. Especially if the detective’s quickly reddening face was any indication. He knew what Atsushi was getting at. Apparently he wasn’t blind to his own faults.
To the man’s credit, he did manage to not explode right then and there. “All right, not out loud, but I do need that list,” he instructed Atsushi through clenched teeth. He shoved the pen and paper at Atsushi with a little too much force. “Write.”
Atsushi did as he was told, trying his best to remember all their names. A good portion of them he had both first and last names for, but some only had first names (if they were real or not he didn’t know) while others were tied to a business phone number (he hated writing those ones down). And there was one he only remembered as Legs (not that that would help the police any.) He marked relative dates next to their names. He wasn’t quite sure how far the man wanted him to go, but all he was getting was until December of last year. If he wanted more, he’d have to ask. Atsushi wasn’t about to tell his whole history with women. Besides, he’d be there all night…
“I might have missed one or two,” Atsushi admitted quietly as he handed the notepad back to the still quietly fuming detective. He didn’t miss the way the other man’s eyes widened at the list. It was only fifteen women-not really that long-but for a man trapped in a demanding career and with a cold wife it had to seem like a lot.
“I thought you said you didn’t have a girlfriend?” Onishi insisted, sounding annoyed.
“Those aren’t girlfriends,” Atsushi replied honestly.
The detective sent him an indescribable look over the list on his hand. “It appears so,” he stated neutrally. “Well…it seems I have nothing else to ask you right now, Sakurai-san,” he continued, sounding a tad hesitant as he did so, as if he was afraid this was his last chance to talk to Atsushi. It wasn’t, technically-although Atsushi really wished it to be so. “I’ll just need an address where I can reach you with follow-up questions.”
That had Atsushi at a loss. Where was he going to go tonight? Back home…somewhere else…he didn’t have a clue because he really hadn’t thought that far ahead. His indecision made him hesitate and Onishi was just starting to raise that damnable eyebrow again when a sheet of paper was thrust between them. The suddenly appearance of someone to his right was enough to get Atsushi’s heart racing, but he managed not to jump out of his skin. Mostly because he was frozen in fear for that first split second…
“Here you are officer,” Hide said politely as the startled detective took the slightly crumpled note. “That’s my address and phone number. Atsushi will be spending the night there. After that I’m not sure but I’m sure our management can get in touch with you.”
“Ah…is that so…” the detective trailed off, clearly not remembering or even knowing Hide’s name.
“Hoshino,” Hide supplied briskly. “It’s on the paper.”
“Ah, so it is.” Onishi tucked Hide’s address into his notepad before snapping the whole thing shut. “You had better be there if I call on your tomorrow,” he told Atsushi sternly.
Atsushi just stared back at him. The adrenaline that had spiked at Hide’s sudden appearance was quickly leaving and he felt on the verge of falling over. He didn’t have the concentration to say anything and remain on his feet at the same time, so he decided to retain some dignity instead of replying.
Onishi didn’t remark on that-he was probably pleased that Atsushi had remained silent, thinking he was properly cowed.
The detective had barely turned his back and crossed the room to consult his fellow officers hovering by the doorway when Hide reached around Atsushi and grabbed his left elbow, pulling the other man to lean against him. “C’mon, you look whiter than a sheet. We should get out of here.”
Atsushi nodded meekly, letting Hide steer him wherever he wanted to go. This place ended up being across the room where Imai sat on one of the couches. Imai started to get up as he noticed their approach, an unreadable look on his face, but Hide motioned him to sit again. Before Atsushi knew it he was deposited on the couch next to Imai and he was glad of it; he wasn’t sure how much longer he’d be able to stand.
“What did that bastard ask you?” Imai hissed angrily at the same time he reached over to touch Atsushi’s shoulder gently. Atsushi just looked up at him mutely, entranced by the whirling emotions he could see behind the other man’s eyes…or at least he thought he could… he was actually rather tired…
“Atsushi. Atsushi!”
Atsushi blinked out of the befuddled daze he was falling into at the sound of Imai’s voice. “Hmm?” he asked, making himself focus on Imai’s face again. The other man was clearly anxious now. It took Atsushi a moment to realize Imai was holding him by both shoulders by this point, fingernails digging into the material of his shirt.
“Don’t-don’t do that!” Imai snapped angrily, but he couldn’t disguise the way his voice wavered.
“Do what?” Atsushi asked, frowning in confusion.
“You almost passed out, Acchan,” Hide spoke up quietly behind him.
Atsushi made a half-hearted effort to turn around and face him, but gave up partway. “Did I?” he ended up asking the room at large.
“Yes!” Imai replied emphatically, his fingers tight on Atsushi’s shoulders. “Are you sure you’re okay?” he asked Atsushi seriously, peering at him closely. Atsushi looked straight back at him. Imai didn’t avert his eyes. “I mean, I know you don’t like hospitals but if you’re going to faint-”
“Can we just go home?” Atsushi asked in a small voice that surprised even him, but was very effective at getting Imai to stop talking. “I just want to lay down somewhere…”
“Sure,” Hide spoke up before Imai could. “Ani’s talking to Chiba about the after party, but I’m pretty sure it’s already cancelled seeing all that’s been going on. I’ll have someone get the van and then we can go, okay?”
Atsushi nodded, still feeling somewhat airheaded. “Ah…yes, thank you, Hide. For letting me stay at your place. And everything else.” He tried for a thankful smile but he knew it failed. Hide seemed to get the gist anyway, because he gave his own tight-lipped smile in return.
“No problem. I have a futon in my office, so there’s plenty of space. You won’t have to sleep on the couch,” he added the last with a look towards Imai, who deliberately ignored him.
It was only after Hide had wandered off that Atsushi peered up into Imai’s face. “You told him I spent the night?” he asked, more curious than angry. It didn’t really matter that Hide knew, anyway, but it wasn’t something that really needed to be brought up…
Imai nibbled very lightly on his bottom lip, carefully not looking at Atsushi. His grip on Atsushi lessened quickly and soon his hands were sitting limp in his lap. “We were discussing where you could spend the night, since I was sure you didn’t want to go home and…it came up.”
“Ah…” Atsushi didn’t really know what to say to that. He wasn’t sure if he was supposed to say anything anyway… Although he did vaguely wonder what else they had been talking about while he was stuck with Detective Onishi.
Thankfully U-ta chose that moment to show up, plopping down on the other end of the couch. “They’re finally gone!” he informed them, sighing gustily. “The police I mean,” he added as the other two just stared. “I followed to make sure they left completely.”
“Ah…” It was Imai’s turn to not really say anything. Atsushi just closed his eyes, deciding that he was too exhausted to wait any more. He could vaguely hear the other two still talking-well U-ta was anyway.
He was just beginning to finally drift off into a half-doze-because even if he felt bone-tired his brain just wouldn’t shut up and let him sleep-when he heard Imai’s voice in his ear. “Acchan…Acchan, it’s time to go…”
Atsushi opened his eyes slowly and was so startled to see Imai leaning so very close to him that his heart began a forceful tap dance against his ribcage almost immediately.
Imai really had been whispering in his ear…
The other man seemed to notice how bothered Atsushi was and backed up swiftly. “Ah, I didn’t mean to scare you,” he explained hastily.
Atsushi shook his head; it was a very lazy movement because he just couldn’t gather up the energy for more. “Nah, it’s okay. I don’t want to stay here anymore anyway…” He moved to get up. He felt groggy and lightheaded, but at least he didn’t feel like he was about to collapse any longer.
It wasn’t until he was sitting upright that he realized that Hide was there too, standing just off to the side, and that U-ta had disappeared somewhere. Apparently Atsushi had been dozing longer than he’d thought…
Atsushi waved off Hide’s offer to help him stand and made the attempt on his own. He was proud to say that he succeeded. It was almost as if he had an honor guard of some sort as both Hide and Imai flanked him out into the hallway. A lot of the staff was still milling around out there and they stared at him with huge, curious eyes as he finally made a public appearance after so long.
He had to ignore them. Or he’d never get out of there.
There were a few words with Chiba that Atsushi didn’t really remember and then all five of them-much to Atsushi’s bewilderment-ended up piling into the van and making the ride of Hide’s apartment. No one said much on the way, but despite the quiet Atsushi was beginning to feel too anxious to fall asleep again. Leaning against the window where he said near the rear of the van he wondered where out in the vast sea of lights that… man could be. He tapped his finger against the glass now and then, thinking “there…or there…or maybe there…” Or nowhere.
Imai, who had push his way to sit in the back despite his normal seat being closer to the front, was watching him. Atsushi noticed this but didn’t want to talk to him. In fact he wasn’t quite sure what he wanted to do…except not be trapped in such a small space anymore. He shifted restlessly, suddenly very aware of how close everyone was and he really needed some space…but then he’d be alone and he didn’t want that and…
Atsushi closed his eyes in an effort to calm down. Stop thinking. It was extremely difficult, but he forced himself to do it. He wasn’t sure were this strength of will was coming from though-he was sure that he wouldn’t have any left by now, but apparently there was a latent stock of it somewhere…but he wasn’t sure how long that would last before it ran dry. What would happen then he wasn’t sure…
Hide’s apartment was nowhere near as messy as Imai was (or Atsushi’s own for that matter), but it was inviting and Atsushi was more than pleased to be out of the van anyway. No one was still saying very much at all but Atsushi could just feel the tension under the silence, as if everyone had something they wanted to say but wouldn’t. Or couldn’t.
He didn’t like this undercurrent, and he had the sneaking suspicious that part of it was because he was there. So, not long after everyone had piled into the apartment and were standing looking at each other that Atsushi reached out and tugged on Hide’s sleeve. It was only when Hide frowned in confusion that Atsushi realized how childlike the gesture was, but there wasn’t anything he could do about it now.
“You said something about a futon in your office…”
Hide jumped to life then. “Ah, yeah. That’s right.” He motioned for Atsushi to follow him. “C’mon, I’ll find you something to sleep in first.”
Atsushi nodded as he trailed after him, not paying the other three silent figures any attention. Hide dug out some pajamas from his closet and, although he normally didn’t wear anything like that, Atsushi accepted them. He changed into them in the bathroom-after taking a quick shower to get rid of any last trace of blood- as Hide apparently got the futon out, because when by the time Atsushi padded barefoot down the hall to Hide’s office it was ready.
Hide’s office was much more cluttered than the main portion of the apartment, but there was space under the window and an open path from there to door, so it was good enough. Hide was just pulling the curtains shut over the window when Atsushi came in.
“Sorry, these aren’t light cancelling.”
“That’s fine.” Atsushi watched as Hide puttered around for a moment, pushing aside anything that someone could possibly trip over. “I’m going to be sleeping, Hide,” Atsushi remarked dryly.
“You never know when you’ll need to get up in the dark,” Hide replied practically, but soon gave up on his task. “Maybe I should get a flashlight…”
“It’s fine, Hide.”
Hide peered at Atsushi closely before a small attempt at a smile crooked his lips. “Sure. Well, let me know if you need anything. We’ll try to keep it down, okay?”
Atsushi nodded. “Thank you again.”
This time Hide smiled a little more. “It’s absolutely no problem-you know that.”
Atsushi nodded again, bowing his head so that his hair fell around his face. “I guess I do, yeah…”
It took some prodding from Hide for Atsushi to crawl into the futon before the other man turned the light off. Suddenly, faced with the prospect of being in the room by himself didn’t seem too grand…but Atsushi didn’t say anything about it. Besides…they were just in the other room…
“Good night,” Hide said quietly as he flicked the light off.
“Hmm...” Atsushi mumbled as he pulled the coverlet over his head. The door clicked shut gently, but it sounded very loud to Atsushi, who, now that he was alone, uncovered his head and prepared himself for a long time of staring out into the unfamiliar darkness.
Scene III