Silver Linings [Lay/Suho]
Silver Linings
EXO | Lay/Suho | PG-13 | 9,684w
Romance, Angst
Sometimes love starts with a break-up.
Entry for sncj_bigbang, originally posted here.
Silver Linings
Yixing smiles as he puts on his newly tailored suit. He moves his arms, checking the length of the sleeves, as well as the length of the jacket. The pants seem comfortable enough to not rip when he sits down. All in all, it seems that it looks-
“Perfect,” Baekhyun comments from behind him, his hands on Yixing’s arms. He smiles as he turns Yixing around to face him and fixes the collar of his long-sleeved shirt, as well as the lapels of the coat. “It looks perfect. You look perfect.”
Yixing nods and swallows nervously, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down in his throat. That’s exactly what he’s going for: perfection. He wants everything that’s going to happen from this moment onwards to be just right. He turns around and faces Baekhyun, who’s watching him with amusement.
“Baekhyun, I don’t know how to thank-“ Yixing begins.
“Please,” Baekhyun waves him off, making his way out of the dressing room so Yixing can change back into his own clothes. “You wanted the best suit, I found you the best suit.”
“But you didn’t have to,” Yixing continues, coming out when he’s changed. “You’re not in the even working anymore. You’re-“
“Domesticated, I know,” Baekhyun finishes for him with a giggle. He reaches for Yixing’s hands and takes a deep and happy breath. “When he says yes-“
Yixing makes a face at him. “You don’t even know if he will-“
“When he says yes,” Baekhyun maintains pointedly, squeezing his hands, “he will jump into your arms and you will kiss and then have amazing sex-“
“Baekhyun,” Yixing groans.
“-and then it will be chaos,” Baekhyun persists. “It will be months of wedding preparations, of looking for the perfect pieces to your wedding. Like will you get married in a church, or have a garden wedding or just have a legal union? The point is-“
“Church. I think he’d like to get married in a church,” Yixing interrupts, a wistful smile on his face. “Just like his parents did.” He smiles as he imagines Kyungsoo walking down the red-carpeted aisle, grumpily holding a small flower bouquet, but smiling happily nevertheless because finally, finally, they’re getting married, something they’ve always talked about since university.
“Okay,” Baekhyun nods. His face spasms for a second before he’s hugging Yixing tightly.
If Yixing doesn’t know any better, he’d think that there’s something wrong with Baekhyun and his face. But he does know better. “Baek,” he chuckles, hugging him back with just as much fervor. “I’m not going away.”
“But you’re getting married!” Baekhyun pulls away. “That is like going away. It’s a whole new life.”
“You got married,” Yixing reminds him. “You’re still here.”
“I’m a househusband,” Baekhyun tells him as he helps Yixing hang his suit back on the rack. “I clean the apartment, organize his things, and manage his appointments. I do the groceries; choose food that is healthy for him. I cook for crying out loud. From a marketing executive, I’ve become… this. It is like going away for a new life.”
“But you love it,” Yixing calls him out on his dramatic tirade. “You love it. Because of that big baby ape that you call the love of your life.”
“Chanyeol,” Baekhyun affectionately states. “And yes, I do love him and I love what I am now because of him.”
Yixing watches as Baekhyun smiles as he thinks about Chanyeol. Yixing has known Baekhyun since the summer before university started. They had worked at the same bookstore, where they shelved books to earn some cash. Baekhyun was driven, such a hard worker and so passionate about the marketing profession that Yixing was incredibly surprised when he found out that Baekhyun had agreed to marry Chanyeol and settle down with him. But Baekhyun knew what he wanted in a relationship and in love more than anyone Yixing’s known. His job made him incredibly busy, making no time for healthy relationships or even family. But when he met Chanyeol, all of that changed.
Yixing wants that, too. He wants that kind of life, that kind of love. The kind that is unconditional and steadfast and warm and comfortable, the kind that you want to come home to after a long day at work, the kind that you’d be willing to give up things for. Yixing has found that in Kyungsoo. They’ve been together for almost six years and he believes that it’s time for them to settle down and start the rest of their lives together.
“You will have that, too,” Baekhyun assures him. “You and Kyungsoo have been together for so long that it’s crazy not to see you two together.”
“Thanks, Baek,” Yixing pulls his best friend into another hug.
Baekhyun beams up at him. “I want to be the first person that you call after the proposal,” he insists. “And I want to be the one to help you plan for things. I’m sure Kyungsoo won’t mind.”
“Kyungsoo won’t have a choice, I think,” Yixing teases him. “But yes,” he promises when Baekhyun slaps his arm, “I will call you right after. If he says yes.”
Baekhyun rolls his eyes. “You guys are in love. What reason is there for him not to say yes?”
☙❧☙
There are a lot of reasons for a person to say no to a marriage proposal. They’re not ready, they don’t see a life with you, they have commitment issues, or their job doesn’t permit it… Yixing is sure there are more. But it all just boils down to one thing. Love. It’s either the love isn’t enough or the love isn’t there anymore. I don’t love you enough to marry you and spend the rest of my life tied to you.
And he thinks that’s exactly what Kyungsoo means when he just stares at him in surprise right after he pops the question.
“Yixing,” Kyungsoo speaks up, recovering from his silence. He shifts in his seat, lightly drumming his fingertips through the wine glass within his reach. “You just caught me by surprise.”
Yixing leans back on his seat, hand tightly clenched. Kyungsoo had arrived in the restaurant looking handsome in his dark suit. He had sat down, putting his bag down beside his seat, and looked around curiously, obviously wondering what they were doing there. Yixing had taken them to the restaurant where they had their first date, when Yixing was a struggling university student, who’d starved himself just to be able to bring Kyungsoo to a classy restaurant because he felt he deserved no less.
Kyungsoo had giggled back then, had gushed at the sophistication and luxury of the place. Yixing had assured him that everything was taken cared of, that Kyungsoo didn’t have to worry about anything. It was a promise that Yixing had made sure to carry on all throughout their life together.
“I guess I should have known what was going to happen when you told me we were having dinner here,” Kyungsoo goes on with a soft sigh.
“What was going to happen,” Yixing repeats. “You say that like you’ve been dreading it.”
There was a time when Kyungsoo had gushed about marriage, about what their life would be like together, about the kind of house they’d live in, what they’d do on their nights in. They even talked about kids and making sure that their jobs never interfered with family. They had so many plans, so many dreams together. Yixing’s whole future revolved on the fact that he would have Kyungsoo by his side.
Now he’s not sure where he stands. He’s not sure about his life anymore.
“It’s not like that,” Kyungsoo is quick to correct him. “Just…I wasn’t sure we were going down this path anymore.”
Something clenches at Yixing’s heart as he wracks his brain for any sign that he might have given that he never wanted to marry Kyungsoo, that he didn’t want this kind of life with him. He thought they were on the same page on this. They have been together for over five years.
“We’ve always talked about this,” Yixing reminds him. “We’ve always-“
“I know, but so many things have changed,” Kyungsoo says and Yixing knows that he’s talking about all the days they haven’t seen each other because of their jobs, of Kyungsoo traveling back and forth for his, of the nights they just slept beside each other because they were too tired. “Yixing, I’m not saying no-“
“You aren’t saying yes either,” Yixing responds. “In fact, you’re not saying anything. And don’t lie to me.” Kyungsoo stills in his seat. “I know you better than anyone. Don’t lie to spare my feelings.”
Yixing stares at his plate, steak and mashed potatoes half-eaten, peas scattered beside it. He’d learned how to cook steak when he found out that Kyungsoo enjoyed it so much. He made sure to make it and serve it during their anniversaries. He figured why not have the original for the start of a big change in their lives.
“I’m sorry, Yixing,” Kyungsoo finally admits. “I thought I wanted this.” He reaches out across the table for Yixing’s hand. He tugs at it so Yixing would look at him. “I do love you, and I do want to get married just-“
“Not with me,” Yixing finishes in a whisper. He averts his gaze when Kyungsoo lets go of his hand. “Because you don’t love me enough.”
☙❧☙
Yixing is standing in the middle of the apartment, staring into space, when Baekhyun’s call comes. It takes him a couple of seconds to answer, even wondering whether he should because he knows that Baekhyun is going to ask about the proposal.
“Yeah,” he finally answers, closing his eyes.
“You told me you’d call me!” Baekhyun’s annoyed but excited voice comes through. “What happened? Did he squeal like a girl? Did he like the ring? Have you guys had hot sex yet?”
Yixing slowly counts to ten in his head. Baekhyun is his best friend. He’s seen his friendship with Kyungsoo blossom into a relationship. He’d helped Yixing plan their dates, made sure that things went off without a hitch, and even scared off some potential suitors. Even when they were already out of university, Baekhyun took time out of his incredibly busy schedule to come over whenever he and Kyungsoo were having a fight or whenever he wanted to do something special for him. Baekhyun was the biggest supporter of his relationship with Kyungsoo. How can Yixing let him down?
How can Yixing tell Baekhyun that Kyungsoo has just moved out of the apartment they’ve been living in for the whole of their relationship? How can he tell Baekhyun that the love of his life was gone, taking everything, including Yixing’s heart with him?
“I was just about to call you, actually,” Yixing’s voice breaks but he covers it up with a chuckle. He finds the couch and sinks into it.
“Well what happened? Tell me!” Baekhyun giggles in anticipation. “Is he there? I’m not interrupting anything, am I? I’d really rather not get in the middle of you sexing Kyungsoo up.”
Yixing squeezes his eyes, forcing back the tears that were leaking his true feelings to the outside world. He struggles with telling Baekhyun the truth because he is his best friend and deserves to know what really happened. But then, Baekhyun, who is living the life that he’s always wanted with the man of his dreams, would be distressed if he ever finds out because, aside from Yixing, there’s no one else in the world who wants him to have his happy ending.
“He liked the ring,” Yixing hopes his sob comes out as a giggle. “He thought doing the proposal at the restaurant where we had our first date was a bit cheesy, but he loved it anyway.” He pauses for a second because he feels like he’s about to cry out. “He said yes.” He takes a deep breath and buries his face in one hand, as his other one clutches the phone rigidly.
Yixing can barely hear Baekhyun when he says, “Of course he did. He loves you.”
“Yeah,” Yixing replies. “Baek, I have to go-“
“Yes, yes, of course,” Baekhyun immediately responds. “I’m sure you guys want to bask in the proposal afterglow. Don’t mind me. We’ll talk tomorrow.” Yixing’s about to hang up when Baekhyun tells him, “Xing, I’m really happy for you.”
Yixing is surprised that he has enough strength to fake a laugh. “Me, too.”
Yixing slowly puts the phone down on the table; the living room table that used to have Kyungsoo’s articles strewn all over it, his laptop always opened, with a mug of coffee. He chokes on the sob at the back of his throat and curls into himself on the couch, where he and Kyungsoo had cuddled as they watched movies and Korean dramas.
He closes his eyes and forces himself to sleep, hoping that, when he wakes up, this will all have been a bad dream.
☙❧☙
There is no fast track to getting over a break-up. Yixing learns this one week later, after trying various things like taking up boxing, going to support groups to talk his feelings out, watching happy movies or going to karaoke bars. Drinking helps. A bit. It doesn’t really make the pain go away. It just numbs him to it, at the very least.
“Hey,” Yixing calls the bartender. He raises his glass of scotch, requesting for another one.
He still hasn’t told anyone. Not even Baekhyun. Somehow, he just can’t bring himself to say, “Hey, Kyungsoo and I broke up. I proposed but he said no. Just thought you should know” to anyone who knows them, to anyone who might have thought they’d end up together. He’s been avoiding Baekhyun’s calls. Sometimes he answers them, only to say that he’s too busy and that can they please please talk about Kyungsoo and the wedding later. Or never.
He gulps half the new glass of the scotch poured for him and leans against the bar. There are so many reasons he shouldn’t drown his heartbreak in alcohol. But he hasn’t really listened to reason ever since Kyungsoo decided Yixing wasn’t good enough for him. At the very least, he’s glad that alcohol helps him somehow, and makes sure that he doesn’t burst into tears or make him jump off a building to just make it stop.
“Yixing?”
Yixing stares for a bit before he’s blurting out, “Joonmyun!” He looks behind him to see if he’s with anyone. “You’re alone.”
“I am,” Joonmyun slides onto the seat next to his. “What are you doing here?”
Yixing shrugs. “Unwinding,” he vaguely answers. “What are you doing here?”
“I helped design the place,” Joonmyun tells him, nodding at the bartender to hit him up with a drink. “I come here sometimes just to hang out.” He smiles his thanks before taking a sip of his drink. “Where’s Kyungsoo?” Yixing stiffens. “I heard about your engagement. Congratulations!”
Yixing closes his eyes for a second and wills himself to focus on his breathing. He figures Baekhyun would have told everyone about his proposal. And, of course, just like Baekhyun, everyone predicted that it would go as planned. He realizes with a jolt that Joonmyun congratulating him means that Kyungsoo hasn’t told anyone about their break-up. This sends a shock akin to hope through his body. He finishes his drink in one toss and asks for another one.
“Everything okay?” There’s concern in Joonmyun’s eyes, but there’s a smile on his lips and Yixing wonders how someone can be concerned genuinely and still be smiling, genuinely, too, at the same time.
“Fine,” Yixing assures him. “Kyungsoo…he’s busy. Always has stuff to write for the magazine.”
“I’m sure,” Joonmyun’s smile brightens. “He’s in Malaysia, right? Writing something about the city’s street food or something.”
“Phuket, actually,” Yixing corrects him thickly. He knows this because Kyungsoo always writes down his travels on the calendar stuck onto their refrigerator. He also knows that Kyungsoo is in Phuket because he was supposed to go with him. They had the whole week planned. “Writing about the beaches this time.”
“When will he be back?” Joonmyun wonders aloud. “Coz Minseok is throwing his monthly get-together this weekend and he’s really hoping we’ll all be there. It would be weird if you were there and he isn’t because how would we properly congratulate the newly-engaged couple?” He chuckles teasingly and Yixing somehow manages to laugh with him.
“That would be weird,” Yixing agrees resolutely. “We’ll both be there.”
If Kyungsoo hasn’t told anyone, maybe Kyungsoo has changed his mind. Maybe being at the beach has made him think about what had happened and made him realize that he made a mistake, that Yixing is whom he wants to marry and spend the rest of his life with. The thought makes Yixing giddy with optimism. Baekhyun is right. Kyungsoo loves Yixing and, while he didn’t say yes when Yixing asked Kyungsoo to marry him the first time, maybe he’ll do so when he asks a second time.
“Are you sure you’re alright?” Joonmyun asks again, gesturing towards Yixing’s right cheek before lightly poking his own left one.
“Never better,” Yixing assures him with a smile, because he has a chance to get Kyungsoo back.
☙❧☙
“There he is!”
Yixing jumps when Lu Han announces his arrival, slinging an arm over his shoulder. He’s been standing by the door for about 10 minutes, completely unsure as to how to go about the evening. He knows that Kyungsoo is there. He’s seen his shoes and coat by the door.
“Man of the hour!” Baekhyun yells when he sees Lu Han drawing Yixing into Minseok’s spacious apartment. “Where have you been?” He pulls Yixing away from Lu Han and hugs him. “I haven’t seen you since I gave you the suit!”
The rest of their friends from university, Jongdae, Sehun, Jongin and Zitao, crowd around him, alternately patting him on the back and hugging him. Minseok offers him a glass of champagne, which he rejects, and nods towards the living room. When Yixing follows his line of sight, he sees Kyungsoo.
“Soo, your fiancé’s here!” Jongdae announces, pulling Yixing into the living area and pushing him towards Kyungsoo.
Yixing and Kyungsoo stand awkwardly side-by-side. There’s a distinctive change between the two of them that Yixing’s pretty sure that their friends would start asking questions any minute now.
“Aww you guys are so cute,” Baekhyun coos. “Shy newly engaged couple.”
“Don’t be shy!” Zitao cheers. “How about a kiss?”
“Kiss kiss kiss kiss!” Jongin starts the chant and soon everyone is cheering for them to seal their supposed passion.
Kyungsoo rolls his eyes, an unmistakable smirk on his lips, before he’s resting a hand on Yixing’s neck and pulling him down for a lip lock. The slide of their lips against each other is so familiar and comforting that Yixing’s eyes flutter shut, his hands finding their familiar place on Kyungsoo’s hips.
This is what’s supposed to be. This is how it’s supposed to be. Kyungsoo in his arms; Kyungsoo kissing him; Kyungsoo being with him. He’s always loved kissing Kyungsoo. He loves how his lips are so full, slightly chapped, and how warm it is whenever they kiss. He loves how his fingers play with the strands of hair on the back of his neck. He loves the way Kyungsoo presses up to him as if wanting to dispose of any space that might have been left between them. If he is to go on, he just really loves Kyungsoo. And he loves that he’s kissing him now.
Yixing shifts his stance, wrapping his arms tight around Kyungsoo’s waist, not really hearing the catcalls of his friends and the sudden quiet that follows afterwards. Tightening his hold on Kyungsoo, his lips trail from Kyungsoo’s lips to his cheek down to the line of his jaw.
“Yixing,” Kyungsoo breathlessly calls, resting his hands on Yixing’s chest. Yixing presses his lips back to his, swallowing his words in an effort to show him that he is right here, that he still loves him, that he forgives him. “Yixing, stop!” Kyungsoo shoves him backwards and Yixing feels strangely out of orbit.
“What? Why?” Yixing gruffly asks, hands reaching out for him again.
Kyungsoo takes a step back, lips red and cheeks flushed. “We’re not-this isn’t-“ He glances around uncomfortably. “What was that?”
“What do you mean?” Yixing asks, truly confused. “We were kissing because they-“
“I kissed you because clearly no one knows about our break-up!” Kyungsoo hisses. “I didn’t want them to find out like this. I didn’t want them to know that I’ve-that we’ve-I thought that you would’ve at least told Baekhyun and then he’d have taken care of-“ He runs a hand through his hair and Yixing can feel the dread of what he’s about to say creep up through his skin. “Yixing, what happened at the restaurant, what I said…” He looks away. “…I meant it. I’m not taking it back.”
“You kissed me,” Yixing accuses him, leaning on the back of the couch for support. “You kissed me,” he repeats in a helpless whisper.
The truth slams into Yixing like a freight train. Kyungsoo isn’t taking him back. Kyungsoo doesn’t want him back. Whatever that kiss was, it isn’t because Kyungsoo still loves him. He looks at the man he’s spent practically the whole of his university life with, the part of his life he thought he was most sure of, and wonders how he could have missed the significant detail of Kyungsoo falling out of love with him.
“I’m sorry,” Kyungsoo whispers. He stands there, unsure of what to do, how to ease the pain he’s giving to him. “Yixing, I love you I do, but-“
“I think that’s enough.”
Yixing barely registers the voice as Joonmyun’s, head bowed as tears start streaming down his face, his heart breaking more painfully than the first time.
“Joonmyun.” Kyungsoo’s voice is stiff.
“I think you’ve said all you needed to say,” Joonmyun continues before Kyungsoo can get another word out.
“I didn’t mean to-“ Kyungsoo cuts himself off when Joonmyun glares at him. He sighs resignedly and gives Yixing an apologetic look before leaving.
Joonmyun wraps an arm around Yixing and gently sits him down on the sofa. Yixing curls up into him. The sobs he’s been holding back come rushing out, leaving him dizzy and broken. “He doesn’t love me,” he chokes out. “He doesn’t want to marry me.”
“Shh,” Joonmyun hugs him and closes his eyes.
There is a song that Yixing’s mother used to sing to him whenever he scraped his knees when he was a child. It’s a song that Kyungsoo had learned to sing for him in times when he needed a picker upper. Joonmyun is singing that song and, while it’s not the same, it helps to sort of ease the stabbing pain in his heart.
☙❧☙
The loneliness eats at Yixing. Not telling Baekhyun, not telling anyone, is consuming and tiring. Even having Joonmyun know about it doesn’t really help anything. He imagines that it was just a burden for Joonmyun to have found out that he and Kyungsoo have broken up, that Kyungsoo left him, that he’s broken, when there is nothing he can do about it. It isn’t something that Yixing would have wanted anyone to be worried about. Joonmyun never contacted him after that and it’s just as well. Yixing doesn’t want to inconvenience him any further. He’s considered telling Baekhyun just so that he can talk about it with someone, but then he remembers Baekhyun’s high hopes for him and Kyungsoo and how he wants Yixing to be happy the way he is and he just doesn’t want to disappoint him.
When Lu Han invites him to come over for a drama marathon, he finds himself saying yes. Why confine himself away from his friends when they do not know any better? So he goes and prepares to cry because the dramas that Lu Han usually likes are tears inducing, which is just what Yixing needs to vent out all the hurt he’s feeling.
After he knocks on Lu Han’s door, however, it isn’t Lu Han who answers it. It’s Baekhyun. He cautiously enters the apartment and finds that there is no one else around.
“Where’s Lu Han?” Yixing nervously asks, stuffing his hands in his pockets.
“He went out,” Baekhyun simply answers. “I told him I’d hang out with you for him instead.”
Yixing wordlessly follows Baekhyun to the living room and sits beside him on the sofa just as the television and the DVD is turned on. Baekhyun, however, doesn’t press play. Instead, he just sits there, gripping the remote control.
“Joonmyun called the other day,” Baekhyun starts.
“Baekhyun,” Yixing speaks, and he knows exactly why Baekhyun is here, instead of Lu Han. He hasn’t exactly been subtle in avoiding him.
“He told me that you and Kyungsoo had broken up, that your engagement didn’t push through and that I should talk to you,” Baekhyun continues and Yixing opens his mouth again to say something but Baekhyun shuts him up with a gaze. “And I said, no, that’s not true. Yixing and Kyungsoo couldn’t have broken up.”
Yixing sags under the weight of Baekhyun’s gaze and the weight of how high his expectation is of him. This is exactly why he doesn’t want Baekhyun to find out. He doesn’t want to feel the dejection in knowing that Baekhyun is let down by him. It is embarrassing to know that he can’t even keep his relationship with Kyungsoo in tact.
“I’m sor-,” Yixing tries again.
“Because Yixing would have told me,” Baekhyun goes on. “My best friend would have told me if something this life-changing has happened to him.”
“That’s exactly why I didn’t want to tell you,” the fight goes out of Yixing and he rests his elbows on his knees, face in his hands. “This break-up is so unacceptable. You’re so happy with Chanyeol and I can’t even make one person happy-“
“Hey,” Baekhyun interrupts him sternly. He cups Yixing cheek with one hand, looking into his best friend’s eyes before saying anything. “You’re my best friend and, no matter what you may think, I want you to be happy and it doesn’t matter how you make that happen or who you decide to be with to be so.” He leans closer to him, putting his other hand on Yixing’s other cheek. “Yixing, you’re amazing and it’s not your fault that Kyungsoo said no.”
Yixing takes a deep breath and that’s the only warning they both get before he’s bursting into tears. Baekhyun gathers him in his arms and hugs him tight. How could he have thought that Baekhyun would ever look differently at him just because his relationship didn’t work out? He should have known better and shouldn’t have allowed his fear and loneliness to form such thoughts and make decisions for him. He grips Baekhyun tighter.
“I’m sorry,” Yixing whispers.
“Stop saying sorry,” Baekhyun half-heartedly chides, pulling away. Yixing can see the tears in his best friend’s eyes. “But I accept,” he continues, shoving him slightly. “I can’t believe you would ever think that I would be upset with what happened.”
Yixing merely gives him a sheepish smile and Baekhyun rolls his eyes. He settles back to his original position and grabs the remote. He’s about to press play when he frowns.
“How come Joonmyun knew about this first?” Baekhyun demands.
☙❧☙
“You don’t want to go to Jongdae’s art gallery opening,” Baekhyun repeats slowly, watching as Yixing stares out of the window of his apartment.
“I’ll go some other day,” Yixing insists, not bothering to turn around to tell Baekhyun to his face because he’s a coward.
“Gallery openings happen in one night, that’s why they’re called openings and that’s why they have cocktails and have press over,” Baekhyun explains uselessly. These are things that Yixing knows and Baekhyun’s confused as to why, of all things he could miss, he’s missing out on one of their friend’s milestones.
“I just feel like staying home tonight,” Yixing mutters. He leans his head against the glass and looks at the sparkling lights of car moving down on the streets of Seoul.
Moving on with life after the life that he’s always known is pulled under him without warning is one of the most difficult things that Yixing’s ever had to go through. He’s having trouble with his work, trouble with doing daily activities, dealing with friends. He’s having trouble just getting up in the morning. When he wakes up in the morning, he sees the empty space beside his bed and is reminded everyday that Kyungsoo left him and that he’s alone.
“Yixing,” Baekhyun sighs quietly.
“Baekhyun, I really don’t want to talk about it,” Yixing desperately pleads.
Baekhyun spends a couple of seconds shifting his weight from one foot to the other before Yixing is making his way over to him for a hug. Baekhyun clings onto Yixing as if he’s the one in need of the support.
“I’m here,” Baekhyun tells him softly. “I’m here.”
“I know you are,” Yixing recognizes, voice muffled through Baekhyun’s hair. He inhales deeply and holds onto Baekhyun, onto the only seemingly grounded part of his life. No matter how much he doesn’t want to open up to Baekhyun, he knows that Baekhyun will understand and will always be there for him.
Baekhyun sighs and pulls away. He looks Yixing in the eyes and gently pats his cheek, showing him that just because they’re best friends, doesn’t mean that Yixing has an obligation to tell Baekhyun everything. “Well, Chanyeol and I should go then,” he says, walking over to his husband. “If you need anything-“
“I’ll call,” Yixing promises him.
“We’ll send Jongdae your congratulations,” Chanyeol adds. Yixing shoots him a grateful smile.
Yixing watches, his back against the windowsill, as Chanyeol helps Baekhyun put his coat on. He does feel awful that he won’t be able to witness Jongdae being smug over his artistic achievements. Because, despite Jongdae being full of himself, he is actually really talented and truly deserves every bit of success that he’s getting. But Yixing knows that Kyungsoo will be there, because Kyungsoo had promised Jongdae a long time ago that he would write an article for him when the time came.
Baekhyun’s giggling snaps Yixing out of his reverie. Chanyeol has wrapped the scarf in such a way that half of Baekhyun’s face ended up covered. Now, Chanyeol is slowly unwinding the scarf and when Baekhyun’s mouth is revealed, he swoops down and captures Baekhyun’s lips in a kiss. Baekhyun stands on his toes and presses up against him. The moment is so familiar, so intimate, that Yixing wonders how many times they kiss like this in a day, like they couldn’t ever get enough of each other.
Before Yixing manages to clear his throat to remind them that they have an audience, Baekhyun pulls away and slaps Chanyeol’s arm. He then glances over at Yixing, a sheepish, but clearly happy, smile on his face.
“We’re going,” Baekhyun assures him, pulling a laughing Chanyeol out of the apartment.
And Yixing can’t find himself to feel upset at the fact that Baekhyun’s love life is intact compared to his. Because one should never feel apologetic over showing how much you love someone, which is exactly how Baekhyun is, and, for that, he just feels an overwhelming sense of happiness for his best friend. At least one of them is happy.
There was a time when Yixing was the one in a blissful relationship and Baekhyun was hung over a guy whom he thought was the one. He thinks back to how Baekhyun never once told him to not ‘flaunt’ his relationship with Kyungsoo to his face, which Yixing would never do anyway. The very least he can do is give Baekhyun the same freedom he’d been bestowed with once.
Yixing makes his way to the kitchen to make himself something to eat. It’s lucky that he’s always known how to cook. Kyungsoo had always been the one to prepare meals for them when they were together because Kyungsoo was like that. He liked to be in charge when it came to food. He opens the cupboards and realizes that all condiments are ones that Kyungsoo had bought for when he needed to make his favourites things that ended up being Yixing’s favourites, too. One by one, he drops them into the trash bin.
When he’s done, he looks at all the kitchen cupboards. Everything is empty. It eerily reflects how Yixing is because, if there is a place in the apartment that Kyungsoo spent the most time on, it’s the kitchen. And now that it’s stripped of everything Kyungsoo, it’s bare.
Takeout for dinner then. He picks up the phone to dial the nearest Chinese restaurant when the doorbell rings.
There are a number of people he thinks could be behind the door; maybe Baekhyun, forgetting something, or the old next-door neighbour, who thinks that this is her apartment again.
“Joonmyun,” Yixing blurts out. He opens the door wider and watches as Joonmyun turns around to smile at him as he closes the door. “What are you doing here? Why aren’t you at Jongdae’s?”
Joonmyun shrugs and raises his eyebrows at him. “Why aren’t you?” When Yixing doesn’t answer, he lifts up the two paper bags he has in his hands. Clearly food. “You hungry? I got these on the way.” He makes his way to the kitchen and Yixing follows him without a word.
Yixing and Joonmyun aren’t the closest of friends, even when they started moving around the same circles. Joonmyun is mostly Baekhyun’s friend, as almost all of them are. Although, there was a time when they hung out a lot, random meetings turning into regular ones. But then, he met Kyungsoo and somehow Joonmyun just faded away from his life.
“It’s a good thing I brought food over,” Joonmyun says, eyeing the trash bin and the empty cupboards and fridge.
“Why are you here, Joonmyun?” Yixing asks from the doorway. “It’s Jongdae’s gallery opening. I’m sure he expects you to be there.”
Joonmyun looks up and smiles at him. “He really doesn’t,” he assures him. “He’s always known that I’m not a big fan of art.” He chuckles when Yixing gapes at him.
Once upon a time, Joonmyun and Jongdae had dated. They had seemed happy and in love, until one day they announced that they had broken up and decided to be just friends. There was a time when both Jongdae and Joonmyun pretended not to avoid each other but never really attended things when the other was there. It was weird for everyone because they knew better than to take sides. And then one day it just wasn’t weird. During Sehun’s birthday, Jongdae showed up just after Joonmyun did.
“But you’ve always gone to his events,” Yixing presses, finally walking into the kitchen and standing on the other side of the counter, where Joonmyun’s putting the takeout food into plates.
Joonmyun continues smiling. “Because we were together,” he reminds him. “I wanted to support him. It was what made him happy.” He hands him his plate. “Eat.”
They move to the living room, where Joonmyun has turned the television on. One of those popular dramas is playing, but Yixing isn’t really paying attention, his food left untouched on the table, because he keeps on thinking back to his earlier conversation with Joonmyun.
“I didn’t care when Kyungsoo left the country all the time,” Yixing starts, leaning back on the couch. “It was a part of his job and I knew he liked to travel.” Kyungsoo was barely home, staying only two to three days a week in the apartment before he was headed to some other part of the country or the world. But that didn’t mean that Yixing was always happy about it. “Sometimes I wonder if it was because of that why this happened. Maybe he thinks I didn’t care enough.”
“Kyungsoo’s known you for so many years,” Joonmyun responds softly. “It’s impossible that he didn’t know that you cared.”
Yixing sighs. “I don’t believe that anymore,” he quietly states. “Time isn’t an indicator of anything. Just because you’ve known someone for a long time, doesn’t mean that you know them.”
☙❧☙
Yixing has always drawn his feelings. He’s drawn balloons and smiling faces when he was seven when his family brought him to the carnival for the first time. He’s drawn a lot of people sketches, mostly one with wide eyes and full lips, because most of what he’s felt the past few years could be traced back to Kyungsoo. Now, there doesn’t seem to be anything to draw. He shifts some papers on his desk and sighs when all he sees are empty sheets. Drawing has never been a problem for him. If you asked him to draw something, he’d do it in an instant, which has been his big asset for his job. Whenever his boss ran out of ideas on how to illustrate book covers, he’d always left it to Yixing’s care and he’s never ran across any problems with it. Until now.
He takes his phone out and scrolls through his contacts list to find Baekhyun’s number. His thumb is hovering on the name when he suddenly changes his mind and scrolls down a bit further before pressing his thumb down.
“Yixing?” Joonmyun’s comes through and Yixing is seized with surprise. What had come over him that he decided to call Joonmyun, of all people? “Is everything okay? Hello?”
“Yeah,” Yixing jumps back to attention and sighing. He knows why he called Joonmyun. Joonmyun has barely left his side throughout this whole ordeal. He’s always coming over his apartment, bringing food and DVDs and games. Most of the time, though, and it’s the thing that Yixing appreciates the most, Joonmyun brings himself and gives Yixing his undivided attention. “Nothing, it’s nothing. Sorry I called. You must be busy-”
“I’m picking you up in a bit,” Joonmyun interrupts him gently. There’s a pause as Yixing’s brows furrow in confusion. “Jongin’s recital?” he prompts him. “You’re not backing out, are you?”
“Right,” Yixing remembers. He’s promised Joonmyun that he will finally come out of his own form of seclusion and actually see people who aren’t Joonmyun and who aren’t his officemates. “Of course I’m not.”
“I was thinking we can drop by Jongdae’s gallery before we go to the theatre,” Joonmyun continues. “We still haven’t gone and I thought it would be a good idea for us to go. Jongdae said he’d personally walk us through it. What do you think?”
“Sure,” Yixing easily agrees with Joonmyun, which is something he’s noticed he’s been doing a lot. It’s not that he always has the same opinion as him. He just believes that Joonmyun wouldn’t do anything or suggest him to do anything that would deliberately hurt him. In the past couple of weeks, he’s learned to trust Joonmyun enormously. There isn’t any other person who’s practically held his hand through this heartbreak, aside from Baekhyun. “I’ll see you in a while then.”
Yixing wonders about this trust in Joonmyun when they arrive at Jongdae’s art gallery and finds Kyungsoo there. In his haste to please Joonmyun with his recovery, he’d forgotten that his heart was still on the mend. Joonmyun finds his hand and squeezes it and Yixing looks up. Kyungsoo is making his way to them and he’s not alone. A way taller male, with attractive blonde hair that falls down to his eyebrows, is beside him, a protective, large hand on Kyungsoo’s back. Yixing swallows in panic and turns to Joonmyun, but Joonmyun just squeezes his hand once more, an encouraging smile on his face.
“Hi,” Kyungsoo greets and Yixing can hear the uncertainty lurking underneath his cheerful greeting. His eyes flit towards Yixing then Joonmyun then down to their clasped hands. “I didn’t know that anyone else was coming.” He glances at Jongdae, who looks away.
“Yeah,” Joonmyun answers for both of them. “We just decided to stop by before we headed over to Jongin’s show.”
Kyungsoo chuckles. “Well, what do you know? We’re actually headed there after this as well.”
Yixing takes a furtive deep breath. Kyungsoo looks good. As if he hasn’t just broken up with the love of his life just two months ago, as if his life hasn’t changed with just one word, as if his heart didn’t break. The way Yixing’s did. He looks happy, happier than Yixing has seen him in a while.
“This is Wu Fan,” Kyungsoo then introduces the male by his side. “He’s my photographer. He’s the one who comes with me on assignments.”
Joonmyun tightens his hold on his hand as Yixing looks at Wu Fan with renewed interest. He’s known that Kyungsoo always travels with a photographer, but Kyungsoo hasn’t once talked about him or even mentioned his name. He supposes he can guess why with how naturally Kyungsoo leans towards him.
“Joonmyun,” Joonmyun speaks up, shaking Wu Fan’s hand. He turns to Yixing. “This is-“
“Yixing,” Yixing decides to introduce himself, reaching his hand out. “We’re…Kyungsoo’s friends. From college.” It’s amazing how he even manages to smile when he feels the glue that had been so painstakingly put to piece his heart back together cracking.
“Nice to meet you,” Wu Fan says, eyebrows slightly raised. “Kyungsoo talks about you guys a lot. Especially you, Yixing.” Kyungsoo touches Wu Fan’s arm probably in some form of warning and Yixing can’t take it.
“Excuse me,” Yixing bows hastily and exits the room.
Joonmyun is on his heels, placing a comforting hand on his back. Yixing reaches back to grab his hand in his. It takes him a couple of minutes to calm down, to find solid ground, and stand straight again. When he does, he looks at Joonmyun and traces the concern on his face with his eyes.
“I’m okay,” Yixing assures him. For some reason, with Joonmyun, he always thinks he’ll always be okay.
“We don’t have to go to Jongin’s,” Joonmyun tells him. “We can just-“
“I said I’m okay,” Yixing insists. “Jongin is expecting us to be there. Let’s go.”
He doesn’t let go of Joonmyun’s hand the whole evening.
☙❧☙
Yixing leans back on Baekhyun’s and, he supposes, Chanyeol’s, marble kitchen counter and watches as Minseok’s ass practically lands right in Chanyeol’s face, while Jongdae laughs uncontrollably with how Zitao’s breath keeps on tickling his ear. On the other side, Jongin’s, Lu Han’s, and Sehun’s limbs are all entangled. He supposes this is what happens after a round of Twister.
“What are you doing all the way here?” Baekhyun sides up next to him, lifting himself up to sit on the counter.
“Just watching,” Yixing responds, laughing as Chanyeol wrinkles his nose when Minseok wiggles his backside right on his face.
“Yah! Minseok, you better watch it!” Baekhyun yells possessively, eyes twinkling with laughter. Yixing laughs harder when Sehun tries to move his hand to the yellow circle and ends up toppling all of them to the ground. Baekhyun looks at Yixing in some sort of surprise. “You’re laughing,” he says in wonder.
“We have the dumbest friends,” Yixing gestures to the pile of human bodies in the living room.
“I know but…” Baekhyun bites his lip. “I haven’t seen you laugh like this in a long time. I mean, especially since Kyungsoo’s…” He trails away, glancing back at the living room, where Kyungsoo’s laughing, almost sitting in Wu Fan's lap.
After that first meeting in Jongdae’s art gallery, Yixing finds Kyungsoo and Wu Fan in all of their group gatherings. Apparently, Kyungsoo had been bringing Wu Fan along, while Yixing’s been hiding with Joonmyun in his apartment. He wasn’t quite sure how to deal with this information in the beginning. Kyungsoo had dropped him so easily that he couldn’t help but think that maybe Wu Fan was the reason why Kyungsoo didn’t want to get married to him, why, all of a sudden, he and Kyungsoo weren’t looking in the same direction for their relationship anymore. In hindsight, that's probably it. And Yixing can see why. Wu Fan looks every bit of the man that Kyungsoo needs in his life, someone strong, influential, confident, and protective. Yixing is just an illustrator, what could he have given Kyungsoo if he had agreed to get married to him. Nothing. Nothing like Wu Fan can give him.
“Yixing, don’t,” Baekhyun interrupts his thoughts. He meets his eyes. “You are a great person and are not a lesser man than Wu Fan.”
Yixing’s lips quirk into a small smile. “Did you ever think it would be like this? I’ve always thought it would be us four, you, me, Chanyeol and Kyungsoo,” he shares. “We were going to have houses beside each other and let our kids, if and when we did have them, play with each other, send them to the same schools and maybe travel together.” He takes a deep breath. “I didn’t think…I never thought it would end up like this.”
Baekhyun scoots closer to Yixing and wraps an arm around his shoulders, resting his head on top of his. “Those things can still happen,” he quietly says. “It doesn’t have to be with Kyungsoo. I mean, have you looked around?”
Yixing scoffs and nudges his best friend in the ribs. “I’m not exactly fit to date right now,” he reminds him. “I’m still…” He glances at Kyungsoo and how his small hand rests on Wu Fan’s nape. “It still hurts sometimes.”
“But it hurts less, right?” Baekhyun asks.
“Yes,” Yixing nods. “It does.” He smiles a little and shakes his head, making Baekhyun lift his. “I don’t even know how I got to this point.”
It does hurt significantly less than it did before. His heart seems to have begun really patching itself up, the pieces carefully mending together, the cracks disappearing gradually. If he were put in this very moment a couple of months ago, he thinks he would have burst into tears just at the thought that Kyungsoo had replaced him so easily even when they were still together. Right now, his heart still feels tinges of pain, but it’s become muffled, like it’s wrapped in cotton and he can’t feel it as much. He can even talk to Kyungsoo civilly now, even Wu Fan.
“I do,” Baekhyun tells him with a soft but knowing smile.
Yixing follows Baekhyun’s line of sight and sees Joonmyun, head tipped back, hand covering his face, trying to suppress the laughter that’s clearly bubbling out of him. Joonmyun, who almost falls off the couch as he finally lets go and laughs as hard as he can. Joonmyun, who checks on him at random times of the day, who makes sure all the time that he’s eaten, and sneaks in cooked food into his fridge when he thinks Yixing’s not looking. Joonmyun, who holds his hand even if he doesn’t need to.
“I think you know it, too,” Baekhyun says, a teasing note in his voice.
“Baekhyun,” Yixing is startled at what his best friend is implying, “don’t-this isn’t-“
“Relax,” Baekhyun laughs, placing a calming hand on his shoulder. “I’m not pushing this to be anything. All I’m saying is that you’ve spent a lot of time with him these past months and allowed him to help you without realizing it. I mean, you haven’t spent this much time with him since we were freshmen in university.”
Yixing looks back at Joonmyun, who has finally calmed down and is standing up to help pack up the game. Time with Joonmyun, even back when they were still students, is something he’s always enjoyed. There is just something about him that makes you feel relaxed and happy, even if it’s just sitting down in a rundown coffee shop, talking about nothing in particular.
Joonmyun looks up and smiles when their gazes meet. Yixing smiles back.
☙❧☙
“Where are we going?”
Joonmyun merely smiles mysteriously at him from the driver’s seat and looks back at the road. It was just 8:30am and Yixing had just woken up when Joonmyun had arrived at his apartment and told him he was whisking him away. They’ve been on the road for close to an hour now and Joonmyun still hasn’t told him where they are headed.
Joonmyun chuckles when Yixing huffs and looks out of the window. “Can’t I just want to take you away?”
Yixing looks backs at him, blinking in surprise. “You want to take me away?”
Joonmyun laughs, but he swallows nervously. “You need to get away,” he says instead. “We all do sometimes.”
“Joonmyun,” Yixing starts.
“You’ve had a rough past couple of months, Xing,” Joonmyun maintains, eyes focused on the road. “I don’t know why I hadn’t thought of doing this before when you clearly needed it more back then.”
“I know why,” Yixing shakes his head. “I needed to face what was happening head on. I couldn’t just leave and hope that it would all go away, because it wouldn’t. Taking me away then would’ve just prolonged the pain even more.” He slowly and somewhat hesitatingly reaches for Joonmyun’s hand on the stick shift. “You were just looking out for me the way you knew how.” He pauses for a second, eyes shifting away before shifting back towards Joonmyun again. “Like you’ve always seemed to know how.”
Yixing doesn’t miss the fact that Joonmyun knows exactly when to push him and when to pull back. Even if he was around all the time, Yixing never once felt smothered with too much concern or affection. Joonmyun let him deal with his pain and never once took it upon himself to carry it for him. He never babied him, and that is something that he would have expected from Baekhyun, because Baekhyun has been his best friend for a long time. But not from someone like Joonmyun, who hasn’t known him as long as Baekhyun had and who isn’t as close to him as Baekhyun is.
“No one deserves to feel like this,” Joonmyun softly responds, squeezing his hand back before letting go. “I know it’s a fact of life, but having your love thrown back in your face like it is nothing is just…” He trails away and just tightens his grip on the steering wheel.
“Have you ever felt like this, Joonmyun?” Yixing curiously asks. He’s never known of any other person that was in Joonmyun’s life aside from Jongdae. But from the way he talks, it seems like there was someone else.
Joonmyun is quiet for a bit, before he chuckles lightly and shakes his head. “No,” he answers. “Not like this.”
Joonmyun exits the highway shortly after and Yixing is distracted by how indifferently Joonmyun had answered his question. They enter a gated winding road and pass a lot of tall trees and flowered expanses of grass. There are fountains and marble statues and pillars.
“What is this place?” Yixing asks in wonder.
“It’s a resort that’s opening some time next month,” Joonmyun shares as they stop in front of the lobby. He gets out without turning off the engine, moving around the car to open the door for Yixing. “It’s one of the projects I’ve been working on and I wanted to show you around.”
“Show me,” Yixing encourages him and Joonmyun grins, taking his hand in his.
Joonmyun is more amazing at his job than Yixing thought. Yixing watches him as he explains the concept of the resort, all the details and the client requests, the things he hopes can be executed, and sees how his eyes twinkle with excitement and passion. He can’t help but think about how Joonmyun had managed to even make time with him with all the work he has on his plate.
“This is my favorite part,” Joonmyun gestures up to the structure towering over them.
Yixing has seen the hotel proper, looked at some of the rooms, played a bit of billiards and bowling in the game room, dipped his hand into one of the pools, and eaten delicious food in the restaurant, among other things. Joonmyun was tireless in showing him around and explaining each detail and thought process that went into the design of each area. Now they’re standing at the foot of what seems like a lighthouse.
“Are you up for it?” Joonmyun asks him, pointing at the stairs.
Yixing smirks and pushes Joonmyun slightly before running. “Race you!”
☙❧☙
Yixing is practically slumped to the floor, the wall the only thing holding him up. Beside him, Joonmyun is the same, eyes closed, sweaty bangs clinging to his forehead. Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to have run all the way to the top of the lighthouse, especially at their age. He nudges Joonmyun with an elbow and such a light touch would have sent him toppling over if Yixing hadn’t reached out and wrapped an arm around him.
“Remind me never to listen to you again,” Joonmyun wheezes.
“You didn’t have to be so competitive about it,” Yixing teases. He chuckles as he remembers the pained but determined look on Joonmyun’s face as he pushed himself to continued running.
“I wasn’t going to get left behind,” Joonmyun scoffs, finally openings his eyes and nudging Yixing back.
“Competitive,” Yixing repeats, smiling a little, pulling him closer and resting his head on top of Joonmyun’s. He thinks he feels Joonmyun stiffen but doesn’t think anything of it. “You’re an amazing architect, Joonmyun. This is a really nice resort. How do you even make this happen? How do you make your vision a reality?”
“This is easy,” Joonmyun says, lifting his head and pulling away. “But it’s not like I can make all my dreams come true.”
Joonmyun pushes himself off the floor before Yixing can say anything. He follows Joonmyun out into the balcony. Here, they can see the stretch of the resort, the pools, the golf courses, the beach, and the sea, which looks beautiful with the sun setting. They lean against the railing and Yixing looks up at the sky.
The past months have been such a journey, one that he had never expected he would take. There were moments when he thought he wasn’t going to make it because it hurt too much, moments that confused him to no end. It made him question the things he’d done and decisions he’d made in the past. Instead of answers, he’s only gotten more questions, but, somehow, he’s learned to take it in stride and not dwell on them too much. Now, he feels more normal. Sometimes it’s like the pain wasn’t there in the first place. But it’s not only that. There are even times when he feels happiness. It comes in the form of a faint fluttering in his chest that he thinks he’s once felt when he and Kyungsoo had started dating.
Maybe Baekhyun’s right. He glances at Joonmyun, who staring intently at the sky.
“Why do you look so serious?” Yixing teases.
“I’m trying to find cloud formations,” Joonmyun shushes him like it’s a serious thing. “I always have a hard time finding one.”
Yixing stands behind Joonmyun and takes his right hand, raising it with his to the sky. Using Joonmyun’s fingertips, he leisurely traces an elephant’s head, a car, a tree, a bunny, and even an ice cream sundae. Soon enough, Joonmyun is tracing cloud formations on his own with Yixing resting his hands on the railing on either side of him, his chin on Joonmyun’s shoulder. He smiles when Joonmyun’s excited squeaks reach his ears when he finds another formation.
“Do you believe in the saying every cloud has a silver lining?” Yixing breaks the comfortable silence. He moves away from behind Joonmyun to stand beside him again, looking curiously at him.
Joonmyun puts his hand back down on the railing and meets his gaze. “Don’t you?”
“I don’t know, not really I guess. I’ve never had the chance to test the theory,” Yixing quietly shares, eyes falling to his hand resting closely beside Joonmyun’s smaller one. “Until now.”
“What do you mean?” Joonmyun’s voice is soft, guarded.
Yixing isn’t sure what to say, doesn’t quite know how to explain himself, but he tries anyway. “Can silver linings come in the form of a person? Like,” he takes a deep breath and pushes on, “someone, who doesn’t have to be around, but stays anyway, and makes things feel better, easier, happier. Someone who smiles all the time, holds your hand and doesn’t only say that things will be okay, but makes sure that it will be.”
“Yixing,” Joonmyun starts, mouth parted open in surprise.
Yixing swallows nervously, thinking that he shouldn’t have said anything. “I’m just saying…I’m grateful,” he sincerely declares.
“You don’t have to thank me,” Joonmyun shakes his head, still looking amazed. “I wanted to do it. I mean, even if I hadn’t accidentally found out about what happened.”
“I know,” Yixing says, looking intently at him. “That’s why you’re the silver lining in all of this.”
Joonmyun blushes a pretty red and Yixing has to bite back an uneasy laugh. Maybe it was too much to say all at once. But then Joonmyun looks away with a small smile on his face and Yixing almost deflates in some sort of relief.
“I haven’t seen these many cloud formations before,” Joonmyun speaks, sounding breathless. “I’ve never had before.” He inches his hand close to Yixing’s and affectionately links their pinkies together.
Yixing smiles because he knows what Joonmyun is saying.
The possibilities are endless.
Here's the amazing art by scarredknees. I love it so much. ;w;
Author's Notes:
Thank you to those who've read and commented on this. Really. ^^ I wanted to especially thank loudestoflove because she was patient and incredibly nice to me, which I don't deserve, while she was beta-ing this. Thank you also to drainbamage954 for the support and for being an amazing wife, and to all those who listened to me whine about my bb fic. You are all amazing. <3
EXO | Lay/Suho | PG-13 | 9,684w
Romance, Angst
Sometimes love starts with a break-up.
Entry for sncj_bigbang, originally posted here.
Silver Linings
Yixing smiles as he puts on his newly tailored suit. He moves his arms, checking the length of the sleeves, as well as the length of the jacket. The pants seem comfortable enough to not rip when he sits down. All in all, it seems that it looks-
“Perfect,” Baekhyun comments from behind him, his hands on Yixing’s arms. He smiles as he turns Yixing around to face him and fixes the collar of his long-sleeved shirt, as well as the lapels of the coat. “It looks perfect. You look perfect.”
Yixing nods and swallows nervously, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down in his throat. That’s exactly what he’s going for: perfection. He wants everything that’s going to happen from this moment onwards to be just right. He turns around and faces Baekhyun, who’s watching him with amusement.
“Baekhyun, I don’t know how to thank-“ Yixing begins.
“Please,” Baekhyun waves him off, making his way out of the dressing room so Yixing can change back into his own clothes. “You wanted the best suit, I found you the best suit.”
“But you didn’t have to,” Yixing continues, coming out when he’s changed. “You’re not in the even working anymore. You’re-“
“Domesticated, I know,” Baekhyun finishes for him with a giggle. He reaches for Yixing’s hands and takes a deep and happy breath. “When he says yes-“
Yixing makes a face at him. “You don’t even know if he will-“
“When he says yes,” Baekhyun maintains pointedly, squeezing his hands, “he will jump into your arms and you will kiss and then have amazing sex-“
“Baekhyun,” Yixing groans.
“-and then it will be chaos,” Baekhyun persists. “It will be months of wedding preparations, of looking for the perfect pieces to your wedding. Like will you get married in a church, or have a garden wedding or just have a legal union? The point is-“
“Church. I think he’d like to get married in a church,” Yixing interrupts, a wistful smile on his face. “Just like his parents did.” He smiles as he imagines Kyungsoo walking down the red-carpeted aisle, grumpily holding a small flower bouquet, but smiling happily nevertheless because finally, finally, they’re getting married, something they’ve always talked about since university.
“Okay,” Baekhyun nods. His face spasms for a second before he’s hugging Yixing tightly.
If Yixing doesn’t know any better, he’d think that there’s something wrong with Baekhyun and his face. But he does know better. “Baek,” he chuckles, hugging him back with just as much fervor. “I’m not going away.”
“But you’re getting married!” Baekhyun pulls away. “That is like going away. It’s a whole new life.”
“You got married,” Yixing reminds him. “You’re still here.”
“I’m a househusband,” Baekhyun tells him as he helps Yixing hang his suit back on the rack. “I clean the apartment, organize his things, and manage his appointments. I do the groceries; choose food that is healthy for him. I cook for crying out loud. From a marketing executive, I’ve become… this. It is like going away for a new life.”
“But you love it,” Yixing calls him out on his dramatic tirade. “You love it. Because of that big baby ape that you call the love of your life.”
“Chanyeol,” Baekhyun affectionately states. “And yes, I do love him and I love what I am now because of him.”
Yixing watches as Baekhyun smiles as he thinks about Chanyeol. Yixing has known Baekhyun since the summer before university started. They had worked at the same bookstore, where they shelved books to earn some cash. Baekhyun was driven, such a hard worker and so passionate about the marketing profession that Yixing was incredibly surprised when he found out that Baekhyun had agreed to marry Chanyeol and settle down with him. But Baekhyun knew what he wanted in a relationship and in love more than anyone Yixing’s known. His job made him incredibly busy, making no time for healthy relationships or even family. But when he met Chanyeol, all of that changed.
Yixing wants that, too. He wants that kind of life, that kind of love. The kind that is unconditional and steadfast and warm and comfortable, the kind that you want to come home to after a long day at work, the kind that you’d be willing to give up things for. Yixing has found that in Kyungsoo. They’ve been together for almost six years and he believes that it’s time for them to settle down and start the rest of their lives together.
“You will have that, too,” Baekhyun assures him. “You and Kyungsoo have been together for so long that it’s crazy not to see you two together.”
“Thanks, Baek,” Yixing pulls his best friend into another hug.
Baekhyun beams up at him. “I want to be the first person that you call after the proposal,” he insists. “And I want to be the one to help you plan for things. I’m sure Kyungsoo won’t mind.”
“Kyungsoo won’t have a choice, I think,” Yixing teases him. “But yes,” he promises when Baekhyun slaps his arm, “I will call you right after. If he says yes.”
Baekhyun rolls his eyes. “You guys are in love. What reason is there for him not to say yes?”
☙❧☙
There are a lot of reasons for a person to say no to a marriage proposal. They’re not ready, they don’t see a life with you, they have commitment issues, or their job doesn’t permit it… Yixing is sure there are more. But it all just boils down to one thing. Love. It’s either the love isn’t enough or the love isn’t there anymore. I don’t love you enough to marry you and spend the rest of my life tied to you.
And he thinks that’s exactly what Kyungsoo means when he just stares at him in surprise right after he pops the question.
“Yixing,” Kyungsoo speaks up, recovering from his silence. He shifts in his seat, lightly drumming his fingertips through the wine glass within his reach. “You just caught me by surprise.”
Yixing leans back on his seat, hand tightly clenched. Kyungsoo had arrived in the restaurant looking handsome in his dark suit. He had sat down, putting his bag down beside his seat, and looked around curiously, obviously wondering what they were doing there. Yixing had taken them to the restaurant where they had their first date, when Yixing was a struggling university student, who’d starved himself just to be able to bring Kyungsoo to a classy restaurant because he felt he deserved no less.
Kyungsoo had giggled back then, had gushed at the sophistication and luxury of the place. Yixing had assured him that everything was taken cared of, that Kyungsoo didn’t have to worry about anything. It was a promise that Yixing had made sure to carry on all throughout their life together.
“I guess I should have known what was going to happen when you told me we were having dinner here,” Kyungsoo goes on with a soft sigh.
“What was going to happen,” Yixing repeats. “You say that like you’ve been dreading it.”
There was a time when Kyungsoo had gushed about marriage, about what their life would be like together, about the kind of house they’d live in, what they’d do on their nights in. They even talked about kids and making sure that their jobs never interfered with family. They had so many plans, so many dreams together. Yixing’s whole future revolved on the fact that he would have Kyungsoo by his side.
Now he’s not sure where he stands. He’s not sure about his life anymore.
“It’s not like that,” Kyungsoo is quick to correct him. “Just…I wasn’t sure we were going down this path anymore.”
Something clenches at Yixing’s heart as he wracks his brain for any sign that he might have given that he never wanted to marry Kyungsoo, that he didn’t want this kind of life with him. He thought they were on the same page on this. They have been together for over five years.
“We’ve always talked about this,” Yixing reminds him. “We’ve always-“
“I know, but so many things have changed,” Kyungsoo says and Yixing knows that he’s talking about all the days they haven’t seen each other because of their jobs, of Kyungsoo traveling back and forth for his, of the nights they just slept beside each other because they were too tired. “Yixing, I’m not saying no-“
“You aren’t saying yes either,” Yixing responds. “In fact, you’re not saying anything. And don’t lie to me.” Kyungsoo stills in his seat. “I know you better than anyone. Don’t lie to spare my feelings.”
Yixing stares at his plate, steak and mashed potatoes half-eaten, peas scattered beside it. He’d learned how to cook steak when he found out that Kyungsoo enjoyed it so much. He made sure to make it and serve it during their anniversaries. He figured why not have the original for the start of a big change in their lives.
“I’m sorry, Yixing,” Kyungsoo finally admits. “I thought I wanted this.” He reaches out across the table for Yixing’s hand. He tugs at it so Yixing would look at him. “I do love you, and I do want to get married just-“
“Not with me,” Yixing finishes in a whisper. He averts his gaze when Kyungsoo lets go of his hand. “Because you don’t love me enough.”
☙❧☙
Yixing is standing in the middle of the apartment, staring into space, when Baekhyun’s call comes. It takes him a couple of seconds to answer, even wondering whether he should because he knows that Baekhyun is going to ask about the proposal.
“Yeah,” he finally answers, closing his eyes.
“You told me you’d call me!” Baekhyun’s annoyed but excited voice comes through. “What happened? Did he squeal like a girl? Did he like the ring? Have you guys had hot sex yet?”
Yixing slowly counts to ten in his head. Baekhyun is his best friend. He’s seen his friendship with Kyungsoo blossom into a relationship. He’d helped Yixing plan their dates, made sure that things went off without a hitch, and even scared off some potential suitors. Even when they were already out of university, Baekhyun took time out of his incredibly busy schedule to come over whenever he and Kyungsoo were having a fight or whenever he wanted to do something special for him. Baekhyun was the biggest supporter of his relationship with Kyungsoo. How can Yixing let him down?
How can Yixing tell Baekhyun that Kyungsoo has just moved out of the apartment they’ve been living in for the whole of their relationship? How can he tell Baekhyun that the love of his life was gone, taking everything, including Yixing’s heart with him?
“I was just about to call you, actually,” Yixing’s voice breaks but he covers it up with a chuckle. He finds the couch and sinks into it.
“Well what happened? Tell me!” Baekhyun giggles in anticipation. “Is he there? I’m not interrupting anything, am I? I’d really rather not get in the middle of you sexing Kyungsoo up.”
Yixing squeezes his eyes, forcing back the tears that were leaking his true feelings to the outside world. He struggles with telling Baekhyun the truth because he is his best friend and deserves to know what really happened. But then, Baekhyun, who is living the life that he’s always wanted with the man of his dreams, would be distressed if he ever finds out because, aside from Yixing, there’s no one else in the world who wants him to have his happy ending.
“He liked the ring,” Yixing hopes his sob comes out as a giggle. “He thought doing the proposal at the restaurant where we had our first date was a bit cheesy, but he loved it anyway.” He pauses for a second because he feels like he’s about to cry out. “He said yes.” He takes a deep breath and buries his face in one hand, as his other one clutches the phone rigidly.
Yixing can barely hear Baekhyun when he says, “Of course he did. He loves you.”
“Yeah,” Yixing replies. “Baek, I have to go-“
“Yes, yes, of course,” Baekhyun immediately responds. “I’m sure you guys want to bask in the proposal afterglow. Don’t mind me. We’ll talk tomorrow.” Yixing’s about to hang up when Baekhyun tells him, “Xing, I’m really happy for you.”
Yixing is surprised that he has enough strength to fake a laugh. “Me, too.”
Yixing slowly puts the phone down on the table; the living room table that used to have Kyungsoo’s articles strewn all over it, his laptop always opened, with a mug of coffee. He chokes on the sob at the back of his throat and curls into himself on the couch, where he and Kyungsoo had cuddled as they watched movies and Korean dramas.
He closes his eyes and forces himself to sleep, hoping that, when he wakes up, this will all have been a bad dream.
☙❧☙
There is no fast track to getting over a break-up. Yixing learns this one week later, after trying various things like taking up boxing, going to support groups to talk his feelings out, watching happy movies or going to karaoke bars. Drinking helps. A bit. It doesn’t really make the pain go away. It just numbs him to it, at the very least.
“Hey,” Yixing calls the bartender. He raises his glass of scotch, requesting for another one.
He still hasn’t told anyone. Not even Baekhyun. Somehow, he just can’t bring himself to say, “Hey, Kyungsoo and I broke up. I proposed but he said no. Just thought you should know” to anyone who knows them, to anyone who might have thought they’d end up together. He’s been avoiding Baekhyun’s calls. Sometimes he answers them, only to say that he’s too busy and that can they please please talk about Kyungsoo and the wedding later. Or never.
He gulps half the new glass of the scotch poured for him and leans against the bar. There are so many reasons he shouldn’t drown his heartbreak in alcohol. But he hasn’t really listened to reason ever since Kyungsoo decided Yixing wasn’t good enough for him. At the very least, he’s glad that alcohol helps him somehow, and makes sure that he doesn’t burst into tears or make him jump off a building to just make it stop.
“Yixing?”
Yixing stares for a bit before he’s blurting out, “Joonmyun!” He looks behind him to see if he’s with anyone. “You’re alone.”
“I am,” Joonmyun slides onto the seat next to his. “What are you doing here?”
Yixing shrugs. “Unwinding,” he vaguely answers. “What are you doing here?”
“I helped design the place,” Joonmyun tells him, nodding at the bartender to hit him up with a drink. “I come here sometimes just to hang out.” He smiles his thanks before taking a sip of his drink. “Where’s Kyungsoo?” Yixing stiffens. “I heard about your engagement. Congratulations!”
Yixing closes his eyes for a second and wills himself to focus on his breathing. He figures Baekhyun would have told everyone about his proposal. And, of course, just like Baekhyun, everyone predicted that it would go as planned. He realizes with a jolt that Joonmyun congratulating him means that Kyungsoo hasn’t told anyone about their break-up. This sends a shock akin to hope through his body. He finishes his drink in one toss and asks for another one.
“Everything okay?” There’s concern in Joonmyun’s eyes, but there’s a smile on his lips and Yixing wonders how someone can be concerned genuinely and still be smiling, genuinely, too, at the same time.
“Fine,” Yixing assures him. “Kyungsoo…he’s busy. Always has stuff to write for the magazine.”
“I’m sure,” Joonmyun’s smile brightens. “He’s in Malaysia, right? Writing something about the city’s street food or something.”
“Phuket, actually,” Yixing corrects him thickly. He knows this because Kyungsoo always writes down his travels on the calendar stuck onto their refrigerator. He also knows that Kyungsoo is in Phuket because he was supposed to go with him. They had the whole week planned. “Writing about the beaches this time.”
“When will he be back?” Joonmyun wonders aloud. “Coz Minseok is throwing his monthly get-together this weekend and he’s really hoping we’ll all be there. It would be weird if you were there and he isn’t because how would we properly congratulate the newly-engaged couple?” He chuckles teasingly and Yixing somehow manages to laugh with him.
“That would be weird,” Yixing agrees resolutely. “We’ll both be there.”
If Kyungsoo hasn’t told anyone, maybe Kyungsoo has changed his mind. Maybe being at the beach has made him think about what had happened and made him realize that he made a mistake, that Yixing is whom he wants to marry and spend the rest of his life with. The thought makes Yixing giddy with optimism. Baekhyun is right. Kyungsoo loves Yixing and, while he didn’t say yes when Yixing asked Kyungsoo to marry him the first time, maybe he’ll do so when he asks a second time.
“Are you sure you’re alright?” Joonmyun asks again, gesturing towards Yixing’s right cheek before lightly poking his own left one.
“Never better,” Yixing assures him with a smile, because he has a chance to get Kyungsoo back.
☙❧☙
“There he is!”
Yixing jumps when Lu Han announces his arrival, slinging an arm over his shoulder. He’s been standing by the door for about 10 minutes, completely unsure as to how to go about the evening. He knows that Kyungsoo is there. He’s seen his shoes and coat by the door.
“Man of the hour!” Baekhyun yells when he sees Lu Han drawing Yixing into Minseok’s spacious apartment. “Where have you been?” He pulls Yixing away from Lu Han and hugs him. “I haven’t seen you since I gave you the suit!”
The rest of their friends from university, Jongdae, Sehun, Jongin and Zitao, crowd around him, alternately patting him on the back and hugging him. Minseok offers him a glass of champagne, which he rejects, and nods towards the living room. When Yixing follows his line of sight, he sees Kyungsoo.
“Soo, your fiancé’s here!” Jongdae announces, pulling Yixing into the living area and pushing him towards Kyungsoo.
Yixing and Kyungsoo stand awkwardly side-by-side. There’s a distinctive change between the two of them that Yixing’s pretty sure that their friends would start asking questions any minute now.
“Aww you guys are so cute,” Baekhyun coos. “Shy newly engaged couple.”
“Don’t be shy!” Zitao cheers. “How about a kiss?”
“Kiss kiss kiss kiss!” Jongin starts the chant and soon everyone is cheering for them to seal their supposed passion.
Kyungsoo rolls his eyes, an unmistakable smirk on his lips, before he’s resting a hand on Yixing’s neck and pulling him down for a lip lock. The slide of their lips against each other is so familiar and comforting that Yixing’s eyes flutter shut, his hands finding their familiar place on Kyungsoo’s hips.
This is what’s supposed to be. This is how it’s supposed to be. Kyungsoo in his arms; Kyungsoo kissing him; Kyungsoo being with him. He’s always loved kissing Kyungsoo. He loves how his lips are so full, slightly chapped, and how warm it is whenever they kiss. He loves how his fingers play with the strands of hair on the back of his neck. He loves the way Kyungsoo presses up to him as if wanting to dispose of any space that might have been left between them. If he is to go on, he just really loves Kyungsoo. And he loves that he’s kissing him now.
Yixing shifts his stance, wrapping his arms tight around Kyungsoo’s waist, not really hearing the catcalls of his friends and the sudden quiet that follows afterwards. Tightening his hold on Kyungsoo, his lips trail from Kyungsoo’s lips to his cheek down to the line of his jaw.
“Yixing,” Kyungsoo breathlessly calls, resting his hands on Yixing’s chest. Yixing presses his lips back to his, swallowing his words in an effort to show him that he is right here, that he still loves him, that he forgives him. “Yixing, stop!” Kyungsoo shoves him backwards and Yixing feels strangely out of orbit.
“What? Why?” Yixing gruffly asks, hands reaching out for him again.
Kyungsoo takes a step back, lips red and cheeks flushed. “We’re not-this isn’t-“ He glances around uncomfortably. “What was that?”
“What do you mean?” Yixing asks, truly confused. “We were kissing because they-“
“I kissed you because clearly no one knows about our break-up!” Kyungsoo hisses. “I didn’t want them to find out like this. I didn’t want them to know that I’ve-that we’ve-I thought that you would’ve at least told Baekhyun and then he’d have taken care of-“ He runs a hand through his hair and Yixing can feel the dread of what he’s about to say creep up through his skin. “Yixing, what happened at the restaurant, what I said…” He looks away. “…I meant it. I’m not taking it back.”
“You kissed me,” Yixing accuses him, leaning on the back of the couch for support. “You kissed me,” he repeats in a helpless whisper.
The truth slams into Yixing like a freight train. Kyungsoo isn’t taking him back. Kyungsoo doesn’t want him back. Whatever that kiss was, it isn’t because Kyungsoo still loves him. He looks at the man he’s spent practically the whole of his university life with, the part of his life he thought he was most sure of, and wonders how he could have missed the significant detail of Kyungsoo falling out of love with him.
“I’m sorry,” Kyungsoo whispers. He stands there, unsure of what to do, how to ease the pain he’s giving to him. “Yixing, I love you I do, but-“
“I think that’s enough.”
Yixing barely registers the voice as Joonmyun’s, head bowed as tears start streaming down his face, his heart breaking more painfully than the first time.
“Joonmyun.” Kyungsoo’s voice is stiff.
“I think you’ve said all you needed to say,” Joonmyun continues before Kyungsoo can get another word out.
“I didn’t mean to-“ Kyungsoo cuts himself off when Joonmyun glares at him. He sighs resignedly and gives Yixing an apologetic look before leaving.
Joonmyun wraps an arm around Yixing and gently sits him down on the sofa. Yixing curls up into him. The sobs he’s been holding back come rushing out, leaving him dizzy and broken. “He doesn’t love me,” he chokes out. “He doesn’t want to marry me.”
“Shh,” Joonmyun hugs him and closes his eyes.
There is a song that Yixing’s mother used to sing to him whenever he scraped his knees when he was a child. It’s a song that Kyungsoo had learned to sing for him in times when he needed a picker upper. Joonmyun is singing that song and, while it’s not the same, it helps to sort of ease the stabbing pain in his heart.
☙❧☙
The loneliness eats at Yixing. Not telling Baekhyun, not telling anyone, is consuming and tiring. Even having Joonmyun know about it doesn’t really help anything. He imagines that it was just a burden for Joonmyun to have found out that he and Kyungsoo have broken up, that Kyungsoo left him, that he’s broken, when there is nothing he can do about it. It isn’t something that Yixing would have wanted anyone to be worried about. Joonmyun never contacted him after that and it’s just as well. Yixing doesn’t want to inconvenience him any further. He’s considered telling Baekhyun just so that he can talk about it with someone, but then he remembers Baekhyun’s high hopes for him and Kyungsoo and how he wants Yixing to be happy the way he is and he just doesn’t want to disappoint him.
When Lu Han invites him to come over for a drama marathon, he finds himself saying yes. Why confine himself away from his friends when they do not know any better? So he goes and prepares to cry because the dramas that Lu Han usually likes are tears inducing, which is just what Yixing needs to vent out all the hurt he’s feeling.
After he knocks on Lu Han’s door, however, it isn’t Lu Han who answers it. It’s Baekhyun. He cautiously enters the apartment and finds that there is no one else around.
“Where’s Lu Han?” Yixing nervously asks, stuffing his hands in his pockets.
“He went out,” Baekhyun simply answers. “I told him I’d hang out with you for him instead.”
Yixing wordlessly follows Baekhyun to the living room and sits beside him on the sofa just as the television and the DVD is turned on. Baekhyun, however, doesn’t press play. Instead, he just sits there, gripping the remote control.
“Joonmyun called the other day,” Baekhyun starts.
“Baekhyun,” Yixing speaks, and he knows exactly why Baekhyun is here, instead of Lu Han. He hasn’t exactly been subtle in avoiding him.
“He told me that you and Kyungsoo had broken up, that your engagement didn’t push through and that I should talk to you,” Baekhyun continues and Yixing opens his mouth again to say something but Baekhyun shuts him up with a gaze. “And I said, no, that’s not true. Yixing and Kyungsoo couldn’t have broken up.”
Yixing sags under the weight of Baekhyun’s gaze and the weight of how high his expectation is of him. This is exactly why he doesn’t want Baekhyun to find out. He doesn’t want to feel the dejection in knowing that Baekhyun is let down by him. It is embarrassing to know that he can’t even keep his relationship with Kyungsoo in tact.
“I’m sor-,” Yixing tries again.
“Because Yixing would have told me,” Baekhyun goes on. “My best friend would have told me if something this life-changing has happened to him.”
“That’s exactly why I didn’t want to tell you,” the fight goes out of Yixing and he rests his elbows on his knees, face in his hands. “This break-up is so unacceptable. You’re so happy with Chanyeol and I can’t even make one person happy-“
“Hey,” Baekhyun interrupts him sternly. He cups Yixing cheek with one hand, looking into his best friend’s eyes before saying anything. “You’re my best friend and, no matter what you may think, I want you to be happy and it doesn’t matter how you make that happen or who you decide to be with to be so.” He leans closer to him, putting his other hand on Yixing’s other cheek. “Yixing, you’re amazing and it’s not your fault that Kyungsoo said no.”
Yixing takes a deep breath and that’s the only warning they both get before he’s bursting into tears. Baekhyun gathers him in his arms and hugs him tight. How could he have thought that Baekhyun would ever look differently at him just because his relationship didn’t work out? He should have known better and shouldn’t have allowed his fear and loneliness to form such thoughts and make decisions for him. He grips Baekhyun tighter.
“I’m sorry,” Yixing whispers.
“Stop saying sorry,” Baekhyun half-heartedly chides, pulling away. Yixing can see the tears in his best friend’s eyes. “But I accept,” he continues, shoving him slightly. “I can’t believe you would ever think that I would be upset with what happened.”
Yixing merely gives him a sheepish smile and Baekhyun rolls his eyes. He settles back to his original position and grabs the remote. He’s about to press play when he frowns.
“How come Joonmyun knew about this first?” Baekhyun demands.
☙❧☙
“You don’t want to go to Jongdae’s art gallery opening,” Baekhyun repeats slowly, watching as Yixing stares out of the window of his apartment.
“I’ll go some other day,” Yixing insists, not bothering to turn around to tell Baekhyun to his face because he’s a coward.
“Gallery openings happen in one night, that’s why they’re called openings and that’s why they have cocktails and have press over,” Baekhyun explains uselessly. These are things that Yixing knows and Baekhyun’s confused as to why, of all things he could miss, he’s missing out on one of their friend’s milestones.
“I just feel like staying home tonight,” Yixing mutters. He leans his head against the glass and looks at the sparkling lights of car moving down on the streets of Seoul.
Moving on with life after the life that he’s always known is pulled under him without warning is one of the most difficult things that Yixing’s ever had to go through. He’s having trouble with his work, trouble with doing daily activities, dealing with friends. He’s having trouble just getting up in the morning. When he wakes up in the morning, he sees the empty space beside his bed and is reminded everyday that Kyungsoo left him and that he’s alone.
“Yixing,” Baekhyun sighs quietly.
“Baekhyun, I really don’t want to talk about it,” Yixing desperately pleads.
Baekhyun spends a couple of seconds shifting his weight from one foot to the other before Yixing is making his way over to him for a hug. Baekhyun clings onto Yixing as if he’s the one in need of the support.
“I’m here,” Baekhyun tells him softly. “I’m here.”
“I know you are,” Yixing recognizes, voice muffled through Baekhyun’s hair. He inhales deeply and holds onto Baekhyun, onto the only seemingly grounded part of his life. No matter how much he doesn’t want to open up to Baekhyun, he knows that Baekhyun will understand and will always be there for him.
Baekhyun sighs and pulls away. He looks Yixing in the eyes and gently pats his cheek, showing him that just because they’re best friends, doesn’t mean that Yixing has an obligation to tell Baekhyun everything. “Well, Chanyeol and I should go then,” he says, walking over to his husband. “If you need anything-“
“I’ll call,” Yixing promises him.
“We’ll send Jongdae your congratulations,” Chanyeol adds. Yixing shoots him a grateful smile.
Yixing watches, his back against the windowsill, as Chanyeol helps Baekhyun put his coat on. He does feel awful that he won’t be able to witness Jongdae being smug over his artistic achievements. Because, despite Jongdae being full of himself, he is actually really talented and truly deserves every bit of success that he’s getting. But Yixing knows that Kyungsoo will be there, because Kyungsoo had promised Jongdae a long time ago that he would write an article for him when the time came.
Baekhyun’s giggling snaps Yixing out of his reverie. Chanyeol has wrapped the scarf in such a way that half of Baekhyun’s face ended up covered. Now, Chanyeol is slowly unwinding the scarf and when Baekhyun’s mouth is revealed, he swoops down and captures Baekhyun’s lips in a kiss. Baekhyun stands on his toes and presses up against him. The moment is so familiar, so intimate, that Yixing wonders how many times they kiss like this in a day, like they couldn’t ever get enough of each other.
Before Yixing manages to clear his throat to remind them that they have an audience, Baekhyun pulls away and slaps Chanyeol’s arm. He then glances over at Yixing, a sheepish, but clearly happy, smile on his face.
“We’re going,” Baekhyun assures him, pulling a laughing Chanyeol out of the apartment.
And Yixing can’t find himself to feel upset at the fact that Baekhyun’s love life is intact compared to his. Because one should never feel apologetic over showing how much you love someone, which is exactly how Baekhyun is, and, for that, he just feels an overwhelming sense of happiness for his best friend. At least one of them is happy.
There was a time when Yixing was the one in a blissful relationship and Baekhyun was hung over a guy whom he thought was the one. He thinks back to how Baekhyun never once told him to not ‘flaunt’ his relationship with Kyungsoo to his face, which Yixing would never do anyway. The very least he can do is give Baekhyun the same freedom he’d been bestowed with once.
Yixing makes his way to the kitchen to make himself something to eat. It’s lucky that he’s always known how to cook. Kyungsoo had always been the one to prepare meals for them when they were together because Kyungsoo was like that. He liked to be in charge when it came to food. He opens the cupboards and realizes that all condiments are ones that Kyungsoo had bought for when he needed to make his favourites things that ended up being Yixing’s favourites, too. One by one, he drops them into the trash bin.
When he’s done, he looks at all the kitchen cupboards. Everything is empty. It eerily reflects how Yixing is because, if there is a place in the apartment that Kyungsoo spent the most time on, it’s the kitchen. And now that it’s stripped of everything Kyungsoo, it’s bare.
Takeout for dinner then. He picks up the phone to dial the nearest Chinese restaurant when the doorbell rings.
There are a number of people he thinks could be behind the door; maybe Baekhyun, forgetting something, or the old next-door neighbour, who thinks that this is her apartment again.
“Joonmyun,” Yixing blurts out. He opens the door wider and watches as Joonmyun turns around to smile at him as he closes the door. “What are you doing here? Why aren’t you at Jongdae’s?”
Joonmyun shrugs and raises his eyebrows at him. “Why aren’t you?” When Yixing doesn’t answer, he lifts up the two paper bags he has in his hands. Clearly food. “You hungry? I got these on the way.” He makes his way to the kitchen and Yixing follows him without a word.
Yixing and Joonmyun aren’t the closest of friends, even when they started moving around the same circles. Joonmyun is mostly Baekhyun’s friend, as almost all of them are. Although, there was a time when they hung out a lot, random meetings turning into regular ones. But then, he met Kyungsoo and somehow Joonmyun just faded away from his life.
“It’s a good thing I brought food over,” Joonmyun says, eyeing the trash bin and the empty cupboards and fridge.
“Why are you here, Joonmyun?” Yixing asks from the doorway. “It’s Jongdae’s gallery opening. I’m sure he expects you to be there.”
Joonmyun looks up and smiles at him. “He really doesn’t,” he assures him. “He’s always known that I’m not a big fan of art.” He chuckles when Yixing gapes at him.
Once upon a time, Joonmyun and Jongdae had dated. They had seemed happy and in love, until one day they announced that they had broken up and decided to be just friends. There was a time when both Jongdae and Joonmyun pretended not to avoid each other but never really attended things when the other was there. It was weird for everyone because they knew better than to take sides. And then one day it just wasn’t weird. During Sehun’s birthday, Jongdae showed up just after Joonmyun did.
“But you’ve always gone to his events,” Yixing presses, finally walking into the kitchen and standing on the other side of the counter, where Joonmyun’s putting the takeout food into plates.
Joonmyun continues smiling. “Because we were together,” he reminds him. “I wanted to support him. It was what made him happy.” He hands him his plate. “Eat.”
They move to the living room, where Joonmyun has turned the television on. One of those popular dramas is playing, but Yixing isn’t really paying attention, his food left untouched on the table, because he keeps on thinking back to his earlier conversation with Joonmyun.
“I didn’t care when Kyungsoo left the country all the time,” Yixing starts, leaning back on the couch. “It was a part of his job and I knew he liked to travel.” Kyungsoo was barely home, staying only two to three days a week in the apartment before he was headed to some other part of the country or the world. But that didn’t mean that Yixing was always happy about it. “Sometimes I wonder if it was because of that why this happened. Maybe he thinks I didn’t care enough.”
“Kyungsoo’s known you for so many years,” Joonmyun responds softly. “It’s impossible that he didn’t know that you cared.”
Yixing sighs. “I don’t believe that anymore,” he quietly states. “Time isn’t an indicator of anything. Just because you’ve known someone for a long time, doesn’t mean that you know them.”
☙❧☙
Yixing has always drawn his feelings. He’s drawn balloons and smiling faces when he was seven when his family brought him to the carnival for the first time. He’s drawn a lot of people sketches, mostly one with wide eyes and full lips, because most of what he’s felt the past few years could be traced back to Kyungsoo. Now, there doesn’t seem to be anything to draw. He shifts some papers on his desk and sighs when all he sees are empty sheets. Drawing has never been a problem for him. If you asked him to draw something, he’d do it in an instant, which has been his big asset for his job. Whenever his boss ran out of ideas on how to illustrate book covers, he’d always left it to Yixing’s care and he’s never ran across any problems with it. Until now.
He takes his phone out and scrolls through his contacts list to find Baekhyun’s number. His thumb is hovering on the name when he suddenly changes his mind and scrolls down a bit further before pressing his thumb down.
“Yixing?” Joonmyun’s comes through and Yixing is seized with surprise. What had come over him that he decided to call Joonmyun, of all people? “Is everything okay? Hello?”
“Yeah,” Yixing jumps back to attention and sighing. He knows why he called Joonmyun. Joonmyun has barely left his side throughout this whole ordeal. He’s always coming over his apartment, bringing food and DVDs and games. Most of the time, though, and it’s the thing that Yixing appreciates the most, Joonmyun brings himself and gives Yixing his undivided attention. “Nothing, it’s nothing. Sorry I called. You must be busy-”
“I’m picking you up in a bit,” Joonmyun interrupts him gently. There’s a pause as Yixing’s brows furrow in confusion. “Jongin’s recital?” he prompts him. “You’re not backing out, are you?”
“Right,” Yixing remembers. He’s promised Joonmyun that he will finally come out of his own form of seclusion and actually see people who aren’t Joonmyun and who aren’t his officemates. “Of course I’m not.”
“I was thinking we can drop by Jongdae’s gallery before we go to the theatre,” Joonmyun continues. “We still haven’t gone and I thought it would be a good idea for us to go. Jongdae said he’d personally walk us through it. What do you think?”
“Sure,” Yixing easily agrees with Joonmyun, which is something he’s noticed he’s been doing a lot. It’s not that he always has the same opinion as him. He just believes that Joonmyun wouldn’t do anything or suggest him to do anything that would deliberately hurt him. In the past couple of weeks, he’s learned to trust Joonmyun enormously. There isn’t any other person who’s practically held his hand through this heartbreak, aside from Baekhyun. “I’ll see you in a while then.”
Yixing wonders about this trust in Joonmyun when they arrive at Jongdae’s art gallery and finds Kyungsoo there. In his haste to please Joonmyun with his recovery, he’d forgotten that his heart was still on the mend. Joonmyun finds his hand and squeezes it and Yixing looks up. Kyungsoo is making his way to them and he’s not alone. A way taller male, with attractive blonde hair that falls down to his eyebrows, is beside him, a protective, large hand on Kyungsoo’s back. Yixing swallows in panic and turns to Joonmyun, but Joonmyun just squeezes his hand once more, an encouraging smile on his face.
“Hi,” Kyungsoo greets and Yixing can hear the uncertainty lurking underneath his cheerful greeting. His eyes flit towards Yixing then Joonmyun then down to their clasped hands. “I didn’t know that anyone else was coming.” He glances at Jongdae, who looks away.
“Yeah,” Joonmyun answers for both of them. “We just decided to stop by before we headed over to Jongin’s show.”
Kyungsoo chuckles. “Well, what do you know? We’re actually headed there after this as well.”
Yixing takes a furtive deep breath. Kyungsoo looks good. As if he hasn’t just broken up with the love of his life just two months ago, as if his life hasn’t changed with just one word, as if his heart didn’t break. The way Yixing’s did. He looks happy, happier than Yixing has seen him in a while.
“This is Wu Fan,” Kyungsoo then introduces the male by his side. “He’s my photographer. He’s the one who comes with me on assignments.”
Joonmyun tightens his hold on his hand as Yixing looks at Wu Fan with renewed interest. He’s known that Kyungsoo always travels with a photographer, but Kyungsoo hasn’t once talked about him or even mentioned his name. He supposes he can guess why with how naturally Kyungsoo leans towards him.
“Joonmyun,” Joonmyun speaks up, shaking Wu Fan’s hand. He turns to Yixing. “This is-“
“Yixing,” Yixing decides to introduce himself, reaching his hand out. “We’re…Kyungsoo’s friends. From college.” It’s amazing how he even manages to smile when he feels the glue that had been so painstakingly put to piece his heart back together cracking.
“Nice to meet you,” Wu Fan says, eyebrows slightly raised. “Kyungsoo talks about you guys a lot. Especially you, Yixing.” Kyungsoo touches Wu Fan’s arm probably in some form of warning and Yixing can’t take it.
“Excuse me,” Yixing bows hastily and exits the room.
Joonmyun is on his heels, placing a comforting hand on his back. Yixing reaches back to grab his hand in his. It takes him a couple of minutes to calm down, to find solid ground, and stand straight again. When he does, he looks at Joonmyun and traces the concern on his face with his eyes.
“I’m okay,” Yixing assures him. For some reason, with Joonmyun, he always thinks he’ll always be okay.
“We don’t have to go to Jongin’s,” Joonmyun tells him. “We can just-“
“I said I’m okay,” Yixing insists. “Jongin is expecting us to be there. Let’s go.”
He doesn’t let go of Joonmyun’s hand the whole evening.
☙❧☙
Yixing leans back on Baekhyun’s and, he supposes, Chanyeol’s, marble kitchen counter and watches as Minseok’s ass practically lands right in Chanyeol’s face, while Jongdae laughs uncontrollably with how Zitao’s breath keeps on tickling his ear. On the other side, Jongin’s, Lu Han’s, and Sehun’s limbs are all entangled. He supposes this is what happens after a round of Twister.
“What are you doing all the way here?” Baekhyun sides up next to him, lifting himself up to sit on the counter.
“Just watching,” Yixing responds, laughing as Chanyeol wrinkles his nose when Minseok wiggles his backside right on his face.
“Yah! Minseok, you better watch it!” Baekhyun yells possessively, eyes twinkling with laughter. Yixing laughs harder when Sehun tries to move his hand to the yellow circle and ends up toppling all of them to the ground. Baekhyun looks at Yixing in some sort of surprise. “You’re laughing,” he says in wonder.
“We have the dumbest friends,” Yixing gestures to the pile of human bodies in the living room.
“I know but…” Baekhyun bites his lip. “I haven’t seen you laugh like this in a long time. I mean, especially since Kyungsoo’s…” He trails away, glancing back at the living room, where Kyungsoo’s laughing, almost sitting in Wu Fan's lap.
After that first meeting in Jongdae’s art gallery, Yixing finds Kyungsoo and Wu Fan in all of their group gatherings. Apparently, Kyungsoo had been bringing Wu Fan along, while Yixing’s been hiding with Joonmyun in his apartment. He wasn’t quite sure how to deal with this information in the beginning. Kyungsoo had dropped him so easily that he couldn’t help but think that maybe Wu Fan was the reason why Kyungsoo didn’t want to get married to him, why, all of a sudden, he and Kyungsoo weren’t looking in the same direction for their relationship anymore. In hindsight, that's probably it. And Yixing can see why. Wu Fan looks every bit of the man that Kyungsoo needs in his life, someone strong, influential, confident, and protective. Yixing is just an illustrator, what could he have given Kyungsoo if he had agreed to get married to him. Nothing. Nothing like Wu Fan can give him.
“Yixing, don’t,” Baekhyun interrupts his thoughts. He meets his eyes. “You are a great person and are not a lesser man than Wu Fan.”
Yixing’s lips quirk into a small smile. “Did you ever think it would be like this? I’ve always thought it would be us four, you, me, Chanyeol and Kyungsoo,” he shares. “We were going to have houses beside each other and let our kids, if and when we did have them, play with each other, send them to the same schools and maybe travel together.” He takes a deep breath. “I didn’t think…I never thought it would end up like this.”
Baekhyun scoots closer to Yixing and wraps an arm around his shoulders, resting his head on top of his. “Those things can still happen,” he quietly says. “It doesn’t have to be with Kyungsoo. I mean, have you looked around?”
Yixing scoffs and nudges his best friend in the ribs. “I’m not exactly fit to date right now,” he reminds him. “I’m still…” He glances at Kyungsoo and how his small hand rests on Wu Fan’s nape. “It still hurts sometimes.”
“But it hurts less, right?” Baekhyun asks.
“Yes,” Yixing nods. “It does.” He smiles a little and shakes his head, making Baekhyun lift his. “I don’t even know how I got to this point.”
It does hurt significantly less than it did before. His heart seems to have begun really patching itself up, the pieces carefully mending together, the cracks disappearing gradually. If he were put in this very moment a couple of months ago, he thinks he would have burst into tears just at the thought that Kyungsoo had replaced him so easily even when they were still together. Right now, his heart still feels tinges of pain, but it’s become muffled, like it’s wrapped in cotton and he can’t feel it as much. He can even talk to Kyungsoo civilly now, even Wu Fan.
“I do,” Baekhyun tells him with a soft but knowing smile.
Yixing follows Baekhyun’s line of sight and sees Joonmyun, head tipped back, hand covering his face, trying to suppress the laughter that’s clearly bubbling out of him. Joonmyun, who almost falls off the couch as he finally lets go and laughs as hard as he can. Joonmyun, who checks on him at random times of the day, who makes sure all the time that he’s eaten, and sneaks in cooked food into his fridge when he thinks Yixing’s not looking. Joonmyun, who holds his hand even if he doesn’t need to.
“I think you know it, too,” Baekhyun says, a teasing note in his voice.
“Baekhyun,” Yixing is startled at what his best friend is implying, “don’t-this isn’t-“
“Relax,” Baekhyun laughs, placing a calming hand on his shoulder. “I’m not pushing this to be anything. All I’m saying is that you’ve spent a lot of time with him these past months and allowed him to help you without realizing it. I mean, you haven’t spent this much time with him since we were freshmen in university.”
Yixing looks back at Joonmyun, who has finally calmed down and is standing up to help pack up the game. Time with Joonmyun, even back when they were still students, is something he’s always enjoyed. There is just something about him that makes you feel relaxed and happy, even if it’s just sitting down in a rundown coffee shop, talking about nothing in particular.
Joonmyun looks up and smiles when their gazes meet. Yixing smiles back.
☙❧☙
“Where are we going?”
Joonmyun merely smiles mysteriously at him from the driver’s seat and looks back at the road. It was just 8:30am and Yixing had just woken up when Joonmyun had arrived at his apartment and told him he was whisking him away. They’ve been on the road for close to an hour now and Joonmyun still hasn’t told him where they are headed.
Joonmyun chuckles when Yixing huffs and looks out of the window. “Can’t I just want to take you away?”
Yixing looks backs at him, blinking in surprise. “You want to take me away?”
Joonmyun laughs, but he swallows nervously. “You need to get away,” he says instead. “We all do sometimes.”
“Joonmyun,” Yixing starts.
“You’ve had a rough past couple of months, Xing,” Joonmyun maintains, eyes focused on the road. “I don’t know why I hadn’t thought of doing this before when you clearly needed it more back then.”
“I know why,” Yixing shakes his head. “I needed to face what was happening head on. I couldn’t just leave and hope that it would all go away, because it wouldn’t. Taking me away then would’ve just prolonged the pain even more.” He slowly and somewhat hesitatingly reaches for Joonmyun’s hand on the stick shift. “You were just looking out for me the way you knew how.” He pauses for a second, eyes shifting away before shifting back towards Joonmyun again. “Like you’ve always seemed to know how.”
Yixing doesn’t miss the fact that Joonmyun knows exactly when to push him and when to pull back. Even if he was around all the time, Yixing never once felt smothered with too much concern or affection. Joonmyun let him deal with his pain and never once took it upon himself to carry it for him. He never babied him, and that is something that he would have expected from Baekhyun, because Baekhyun has been his best friend for a long time. But not from someone like Joonmyun, who hasn’t known him as long as Baekhyun had and who isn’t as close to him as Baekhyun is.
“No one deserves to feel like this,” Joonmyun softly responds, squeezing his hand back before letting go. “I know it’s a fact of life, but having your love thrown back in your face like it is nothing is just…” He trails away and just tightens his grip on the steering wheel.
“Have you ever felt like this, Joonmyun?” Yixing curiously asks. He’s never known of any other person that was in Joonmyun’s life aside from Jongdae. But from the way he talks, it seems like there was someone else.
Joonmyun is quiet for a bit, before he chuckles lightly and shakes his head. “No,” he answers. “Not like this.”
Joonmyun exits the highway shortly after and Yixing is distracted by how indifferently Joonmyun had answered his question. They enter a gated winding road and pass a lot of tall trees and flowered expanses of grass. There are fountains and marble statues and pillars.
“What is this place?” Yixing asks in wonder.
“It’s a resort that’s opening some time next month,” Joonmyun shares as they stop in front of the lobby. He gets out without turning off the engine, moving around the car to open the door for Yixing. “It’s one of the projects I’ve been working on and I wanted to show you around.”
“Show me,” Yixing encourages him and Joonmyun grins, taking his hand in his.
Joonmyun is more amazing at his job than Yixing thought. Yixing watches him as he explains the concept of the resort, all the details and the client requests, the things he hopes can be executed, and sees how his eyes twinkle with excitement and passion. He can’t help but think about how Joonmyun had managed to even make time with him with all the work he has on his plate.
“This is my favorite part,” Joonmyun gestures up to the structure towering over them.
Yixing has seen the hotel proper, looked at some of the rooms, played a bit of billiards and bowling in the game room, dipped his hand into one of the pools, and eaten delicious food in the restaurant, among other things. Joonmyun was tireless in showing him around and explaining each detail and thought process that went into the design of each area. Now they’re standing at the foot of what seems like a lighthouse.
“Are you up for it?” Joonmyun asks him, pointing at the stairs.
Yixing smirks and pushes Joonmyun slightly before running. “Race you!”
☙❧☙
Yixing is practically slumped to the floor, the wall the only thing holding him up. Beside him, Joonmyun is the same, eyes closed, sweaty bangs clinging to his forehead. Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to have run all the way to the top of the lighthouse, especially at their age. He nudges Joonmyun with an elbow and such a light touch would have sent him toppling over if Yixing hadn’t reached out and wrapped an arm around him.
“Remind me never to listen to you again,” Joonmyun wheezes.
“You didn’t have to be so competitive about it,” Yixing teases. He chuckles as he remembers the pained but determined look on Joonmyun’s face as he pushed himself to continued running.
“I wasn’t going to get left behind,” Joonmyun scoffs, finally openings his eyes and nudging Yixing back.
“Competitive,” Yixing repeats, smiling a little, pulling him closer and resting his head on top of Joonmyun’s. He thinks he feels Joonmyun stiffen but doesn’t think anything of it. “You’re an amazing architect, Joonmyun. This is a really nice resort. How do you even make this happen? How do you make your vision a reality?”
“This is easy,” Joonmyun says, lifting his head and pulling away. “But it’s not like I can make all my dreams come true.”
Joonmyun pushes himself off the floor before Yixing can say anything. He follows Joonmyun out into the balcony. Here, they can see the stretch of the resort, the pools, the golf courses, the beach, and the sea, which looks beautiful with the sun setting. They lean against the railing and Yixing looks up at the sky.
The past months have been such a journey, one that he had never expected he would take. There were moments when he thought he wasn’t going to make it because it hurt too much, moments that confused him to no end. It made him question the things he’d done and decisions he’d made in the past. Instead of answers, he’s only gotten more questions, but, somehow, he’s learned to take it in stride and not dwell on them too much. Now, he feels more normal. Sometimes it’s like the pain wasn’t there in the first place. But it’s not only that. There are even times when he feels happiness. It comes in the form of a faint fluttering in his chest that he thinks he’s once felt when he and Kyungsoo had started dating.
Maybe Baekhyun’s right. He glances at Joonmyun, who staring intently at the sky.
“Why do you look so serious?” Yixing teases.
“I’m trying to find cloud formations,” Joonmyun shushes him like it’s a serious thing. “I always have a hard time finding one.”
Yixing stands behind Joonmyun and takes his right hand, raising it with his to the sky. Using Joonmyun’s fingertips, he leisurely traces an elephant’s head, a car, a tree, a bunny, and even an ice cream sundae. Soon enough, Joonmyun is tracing cloud formations on his own with Yixing resting his hands on the railing on either side of him, his chin on Joonmyun’s shoulder. He smiles when Joonmyun’s excited squeaks reach his ears when he finds another formation.
“Do you believe in the saying every cloud has a silver lining?” Yixing breaks the comfortable silence. He moves away from behind Joonmyun to stand beside him again, looking curiously at him.
Joonmyun puts his hand back down on the railing and meets his gaze. “Don’t you?”
“I don’t know, not really I guess. I’ve never had the chance to test the theory,” Yixing quietly shares, eyes falling to his hand resting closely beside Joonmyun’s smaller one. “Until now.”
“What do you mean?” Joonmyun’s voice is soft, guarded.
Yixing isn’t sure what to say, doesn’t quite know how to explain himself, but he tries anyway. “Can silver linings come in the form of a person? Like,” he takes a deep breath and pushes on, “someone, who doesn’t have to be around, but stays anyway, and makes things feel better, easier, happier. Someone who smiles all the time, holds your hand and doesn’t only say that things will be okay, but makes sure that it will be.”
“Yixing,” Joonmyun starts, mouth parted open in surprise.
Yixing swallows nervously, thinking that he shouldn’t have said anything. “I’m just saying…I’m grateful,” he sincerely declares.
“You don’t have to thank me,” Joonmyun shakes his head, still looking amazed. “I wanted to do it. I mean, even if I hadn’t accidentally found out about what happened.”
“I know,” Yixing says, looking intently at him. “That’s why you’re the silver lining in all of this.”
Joonmyun blushes a pretty red and Yixing has to bite back an uneasy laugh. Maybe it was too much to say all at once. But then Joonmyun looks away with a small smile on his face and Yixing almost deflates in some sort of relief.
“I haven’t seen these many cloud formations before,” Joonmyun speaks, sounding breathless. “I’ve never had before.” He inches his hand close to Yixing’s and affectionately links their pinkies together.
Yixing smiles because he knows what Joonmyun is saying.
The possibilities are endless.
Here's the amazing art by scarredknees. I love it so much. ;w;
Author's Notes:
Thank you to those who've read and commented on this. Really. ^^ I wanted to especially thank loudestoflove because she was patient and incredibly nice to me, which I don't deserve, while she was beta-ing this. Thank you also to drainbamage954 for the support and for being an amazing wife, and to all those who listened to me whine about my bb fic. You are all amazing. <3