Chapter Fifteen-- Scene III
GOOP!
*
By the time Hide made it back to the living room Imai was pacing. He’d struggled for very long not to do so, but the longer they were gone the more jittery he’d become and either he paced or he exploded.
Toll had already taken over one of Hide’s chairs and taken out a cigarette. He seemed extremely relaxed, feet up on the table nearby. U-ta had sat down as well, on the couch, but he was sitting on the edge of it, hands knotted together and dangling between his knees.
“We’ll have to keep our voices down,” Hide said before anyone else could speak up. “So that means no yelling, Imai.”
Imai folded his arms petulantly. “Why the hell do you think I’d do that?”
“Well, you do look ready to start shooting someone…” U-ta offered.
Imai turned his glare on him. “I do not.”
“Yes you do,” Toll said. “And you have for a while. I’m actually rather surprised that poor officer who took you aside wasn’t left beaten into the ground.”
“Well, he was a wimpy little bastard who was wasting my time!”
Hide sighed, breaking into the conversation before it could go farther. “Take a seat Imai.”
“I don’t want to,” Imai insisted. He wasn’t aware that he was gazing at the hallway Hide had just come from until Hide spoke up.
“He’s sleeping, Imai.”
“I know that,” Imai replied, immediately on the defensive.
Hide, who took a seat in another chair, just sent him a very doubtful look. “Just sit down.”
With all three of them staring him down, Imai had no other option than to sit. But he didn’t do it gracefully, nor did he sit still. Shifting anxiously next to U-ta, he made it perfectly clear that he’d rather be somewhere else… and he tried to ignore the fact that all three probably knew where that was…
“So, it looks like the police believe the whole ‘We have no clue’ story,” Toll said as he stubbed out his cigarette and then lit another.
“Well, what else are they going to believe?” U-ta asked.
“Well, that detective did talk to Atsushi for a long time,” Imai reminded them. In fact, they had all been done being questioned long before Atsushi had been. But the police officers had herded them together on a couch and decided to group question them… most likely to keep them from interrupting the other detective.
Imai had almost been ready to go berserk by then. Especially since they’d been put in a position where he couldn’t see Atsushi clearly anymore... Hide had been forced to practically sit on Imai to keep him from making a scene.
The police hadn’t been able to justify holding them like that for very long, but after those men had left them in peace Hide had forced them all to discuss what was going to happen that night. Then, when it was decided and Hide had gone up to interrupt the still ongoing questioning, he had all but threatened Imai with bodily harm if he didn’t sit still.
Imai’s feathers were still a bit ruffled from Hide’s commanding attitude, but since it had ended up in them all here-safe and sound and not arrested-he wasn’t going to bring it up.
“I’m not surprised that he did that,” Hide spoke up. He sat in the chair, his hands resting flat on the arms. “Atsushi is the reason this happened, after all.”
Imai almost leapt off his cushion, but U-ta grabbed his sleeve and that reminded him to be calm down. “It’s not his fault!” he insisted in a furious whisper.
Hide’s brow furrowed. “I didn’t say it was his fault, Imai. I said he was the reason. There’s a difference. ”
Imai sat back down at that, feeling a bit foolish at getting all excited because…well, Hide was right. “Yeah…yeah, you’re right. I’m sorry. I just…”
“Feel on edge?” U-ta supplied, his face full of sympathy. “I do too.”
“We all do,” Toll stated firmly. He met each of their eyes in turn. Imai fought down the urge to fidget. “We have to do something about this.”
“What can we do?” Hide asked. He leaned back in his chair and folded his arms. “If this weirdo is really out there-” he put up a hand when Imai went to protest. “I mean out in Tokyo at this very minute, Imai. If that weirdo is really out there, then what exactly can the four of us do against him? I’m not exactly up on my vampire lore…nor do I have much experience with fighting supernatural creatures. ”
“Yeah, that’s not really in the job description, is it?” Toll mused with a bitter smile.
“And unless one of you two have a secret life of vampire hunting I don’t know about, I don’t think any of us do,” Hide finished as if Toll hadn’t spoken.
Imai heard them, but he really didn’t want to. He folded his arms, tucking his hands under his armpits as if they were cold-and they were. He was cold.
“Don’t you know that I have a silver cross in my bedroom?” U-ta remarked dryly, tapping out his cigarette in the same ash tray Toll was using.
“That’s not funny, U-ta!” Imai hissed.
“No, it’s true, he really does,” Toll spoke up on his brother’s defense. “But it’s only a necklace someone sent you, right?”
U-ta nodded. “Yeah, but I was thinking…maybe Acchan should have it instead?”
Hide frowned. “What’s the big deal with a silver cross?”
U-ta shrugged. “I dunno, but I remember hearing somewhere that vampires don’t like crosses? Or something? I don’t really know that much…”
Imai frowned, staring hard at Hide’s cream-colored carpet. That was their problem wasn’t it? They didn’t know anything about what was going on. That put them at a severe disadvantage while the Shinigami…
“Why haven’t they showed up yet?” Imai asked the room at large, lifting his head to look at the other three. They all stared back at him. “The Shinigami,” he clarified.
“Imai, I’m not quite sure…” Hide started, most likely about to reiterate his concerns from before.
“It doesn’t matter what you think, Hide. They should still have shown up by now…” Imai trailed off. He couldn’t help taking a quick glance around the room as if they would appear out of thin air-which wasn’t too far from possible. “Trust them or not, they did say there were looking out for him and…they aren’t here.”
“Do they actually need to be here to ‘look out’ for him?” Toll asked sensibly. He gestured towards the nearest window with the hand the held his cigarette. “I mean, this guy’s out there, not here. Maybe they’re looking for him?”
Imai bit his bottom lip. “Maybe.”
“That would make the most sense,” U-ta supplied. “Maybe they got some supernatural way to track him or something and they’re on the case right now?”
“Maybe.” Imai still didn’t feel placated. Maybe it was because he really didn’t want to deal with the Shinigami, but knew they had to…and this waiting for the uncomfortable inevitable wasn’t what he wanted right now…
“Well, I for one have had enough to people asking me questions tonight,” Toll remarked right before he yawned mightily, stretching his arms up over his head. “If I’d have known we’d have a crisis tonight I wouldn’t have played so hard.”
“Crises are exactly planned, Aniki,” U-ta reminded him.
Toll threw his half-empty cigarette pack at U-ta, who ducked just in time. “Obviously.”
All four of them stared at one another after that in silence, not knowing what to do.
“Should we…stick around?” U-ta asked Hide, his voice unsure.
Hide shrugged a little. “How should I know? So far the biggest thing to happen here is putting Atsushi to bed.”
Again the confused staring. This wouldn’t be the first time they stayed up late into the night, but Imai doubted they’d do the normal routine of partying during that time. He could tell by the looks on everyone else’s face that they thought that would be as irresponsible as he did.
“I…err…only have the one futon,” Hide said after a time.
Imai couldn’t take this anymore. He stood up and that caught everyone’s attention. “I don’t care what you do. I’m going to go check on Atsushi.”
He left them all staring after him as he marched towards the hallway. He was really glad his back was to them, because he felt his cheeks start to warm. He really shouldn’t be embarrassed-there was nothing wrong with being protective…
Hide caught up with him in the hall. He grabbed a hold of Imai’s sleeve, making him stop. Imai whirled around to glare at him, hoping that would make him go away. It didn’t.
“The futon’s under the window to the right. It’s a bit cluttered in there, so step lightly,” he told Imai, who stared at him dumbly. That was it?
“Err…thanks.”
“There’s a lamp on the desk in the middle of the room if you want some light without turning on the overhead ones.”
“Okay…” Imai was definitely confused. “Why are you telling me this?”
Hide shrugged. “The last thing we need is you giving Atsushi a heart attack by falling over something in the dark.”
Imai bit his lip. “What made you think I’d actually go in the room?”
“Why wouldn’t you? It’s only natural, isn’t it?”
Imai gave Hide a strange look. “What?”
Hide shrugged again. “I’m just saying that it’s no big surprise that you’d want to check on Atsushi, that’s all.”
Imai’s heart decided to turn over in his chest then. “What are you implying?” he asked Hide coldly, trying to ignore the way his neck flushed.
“Implying? What is there to imply?” Hide questioned, although is confusion was far from genuine.
“Never mind,” Imai mumbled as he turned away from Hide. Fine, be that way. Imai did not want to have this conversation now anyway. Well, at least not the conversation he thought Hide was implying they should have and…what the fuck was this, anyway?
He was purposely too confused right now to be properly mortified. Because if… no. No. Stay confused, play dumb…
“Just a word of advice though,” Hide spoke up after Imai had started down the hall again. “I wouldn’t recommending rocking the boat too much right now…or it might be man overboard.”
“What kind of shit it that?” Imai growled. He’d heard Hide…but he didn’t really want to understand what he’d said. “It’s a good thing you’re not a poet, Hide. You’d suck.”
Hide’s eyebrows shot up to his hairline. “Why thanks a lot, Imai.”
Imai mumbled a half-intelligible response to that.
“Well…” Hide said, apparently about to say something else, but he seemed to think better of it and left Imai alone after that.
Now, standing in the middle of hallway, Imai was having second thoughts. Maybe he should just go home or something…leave Atsushi alone…
No…no, that wasn’t going to work. Imai was certain that as soon as he went home...he’d be coming right back over here when he discovered he couldn’t sleep.
Just a little peek wouldn’t hurt, anyway…
The only light in the hall was coming from the main room, where Imai could hear the faintest murmur of voices. The end of the hall, where Hide’s office was, was dark and murky. As it was thought, Imai only cracked the door opened the slightest bit, hoping it wouldn’t squeak. Hide was right about not wanting to scare Atsushi too badly…
He couldn’t see anything in the room outside of the dusky haze of light that trickled in around the door. Besides, hadn’t Hide said Atsushi would be on the right? The door opened so that Imai could see the left part of the room.
There was no helping it. Imai would have to go into the room. He really hoped he could be quiet enough…
Pushing the door opened gentle, Imai held his breath, just waiting for it to creak. It didn’t. Once it was opened far enough for Imai to slip through he did so.
Since his eyes were starting to become adjusted to the dim light it wasn’t as pitch black in the room as it could have been, but it was still hard to see. Imai did see the shape of the window though, pale moonlight leaking around the edges of the curtains. It was just enough to highlight the white fabric around the edge of the futon coverlet.
Squinting, Imai could just make out the shape of Atsushi’s body under that bulky thing, and he released a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. So he was here, and appeared to be sleeping peacefully-Imai could see the blankets moving as he breathed, so it was more than obvious he was…well, just sleeping.
Imai’s relief was soon overcome by another emotion-indecision. Now that he knew Atsushi was still there and doing okay…now what? Imai folded his arms over his stomach, feeling insecure although no one could see him. Should he just go now…or step closer?
Imai had just convinced himself that it would be better to leave Atsushi to sleep and was moving back towards the door when the other man stirred turning in Imai’s direction. Startled, Imai moved quicker than he should have and ended up running into a pile of magazines. Only a few of them slipped to the floor with a mute smacking noise, but in the quiet of the room it seemed extremely loud to Imai. He stood there, heart in his throat.
He couldn’t see Atsushi’s face clearly in the gloom, but he knew the other man was awake now. Thankfully he didn’t seem too panicked… Imai could hear the sound of the blanket slipping aside as Atsushi presumably sat up.
“Imai?” Atsushi asked hesitantly. He didn’t sound groggy at all and Imai suddenly had the suspicion that the other man hadn’t really been sleeping before.
“Yeah…”
“Ah…” There was nothing after that, but Imai knew Atsushi was still looking at him. He could feel the other man’s eyes on his face quite distinctly. “Are you…going home?” Atsushi asked after a while.
“I’m not sure.”
“Ah…okay…” That was all Imai needed to make him stay. Atsushi’s soft almost dejected tone told Imai that going home would be a very bad idea.
“Hide said there’s a lamp around here somewhere,” Imai mumbled, looking around the room for what might be a desk in the slowly lightening dark.
“I don’t need a light on,” Atsushi said, quietly.
“Okay then. I can sit with you in the dark. That’s fine with me.”
“Sit with-Imai, you don’t have to-” That was as much of a protest Atsushi was able to get out before Imai plopped down on the end of the futon, hoping Atsushi would move his feet if need be.
Atsushi moved more than just his feet as he sat up straighter, most likely curling his legs up underneath himself although Imai couldn’t see for sure. The pajamas Hide had given him to wear were some kind of dark color, so he blended quiet easily into the darkness behind him. The only visible thing was his face, but that was shadowed from what little moonlight that came through the covered windows by his long hair. If it wasn’t for the much lighter color of the futon acting as contrast Imai might not have seen the other man at all.
Imai sat in what he hoped seemed a relaxed manner, wrapping his arms loosely around his bent knees. “So…” he began, trying for casual but his voice sounded odd to even his own ears, so he just left it at that. Besides he didn’t know what to say anyway…
“You all think I’m crazy, don’t you?” Atsushi said, his voice very quiet.
Imai jerked on the defensive immediately. “What? No! They-we don’t think that, Acchan. We told you that much before.”
Imai was able to vaguely see Atsushi shake his head. “I know you all did but…isn’t it different when I’m not in the room?”
It felt like someone decided to fit a vice around Imai’s heart. “Atsushi, you know us well enough by now to know that we won’t lie to your face like that…”
There was a shameful silence. Imai could hear and somewhat see Atsushi shift uncomfortably. “I…know that but sometimes you have to wonder… Would it be better to believe the crazy man when he’s listening, but then…”
“You’re not crazy,” Imai told him in a sharp tone. He tried to ignore the flinch he thought he saw. “I saw these shinigami too-well, at least one of them that I remember-and I’m pretty sure they’re real. And I doubt the two of us would share the same delusion. And, besides, what happened tonight… we all saw that, Atsushi. That wasn’t something made up in a dream.”
“I know…” Atsushi voice was very small and stilted and Imai immediately felt terrible for bringing it all up again.
“Are…are you okay Acchan?” He knew it was a stupid question to ask-obviously Atsushi wasn’t “okay”. But that was the only way Imai could think to approach the subject…
To Imai’s surprised Atsushi laughed softly. It was a dark, bitter sound. “No. I don’t think I am.”
Imai released the hold he had on his knees, moving to kneel on the futon instead, facing Atsushi directly. His night vision was improving greatly, and he could tell that Atsushi was staring off towards the window. “Atsushi-”
Atsushi’s gaze darted towards Imai, who was startled to silence by the way the other man’s eyes gleamed in the dark. Atsushi quickly averted his eyes to the window again. “I…tried to go to sleep… tried to forget it all for just a few hours, you know? But…I can’t do it,” he told Imai, his voice very soft and tremulous.
Imai knew this was his time to say something, but his tongue was just a dead weight in his mouth at this point-his brain wasn’t coming up with anything for it to say; it was too focused on the pain in Imai’s heart. He couldn’t stand seeing Atsushi hurting so much…
When he spoke next, Atsushi’s voice was brittle. “I close my eyes and all I see is that box again and the…the…heart in it and all I can wonder is ‘who does that belong to’? Who died-who was murdered so that he could…and I…it’s different now,” Atsushi turned to Imai then. With his steadily improving night vision, Imai immediately noticed that his face was very white-Imai didn’t dare think ghostly-in the faint moonlight sneaking into the room.
“I mean…from the beginning I knew he…he killed people for...because of… for me…but no matter how many pictures they showed me it was so…abstract, like…like you’d see on the news? It’s terrible…horrible…but it’s not…not laying at your feet still warm and you know someone must have just died and…and…you wonder how it happened and if they knew and exactly what kind of life he he…cut short and…” Atsushi stopped to draw in a deep ragged breath, bringing his hands up to his face.
Imai’s aching heart had dropped, vice and all, to somewhere around his stomach. Without thinking he reached out to take Atsushi’s wrist in his hand but stopped when Atsushi jerked back from him-it was only a small unconscious movement, but it stopped Imai cold.
Atsushi wasn’t done yet. He continued, mumbling into his hands, “And that he…that he would do it in the name of love? That is just-I don’t know…it’s…”
“That’s not love.”
Imai was nearly as startled as Atsushi was at the sound of his own voice-dark, low and resolute. He hadn’t expected to say it, but now that the words were out…there was no stopping him now-he’d made up his mind and he hadn’t even known he’d been debating doing it…his next move.
The move that would change everything.
Atsushi had lowered his hands just far enough to look over his fingertips at Imai after he had spoken and Imai used this as an opportunity to meet Atsushi’s eyes squarely. He really hoped the frantic hammering of his pulse wasn’t as audible to Atsushi as it was to him.
“That’s not love at all-That’s nothing but a mockery. I would know.”
His next words must have shown in his eyes; either that or Atsushi had a higher understand of Imai than either of them knew. “Hisashi,” Atsushi said in a tone full of warning. “Don’t.”
That wasn’t Atsushi’s best move. Hearing his name like that-Hisashi, not Imai like he was so accustomed to- knocked down any walls that might have held Imai back. Reaching out he grabbed both of Atsushi’s wrists and made him lower his hands. The other man gazed back at him, his face tight and eyes wary.
“I would know,” Imai repeated, keeping his voice slow and calm. “Because I love you.”
Through the grip he had on Atsushi’s hands Imai could feel how he tensed. Besides that, however, Atsushi didn’t physically react at all. He just continued to stare. Then, after that long frozen moment, a full-bodied shudder seemed to course through him and he bent forward, hair tumbling down to hide his face from view.
Overcome with the fear that something really serious might be wrong, Imai tugged sharply on the wrists he was still holding up over Atsushi’s now bowed head. “Atsushi are you ok-” he began to ask anxiously.
Imai almost dropped his hold on Atsushi as his hands abruptly clenched into tight fists in Imai’s grip. “Did you really have to say that now?” Atsushi whispered, his voice cracked and gritty. “Of all times…Hisashi…”
“I thought you needed to hear it-” Imai admitted. He was getting a tad unnerved having to look at the top of Atsushi’s head like this…
“Thought I needed to-so you’re just-why would you say that and not-” All at once Atsushi’s head came up and he wrenched himself free of Imai’s hold on him.
Although Imai wasn’t up to offering much of a fight. He was too busy gaping at the other man and the fact that he was…he was crying. Not the typical misty-eyed type of tears he usually saw, but these were the genuine, bleed-me-dry type of tears-and Atsushi was of course keenly aware of this and was already scrambling to free himself from the futon and stand up before Imai could really grasp what was happening.
“Atsushi, no-no, stay here!” It was a long-shot, but Imai lunged for the other man and managed to grab the fabric of his pajamas and he pulled. Atsushi, still rather weak and unstable from earlier, tumbled back down on the futon. Before he could gain his bearings Imai closed his arms around him, trapping him so that his head was on Imai’s shoulder.
Much to his surprise Atsushi barely even bothered to put up a token protest. Almost as soon as the struggle began, it ended with Atsushi sagging in defeat against Imai. His right hand, for a short time put to use at trying to push Imai away, instead tightened almost uncomfortably in the fabric of his shirt.
Imai didn’t say anything. He sat there stiffly at first, ready for more of a fight, but as Atsushi relaxed so did he until it felt as if he’d been holding Atsushi in his arms forever instead of just a few moments, and it was the most natural thing in the world for him.
It wasn’t though. Every nerve in his body was hyperaware. He could feel the way Atsushi was trembling just so and how his tears-surprisingly hot while the man himself was frightfully cold-smeared against his neck as Atsushi buried his face there. His breath was on Imai’s collarbone, his hair a scratchy mess against Imai’s cheek…and then the smell of sweat, the last of shampoo or cologne of some sort and…and blood.
No matter how much Atsushi washed before bed, the smell of blood was still there. Almost like…almost like he was cursed…
No. Imai wouldn’t think like that. He was just imaging the smell anyway he realized as he enfolded Atsushi even tighter in his arms, burying his face in Atsushi’s hair as the other man clung to him. There was nothing there but the smell of Atsushi-something he’d known forever but had never really thought about.
Imai was only able to savor this closeness for a few heartbeats until he remember exactly why they were tangled up together like this. Because of what Imai had said. Out of all that had happened tonight it had been Imai telling the truth about his feelings that had made Atsushi topple over the edge like this.
And Imai was absolutely horrified.
“Hey, Acchan, it’s okay, it’s…okay,” he mumbled into the mess of Atsushi’s hair. If he clung to Atsushi just a little bit more he didn’t think the other man would notice. “I just wanted you to know I’d be here for you, that’s all…” He hesitated, not able to go on but…doing it anyway.
“I don’t know why you’re…it’s really nothing, right? I mean, if…if U-ta for example were to say such a thing it just means the same thing right? Friends are allowed to love each other right? And-”
“Shut up Hisashi.” Atsushi’s voice was thick and ragged with tears, but it was enough to do exactly that-make Imai shut up. Atsushi leaned his forehead against Imai’s shoulder as he drew in a shaky breath. “U-ta wouldn’t say it the same way you did.”
Atsushi had a point there. Words were truly powerful things-he’d given himself away through terminology. Imai’s pulse was racing; there really was no way to take it back now. Even if it did seem like it would be for the betterment of Atsushi’s mental state…
Imai reached up and, pausing only minutely, laid his hand on top of Atsushi’s fingers that were clenched in his shirt. He brushed his thumb along Atsushi’s knuckles-just a ghost of a caress. “I wouldn’t have said it if I didn’t mean it, Acchan,” Imai told him solemnly. He put as much truth as he could into those words because…well, they meant everything.
Atsushi’s only response to that was to breath in another shuddering breath. He didn’t move his hand however and so Imai didn’t back off.
Without realizing it at first Imai started rocking the both of them gently. When that didn’t incite any negative reactions Imai took it another step further and began to use his free hand to stroke Atsushi’s back. Atsushi’s breath hitched and Imai’s heart plummeted in that spilt second…until the other man’s arm, long since laying limp and unused between them, came up around Imai’s back to clutch at him, inadvertently pulling the two of them closer together. Then he mumbled something that Imai didn’t understand and he was a bit hesitant to ask, but…
“What was that Acchan?”
Atsushi breathed in and then coughed. “I said ‘I’m sorry’,” he tried again. He sounded so very miserable…
Imai bit his lip so hard he wouldn’t be surprised if he started bleeding and was very glad that Atsushi couldn’t see him. “It’s all right, I didn’t expect-”
Imai stopped speaking as Atsushi shook his head against his shoulder. “No. I mean for…this… For cr-crying like a little child. I shouldn’t, but-”
And then, of all things, Atsushi sniffled.
It took all of Imai’s willpower not to laugh-at the sound, at the situation…out of relief. But he managed to keep his tone serious as he said, “I dunno, Acchan, I happen to think you deserve this a little bit, don’t you?”
Atsushi’s breathing hitched as he tried to get himself under control. “It isn’t helping anything.”
“No, I think it is,” Imai murmured softly…sincerely. His hand moved off of Atsushi’s back to brush back his hair. He could see Atsushi’s ear and, after digging a little bit deeper into the tangle, there was his cheek and jaw…but the other man didn’t look up at him.
“Yeah, making me feel like a little girl…” Atsushi muttered, his breath very warm against Imai’s neck.
Imai’s lips quirked a bit in a smile-not that it mattered of course since no one could see him. “We can just keep this between the two of us then?”
Atsushi’s grip on Imai intensified immensely in that moment and Imai was momentarily taken aback. He responded by running his fingertips down Atsushi’s spine and he didn’t miss the way Atsushi shivered as he did that. They remained locked together in a silence interrupted only by Atsushi’s unsteady breathing.
Imai wasn’t sure how long they stayed that way, Imai offering whatever comfort he could, but Atsushi did begin to settle down and soon there was only the occasional shudder as he inhaled or exhaled. His tears had long since dried-both on his cheeks and Imai’s neck-and now all he was doing was resting his head peaceable on Imai’s shoulder.
Now that the emotional wave had passed, Imai was now able to realize other things-such as the fact that his legs were beginning to ache because he hadn’t exactly landed back on the futon in the most comfortable position, and that the room was actually rather cold, despite it being summer time. That might be one reason was Atsushi was still shivering.
“Hold on…” he murmured more to himself than Atsushi. Shifting both of their weight as best he could, Imai managed to unfold his legs, but doing so put him at an angle that made it harder for him to continue holding Atsushi as he was…so Imai changed his plans.
Atsushi didn’t say anything when Imai freed his legs, but once he started pulling the both of them down to lay on the futon he stirred. “Hisashi, I don’t-”
“Shh, we’re just going to lay down, that’s all,” Imai said in an attempt to soothe, but he didn’t really think he did a good job of it. It was pretty hard to do that when his mouth was dry. “My legs are asleep and you’re freezing, so I think it would be better this way…”
Atsushi didn’t verbally protest after that, but he certainly wasn’t relaxed anymore. Imai ignored this temporarily, going about the duty of getting them both underneath the coverlet. It was somewhat hard to do since Imai was sitting on part of it and he really didn’t want to let go of Atsushi out of fear he’d bolt. Since trying to fish it out from under his own ass was…well, a pain in the ass, Imai ended up grabbing the far end and flipping that up over them. That made it easier to wiggle the rest free from his weight and a quick shake had it falling the way it was supposed to-almost.
After that came the task laying down…and Imai had no fancy moves for that. So he simply lay down with his head on the pillow and most of Atsushi down on top of him. Atsushi of course tried to slide over to the side but Imai held him in place by wrapping both arms around his back. Atsushi stopped trying to move away, but it was like Imai was trying to hold onto a stiff board than a man.
Imai supposed he could feel offended by that, that he could call Atsushi out on it and demand they talk about everything now-about Atsushi’s reactions, about their fight the other night, about what they were both feeling-but he didn’t.
Instead he began to toy with the ends of Atsushi’s hair as he said, “Hmm…just imagine it-laying in a beautiful green park somewhere-maybe even back home in Gunma? A dark night where the warms breeze stirs the grass and perfumes the air with night flowers-I’m sure you know of some of those, huh?”
By this point Atsushi had calmed a bit and seemed to be listening. He certainly didn’t tell Imai to stop playing with his hair, so Imai pressed his advantage and started stroking his back again, very gently. Imai stared up at the dark ceiling as he continued, trying to see it for himself.
“And then you look up and, in this park you can see the stars. Millions and millions of them stretching on for eternity in all directions, burning so very brightly and fiercely-a fiery life up in the sky that will probably outlive each and every one of us and…well, isn’t that something? So in this far away sky there is just so much…and yet down in this park it just…just the two of us and-” Imai stumbled at this point, not sure where he was going with this…
So he jumped on another track. “I don’t know if I can remember any of the constellations… You’d know this better than me, Acchan.” No response from Atsushi. Imai hadn’t missed that, as he continued to talk, Atsushi had gradually relaxed until he was now a limp, warm weight against Imai. Even his hand, still resting on Imai’s chest, had loosened so that it lay in an empty curled fist somewhere between Imai’s neck and Atsushi’s cheek. His breathing was slow and steady with only the occasional hitch.
Imai had the impression that Atsushi wasn’t hearing much of what he was saying anymore, but he continued anyway. “There’s… Scorpius and… some sort of snake-Hydra? I don’t get these old Greek names… There’s that one called the North Star that’s part of…well, it’s part of a constellation that has a lot of names right? And there’s that hunter-and ah, Sagittarius, I remember hearing about that one…”
He continued to prattle on, trying to remember but sometimes just making things up. As he talked his hand began to move higher up Atsushi’s back, to his shoulder, until he was once against brushing back his hair. Atsushi didn’t even stir as Imai touched a tentative finger against his cheekbone. He was well asleep by this point; his mouth was even parted slightly in a rather cute, endearing way.
Imai closed his eyes as his heart gave a painful little lurch in his chest-it wasn’t a sorrowful feeling but it still hurt. It was a bit of longing perhaps…and maybe even some pleasure that Atsushi would trust him enough to fall asleep like this after everything… And there was also a trace of fear…that this was temporary and could disappear with the light of day…either by outside sources or because of Atsushi himself.
Imai immediately chastised himself. He shouldn’t worry about that now-this was one of those quiet moments one was supposed to enjoy without any reservations. It was to be just like the picture he’d been painting with his words-just the two of them together. Nothing more, nothing less.
And, somewhere up beyond his sight there was that sky he spoke of. “Ah, I remember another one,” he whispered to the man sleeping beside him. “Lyra. Could you imagine, playing a musical instrument from the sky?” Of course Atsushi didn’t respond to that; Imai didn’t expect him to. Imai gazed down at Atsushi’s sleeping face as he brushed a few more strands of hair behind the other man’s ear. “If anyone deserves to play it, it would be you,” he murmured without thinking.
His own sentimentality was enough make Imai blush. But that was all right, at least in such a moment.
Closing his eyes, Imai curled as best he could around the man in his arms before settling in for the night. He wasn’t sure if he’d be able to sleep or not, but he didn’t mind. He’d rather lay awake all night with Atsushi than sleep apart. Imai didn’t care how sappy that sounded-it was the truth.
And that, Imai felt, was what they needed to cling to right now. The truth.
"Good night, Acchan." He wanted to say the words that had gotten him into this position, but once that night was enough. Besides, although his lips didn't say it, his heart did. And that was all that mattered.
--I’ve heard about the “gift tables” at shows. But I doubt they go straight from the table and into the hands of the artists themselves. And, honestly, I’d forgotten about them as I started writing this. So…that’s why Atsushi says he never gets things at venues.
--Argh, it was haaaard to write all five of the band members! I’ve been so lazy with Toll, U-ta and Hide in this story. ><. Now that it’s time to draw them in... argh. It’s like one big personality spread among three people! ><. (Okay, maybe not? *hopehope*)
--The scene with Atsushi and the detective came out of nowhere. It’s not exactly the most realistic in the term of police procedures, but it’s there-it’s proof that Atsushi’s isn’t always a big crybaby...he can get bitchy too. XD
-- That end scene was a bastard to write…and I still don’t like it! I was tempted to stop what I was writing to rewrite it two times in the past few days, but then I’d stop and realize that I didn’t really know any other way to make it get to the endpoint I wanted…which didn’t come out anyway like it was in my head. BLEH. Closing this chapter was a pain the butt too... In fact I just edited it for the third time as I post it now...
-Lyra: http://www.dibonsmith.com/lyr_con.htm
I don't know about the constellation scene either. XD I got the idea of Imai spinning the story one night while I was...I don't remember what I was doing, but it seemed like a cute idea. XD I wanted to find one that meant "The Lovers" but that's tarot cards! >< Stupid brain. lol!
So I settled for the musical instrument that was used in a story about a lover going to hell and back for their beloved. XDD
--Total stats on this chapter: 15,800+ words, 35 pages in Word at size 12 font (single blank space between paragraphs)
*
By the time Hide made it back to the living room Imai was pacing. He’d struggled for very long not to do so, but the longer they were gone the more jittery he’d become and either he paced or he exploded.
Toll had already taken over one of Hide’s chairs and taken out a cigarette. He seemed extremely relaxed, feet up on the table nearby. U-ta had sat down as well, on the couch, but he was sitting on the edge of it, hands knotted together and dangling between his knees.
“We’ll have to keep our voices down,” Hide said before anyone else could speak up. “So that means no yelling, Imai.”
Imai folded his arms petulantly. “Why the hell do you think I’d do that?”
“Well, you do look ready to start shooting someone…” U-ta offered.
Imai turned his glare on him. “I do not.”
“Yes you do,” Toll said. “And you have for a while. I’m actually rather surprised that poor officer who took you aside wasn’t left beaten into the ground.”
“Well, he was a wimpy little bastard who was wasting my time!”
Hide sighed, breaking into the conversation before it could go farther. “Take a seat Imai.”
“I don’t want to,” Imai insisted. He wasn’t aware that he was gazing at the hallway Hide had just come from until Hide spoke up.
“He’s sleeping, Imai.”
“I know that,” Imai replied, immediately on the defensive.
Hide, who took a seat in another chair, just sent him a very doubtful look. “Just sit down.”
With all three of them staring him down, Imai had no other option than to sit. But he didn’t do it gracefully, nor did he sit still. Shifting anxiously next to U-ta, he made it perfectly clear that he’d rather be somewhere else… and he tried to ignore the fact that all three probably knew where that was…
“So, it looks like the police believe the whole ‘We have no clue’ story,” Toll said as he stubbed out his cigarette and then lit another.
“Well, what else are they going to believe?” U-ta asked.
“Well, that detective did talk to Atsushi for a long time,” Imai reminded them. In fact, they had all been done being questioned long before Atsushi had been. But the police officers had herded them together on a couch and decided to group question them… most likely to keep them from interrupting the other detective.
Imai had almost been ready to go berserk by then. Especially since they’d been put in a position where he couldn’t see Atsushi clearly anymore... Hide had been forced to practically sit on Imai to keep him from making a scene.
The police hadn’t been able to justify holding them like that for very long, but after those men had left them in peace Hide had forced them all to discuss what was going to happen that night. Then, when it was decided and Hide had gone up to interrupt the still ongoing questioning, he had all but threatened Imai with bodily harm if he didn’t sit still.
Imai’s feathers were still a bit ruffled from Hide’s commanding attitude, but since it had ended up in them all here-safe and sound and not arrested-he wasn’t going to bring it up.
“I’m not surprised that he did that,” Hide spoke up. He sat in the chair, his hands resting flat on the arms. “Atsushi is the reason this happened, after all.”
Imai almost leapt off his cushion, but U-ta grabbed his sleeve and that reminded him to be calm down. “It’s not his fault!” he insisted in a furious whisper.
Hide’s brow furrowed. “I didn’t say it was his fault, Imai. I said he was the reason. There’s a difference. ”
Imai sat back down at that, feeling a bit foolish at getting all excited because…well, Hide was right. “Yeah…yeah, you’re right. I’m sorry. I just…”
“Feel on edge?” U-ta supplied, his face full of sympathy. “I do too.”
“We all do,” Toll stated firmly. He met each of their eyes in turn. Imai fought down the urge to fidget. “We have to do something about this.”
“What can we do?” Hide asked. He leaned back in his chair and folded his arms. “If this weirdo is really out there-” he put up a hand when Imai went to protest. “I mean out in Tokyo at this very minute, Imai. If that weirdo is really out there, then what exactly can the four of us do against him? I’m not exactly up on my vampire lore…nor do I have much experience with fighting supernatural creatures. ”
“Yeah, that’s not really in the job description, is it?” Toll mused with a bitter smile.
“And unless one of you two have a secret life of vampire hunting I don’t know about, I don’t think any of us do,” Hide finished as if Toll hadn’t spoken.
Imai heard them, but he really didn’t want to. He folded his arms, tucking his hands under his armpits as if they were cold-and they were. He was cold.
“Don’t you know that I have a silver cross in my bedroom?” U-ta remarked dryly, tapping out his cigarette in the same ash tray Toll was using.
“That’s not funny, U-ta!” Imai hissed.
“No, it’s true, he really does,” Toll spoke up on his brother’s defense. “But it’s only a necklace someone sent you, right?”
U-ta nodded. “Yeah, but I was thinking…maybe Acchan should have it instead?”
Hide frowned. “What’s the big deal with a silver cross?”
U-ta shrugged. “I dunno, but I remember hearing somewhere that vampires don’t like crosses? Or something? I don’t really know that much…”
Imai frowned, staring hard at Hide’s cream-colored carpet. That was their problem wasn’t it? They didn’t know anything about what was going on. That put them at a severe disadvantage while the Shinigami…
“Why haven’t they showed up yet?” Imai asked the room at large, lifting his head to look at the other three. They all stared back at him. “The Shinigami,” he clarified.
“Imai, I’m not quite sure…” Hide started, most likely about to reiterate his concerns from before.
“It doesn’t matter what you think, Hide. They should still have shown up by now…” Imai trailed off. He couldn’t help taking a quick glance around the room as if they would appear out of thin air-which wasn’t too far from possible. “Trust them or not, they did say there were looking out for him and…they aren’t here.”
“Do they actually need to be here to ‘look out’ for him?” Toll asked sensibly. He gestured towards the nearest window with the hand the held his cigarette. “I mean, this guy’s out there, not here. Maybe they’re looking for him?”
Imai bit his bottom lip. “Maybe.”
“That would make the most sense,” U-ta supplied. “Maybe they got some supernatural way to track him or something and they’re on the case right now?”
“Maybe.” Imai still didn’t feel placated. Maybe it was because he really didn’t want to deal with the Shinigami, but knew they had to…and this waiting for the uncomfortable inevitable wasn’t what he wanted right now…
“Well, I for one have had enough to people asking me questions tonight,” Toll remarked right before he yawned mightily, stretching his arms up over his head. “If I’d have known we’d have a crisis tonight I wouldn’t have played so hard.”
“Crises are exactly planned, Aniki,” U-ta reminded him.
Toll threw his half-empty cigarette pack at U-ta, who ducked just in time. “Obviously.”
All four of them stared at one another after that in silence, not knowing what to do.
“Should we…stick around?” U-ta asked Hide, his voice unsure.
Hide shrugged a little. “How should I know? So far the biggest thing to happen here is putting Atsushi to bed.”
Again the confused staring. This wouldn’t be the first time they stayed up late into the night, but Imai doubted they’d do the normal routine of partying during that time. He could tell by the looks on everyone else’s face that they thought that would be as irresponsible as he did.
“I…err…only have the one futon,” Hide said after a time.
Imai couldn’t take this anymore. He stood up and that caught everyone’s attention. “I don’t care what you do. I’m going to go check on Atsushi.”
He left them all staring after him as he marched towards the hallway. He was really glad his back was to them, because he felt his cheeks start to warm. He really shouldn’t be embarrassed-there was nothing wrong with being protective…
Hide caught up with him in the hall. He grabbed a hold of Imai’s sleeve, making him stop. Imai whirled around to glare at him, hoping that would make him go away. It didn’t.
“The futon’s under the window to the right. It’s a bit cluttered in there, so step lightly,” he told Imai, who stared at him dumbly. That was it?
“Err…thanks.”
“There’s a lamp on the desk in the middle of the room if you want some light without turning on the overhead ones.”
“Okay…” Imai was definitely confused. “Why are you telling me this?”
Hide shrugged. “The last thing we need is you giving Atsushi a heart attack by falling over something in the dark.”
Imai bit his lip. “What made you think I’d actually go in the room?”
“Why wouldn’t you? It’s only natural, isn’t it?”
Imai gave Hide a strange look. “What?”
Hide shrugged again. “I’m just saying that it’s no big surprise that you’d want to check on Atsushi, that’s all.”
Imai’s heart decided to turn over in his chest then. “What are you implying?” he asked Hide coldly, trying to ignore the way his neck flushed.
“Implying? What is there to imply?” Hide questioned, although is confusion was far from genuine.
“Never mind,” Imai mumbled as he turned away from Hide. Fine, be that way. Imai did not want to have this conversation now anyway. Well, at least not the conversation he thought Hide was implying they should have and…what the fuck was this, anyway?
He was purposely too confused right now to be properly mortified. Because if… no. No. Stay confused, play dumb…
“Just a word of advice though,” Hide spoke up after Imai had started down the hall again. “I wouldn’t recommending rocking the boat too much right now…or it might be man overboard.”
“What kind of shit it that?” Imai growled. He’d heard Hide…but he didn’t really want to understand what he’d said. “It’s a good thing you’re not a poet, Hide. You’d suck.”
Hide’s eyebrows shot up to his hairline. “Why thanks a lot, Imai.”
Imai mumbled a half-intelligible response to that.
“Well…” Hide said, apparently about to say something else, but he seemed to think better of it and left Imai alone after that.
Now, standing in the middle of hallway, Imai was having second thoughts. Maybe he should just go home or something…leave Atsushi alone…
No…no, that wasn’t going to work. Imai was certain that as soon as he went home...he’d be coming right back over here when he discovered he couldn’t sleep.
Just a little peek wouldn’t hurt, anyway…
The only light in the hall was coming from the main room, where Imai could hear the faintest murmur of voices. The end of the hall, where Hide’s office was, was dark and murky. As it was thought, Imai only cracked the door opened the slightest bit, hoping it wouldn’t squeak. Hide was right about not wanting to scare Atsushi too badly…
He couldn’t see anything in the room outside of the dusky haze of light that trickled in around the door. Besides, hadn’t Hide said Atsushi would be on the right? The door opened so that Imai could see the left part of the room.
There was no helping it. Imai would have to go into the room. He really hoped he could be quiet enough…
Pushing the door opened gentle, Imai held his breath, just waiting for it to creak. It didn’t. Once it was opened far enough for Imai to slip through he did so.
Since his eyes were starting to become adjusted to the dim light it wasn’t as pitch black in the room as it could have been, but it was still hard to see. Imai did see the shape of the window though, pale moonlight leaking around the edges of the curtains. It was just enough to highlight the white fabric around the edge of the futon coverlet.
Squinting, Imai could just make out the shape of Atsushi’s body under that bulky thing, and he released a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. So he was here, and appeared to be sleeping peacefully-Imai could see the blankets moving as he breathed, so it was more than obvious he was…well, just sleeping.
Imai’s relief was soon overcome by another emotion-indecision. Now that he knew Atsushi was still there and doing okay…now what? Imai folded his arms over his stomach, feeling insecure although no one could see him. Should he just go now…or step closer?
Imai had just convinced himself that it would be better to leave Atsushi to sleep and was moving back towards the door when the other man stirred turning in Imai’s direction. Startled, Imai moved quicker than he should have and ended up running into a pile of magazines. Only a few of them slipped to the floor with a mute smacking noise, but in the quiet of the room it seemed extremely loud to Imai. He stood there, heart in his throat.
He couldn’t see Atsushi’s face clearly in the gloom, but he knew the other man was awake now. Thankfully he didn’t seem too panicked… Imai could hear the sound of the blanket slipping aside as Atsushi presumably sat up.
“Imai?” Atsushi asked hesitantly. He didn’t sound groggy at all and Imai suddenly had the suspicion that the other man hadn’t really been sleeping before.
“Yeah…”
“Ah…” There was nothing after that, but Imai knew Atsushi was still looking at him. He could feel the other man’s eyes on his face quite distinctly. “Are you…going home?” Atsushi asked after a while.
“I’m not sure.”
“Ah…okay…” That was all Imai needed to make him stay. Atsushi’s soft almost dejected tone told Imai that going home would be a very bad idea.
“Hide said there’s a lamp around here somewhere,” Imai mumbled, looking around the room for what might be a desk in the slowly lightening dark.
“I don’t need a light on,” Atsushi said, quietly.
“Okay then. I can sit with you in the dark. That’s fine with me.”
“Sit with-Imai, you don’t have to-” That was as much of a protest Atsushi was able to get out before Imai plopped down on the end of the futon, hoping Atsushi would move his feet if need be.
Atsushi moved more than just his feet as he sat up straighter, most likely curling his legs up underneath himself although Imai couldn’t see for sure. The pajamas Hide had given him to wear were some kind of dark color, so he blended quiet easily into the darkness behind him. The only visible thing was his face, but that was shadowed from what little moonlight that came through the covered windows by his long hair. If it wasn’t for the much lighter color of the futon acting as contrast Imai might not have seen the other man at all.
Imai sat in what he hoped seemed a relaxed manner, wrapping his arms loosely around his bent knees. “So…” he began, trying for casual but his voice sounded odd to even his own ears, so he just left it at that. Besides he didn’t know what to say anyway…
“You all think I’m crazy, don’t you?” Atsushi said, his voice very quiet.
Imai jerked on the defensive immediately. “What? No! They-we don’t think that, Acchan. We told you that much before.”
Imai was able to vaguely see Atsushi shake his head. “I know you all did but…isn’t it different when I’m not in the room?”
It felt like someone decided to fit a vice around Imai’s heart. “Atsushi, you know us well enough by now to know that we won’t lie to your face like that…”
There was a shameful silence. Imai could hear and somewhat see Atsushi shift uncomfortably. “I…know that but sometimes you have to wonder… Would it be better to believe the crazy man when he’s listening, but then…”
“You’re not crazy,” Imai told him in a sharp tone. He tried to ignore the flinch he thought he saw. “I saw these shinigami too-well, at least one of them that I remember-and I’m pretty sure they’re real. And I doubt the two of us would share the same delusion. And, besides, what happened tonight… we all saw that, Atsushi. That wasn’t something made up in a dream.”
“I know…” Atsushi voice was very small and stilted and Imai immediately felt terrible for bringing it all up again.
“Are…are you okay Acchan?” He knew it was a stupid question to ask-obviously Atsushi wasn’t “okay”. But that was the only way Imai could think to approach the subject…
To Imai’s surprised Atsushi laughed softly. It was a dark, bitter sound. “No. I don’t think I am.”
Imai released the hold he had on his knees, moving to kneel on the futon instead, facing Atsushi directly. His night vision was improving greatly, and he could tell that Atsushi was staring off towards the window. “Atsushi-”
Atsushi’s gaze darted towards Imai, who was startled to silence by the way the other man’s eyes gleamed in the dark. Atsushi quickly averted his eyes to the window again. “I…tried to go to sleep… tried to forget it all for just a few hours, you know? But…I can’t do it,” he told Imai, his voice very soft and tremulous.
Imai knew this was his time to say something, but his tongue was just a dead weight in his mouth at this point-his brain wasn’t coming up with anything for it to say; it was too focused on the pain in Imai’s heart. He couldn’t stand seeing Atsushi hurting so much…
When he spoke next, Atsushi’s voice was brittle. “I close my eyes and all I see is that box again and the…the…heart in it and all I can wonder is ‘who does that belong to’? Who died-who was murdered so that he could…and I…it’s different now,” Atsushi turned to Imai then. With his steadily improving night vision, Imai immediately noticed that his face was very white-Imai didn’t dare think ghostly-in the faint moonlight sneaking into the room.
“I mean…from the beginning I knew he…he killed people for...because of… for me…but no matter how many pictures they showed me it was so…abstract, like…like you’d see on the news? It’s terrible…horrible…but it’s not…not laying at your feet still warm and you know someone must have just died and…and…you wonder how it happened and if they knew and exactly what kind of life he he…cut short and…” Atsushi stopped to draw in a deep ragged breath, bringing his hands up to his face.
Imai’s aching heart had dropped, vice and all, to somewhere around his stomach. Without thinking he reached out to take Atsushi’s wrist in his hand but stopped when Atsushi jerked back from him-it was only a small unconscious movement, but it stopped Imai cold.
Atsushi wasn’t done yet. He continued, mumbling into his hands, “And that he…that he would do it in the name of love? That is just-I don’t know…it’s…”
“That’s not love.”
Imai was nearly as startled as Atsushi was at the sound of his own voice-dark, low and resolute. He hadn’t expected to say it, but now that the words were out…there was no stopping him now-he’d made up his mind and he hadn’t even known he’d been debating doing it…his next move.
The move that would change everything.
Atsushi had lowered his hands just far enough to look over his fingertips at Imai after he had spoken and Imai used this as an opportunity to meet Atsushi’s eyes squarely. He really hoped the frantic hammering of his pulse wasn’t as audible to Atsushi as it was to him.
“That’s not love at all-That’s nothing but a mockery. I would know.”
His next words must have shown in his eyes; either that or Atsushi had a higher understand of Imai than either of them knew. “Hisashi,” Atsushi said in a tone full of warning. “Don’t.”
That wasn’t Atsushi’s best move. Hearing his name like that-Hisashi, not Imai like he was so accustomed to- knocked down any walls that might have held Imai back. Reaching out he grabbed both of Atsushi’s wrists and made him lower his hands. The other man gazed back at him, his face tight and eyes wary.
“I would know,” Imai repeated, keeping his voice slow and calm. “Because I love you.”
Through the grip he had on Atsushi’s hands Imai could feel how he tensed. Besides that, however, Atsushi didn’t physically react at all. He just continued to stare. Then, after that long frozen moment, a full-bodied shudder seemed to course through him and he bent forward, hair tumbling down to hide his face from view.
Overcome with the fear that something really serious might be wrong, Imai tugged sharply on the wrists he was still holding up over Atsushi’s now bowed head. “Atsushi are you ok-” he began to ask anxiously.
Imai almost dropped his hold on Atsushi as his hands abruptly clenched into tight fists in Imai’s grip. “Did you really have to say that now?” Atsushi whispered, his voice cracked and gritty. “Of all times…Hisashi…”
“I thought you needed to hear it-” Imai admitted. He was getting a tad unnerved having to look at the top of Atsushi’s head like this…
“Thought I needed to-so you’re just-why would you say that and not-” All at once Atsushi’s head came up and he wrenched himself free of Imai’s hold on him.
Although Imai wasn’t up to offering much of a fight. He was too busy gaping at the other man and the fact that he was…he was crying. Not the typical misty-eyed type of tears he usually saw, but these were the genuine, bleed-me-dry type of tears-and Atsushi was of course keenly aware of this and was already scrambling to free himself from the futon and stand up before Imai could really grasp what was happening.
“Atsushi, no-no, stay here!” It was a long-shot, but Imai lunged for the other man and managed to grab the fabric of his pajamas and he pulled. Atsushi, still rather weak and unstable from earlier, tumbled back down on the futon. Before he could gain his bearings Imai closed his arms around him, trapping him so that his head was on Imai’s shoulder.
Much to his surprise Atsushi barely even bothered to put up a token protest. Almost as soon as the struggle began, it ended with Atsushi sagging in defeat against Imai. His right hand, for a short time put to use at trying to push Imai away, instead tightened almost uncomfortably in the fabric of his shirt.
Imai didn’t say anything. He sat there stiffly at first, ready for more of a fight, but as Atsushi relaxed so did he until it felt as if he’d been holding Atsushi in his arms forever instead of just a few moments, and it was the most natural thing in the world for him.
It wasn’t though. Every nerve in his body was hyperaware. He could feel the way Atsushi was trembling just so and how his tears-surprisingly hot while the man himself was frightfully cold-smeared against his neck as Atsushi buried his face there. His breath was on Imai’s collarbone, his hair a scratchy mess against Imai’s cheek…and then the smell of sweat, the last of shampoo or cologne of some sort and…and blood.
No matter how much Atsushi washed before bed, the smell of blood was still there. Almost like…almost like he was cursed…
No. Imai wouldn’t think like that. He was just imaging the smell anyway he realized as he enfolded Atsushi even tighter in his arms, burying his face in Atsushi’s hair as the other man clung to him. There was nothing there but the smell of Atsushi-something he’d known forever but had never really thought about.
Imai was only able to savor this closeness for a few heartbeats until he remember exactly why they were tangled up together like this. Because of what Imai had said. Out of all that had happened tonight it had been Imai telling the truth about his feelings that had made Atsushi topple over the edge like this.
And Imai was absolutely horrified.
“Hey, Acchan, it’s okay, it’s…okay,” he mumbled into the mess of Atsushi’s hair. If he clung to Atsushi just a little bit more he didn’t think the other man would notice. “I just wanted you to know I’d be here for you, that’s all…” He hesitated, not able to go on but…doing it anyway.
“I don’t know why you’re…it’s really nothing, right? I mean, if…if U-ta for example were to say such a thing it just means the same thing right? Friends are allowed to love each other right? And-”
“Shut up Hisashi.” Atsushi’s voice was thick and ragged with tears, but it was enough to do exactly that-make Imai shut up. Atsushi leaned his forehead against Imai’s shoulder as he drew in a shaky breath. “U-ta wouldn’t say it the same way you did.”
Atsushi had a point there. Words were truly powerful things-he’d given himself away through terminology. Imai’s pulse was racing; there really was no way to take it back now. Even if it did seem like it would be for the betterment of Atsushi’s mental state…
Imai reached up and, pausing only minutely, laid his hand on top of Atsushi’s fingers that were clenched in his shirt. He brushed his thumb along Atsushi’s knuckles-just a ghost of a caress. “I wouldn’t have said it if I didn’t mean it, Acchan,” Imai told him solemnly. He put as much truth as he could into those words because…well, they meant everything.
Atsushi’s only response to that was to breath in another shuddering breath. He didn’t move his hand however and so Imai didn’t back off.
Without realizing it at first Imai started rocking the both of them gently. When that didn’t incite any negative reactions Imai took it another step further and began to use his free hand to stroke Atsushi’s back. Atsushi’s breath hitched and Imai’s heart plummeted in that spilt second…until the other man’s arm, long since laying limp and unused between them, came up around Imai’s back to clutch at him, inadvertently pulling the two of them closer together. Then he mumbled something that Imai didn’t understand and he was a bit hesitant to ask, but…
“What was that Acchan?”
Atsushi breathed in and then coughed. “I said ‘I’m sorry’,” he tried again. He sounded so very miserable…
Imai bit his lip so hard he wouldn’t be surprised if he started bleeding and was very glad that Atsushi couldn’t see him. “It’s all right, I didn’t expect-”
Imai stopped speaking as Atsushi shook his head against his shoulder. “No. I mean for…this… For cr-crying like a little child. I shouldn’t, but-”
And then, of all things, Atsushi sniffled.
It took all of Imai’s willpower not to laugh-at the sound, at the situation…out of relief. But he managed to keep his tone serious as he said, “I dunno, Acchan, I happen to think you deserve this a little bit, don’t you?”
Atsushi’s breathing hitched as he tried to get himself under control. “It isn’t helping anything.”
“No, I think it is,” Imai murmured softly…sincerely. His hand moved off of Atsushi’s back to brush back his hair. He could see Atsushi’s ear and, after digging a little bit deeper into the tangle, there was his cheek and jaw…but the other man didn’t look up at him.
“Yeah, making me feel like a little girl…” Atsushi muttered, his breath very warm against Imai’s neck.
Imai’s lips quirked a bit in a smile-not that it mattered of course since no one could see him. “We can just keep this between the two of us then?”
Atsushi’s grip on Imai intensified immensely in that moment and Imai was momentarily taken aback. He responded by running his fingertips down Atsushi’s spine and he didn’t miss the way Atsushi shivered as he did that. They remained locked together in a silence interrupted only by Atsushi’s unsteady breathing.
Imai wasn’t sure how long they stayed that way, Imai offering whatever comfort he could, but Atsushi did begin to settle down and soon there was only the occasional shudder as he inhaled or exhaled. His tears had long since dried-both on his cheeks and Imai’s neck-and now all he was doing was resting his head peaceable on Imai’s shoulder.
Now that the emotional wave had passed, Imai was now able to realize other things-such as the fact that his legs were beginning to ache because he hadn’t exactly landed back on the futon in the most comfortable position, and that the room was actually rather cold, despite it being summer time. That might be one reason was Atsushi was still shivering.
“Hold on…” he murmured more to himself than Atsushi. Shifting both of their weight as best he could, Imai managed to unfold his legs, but doing so put him at an angle that made it harder for him to continue holding Atsushi as he was…so Imai changed his plans.
Atsushi didn’t say anything when Imai freed his legs, but once he started pulling the both of them down to lay on the futon he stirred. “Hisashi, I don’t-”
“Shh, we’re just going to lay down, that’s all,” Imai said in an attempt to soothe, but he didn’t really think he did a good job of it. It was pretty hard to do that when his mouth was dry. “My legs are asleep and you’re freezing, so I think it would be better this way…”
Atsushi didn’t verbally protest after that, but he certainly wasn’t relaxed anymore. Imai ignored this temporarily, going about the duty of getting them both underneath the coverlet. It was somewhat hard to do since Imai was sitting on part of it and he really didn’t want to let go of Atsushi out of fear he’d bolt. Since trying to fish it out from under his own ass was…well, a pain in the ass, Imai ended up grabbing the far end and flipping that up over them. That made it easier to wiggle the rest free from his weight and a quick shake had it falling the way it was supposed to-almost.
After that came the task laying down…and Imai had no fancy moves for that. So he simply lay down with his head on the pillow and most of Atsushi down on top of him. Atsushi of course tried to slide over to the side but Imai held him in place by wrapping both arms around his back. Atsushi stopped trying to move away, but it was like Imai was trying to hold onto a stiff board than a man.
Imai supposed he could feel offended by that, that he could call Atsushi out on it and demand they talk about everything now-about Atsushi’s reactions, about their fight the other night, about what they were both feeling-but he didn’t.
Instead he began to toy with the ends of Atsushi’s hair as he said, “Hmm…just imagine it-laying in a beautiful green park somewhere-maybe even back home in Gunma? A dark night where the warms breeze stirs the grass and perfumes the air with night flowers-I’m sure you know of some of those, huh?”
By this point Atsushi had calmed a bit and seemed to be listening. He certainly didn’t tell Imai to stop playing with his hair, so Imai pressed his advantage and started stroking his back again, very gently. Imai stared up at the dark ceiling as he continued, trying to see it for himself.
“And then you look up and, in this park you can see the stars. Millions and millions of them stretching on for eternity in all directions, burning so very brightly and fiercely-a fiery life up in the sky that will probably outlive each and every one of us and…well, isn’t that something? So in this far away sky there is just so much…and yet down in this park it just…just the two of us and-” Imai stumbled at this point, not sure where he was going with this…
So he jumped on another track. “I don’t know if I can remember any of the constellations… You’d know this better than me, Acchan.” No response from Atsushi. Imai hadn’t missed that, as he continued to talk, Atsushi had gradually relaxed until he was now a limp, warm weight against Imai. Even his hand, still resting on Imai’s chest, had loosened so that it lay in an empty curled fist somewhere between Imai’s neck and Atsushi’s cheek. His breathing was slow and steady with only the occasional hitch.
Imai had the impression that Atsushi wasn’t hearing much of what he was saying anymore, but he continued anyway. “There’s… Scorpius and… some sort of snake-Hydra? I don’t get these old Greek names… There’s that one called the North Star that’s part of…well, it’s part of a constellation that has a lot of names right? And there’s that hunter-and ah, Sagittarius, I remember hearing about that one…”
He continued to prattle on, trying to remember but sometimes just making things up. As he talked his hand began to move higher up Atsushi’s back, to his shoulder, until he was once against brushing back his hair. Atsushi didn’t even stir as Imai touched a tentative finger against his cheekbone. He was well asleep by this point; his mouth was even parted slightly in a rather cute, endearing way.
Imai closed his eyes as his heart gave a painful little lurch in his chest-it wasn’t a sorrowful feeling but it still hurt. It was a bit of longing perhaps…and maybe even some pleasure that Atsushi would trust him enough to fall asleep like this after everything… And there was also a trace of fear…that this was temporary and could disappear with the light of day…either by outside sources or because of Atsushi himself.
Imai immediately chastised himself. He shouldn’t worry about that now-this was one of those quiet moments one was supposed to enjoy without any reservations. It was to be just like the picture he’d been painting with his words-just the two of them together. Nothing more, nothing less.
And, somewhere up beyond his sight there was that sky he spoke of. “Ah, I remember another one,” he whispered to the man sleeping beside him. “Lyra. Could you imagine, playing a musical instrument from the sky?” Of course Atsushi didn’t respond to that; Imai didn’t expect him to. Imai gazed down at Atsushi’s sleeping face as he brushed a few more strands of hair behind the other man’s ear. “If anyone deserves to play it, it would be you,” he murmured without thinking.
His own sentimentality was enough make Imai blush. But that was all right, at least in such a moment.
Closing his eyes, Imai curled as best he could around the man in his arms before settling in for the night. He wasn’t sure if he’d be able to sleep or not, but he didn’t mind. He’d rather lay awake all night with Atsushi than sleep apart. Imai didn’t care how sappy that sounded-it was the truth.
And that, Imai felt, was what they needed to cling to right now. The truth.
"Good night, Acchan." He wanted to say the words that had gotten him into this position, but once that night was enough. Besides, although his lips didn't say it, his heart did. And that was all that mattered.
--I’ve heard about the “gift tables” at shows. But I doubt they go straight from the table and into the hands of the artists themselves. And, honestly, I’d forgotten about them as I started writing this. So…that’s why Atsushi says he never gets things at venues.
--Argh, it was haaaard to write all five of the band members! I’ve been so lazy with Toll, U-ta and Hide in this story. ><. Now that it’s time to draw them in... argh. It’s like one big personality spread among three people! ><. (Okay, maybe not? *hopehope*)
--The scene with Atsushi and the detective came out of nowhere. It’s not exactly the most realistic in the term of police procedures, but it’s there-it’s proof that Atsushi’s isn’t always a big crybaby...he can get bitchy too. XD
-- That end scene was a bastard to write…and I still don’t like it! I was tempted to stop what I was writing to rewrite it two times in the past few days, but then I’d stop and realize that I didn’t really know any other way to make it get to the endpoint I wanted…which didn’t come out anyway like it was in my head. BLEH. Closing this chapter was a pain the butt too... In fact I just edited it for the third time as I post it now...
-Lyra: http://www.dibonsmith.com/lyr_con.htm
I don't know about the constellation scene either. XD I got the idea of Imai spinning the story one night while I was...I don't remember what I was doing, but it seemed like a cute idea. XD I wanted to find one that meant "The Lovers" but that's tarot cards! >< Stupid brain. lol!
So I settled for the musical instrument that was used in a story about a lover going to hell and back for their beloved. XDD
--Total stats on this chapter: 15,800+ words, 35 pages in Word at size 12 font (single blank space between paragraphs)