[PG-13] Broken Heartbeats [EXO] (1/1)

[airplanewishes]

Title: Broken Heartbeats
Author: airplanewishes
Fandom: EXO
Characters: Sehun/Kai, Sehun/Luhan, some Baekhyun/Chanyeol
Genre: Friendship, Romance
Rating: PG-13
WC: 6,864
Summary: Meeting him was like drowning in the raging ocean. The waves of the twinkle in his eyes, his smile and his touch crashed into him, unforgiving, making his heart beat rapidly in his chest, skipping beats. It made him wonder if he would ever get out alive.

Warnings: (highlight) Implied character death, implications of suicide

A/N: This is my first time writing EXO so forgive me. :)



Broken Heartbeats

Meeting him was like drowning in the raging ocean. The waves of the twinkle in his eyes, his smile and his touch crashed into him, unforgiving, making his heart beat rapidly in his chest, skipping beats. It made him wonder if he would ever get out alive.

Soon enough, he just gave up and allowed himself to sink.  Because, no matter what he did, he couldn’t get out.

And so, he gave in, and fell.

#

“This is a bad idea.” Sehun eyed the seashore warily as the waves came in and out, barely touching his bare feet.

A hand heavily thumped his back. “Aww, c’mon, Sehunnie,” Jongin cheered him up. “Everything is going to be fine. The beach has never harmed anyone before.”

“Try telling that to the people who-,” Sehun cut himself off and glared at his best friend. “You know, why I didn’t want to come.” The features of his face hardened as his eyes became slightly watery.

Jongin sighed and put an arm around him, giving him a half-hug. He knew all too well the story behind his friend’s fear of the waters. But it was the very reason why he still brought him to one year in and out. He wanted him to overcome that crippling horror that he had of the ocean because it wasn’t always bad.

“I’m sorry,” Jongin apologized, pulling Sehun into a full hug. “That was insensitive of me.” He pulled away to meet his eyes. “I’m sorry,” he repeated. Sehun eventually nodded in understanding, his eyes on the sand. “How about we go back to our room? We can watch some movies and order room service.”

Sehun’s eyes lighted up, as it always did when food was mentioned. Jongin chuckled and kept his arm around him as they trudged back to the hotel.

#

There was a time when Sehun used to love the beach. He used to live by one long ago. He would always wake up early to meet the waves halfway to the shore. The laughter and joy that he had back then was something Jongin would never forget. His eyes lighted up as he met the shoreline, even brighter than they do when food was mentioned, and would widen gleefully whenever the cold water touched his feet. And when the water wasn’t too cold, he would run back to the house next to his and invite his friend to come out and play with him. Because Sehun knew that Jongin hated it when the water was too cold.

Sehun’s fear of the ocean, Jongin couldn’t help but think that it was partly his fault. But there wasn’t anything he could do. Things were out of his control. Still, every day that he saw Sehun’s heart cracking, he hoped there was something else he could do other than helping him try to overcome it. He wished he could actually make the pieces of his heart continue sticking together and fully heal.

Jongin leaned against a tree and watched as Sehun walked on the seashore, careful not to let the water touch his feet, lest he fall in love with it again.

#

“You’ll be okay?” Sehun asked Jongin, eyeing the sea distrustfully, as if it was threatening to harm his best friend.

Jongin gave him an inscrutable look. “Shouldn’t I be the one asking you that?” he replied. “Are you okay with me doing this? Coz I can just stay-.”

“No,” Sehun shook his head decisively. “We came here so you could surf, and not so you could babysit me further.”

“I do not babysit you,” Jongin argued, making a face at him. “I merely make sure that you’re okay and that you have everything that you need.” He closed his mouth and frowned. It did make him sound like a babysitter.

“Just go,” Sehun chuckled, pushing him towards the water. “I’ll stay here and watch.”

Jongin nodded and jogged towards the water. But before he could get his feet wet, he put his surfboard down and jogged back. He wrapped his arms around Sehun and hugged him tightly.

“You do know that people are staring at us right now,” Sehun murmured, internally pleased at the gesture, as he hugged his best friend back. “They probably think we’re dating or something.”

“I don’t care,” Jongin muttered as he pulled away and kissed him on the forehead. “I’ll see you later. Okay?” He stared at him intently. Sehun needed that reassurance and it was something he was always going to give him.

Sehun blinked a couple of times, as if something had gotten in his eye, before he nodded. “See you later.”

#

The sun was setting, beautifully illuminating the whole stretch of the beach in glows of orange, red and purple. Everyone was gathered around some bonfire, all with red paper cups filled with some form of alcohol. Music blasted through a big set of speakers and people danced and laughed and had fun.

Sehun found himself swaying to the music, his own red paper cup in hand. He watched as Jongin danced in the middle of the crowd, drawing looks from practically all who were there. Aside from surfing, dancing was what made Jongin stand out. Those were the reasons why he still allowed himself to be dragged to the beach; Jongin could do the two things he loved the most and shine. Who was he to get in the way of that? After everything that Jongin did and was doing for him, the least he could do is allow him to be happy.

He smiled as the music ended and Jongin made his way towards him.

“Hey,” Jongin greeted breathlessly, grabbing his drink and downing it. He made a face as he stared at the cup and threw it on the sand. “You’re drinking Coke?! At a party like this?”

“I don’t feel like drinking,” Sehun told him with a straight face. He practically laughed when Jongin looked exasperated. Turning towards the table beside him, he grabbed another red plastic cup and handed it to him. “This is your drink.”

Jongin drank it instantly.

“You guys having fun?”

Jongin and Sehun looked up. Sehun blinked, while Jongin grinned.

“Hey!!” Jongin exclaimed. He exchanged fist bumps with the newcomer. “We’re having a blast!” He turned to Sehun, when he nudged him. “Luhan, this is Sehun, my best friend. Sehunnie, this is Luhan. He surfed with me earlier today.”

Luhan was…Sehun wasn’t sure how he could describe him. But if he put it simply, he thought that he was beautiful. He was tall, slim, but fit. His golden blonde hair fell just right above his big and earnest eyes. It made him seem childlike. This quality was especially emphasized when he smiled.

“Nice to meet you,” Luhan greeted him with a handshake. “Jongin talks about you a lot.”

Sehun smiled. “It’s nice to meet you, too,” he responded.

Jongin, seeing that Sehun was comfortable enough with Luhan, left to get another drink.

“You don’t surf?” Luhan asked conversationally once Jongin had gone.

“Not really, no,” Sehun answered, almost uncomfortably. “I just come here with Jongin to watch him surf.”

“I understand why,” Luhan nodded. “The man’s a monster out there. Fearless, always going for the bigger waves.”

“Yeah,” Sehun agreed. “Fearless.” He bit his lip. He was never one to be comfortable with talking to strangers, but, somehow, he felt like it would be okay if he were comfortable with Luhan. “So you surf a lot?”

“I do,” Luhan confirmed, smiling at him. “But it’s the first time I’ve surfed here and I feel really bad about that.” He gave Sehun a look.

“Why is that?” Sehun asked, meeting his gaze.

Luhan merely smiled and shook his head. “So…” he continued, seeing Jongin making his way back to them. “You and Jongin really just best friends? People have been talking about your display of affection this morning. Seemed like there’s more there.”

Sehun’s eyes never left Luhan’s and he finally understood what his statement earlier meant. He blushed and Luhan chuckled. “No,” he assured him. “We really are just best friends.”

#

Jongin watched as Sehun made breakfast, or rather, he stared at him as he made breakfast. Sehun had a pink apron on and was whistling some happy tune. Sehun was never the happy-whistling-a-tune-while-making-breakfast type. Even when he was actually still really happy.

“What are you doing staring at me like that?” Sehun’s voice interrupted his confused reverie.

“What are you doing whistling so happily like that?” Jongin pushed himself off of the doorway and walked over to the stove, where pancakes where happily being cooked. He poked at the pancake, hoping to get a taste. “Is this for Luhan?” he teased.

Sehun slapped his hand away. “Yes, this is for Luhan,” he mumbled shyly. “We’re having this breakfast picnic.”

Jongin snickers. He then pinches a big part of the top pancake and runs to the door before Sehun could do anything about it. “Enjoy your date!!” he mocked.

“Hey, Jongin,” Sehun called.

Sehun called him so quietly that thought of him being scolded immediately dissipated. He swallowed the pancake piece that he pinched and walked back in the kitchen. “What is it? What’s wrong?” he asked worriedly.

“Just… I’m not doing anything wrong, right? Me spending time with Luhan isn’t some sort of betrayal to-,” Sehun started to say.

“No, it isn’t,” Jongin cut him off. He moved around the counter and put his hands on his arms. “No,” he repeated more firmly. “You’re not doing anything wrong and you’re not betraying him.” Sehun bowed his head and nodded. Jongin pulled him into a hug. “You deserve to be happy, Sehun. If it’s with Luhan, then be happy with him.”

“If something goes wrong, I’ll have you, right?” Sehun asked, pulling away to look at his face.

“Of course,” Jongin he assured him sincerely. “Of course.” He thumbed the tears that were starting to fall on his cheeks away. “C’mon, you’re going out on a date with Luhan,” he added teasingly, “you want to look pretty for him.”

Sehun frowned. “Hey, what makes you think I’m the girl in this relationship? Luhan is pretty enough to be a girl.”

“But you’re prettier,” Jongin told him with a wink.

Sehun threw a pancake at him.

Jongin ate it.

#

Sehun took Jongin’s words to heart. He wanted to be able to get over the niggling feeling that there was something incredibly wrong with him falling for Luhan. It had been almost two years since the incident and he figured it was time for him to push forward and take things between him and Luhan to the next level.

They had been going out, eating out, meeting their friends, and watching movies. He really enjoyed it. He really enjoyed being out with Luhan. He made him feel safe and warm and happy. Happiness was the most important thing. Some people thought it was selfish to have happiness as the reason for being with someone. But that was his reason, because Luhan made him happy.

He liked how Luhan would always find ways to touch him, whether it was holding his hand, or hugging him, or just having their elbows touch. The sense of touch gave him a sense of security of being wanted and needed. It’s been a long time since he felt anyone needed him the way Luhan did.

“What are you thinking about?” Luhan asked, poking his cheek.

“Stuff,” Sehun vaguely answered, his cheeks pinking.

Luhan chuckled. “Why are you so cute?” He leaned towards him and kissed his cheek. His chuckle turned into laughter when Sehun buried his face under a pillow.

They were in Luhan’s apartment, watching DVDs in his room. It was their eighth date in one month since they’d met, and Luhan thought it was time for Sehun to step into his apartment.

“What do you think of when you think about the future?” Sehun asked, turning on the bed to look at him.

Luhan looked at him then slowly smiled. “I don’t think of the future,” he answered simply.

“Why not?” Sehun asked, surprised at his answer, and slightly disappointed.

“Because,” Luhan shrugged, “What’s important to me is now, the present. I want to be here and enjoy what I have. Instead of wondering what would happen, I do my best to make the things I want happen right now.” He scooted closer to him. “Like you, like us, I make sure that this,” he leaned towards him and gave him a kiss, “happens more often.”

Sehun blushed, disappointment forgotten. He’d only known Luhan for a month, but he already knew… Luhan was the one he wanted for keeps.

#

Weeks passed and Sehun and Luhan only got closer and closer. They spent most of their waking moment together, with Luhan wooing Sehun, and Sehun, allowing himself to be wooed by what seemed like was the man of his dreams. Jongin smiled at the sight, albeit a bit bitterly.

“That Sehun’s boyfriend?” Chanyeol, one of their friends, nodded towards where Sehun and Luhan were flirting.

“Hey,” Jongin wryly greeted him back. He turned his attention back to the couple. “Yeah, for almost three months now. Why?”

Chanyeol shrugged. “Baekhyun goes to uni with him. Didn’t peg him for a nice guy.”

This got Jongin’s attention. “What do you mean?” he asked interestedly.

“That is Lu Han, right?” Chanyeol wanted to make sure.

Jongin nodded. “Met him at the beach.”

“Yeah… Baekhyun used to go out with him a couple of years ago.” Chanyeol shared. “I met Baekhyun a couple of months after they broke up and, well, if you’d met him then, you wouldn’t recognize him.”

“What do you mean?” Jongin pressed, concerned.

Chanyeol now hesitated. “Just… he was broken. Because of Luhan.”

Jongin turned around to face the couple, just as Luhan leaned in to kiss Sehun.

#

“How long are you going to be gone for, a month?” Jongin teased as he walked into Sehun’s room, where Sehun was packing. He sat down on the edge of the bed and watched as Sehun mentally debated bringing along rainbow polka dotted sweater. He decided to bring him out of his misery, grabbed the sweater and threw it back into the closet.

“Just the weekend,” Sehun rolled his eyes at him.

“Well you look like you’re packing for longer than that,” Jongin watched Sehun’s reaction carefully. His best friend blushed. “What’s the deal with you and Luhan anyway?”

“What do you mean?” Sehun looked up at him, confused. “You know we’re dating.”

“Yeah, but how serious is it?” Jongin wanted to know.

“I don’t really know,” Sehun responded slowly, almost like he didn’t want to answer.

Jongin stretched out on his bed, his hands on the back of his head. “Like, is it ‘just fun for now’, or is it ‘he’s hot and he’s great in bed’ or is it ‘I love him forever’ kind of thing,” he enumerated. Sehun’s head looked like it was going to explode with how red he looked. He muttered some words that Jongin couldn’t make out. He sat up on the bed to hear better. “What did you say?”

“I said,” Sehun sighed. “All of the above.”

Jongin frowned confusedly. “How can ‘just fun for now’ and ‘I love him forever’ both be what you want? They’re two different things and-.” His widened and he shot his best friend a look. “You two did it already?!”

Sehun sat down on the bed, breaking into terrible fits of cough that Jongin had to sit him down and fetch him a glass of water. After downing the whole glass in one gulp, Sehun took a deep breath as Jongin apologized.

“There are some things you’re not supposed to tell anyone, even your best friend,” Sehun started to say and Jongin pouted. He chuckled and put an arm around him. “But,” he began again, “since it is you, Jongin, I’ll tell you.”

“I’d really rather you didn’t anymore,” Jongin replied, shaking his head. “I don’t want the image of you and Luhan…”

“We haven’t slept together.”

“…shacking up exploding my brains out.” Jongin sat up straight, Sehun’s arm falling to the bed. “Wait what? You didn’t sleep with him?” Sehun shook his head and smiled. Jongin looked suddenly apprehensive. “Why not?”

“Certain things are worth the wait, I think,” Sehun explained.

Jongin was quiet for a bit, making Sehun uncomfortable. Before he could do something about the weird silence, Jongin spoke again.

“What thing exactly? Sex with Luhan or sex in general?” he clarified.

Sehun slapped his arm, hard. “You always ruin things, always making fun.” He pouted and Jongin couldn’t help but hug him and laugh. “I’m kidding.” He then paused and frowned again. “But you’re staying the weekend with him.”

“Yeah. So?” Sehun had stood up and resumed packing again.

“Well… er, that’s going to be… tempting?” Jongin couldn’t decide how best to say it.

“Sometimes I think you’re really much younger than I am,” Sehun told him in amusement.

“No comment,” Jongin retorted, making a face at him.

“Luhan understands that I’m not ready yet,” Sehun explained with an adoring smile. “He’s very sweet like that.”

Jongin rolled his eyes and rolled off the bed, shuddering. “I’ve heard enough sickening sweetness for one day,” he announced as he left Sehun laughing in his room.

#

“You didn’t tell him, didn’t you,” Chanyeol stated as Jongin sat down. Jongin turned to him. “You have that look on your face that says you didn’t.”

“Actually, the look I’m wearing right now is Sehun-is-happy-and-it’s-none-of-my-business,” Jongin corrected him dryly. He leaned back on the bench and sighed. “Just how exactly do you tell something like that to someone?”

Chanyeol shrugged. “He’s your friend. You should know best how to tell him such things.”

Jongin twitched in his seat. It’s as if there was a sudden debate going on in his head and was mentally beating himself up for it. Chanyeol gave him a weird look.

“How…what exactly did Luhan do? To Baekhyun, I mean,” Jongin inquired, tilting his head curiously towards his tall friend.

“I never really asked,” Chanyeol admitted, staring at his hands. He looked up to meet Jongin’s eyes. “But, really, I didn’t have to. Baekhyun cried for weeks and practically didn’t know how to function. I couldn’t really just break his crying spree and ask what happened. It’s obvious.” He growled in frustration. “I really wanted to do something to that guy. I looked for him and really wanted to…” he trailed away and shook his head. “It wasn’t worth it.” He smirked. “You’d think he was an angel or something with his pretty face and innocent smiles.”

“See, that’s where I’m confused,” Jongin brought up. “He does seem like an angel. I mean, Sehun positively glows whenever they’re together and when he talks about him. And I’ve met Luhan. We hang out sometimes, too. He seems like a solid guy.” Chanyeol shrugged. “Maybe he’s changed,” Jongin suggested.

“Maybe,” Chanyeol conceded, not wanting to argue. “I just thought you should know all the facts.” He paused. “Maybe your friend should, too.”

Jongin rubbed a hand on his forehead in frustration. “Again, how do you tell something like that to someone?”

“You know him better than anyone,” Chanyeol encouraged him. “You’re the best person to answer that.”

#

The first time Sehun came to him crying, Jongin panicked. It wasn’t that it was the first time he saw Sehun cry; It was the first time he saw Sehun crying like it was the end of the world. Jongin practically threw the table over in his haste to get up and calm him down as soon as he came through the door.

“What happened?” Jongin painfully asked, his arms around his best friend.

It took Sehun a while to answer, his sobs successfully eating his words. Jongin’s shirt was getting really soaked, but he didn’t care. Not when Sehun was like this. Not when Sehun had become something he had never been in the past.

“Lu-Luhan and I f-fought,” Sehun hiccupped, pulling away to wipe at his face with the sleeves of his shirt. Jongin grabbed the face towel he had secured earlier and handed it to him.

“Ookay,” Jongin slowly replied. “But… isn’t that normal? I mean couples fight.”

“He-he said some things that really hurt and-and he’s never been that a-angry with me before,” Sehun managed to get out, fresh tears leaking from his eyes.

Jongin was quiet for a second. “How angry?” he asked. He searched Sehun’s eyes. “He didn’t hurt you, did he?”

Sehun’s eyes widened a bit and shook his head. “No, nothing like that.”

Jongin sighed. “Come here.” He gathered him into his arms and Sehun curled onto him on the sofa.

They were quiet for a long time; Jongin’s arms around him, one of his hands playing with Sehun’s hair, and Sehun, his arms around Jongin’s waist, eyes closed. It was a mark of how close they were that they found comfort in each other through anything. They always knew the right things to say and the right things to do to calm the other down. It was all very calming for both of them.

“What did you guys fight about?” Jongin suddenly asked, breaking the silence and rousing Sehun, who was halfway to dreamland. Sehun mumbled. “What?” he straightened up and woke Sehun up completely.

Sehun rubbed his eye and yawned. “I didn’t want to sleep with him and he got mad,” he explained sleepily.

Jongin stared. “You’re not serious.” Sehun bit his lip. “But I thought he was understanding about the whole thing?” he demanded. “What’s changed now?”

Sehun blinked. Jongin narrowed his eyes at his best friend.

“There’s something you’re not telling me,” Jongin accused him.

“I…” Sehun hesitated, his cheeks pinking. “We… we already slept together.” He cleared his throat and looked everywhere except at his best friend’s wide eyes.

“I thought you wanted to wait,” Jongin blurted out.

“I did,” Sehun confirmed.

“What happened to waiting then?” Jongin questioned.

“He… we just decided to do it,” Sehun unhelpfully shared.

Jongin stood up from the couch and faced him. “He or we, which one is it? Oh Sehun,” he pressed when there was no answer.

“He wanted to do it and I agreed,” Sehun admitted. “There’s nothing wrong with that. I wanted to.”

“So what’s different about this time?” Jongin then inquired. “Why are you turning him down now?”

“Because I didn’t want to do it,” Sehun shrugged nonchalantly, almost too nonchalantly for Jongin’s liking. He stood up as well. “Can we drop this? I’m really tired.” He started to move towards his room.

“How many times has it happened? How many times have you done it?” Jongin demanded forcefully that Sehun stopped moving.

“Once,” Sehun answered in a breath, slowly meeting Jongin’s eyes.

“And how many times have you turned him down after that?” Jongin followed up, his hard eyes boring into Sehun’s. He rephrased the question, “How many times have you fought about this issue?”

“Too many to count,” Sehun muttered, his eyes on the floor.

#

Jongin clenched and unclenched his fists as he eyed Luhan outside of his university. Sehun had specifically instructed him (like a dog) not to do anything to harm Luhan. But he was his best friend and he was a guy who constantly wanted an excuse to hit someone so he decided to ignore his plea. Lu Han was going to have to pay for the way he’d been treating the most important person in his life.

Just as he took a step forward to charge towards the target, a hand tightly clamped on his arm.

“That’s not going to help,” Baekhyun quietly said like it was a fact.

“Oh I think it will,” Jongin snarled, snatching his arm away from Baekhyun’s grasp. “Bashing his face in is certainly going to help.”

“It’s not going to make what he did or what he’s doing go away,” Baekhyun hurriedly told him before he started charging again. “If anything, it’ll just make Luhan feel a sense of satisfaction that he’s ruffled some feathers. Yet again.”

“Well, he friggin’ ruffled more than feathers this time,” Jongin wanted to scream in anger. “He’s messing with Sehun and Sehun’s… he’s Sehun. He’s nice and sweet and he’ll give in to whatever he thinks makes people happy and he won’t say anything if it hurts him. Sure, he’ll fight and he’ll cry, but in the end, he’ll still give in because that’s how he is and I won’t have anyone exploiting him the way Luhan is doing. I WON’T.”

“Then it’s best if you just get Sehun away from him,” Baekhyun advised. “Because hurting Luhan is just going to make Sehun angry with you.” Jongin sharply looked at him and Baekhyun looked away. “It’s an effect Luhan has. He makes you look at him and only him.”

“Sehun won’t listen to me,” Jongin muttered dejectedly.

When Jongin had suggested the idea of Sehun leaving Luhan, Sehun got into a fit about it and didn’t speak to him for two days. It was the longest they hadn’t spoken to each other because, even when they didn’t see each other all the time, they always found time to talk on the phone in the evenings. It was a habit they had, and just because of Luhan…

“Just keep trying,” Baekhyun insisted. Sehun was a friend to him, too. But, even if he wasn’t, he didn’t want anyone else, especially anyone he knew, to go through what he did.

“If I do, I’ll lose Sehun,” Jongin murmured.

“If you don’t-,” Baekhyun pressed.

“I’ll lose him, too,” Jongin finished, looking torn.

“You’ll just have to decide. Which one would be easier for you to live with?” Baekhyun asked.

#

Jongin reached for Sehun’s arm, missing it and tugging on his sleeve of his shirt instead. Sehun stopped and turned around, facing his best friend.

“What?” Sehun tiredly asked, putting his bag down.

“Don’t go with him,” Jongin entreated.

“Jongin, we’ve gone over this-,” Sehun sighed.

“I know,” Jongin immediately said, not meaning to interrupt him. “But you have to understand what my reasons are. You have to know that I’m just thinking of you.”

“And I’m telling you that I appreciate that you are,” Sehun stated. “But this is my decision to make.”

“He hurts you, Sehun,” Jongin reminded him, his face hardening at the thought. “He forces you to do things you don’t want to do. Why is that something you would choose?”

“I love him,” Sehun stiffly replied. “I love him. Do you know how afraid I was that I’d never feel like this again? That I’d never find anyone after…” He cleared his throat. “Luhan makes me happy. Sure, we fight now and then, but what couple doesn’t? Every relationship is going to have its ups and downs.”

“You don’t know him that well,” Jongin weakly reminded him.

“I know him well enough,” Sehun firmly said. “Whatever happened to him and Baekhyun, it’s all in the past. He’s changed. He would never hurt me like he had hurt Baekhyun, which he’s very sorry for. He still regrets it to this day.”

“Doesn’t look like it,” Jongin muttered.

Sehun shook his head. “You’ll never understand and you’ll never really make an effort to like him and accept him more than you do now,” he realized. “Even if it’s for me.” He picked up his bag.

“You know I’d do anything for you, Sehun,” Jongin interjected rather harshly, hurt at such an accusation. “Just not this time. Not with Luhan.”

“Well then, I guess this is how it’s going to be,” Sehun turned around to leave.

Jongin stared at his back in shock. “You’re going to choose him over me? Sehun-.”

“No, Jongin,” Sehun retorted, looking back. “You chose yourself and your blind reasoning over me.”

“I would never-,” Jongin began.

“I’ll see you after the weekend,” Sehun spat. “Hopefully I’ll have my best friend back by then.”

#

Baekhyun glanced behind him and sighed, turning his attention back to Chanyeol, who was busy playing video games. Gently, he poked his boyfriend, whose tongue was out due to concentration.

“What?” Chanyeol distractedly asked.

“We should do something about Jongin,” Baekhyun quietly suggested, glancing behind him again, where Jongin was sprawled on the floor, staring at the ceiling.

“I don’t really want to involve ourselves further in their problems,” Chanyeol said, making a face when he received a slap on his arm. “I’m just-.”

“Will you pause your game and talk to me properly?” Baekhyun demanded. Chanyeol obediently paused his game and sat back on the couch with him. “Look at him,” he said.

Chanyeol got up from the couch, sighing as he squatted down beside Jongin. “Jongin,” he nudged him none too gently. “You have to get up from there.”

“Why won’t he listen to me? Why won’t he believe that I mean well?” Jongin sat up and looked at each of his friends. “Doesn’t he know me better? Doesn’t he know me by now? Doesn’t he know that I’m always just looking out for him?” he rambled. “We’ve been friends for practically 20 years and yet he chose to believe some guy he’d just met.”

“You’re really not going to get any answers, you know,” Chanyeol told him sympathetically. “But, he’ll be back tomorrow so maybe you guys can talk then and sort things out.”

“I dunno,” Jongin uncertainly said, shaking his head. “This feels like the end between us.”

Baekhyun straightened up with a start. “But you can’t just-what about Sehun?”

“What about him?” Jongin sneered. “He thinks he can live without me? Well two can play that game.”

Baekhyun frowned. He met Chanyeol’s eyes, which told him he was thinking the same thing as he was. Jongin was far too invested in Sehun, even more than he probably knew, to just let him go like that.

The phone ringing distracted both Chanyeol and Baekhyun from saying anything else. Chanyeol got up to answer it on the other side of the room.

“Jongin,” Chanyeol called, looking a bit confused. “It’s for you.”

“I’m not here,” Jongin announced.

“Can I take a message?” Chanyeol asked the caller. Baekhyun stood up as his boyfriend’s eyes widened in some sort of panic. “Okay, we’ll be there.” Chanyeol just stood there for a second after he put the phone down, staring at Baekhyun. “Something’s wrong,” he told him. Then he rushed to Jongin and picked him up. “We have to go.”

“Where?” Jongin grumbled, hating being handled so carelessly.

“To the beach.”

#

Jongin swung the door open and ran as soon as the car stopped. It didn’t matter that he actually lost one of his shoes along the way. It didn’t matter than he bumped into people, hurting them and himself in the process. Sehun needed him and he was going to come through for him.

As he reached the beach, he looked around frantically. Chanyeol and Baekhyun caught up with him, both breathing heavily.

“Can we just take a breath-,” Chanyeol began before Jongin sprinted off to the right. “Okay,” he nodded. “We’ll catch up with you.” He waved at him.

There was a small crowd gathered by the end of the beach, where the rocks were sharper and the waves were stronger. Jongin saw Sehun sitting by the edge, his head in his arms. He ran and did an impressive slide towards him.

“Sehun,” Jongin gasped, “are you okay? Are you okay?” Sehun lifted his head and launched himself at him, sobbing fresh tears. “Are you hurt?” Jongin urgently asked, pulling away to get a good look at him.

Sehun shook his head. “It’s… it’s Luhan,” he cried. “He… we were swimming… we had a boat and we were swimming…” He broke out into sobs.

“What happened?” Jongin asked, shaking him a bit. There was a certain fear starting to creep up on him.

“We couldn’t… we tried to…” Sehun tried to speak.

“Sehun, calm down,” Jongin pacified him, pushing his hair away from his face and caressing his cheek. “Please.”

“What happened?” Baekhyun asked as soon as he and Chanyeol arrived. “Are you okay, Sehun?”

“Luhan’s missing,” Sehun blurted out brokenly.

Jongin tightened his hold on him as Sehun clung onto him as if for dear life.

#

Jongin stared at the water. He couldn’t help but feel betrayed by it. And he couldn’t help but feel like he betrayed Sehun, too.

Two years ago, it wasn’t just Sehun and Jongin. Two years ago, there was also Kyungsoo.

They met Kyungsoo in middle school. He was awkward and wide-eyed, which Jongin thought was weird and a bit scary. As it turned out, he wasn’t really very awkward once you got to know him. But he was still wide-eyed, like he was constantly upset or amazed or curious. Jongin couldn’t really figure out which of those was true most of the time.

The truth was Jongin really met him first, thought he was funny and pointed him out to Sehun. Sehun wanted to meet him and so he orchestrated a meeting after school and thought that it would be the end of it.

It became a lifelong friendship for Jongin and a lifelong love for Sehun.

A year into the meeting, Kyungsoo confessed to Sehun and the rest was history. Jongin smiled as he remembered how he would pretend to be grossed out as the two brandished their PDA at him. It was interesting how the dynamics of their friendship never changed. He had worried that he might be left out once the two started going out, but Sehun and Kyungsoo made sure that that never happened. They were constantly together, inseparable, the three musketeers. They were always getting into scrapes and mischief together.

Jongin chuckled. Those were the days.

And then it happened.

He wanted to go to the swimming. They were going to go to the school swimming pool when he had the marvelous idea of going to the beach instead. It was the weekend and he thought they deserved to go on a trip since they work so hard in their studies. Being good sports (and he was sure they were excited, too), Sehun and Kyungsoo agreed.

Nothing could have prepared him or anyone for what happened.

There were a lot of people going cliff diving and he desperately wanted to try it, but only if Sehun and Kyungsoo would as well.

The three of them jumped at the same time, yelling happily at the top of their lungs.

“Kyungsoo,” Jongin murmured, tracing his name on the sand.

The guilt had always been with him, even when Sehun assured him that it wasn’t his fault, that they’d all wanted to go to the beach. But Jongin didn’t buy it. It was his fault. It really was. It was through him that Sehun met Kyungsoo and if it wasn’t for him and his brainlessness…

Now, it’s his fault again. He let Sehun meet Luhan. He never even stopped to think who Luhan actually was. At least Kyungsoo was normal even if he was weird and wide-eyed. Luhan, meanwhile… He shook his head. He couldn’t believe that he fell for that innocent, angelic face. He closed his eyes and tried to calm himself down.

When Jongin opened his eyes again, he stepped back from the waves, not allowing it to touch his feet.

The sea had hurt his best friend too many times.

#

“You’re going to have to get out of bed some time.” Jongin sighed as Sehun remained lifeless, his back facing him. “Sehun, c’mon. I’ll take you out to lunch. It’s a beautiful day outside. We can walk around later or get some ice cream or go to the movies. We’ll do whatever you want to do.”

“I want to stay in bed,” Sehun finally responded. “That’s what I want to do.”

“Sehunnie,” Jongin whined, shaking his friend without mercy. Sehun sat up and pushed Jongin off the bed. “Hey!” he complained. “That hurt!” Rubbing his backside, he stood up, a grumpy look on his face.

“I hate you, you know that,” Sehun grumbled as he decided to give in.

Jongin grinned happily. “We’re meeting Baekhyun and Chanyeol. What do you want to eat? Any preferences?”

“Up to you,” Sehun merely shrugged.

Finally outside, Jongin was bursting with energy. He had an arm around Sehun’s waist because he wanted to make sure that he was walking and that he was okay. Sehun didn’t really mind. Jongin’s arm around him gave him comfort. Meanwhile, Baekhyun and Chanyeol walked around, holding hands. They chattered happily about food and treats.

Baekhyun suddenly pulled Chanyeol towards one shop selling a lot of cutesy junk. Jongin and Sehun obediently followed. As they were going in, a couple went out, bumping onto Chanyeol and making Jongin and Sehun step aside. Chanyeol recognized the other half of the couple.

“Yixing!” Chanyeol greeted, making the couple stop walking. “How are you?”

“Hey!” Yixing looked truly pleased to bump into him.

“This is Baekhyun, my boyfriend, and this is Jongin and Sehun,” Chanyeol happily introduced them. “He’s an exchange student from China.” He turned to Yixing again. “I thought you went home already.”

“Not quite,” Yixing shook his head. “I’m staying.” He nodded sideways towards his boyfriend, who was wearing a hoodie and seemed very anti-social.

Sehun stared at his shoes, not really wanting to take part in any form of human interaction. It was then that he’d noticed the shoes of Yixing’s boyfriend, because he kept shifting in his stance, as if uncomfortable. He looked up and tried to look at his face. There was something about him that was familiar.

“This is Luhan, my boyfriend.” Yixing pulled down the hood of his boyfriend’s sweater.

There was silence as four pairs of eyes widened. Luhan had drowned. They looked for him for two days and no one found his body. It was a common incidence in that part of the beach and they just declared him dead. He was dead. He should be.

No one moved.

Jongin threw the first punch.

#

Sehun was inconsolable.

No one really knew how to calm him down. What do you say to someone whose boyfriend just died only to find out that he wasn’t really dead?

There wasn’t really anything they could say.

Jongin leaned against the wall, eyes closed. He couldn’t bear to see Sehun so broken. Listening was painful enough. Someone touched his hand and he flinched. Opening his eyes, he saw Baekhyun with bandages and some medicine. His knuckles were bruised pretty badly, but not as badly as Luhan’s face.

“Bastard,” Jongin lowly growled.

“Calm down,” Chanyeol urged him seriously, putting a hand on his shoulder. “You’ve done enough damage.”

“Me? I haven’t-,” Jongin began to argue.

“Really, Jongin,” Chanyeol insisted, pushing him back. He gestured towards Sehun, who was on the floor.

Once his hands were bandaged, Jongin sat down beside Sehun and touched his face with his bandaged hands. Sehun saw them and cried even more.

“I’m so sorry, Jongin,” Sehun said, kissing his bandages. “I’m sorry.”

“Hey,” Jongin shook his head, “this isn’t your fault. None of this is.” He cupped his face as best he could manage. Sehun looked back at him through red and teary eyes. “Listen to me. This isn’t your fault. This will pass and everything will be okay.”

“I don’t know, Jongin,” Sehun softly interjected. “This is different. This pain is different.”

“How is it different from Kyungsoo? Luhan’s dead to us. He’s dead,” Jongin callously declared.

“Because Luhan isn’t really dead!” Sehun cried. “He’s alive and walking and going out on dates with his boyfriend. He’s not dead. And that just hurts more.”

“But… at least he’s alive,” Jongin was now confused.

“He pretended to die because he wanted to leave me,” Sehun cleared things up for him. “Do you know how that feels? Do you?”

Jongin pulled him into a hug, much, much tighter than the ones he’d given to him in all the years of their friendship.

It was going to be another agonizing journey, but one he was willing to make with him. He’d gone through it before and he would go through it again in a heartbeat.

He just wished he were strong enough. There was only so much a heart could take.

#

Losing him was like drowning in the raging ocean. The waves of the twinkle in his eyes, his smile and his touch crashed away from him, unforgiving, making his heart beat rapidly in his chest, skipping beats. It made him wonder if he would ever get out alive.

Soon enough, he knew he was going to give up and allow himself to sink. Because, no matter what he did, he wouldn’t be able to get out.

Because, really, how does one swim to the surface when you’re already in so deep?

And so, he gave in, and fell.