walking between the raindrops [Baekhyun/Chanyeol] (1/2)
walking between the raindrops
EXO | Baekhyun/Chanyeol | PG-13 | 6,701w
Angst, AU, Established relationship
When you love someone, you just really want what's best for them. Even if that means not being together.
walking between the raindrops
Baekhyun doesn't really remember how it began, doesn't remember much of the intricacies that brought him to the current decision he's about to make. All he knows that when he looks at Chanyeol, though still as handsome as ever like when they first met, still pretty much the same as before, he feels different. Because they're not the same anymore.
Baekhyun carefully wipes the kitchen counter with a white cloth that has a hole, burnt through when Chanyeol had used it to put a fire out, caused by his attempt to make Baekhyun some soup. It reminds him of how he'd just laughed through the whole thing because Chanyeol looked so sorry, so mortified that Baekhyun couldn't find it in him to get upset anymore. He remembers walking up to Chanyeol and wrapping his arms around his waist, because Chanyeol had been making him soup after all. Chanyeol had then bent his head and had kissed him. Things escalated shortly after that.
Baekhyun stops wiping the counter and cleaning up the kitchen. He leaves that part of the apartment because there are too many things that had happened there, and it's not helping Baekhyun not feel worse with what he's about to do. He decides to go to the bedroom to finish packing his things, make sure that he has enough in his bag to last him until he finds a new apartment. But one bag should do, should be enough to bring with him for when he stays with Junmyeon for a while.
He's cleaned up the room, the sheets washed and pressed to a pristine white, the pillows fluffed, the tables dusted off. Their closet is still full, mostly with Chanyeol's clothes and Baekhyun's made sure that everything's hanged and folded neatly. He's even arranged Chanyeol's clothes to according how and when he would need to use it for the week. His culinary classes always had different uniforms for each day, some requiring a different apron. He reaches for one of the uniforms and traces delicate fingers on them. Chanyeol always had been proud of being a chef-in-training, coming to master moving around the kitchen, his clumsiness slowly becoming a non-liability. Baekhyun smiles because he knows Chanyeol is going to make it and that he's going to be great.
When he closes the closet, he picks up his bag and goes through one last sweep of the room. A lot of his fondest memories with Chanyeol were made there, those he refuses to revisit.
Once he's closed the bedroom door behind him, it's when he hears the apartment door open, familiar keys being placed on the counter and Chanyeol's heavy footsteps on their wooden floor. He holds his breath when Chanyeol sees him. There's a big grin on his face, one of Baekhyun's favorite smiles on him. He watches as it slowly falls, the curls of the tips of his lips curving downward when he finally sees Baekhyun all dressed up, his one travel bag full of clothes in his hand. Chanyeol doesn't say anything for a while, merely looking up and searching Baekhyun's face, maybe for a sign of mirth or teasing because Baekhyun's always been a trickster. But Baekhyun merely holds his gaze because this time he's not joking anymore.
"Baek?" And there's this tone in Chanyeol's voice that's desperate and pleading. It makes Baekhyun's chest tighten and constrict but he ignores it.
"I'm leaving, Chanyeol," Baekhyun firmly says, his hold on his bag tightening. Chanyeol frowns in confusion. "I'm leaving you," he rephrases with emphasis because he thinks Chanyeol doesn't understand.
Chanyeol is speechless for a second and Baekhyun forces himself to believe that this isn't a surprise, shouldn't be something that's surprising to Chanyeol. It's been inevitable. They'd been anything but happy the past couple of months. Baekhyun refuses to believe that he's the only one who saw this coming. They'd barely been speaking. Chanyeol was always coming home late, while Baekhyun always leaves early for his job. They barely even saw each other anymore. Baekhyun thinks he's seen Chanyeol's best friend, Jongin, more than he's seen Chanyeol the past couple of months just because Jongin's his officemate.
Chanyeol blinks and realization forms on his face. Baekhyun knows that Chanyeol's remembering their fights the past month, almost daily, and in increasing heat. They fought about the smallest of things, about who should've paid for the bills, about who should've washed the dishes, about Chanyeol leaving the stuff he's used in cooking all over the kitchen, about the scraps of cloth that Baekhyun's had lying around the apartment, about how Baekhyun's spending more and more time at work and how Chanyeol's hanging out with Lu Han more. Each fight seemed like it was the end of the world, no room for any understanding or compromise. They fought about everything as if it was the only way they could talk to each other anymore.
"I paid everything for the month, the rent, bills, so you don’t have worry about anything," Baekhyun tells him because he's pretty sure that Chanyeol will forget. "I've cleaned everything up. I picked up your laundry. Oh," he starts, remembering something, "the leak in the kitchen sink will need to be fixed. The plumber's coming tomorrow. Don’t forget to spare some money." He hesitates because Chanyeol's not moving, not saying anything. "My keys are on the counter." He shifts his bag to the other hand. "I should go."
Chanyeol doesn't stop him when he turns and walks towards the door. Baekhyun ignores how this makes him feel. He ignores how it makes something in his chest deflate painfully. He clutches his bag because it allows him to shove back down the urge to turn around and do... Baekhyun isn't really sure what.
He's just finished putting his shoes on when warm arms wrap around his waist and an equally warm chest presses against his back. Baekhyun closes his eyes because Chanyeol is resting his forehead on his right shoulder and he can feel his shirt slowly getting soaked because Chanyeol is crying. There are very few times that Chanyeol’s allowed himself to break down and cry, because Chanyeol is strong and is always smiling. He rarely lets anything get to him. But now he is crying, because of Baekhyun.
“Chanyeol,” Baekhyun starts to speak but Chanyeol shakes his head, holding him tighter.
“Please don’t leave me,” Chanyeol begs. His mouth is on Baekhyun’s collarbone, tears tracing down Chanyeol’s face and to the skin under the collar of Baekhyun’s shirt. “I promise I’ll be better. I promise I won’t ignore you anymore. I promise I’ll-“
Baekhyun immediately untangles himself from Chanyeol’s arms and takes three steps away from him. He turns around hesitantly, his hand on the doorknob, because he knows his heart is going to break when he sees Chanyeol’s face wet with tears. It does break, cracking slowly at the edges, chips slowly falling down. Chanyeol’s eyes are glistening, red-rimmed, his cheeks flushed and damp, and his hair plastered to his forehead. Baekhyun braces himself for what he’s about to say because it’s just going to make things worse.
“I can’t,” Baekhyun whispers, taking another step back. “I can’t,” he repeats for good measure as if he’s trying hard to convince more than just one person. He really can’t because it’s been months and months of working hard by himself just to make this relationship work. It’s been too many weeks of going to bed by himself and waking up to Chanyeol still knocked out. It’s been an incredible amount of days that something’s come up at work, something that he knows Chanyeol would love hearing about, but he doesn’t call him because Chanyeol doesn’t like being disturbed during the day because he’s either in class or at his internship. Baekhyun’s just felt so alone for so long that he doesn’t really think he can do it anymore. He’s just tired. He wants to let go.
Chanyeol takes another step forward and Baekhyun steps back, his back hitting the door. Chanyeol’s sobbing now, the tears dripping down his chin and jaw. Baekhyun looks away because he’s never seen Chanyeol like this, never seen him so broken, and he can’t bear the fact that he’s the one who’s made him this way. He twists the doorknob and opens the door.
“Baekhyun, please,” Chanyeol entreats. He falls to his knees, hands flat on the wooden floor. “Please, Baekhyun,” he repeats. “Please don’t leave me.”
Baekhyun closes his eyes tightly and tries to impair his hearing by covering his ears with his hands once he’s closed the door shut behind him. Chanyeol’s cries seep through the cracks of the door and Baekhyun has to slide down to the ground and bury his face on his raised knees to block them out.
He stays there for a while longer than he should, but he waits because he wants to hear Chanyeol stop crying, wants to hear him get off the floor and start moving again because, as much as he wants to break up with Chanyeol, wants to start forgetting the years they’d spent their lives side by side together, he doesn’t want to destroy Chanyeol.
When everything’s quieted down, Baekhyun slowly gets up, wipes his own tears with his sleeve, picks up his bag and walks away.
-
Whoever said that being the one to initiate the break up has it easier was obviously lying, Baekhyun thinks as he leans back on his seat and closes his eyes. It’s been difficult for him, too. Because things have changed so quickly that he’s just trying to grab onto something to make sure he doesn’t fall and scrape himself.
He sighs as he kneads his forehead. He’s been working on an article about the pros and cons of drinking coffee while he’s been on his third cup of the morning. At this rate that he’s drinking them he’s definitely going to get some form of heart disease. He hasn’t been sleeping well, although that can’t be fully attributed to his coffee drinking.
“Hey.” There’s a warm hand on his shoulder. Baekhyun’s eyes flutter open and he turns and smiles at Jongin, who’s perched on his desk. “You don’t look so well,” Jongin continues.
This is something that Jongin has told him everyday ever since he found out a day later about what had happened. He’s still quite surprised at the fact that Jongin hasn’t shunned him, hasn’t thrown him one of those obligatory evil looks because he’s just broken his best friend’s heart. In fact, Jongin’s been pretty nice to him, always asking him how he’s doing.
“I’m fine,” is Baekhyun’s standard answer. “This article is just giving me a headache.”
“I think this is giving you a headache,” Jongin lifts up his cup of coffee and chucks it in the trash bin. “You should stop drinking so much of it. Chanyeol told me that-“ Jongin cuts himself off and coughs.
Baekhyun pretends not to have heard and takes his phone out, shuffling through his phonebook in an attempt to be busy with something. He’s in the middle of his D contacts when his phone rings, startling him. He’s even more startled when he sees Chanyeol’s name flashing on the screen. His thumb traces the characters of his name. Chanyeol’s been calling him so much the past days that Baekhyun thinks he’s called more this time around than he ever had the whole time they’d been together. There’s a second where he considers answering the call because Chanyeol has been calling incessantly before he remembers that it wouldn’t be such a good idea. So he ends the call, turns his phone off and pockets it.
“Talking to him doesn’t mean getting back together with him.”
Baekhyun jumps in his seat. He’s forgotten that Jongin was there. Sitting up straighter, he pushes his seat closer to his desk. “I know that,” he softly responds. “I just… I don’t think it would be wise if we do talk.”
“For whom?” Jongin asks. “For him, or for you?”
Baekhyun swallows. The past week has been really hard on him. It’s weird waking up in an unfamiliar bed in an unfamiliar room. It’s also weird to see Junmyeon waiting for him in the kitchen with an unusual concoction of Kimchi and spaghetti, something that Junmyeon said he’s learned from Kyungsoo. For five years he’s been waking up the glow-in-the-dark stars and planets plastered on the ceiling, been waking up to warm arms around his waist, to kisses pressed against the back of his neck, and now all that’s changed. He really doesn’t think it’s wise for them to talk.
“He’s… he’s not doing so well, Baek,” Jongin continues. “He’s-“
“No, don’t tell me,” Baekhyun harshly interrupts. He clenches and unclenches his hands, which are on his lap, in an effort to ease the fast beating of his heart. The last thing he wants to continue being responsible for Chanyeol and for whatever repercussions their break up may have had on him. “Just…” He looks up at Jongin.
Jongin sighs and pats his shoulder. “You should get back to work,” he says before getting up to leave.
Baekhyun’s shoulders shake as he buries his face in his hands.
-
“I don’t think I should go,” Baekhyun says just before he walks through the doorway of his bedroom. He watches as Junmyeon puts his phone in the back pocket of his dark jeans. “I mean, I’m not really up for going out. I don’t think it’s-“
“Nothing’s ever appropriate for you anymore, Baekhyun,” Junmyeon insists. “You need to go out, need to do something else than work and stay at home.” He raises an eyebrow when Baekhyun merely hesitates.
“But Chanyeol…” Something in Baekhyun’s chest tightens as he says his name, even more painful than when he just thinks of him.
“There’s no way to go around the fact that you and Chanyeol share the same friends,” Junmyeon reminds him. He approaches Baekhyun and places his hands on his arms. “Baek, please do this for yourself. There’s no healing in keeping yourself secluded all the time,” he tells him, almost pleadingly. A sigh follows when Baekhyun doesn’t seem convinced. “Besides, Chanyeol’s not even going to be there. He’s already said he’s not up for it.” He puts an arm around Baekhyun and gently coaxes him out of his room. “C’mon, it’s Jongdae’s birthday.”
Baekhyun allows himself to be swayed. He goes with Junmyeon to the restaurant where Jongdae’s holding his birthday celebration and, almost immediately after entering, he sees Chanyeol. Baekhyun freezes and grips Junmyeon’s hand.
Chanyeol’s standing by the bar, talking to Wu Fan. There’s a smile on his face that Baekhyun knows is the smile that appears just before he’s about to start laughing. And Chanyeol does laugh a second after that. It’s not a full on laugh, but it lights up Chanyeol’s face nevertheless and Baekhyun has this sudden urge to run to him and maybe hug him and just… He takes a step back then another, and another. His eyes widen because Chanyeol looks up and sees him just then.
Before Junmyeon can stop him, Baekhyun’s out of the restaurant.
Baekhyun takes a deep breath because he’s never felt this suffocated before, not like how he felt the afternoon he broke up with Chanyeol. But now he can hardly breathe. Seeing Chanyeol and seeing him smiling and laughing and maybe moving on, Baekhyun doesn’t really know what to think. He wants Chanyeol to be happy, wants him to move on, but seeing him do so, there’s a part of him that repulses the idea and he doesn’t understand why.
He takes another deep breath and bends over, resting his palms on his knees. He can’t help but remember the last time Chanyeol laughed at something he said the way he did with Wu Fan.
It was about seven months ago. Baekhyun had wanted to do something nice and special for Chanyeol so he’d cleaned the whole apartment and put all their clothes in the washing machine and dryer. Then he’d prepared dinner. Chanyeol was smiling the whole time, truly pleased and happy with what was happening, with how Baekhyun went through all the effort to make him happy. Right after dinner, Baekhyun told Chanyeol to just put his clothes in the laundry room. Chanyeol came back to the bedroom with the hamper of clothes he’d chucked in the dryer earlier that day. They had all shrunk to a size where none of it could be worn by either of them. Chanyeol had rolled on the bed in laughter, pulling Baekhyun with him. They laughed and laughed while on the bed, which later on ended up into an intense make out session. Baekhyun doesn’t remember Chanyeol’s laughter after that night.
“Baekhyun.”
Baekhyun’s breath feels like it swooshes out of him. Chanyeol’s standing right in front of him, hand slightly stretched as if he wants to hold Baekhyun but is unsure whether it would be welcomed. Baekhyun’s eyes fly towards the restaurant entrance and back towards Chanyeol, wondering how he didn’t notice him coming out and coming after him.
“What are you doing here?” Baekhyun manages to get out. He takes a step back, something he’s been doing a lot where Chanyeol’s involved recently, and leans his back on the wall just so he can hold himself stable.
“I didn’t know…” Chanyeol starts to speak but Baekhyun chooses not to hear it. His heart hurts too much because this is Chanyeol. Chanyeol is standing in front of him, not even a month into their break up looking like he still wants Baekhyun, like he still…
Baekhyun turns away and starts walking. Because he’s sure that if he doesn’t he’s going to give in when Chanyeol pleads to take him back and he doesn’t want that because he’s tired. He doesn’t want to come back to a relationship where he isn’t sure there’s still anything to come back to. Not even when he’s still in love.
“Baekhyun, please,” Chanyeol goes after him.
“Stop coming after me, Chanyeol,” Baekhyun hopes that his voice isn’t cracking too much just like his heart is.
“No,” Chanyeol grabs his wrist and turns him around. He crushes Baekhyun to his chest and Baekhyun unwillingly lets out a sob because Chanyeol’s holding him so tightly and Baekhyun wants to cling onto him so badly if only for the reason that he still believes that Chanyeol is the love of his life. “No,” he repeats. “I’m never going to.”
“No,” Baekhyun pushes him away. He stretches his arms in front of him to hold Chanyeol back. “No, Chanyeol. Please don’t.”
“I don’t understand, Baekhyun,” Chanyeol says, eyes red because of fresh tears and Baekhyun tries to even his breathing because he doesn’t understand anymore either. “I know we weren’t always happy. Things weren’t always smooth sailing. But this is the first time we break up and you make it sound so… final.”
“Because it is final, Chanyeol,” Baekhyun snaps. “And we haven’t been happy in a really long time. Things haven’t been smooth sailing in a really long time. We never see each other, never talk. I don’t know who you are anymore.”
Baekhyun’s eyes sting with tears as he remembers preparing dinner night after night, hoping that Chanyeol would come home soon and eat with him, and always end up eating by himself. There were days when he feels like Jongin’s been more of a friend to him than Chanyeol’s been. When he tries to talk to Chanyeol, it always felt like there was this wall between them that was slowly erected due to the busyness of their careers. He loves Chanyeol, he really does, but he’s not happy and he knows he deserves better than an empty home and an empty heart.
“I love you, Baekhyun,” Chanyeol tells him as more tears fall on his cheeks. “I love you. Isn’t that enough?”
Baekhyun chokes back a sob as he shakes his head. “Not anymore,” he whispers before he runs down a short distance before he flags down a cab and gets in.
He curls into himself as he lets out the pain that’s been building up in him the moment he laid eyes on Chanyeol that night. Why couldn’t he have just insisted on staying home? Why did he have to go to the stupid birthday party knowing the risk of seeing Chanyeol? And why was Chanyeol so insistent? Why was he happy to see him? Why did he tell him he loves him?
Baekhyun’s heart feels like it’s going to burst. The cab driver keeps on glancing at him, probably thinking on how he could make things better. But Baekhyun can’t be bothered on explaining because nothing’s coming out of his mouth except sobs.
All of a sudden, the cab is careening to a stop as a crash so loud and so terrifying echoes behind them. Baekhyun turns around and sees debris everywhere. People are starting to gather around a car that’s smashed into a pole, the front of the car split into two, the windshield completely shattered.
Something seizes at Baekhyun’s heart. He recognizes that car.
“Chanyeol.”
-
Part 2
EXO | Baekhyun/Chanyeol | PG-13 | 6,701w
Angst, AU, Established relationship
When you love someone, you just really want what's best for them. Even if that means not being together.
walking between the raindrops
Baekhyun doesn't really remember how it began, doesn't remember much of the intricacies that brought him to the current decision he's about to make. All he knows that when he looks at Chanyeol, though still as handsome as ever like when they first met, still pretty much the same as before, he feels different. Because they're not the same anymore.
Baekhyun carefully wipes the kitchen counter with a white cloth that has a hole, burnt through when Chanyeol had used it to put a fire out, caused by his attempt to make Baekhyun some soup. It reminds him of how he'd just laughed through the whole thing because Chanyeol looked so sorry, so mortified that Baekhyun couldn't find it in him to get upset anymore. He remembers walking up to Chanyeol and wrapping his arms around his waist, because Chanyeol had been making him soup after all. Chanyeol had then bent his head and had kissed him. Things escalated shortly after that.
Baekhyun stops wiping the counter and cleaning up the kitchen. He leaves that part of the apartment because there are too many things that had happened there, and it's not helping Baekhyun not feel worse with what he's about to do. He decides to go to the bedroom to finish packing his things, make sure that he has enough in his bag to last him until he finds a new apartment. But one bag should do, should be enough to bring with him for when he stays with Junmyeon for a while.
He's cleaned up the room, the sheets washed and pressed to a pristine white, the pillows fluffed, the tables dusted off. Their closet is still full, mostly with Chanyeol's clothes and Baekhyun's made sure that everything's hanged and folded neatly. He's even arranged Chanyeol's clothes to according how and when he would need to use it for the week. His culinary classes always had different uniforms for each day, some requiring a different apron. He reaches for one of the uniforms and traces delicate fingers on them. Chanyeol always had been proud of being a chef-in-training, coming to master moving around the kitchen, his clumsiness slowly becoming a non-liability. Baekhyun smiles because he knows Chanyeol is going to make it and that he's going to be great.
When he closes the closet, he picks up his bag and goes through one last sweep of the room. A lot of his fondest memories with Chanyeol were made there, those he refuses to revisit.
Once he's closed the bedroom door behind him, it's when he hears the apartment door open, familiar keys being placed on the counter and Chanyeol's heavy footsteps on their wooden floor. He holds his breath when Chanyeol sees him. There's a big grin on his face, one of Baekhyun's favorite smiles on him. He watches as it slowly falls, the curls of the tips of his lips curving downward when he finally sees Baekhyun all dressed up, his one travel bag full of clothes in his hand. Chanyeol doesn't say anything for a while, merely looking up and searching Baekhyun's face, maybe for a sign of mirth or teasing because Baekhyun's always been a trickster. But Baekhyun merely holds his gaze because this time he's not joking anymore.
"Baek?" And there's this tone in Chanyeol's voice that's desperate and pleading. It makes Baekhyun's chest tighten and constrict but he ignores it.
"I'm leaving, Chanyeol," Baekhyun firmly says, his hold on his bag tightening. Chanyeol frowns in confusion. "I'm leaving you," he rephrases with emphasis because he thinks Chanyeol doesn't understand.
Chanyeol is speechless for a second and Baekhyun forces himself to believe that this isn't a surprise, shouldn't be something that's surprising to Chanyeol. It's been inevitable. They'd been anything but happy the past couple of months. Baekhyun refuses to believe that he's the only one who saw this coming. They'd barely been speaking. Chanyeol was always coming home late, while Baekhyun always leaves early for his job. They barely even saw each other anymore. Baekhyun thinks he's seen Chanyeol's best friend, Jongin, more than he's seen Chanyeol the past couple of months just because Jongin's his officemate.
Chanyeol blinks and realization forms on his face. Baekhyun knows that Chanyeol's remembering their fights the past month, almost daily, and in increasing heat. They fought about the smallest of things, about who should've paid for the bills, about who should've washed the dishes, about Chanyeol leaving the stuff he's used in cooking all over the kitchen, about the scraps of cloth that Baekhyun's had lying around the apartment, about how Baekhyun's spending more and more time at work and how Chanyeol's hanging out with Lu Han more. Each fight seemed like it was the end of the world, no room for any understanding or compromise. They fought about everything as if it was the only way they could talk to each other anymore.
"I paid everything for the month, the rent, bills, so you don’t have worry about anything," Baekhyun tells him because he's pretty sure that Chanyeol will forget. "I've cleaned everything up. I picked up your laundry. Oh," he starts, remembering something, "the leak in the kitchen sink will need to be fixed. The plumber's coming tomorrow. Don’t forget to spare some money." He hesitates because Chanyeol's not moving, not saying anything. "My keys are on the counter." He shifts his bag to the other hand. "I should go."
Chanyeol doesn't stop him when he turns and walks towards the door. Baekhyun ignores how this makes him feel. He ignores how it makes something in his chest deflate painfully. He clutches his bag because it allows him to shove back down the urge to turn around and do... Baekhyun isn't really sure what.
He's just finished putting his shoes on when warm arms wrap around his waist and an equally warm chest presses against his back. Baekhyun closes his eyes because Chanyeol is resting his forehead on his right shoulder and he can feel his shirt slowly getting soaked because Chanyeol is crying. There are very few times that Chanyeol’s allowed himself to break down and cry, because Chanyeol is strong and is always smiling. He rarely lets anything get to him. But now he is crying, because of Baekhyun.
“Chanyeol,” Baekhyun starts to speak but Chanyeol shakes his head, holding him tighter.
“Please don’t leave me,” Chanyeol begs. His mouth is on Baekhyun’s collarbone, tears tracing down Chanyeol’s face and to the skin under the collar of Baekhyun’s shirt. “I promise I’ll be better. I promise I won’t ignore you anymore. I promise I’ll-“
Baekhyun immediately untangles himself from Chanyeol’s arms and takes three steps away from him. He turns around hesitantly, his hand on the doorknob, because he knows his heart is going to break when he sees Chanyeol’s face wet with tears. It does break, cracking slowly at the edges, chips slowly falling down. Chanyeol’s eyes are glistening, red-rimmed, his cheeks flushed and damp, and his hair plastered to his forehead. Baekhyun braces himself for what he’s about to say because it’s just going to make things worse.
“I can’t,” Baekhyun whispers, taking another step back. “I can’t,” he repeats for good measure as if he’s trying hard to convince more than just one person. He really can’t because it’s been months and months of working hard by himself just to make this relationship work. It’s been too many weeks of going to bed by himself and waking up to Chanyeol still knocked out. It’s been an incredible amount of days that something’s come up at work, something that he knows Chanyeol would love hearing about, but he doesn’t call him because Chanyeol doesn’t like being disturbed during the day because he’s either in class or at his internship. Baekhyun’s just felt so alone for so long that he doesn’t really think he can do it anymore. He’s just tired. He wants to let go.
Chanyeol takes another step forward and Baekhyun steps back, his back hitting the door. Chanyeol’s sobbing now, the tears dripping down his chin and jaw. Baekhyun looks away because he’s never seen Chanyeol like this, never seen him so broken, and he can’t bear the fact that he’s the one who’s made him this way. He twists the doorknob and opens the door.
“Baekhyun, please,” Chanyeol entreats. He falls to his knees, hands flat on the wooden floor. “Please, Baekhyun,” he repeats. “Please don’t leave me.”
Baekhyun closes his eyes tightly and tries to impair his hearing by covering his ears with his hands once he’s closed the door shut behind him. Chanyeol’s cries seep through the cracks of the door and Baekhyun has to slide down to the ground and bury his face on his raised knees to block them out.
He stays there for a while longer than he should, but he waits because he wants to hear Chanyeol stop crying, wants to hear him get off the floor and start moving again because, as much as he wants to break up with Chanyeol, wants to start forgetting the years they’d spent their lives side by side together, he doesn’t want to destroy Chanyeol.
When everything’s quieted down, Baekhyun slowly gets up, wipes his own tears with his sleeve, picks up his bag and walks away.
-
Whoever said that being the one to initiate the break up has it easier was obviously lying, Baekhyun thinks as he leans back on his seat and closes his eyes. It’s been difficult for him, too. Because things have changed so quickly that he’s just trying to grab onto something to make sure he doesn’t fall and scrape himself.
He sighs as he kneads his forehead. He’s been working on an article about the pros and cons of drinking coffee while he’s been on his third cup of the morning. At this rate that he’s drinking them he’s definitely going to get some form of heart disease. He hasn’t been sleeping well, although that can’t be fully attributed to his coffee drinking.
“Hey.” There’s a warm hand on his shoulder. Baekhyun’s eyes flutter open and he turns and smiles at Jongin, who’s perched on his desk. “You don’t look so well,” Jongin continues.
This is something that Jongin has told him everyday ever since he found out a day later about what had happened. He’s still quite surprised at the fact that Jongin hasn’t shunned him, hasn’t thrown him one of those obligatory evil looks because he’s just broken his best friend’s heart. In fact, Jongin’s been pretty nice to him, always asking him how he’s doing.
“I’m fine,” is Baekhyun’s standard answer. “This article is just giving me a headache.”
“I think this is giving you a headache,” Jongin lifts up his cup of coffee and chucks it in the trash bin. “You should stop drinking so much of it. Chanyeol told me that-“ Jongin cuts himself off and coughs.
Baekhyun pretends not to have heard and takes his phone out, shuffling through his phonebook in an attempt to be busy with something. He’s in the middle of his D contacts when his phone rings, startling him. He’s even more startled when he sees Chanyeol’s name flashing on the screen. His thumb traces the characters of his name. Chanyeol’s been calling him so much the past days that Baekhyun thinks he’s called more this time around than he ever had the whole time they’d been together. There’s a second where he considers answering the call because Chanyeol has been calling incessantly before he remembers that it wouldn’t be such a good idea. So he ends the call, turns his phone off and pockets it.
“Talking to him doesn’t mean getting back together with him.”
Baekhyun jumps in his seat. He’s forgotten that Jongin was there. Sitting up straighter, he pushes his seat closer to his desk. “I know that,” he softly responds. “I just… I don’t think it would be wise if we do talk.”
“For whom?” Jongin asks. “For him, or for you?”
Baekhyun swallows. The past week has been really hard on him. It’s weird waking up in an unfamiliar bed in an unfamiliar room. It’s also weird to see Junmyeon waiting for him in the kitchen with an unusual concoction of Kimchi and spaghetti, something that Junmyeon said he’s learned from Kyungsoo. For five years he’s been waking up the glow-in-the-dark stars and planets plastered on the ceiling, been waking up to warm arms around his waist, to kisses pressed against the back of his neck, and now all that’s changed. He really doesn’t think it’s wise for them to talk.
“He’s… he’s not doing so well, Baek,” Jongin continues. “He’s-“
“No, don’t tell me,” Baekhyun harshly interrupts. He clenches and unclenches his hands, which are on his lap, in an effort to ease the fast beating of his heart. The last thing he wants to continue being responsible for Chanyeol and for whatever repercussions their break up may have had on him. “Just…” He looks up at Jongin.
Jongin sighs and pats his shoulder. “You should get back to work,” he says before getting up to leave.
Baekhyun’s shoulders shake as he buries his face in his hands.
-
“I don’t think I should go,” Baekhyun says just before he walks through the doorway of his bedroom. He watches as Junmyeon puts his phone in the back pocket of his dark jeans. “I mean, I’m not really up for going out. I don’t think it’s-“
“Nothing’s ever appropriate for you anymore, Baekhyun,” Junmyeon insists. “You need to go out, need to do something else than work and stay at home.” He raises an eyebrow when Baekhyun merely hesitates.
“But Chanyeol…” Something in Baekhyun’s chest tightens as he says his name, even more painful than when he just thinks of him.
“There’s no way to go around the fact that you and Chanyeol share the same friends,” Junmyeon reminds him. He approaches Baekhyun and places his hands on his arms. “Baek, please do this for yourself. There’s no healing in keeping yourself secluded all the time,” he tells him, almost pleadingly. A sigh follows when Baekhyun doesn’t seem convinced. “Besides, Chanyeol’s not even going to be there. He’s already said he’s not up for it.” He puts an arm around Baekhyun and gently coaxes him out of his room. “C’mon, it’s Jongdae’s birthday.”
Baekhyun allows himself to be swayed. He goes with Junmyeon to the restaurant where Jongdae’s holding his birthday celebration and, almost immediately after entering, he sees Chanyeol. Baekhyun freezes and grips Junmyeon’s hand.
Chanyeol’s standing by the bar, talking to Wu Fan. There’s a smile on his face that Baekhyun knows is the smile that appears just before he’s about to start laughing. And Chanyeol does laugh a second after that. It’s not a full on laugh, but it lights up Chanyeol’s face nevertheless and Baekhyun has this sudden urge to run to him and maybe hug him and just… He takes a step back then another, and another. His eyes widen because Chanyeol looks up and sees him just then.
Before Junmyeon can stop him, Baekhyun’s out of the restaurant.
Baekhyun takes a deep breath because he’s never felt this suffocated before, not like how he felt the afternoon he broke up with Chanyeol. But now he can hardly breathe. Seeing Chanyeol and seeing him smiling and laughing and maybe moving on, Baekhyun doesn’t really know what to think. He wants Chanyeol to be happy, wants him to move on, but seeing him do so, there’s a part of him that repulses the idea and he doesn’t understand why.
He takes another deep breath and bends over, resting his palms on his knees. He can’t help but remember the last time Chanyeol laughed at something he said the way he did with Wu Fan.
It was about seven months ago. Baekhyun had wanted to do something nice and special for Chanyeol so he’d cleaned the whole apartment and put all their clothes in the washing machine and dryer. Then he’d prepared dinner. Chanyeol was smiling the whole time, truly pleased and happy with what was happening, with how Baekhyun went through all the effort to make him happy. Right after dinner, Baekhyun told Chanyeol to just put his clothes in the laundry room. Chanyeol came back to the bedroom with the hamper of clothes he’d chucked in the dryer earlier that day. They had all shrunk to a size where none of it could be worn by either of them. Chanyeol had rolled on the bed in laughter, pulling Baekhyun with him. They laughed and laughed while on the bed, which later on ended up into an intense make out session. Baekhyun doesn’t remember Chanyeol’s laughter after that night.
“Baekhyun.”
Baekhyun’s breath feels like it swooshes out of him. Chanyeol’s standing right in front of him, hand slightly stretched as if he wants to hold Baekhyun but is unsure whether it would be welcomed. Baekhyun’s eyes fly towards the restaurant entrance and back towards Chanyeol, wondering how he didn’t notice him coming out and coming after him.
“What are you doing here?” Baekhyun manages to get out. He takes a step back, something he’s been doing a lot where Chanyeol’s involved recently, and leans his back on the wall just so he can hold himself stable.
“I didn’t know…” Chanyeol starts to speak but Baekhyun chooses not to hear it. His heart hurts too much because this is Chanyeol. Chanyeol is standing in front of him, not even a month into their break up looking like he still wants Baekhyun, like he still…
Baekhyun turns away and starts walking. Because he’s sure that if he doesn’t he’s going to give in when Chanyeol pleads to take him back and he doesn’t want that because he’s tired. He doesn’t want to come back to a relationship where he isn’t sure there’s still anything to come back to. Not even when he’s still in love.
“Baekhyun, please,” Chanyeol goes after him.
“Stop coming after me, Chanyeol,” Baekhyun hopes that his voice isn’t cracking too much just like his heart is.
“No,” Chanyeol grabs his wrist and turns him around. He crushes Baekhyun to his chest and Baekhyun unwillingly lets out a sob because Chanyeol’s holding him so tightly and Baekhyun wants to cling onto him so badly if only for the reason that he still believes that Chanyeol is the love of his life. “No,” he repeats. “I’m never going to.”
“No,” Baekhyun pushes him away. He stretches his arms in front of him to hold Chanyeol back. “No, Chanyeol. Please don’t.”
“I don’t understand, Baekhyun,” Chanyeol says, eyes red because of fresh tears and Baekhyun tries to even his breathing because he doesn’t understand anymore either. “I know we weren’t always happy. Things weren’t always smooth sailing. But this is the first time we break up and you make it sound so… final.”
“Because it is final, Chanyeol,” Baekhyun snaps. “And we haven’t been happy in a really long time. Things haven’t been smooth sailing in a really long time. We never see each other, never talk. I don’t know who you are anymore.”
Baekhyun’s eyes sting with tears as he remembers preparing dinner night after night, hoping that Chanyeol would come home soon and eat with him, and always end up eating by himself. There were days when he feels like Jongin’s been more of a friend to him than Chanyeol’s been. When he tries to talk to Chanyeol, it always felt like there was this wall between them that was slowly erected due to the busyness of their careers. He loves Chanyeol, he really does, but he’s not happy and he knows he deserves better than an empty home and an empty heart.
“I love you, Baekhyun,” Chanyeol tells him as more tears fall on his cheeks. “I love you. Isn’t that enough?”
Baekhyun chokes back a sob as he shakes his head. “Not anymore,” he whispers before he runs down a short distance before he flags down a cab and gets in.
He curls into himself as he lets out the pain that’s been building up in him the moment he laid eyes on Chanyeol that night. Why couldn’t he have just insisted on staying home? Why did he have to go to the stupid birthday party knowing the risk of seeing Chanyeol? And why was Chanyeol so insistent? Why was he happy to see him? Why did he tell him he loves him?
Baekhyun’s heart feels like it’s going to burst. The cab driver keeps on glancing at him, probably thinking on how he could make things better. But Baekhyun can’t be bothered on explaining because nothing’s coming out of his mouth except sobs.
All of a sudden, the cab is careening to a stop as a crash so loud and so terrifying echoes behind them. Baekhyun turns around and sees debris everywhere. People are starting to gather around a car that’s smashed into a pole, the front of the car split into two, the windshield completely shattered.
Something seizes at Baekhyun’s heart. He recognizes that car.
“Chanyeol.”
-
Part 2