The Dance, chap 3
Title: The Dance, Chapter Three
Pairing: Hakkai/Gojyo
Rating: PG (For the chapter... destined to go up.)
Word count: 1,446
Warning: language.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
I didn’t know what happened. One second Cassandra was smirking at Gojyo, and Gojyo was regarding her with a very frightened expression. Then, they had both pulled out their weapons and were fighting. When my mind finally caught up with everything, Gojyo was tied to one of the chairs in the room with his own weapon held in place by what I assumed were Cassandra’s knives.
"Cass, let me up." I could tell Gojyo was trying to sound commanding, but his request came out as more of a plea than anything.
Cassandra remained unmoved by his appeal. "No. Why should I? If I did, you'd only run like always."
Never a good thing to say, really. Gojyo could rarely take that kind of criticism well. I noticed that he was faintly offended at the accusation. "I do not run from anything. Thank you very much."
"Right. Like that time with Alex. Cute brunette youkai. Kinda short, but from what you told me he had a huge--"
"Cass! Now is not story time." Interesting…
"Fine. Fine."
I decided it was time to get down to business before they started another argument. I couldn’t believe I was about to do this. I was taking the advice of a woman I had only just met a few hours ago. I took a deep calming breath. "Pardon me. I don't mean to interrupt sibling bonding, but... Miss Cassandra, would you mind if I speak with Gojyo privately?"
"Not at all. As long as you never call me Miss again."
"I apologize."
"Alright. That's it. What the hell is going on!? You two have a twenty-minute chat and you're the best of friends!? Conspiring together against me!? Untie me, damnit!" He was getting upset. I had to calm him down at least a little or I’d have to keep him tied to that chair in order to say what I now realized I had to say.
“Do calm yourself, Gojyo. I assure you, we were not conspiring against you, and we are hardly the best of friends.” I kept my tone of voice light, but he’d know I was really calling him an idiot.
"Then tell me what's going on, Hakkai. Please?"
"Oh, that's so not fair, nii-san. Using the puppy dog eyes on him. Don't think the poor guy can take it."
"Shut up, Cass. Weren't you leaving?"
"Fine. I can see when I'm not wanted. Geez. I think I'll go bother your monk friend. He seems a bit too up tight. It'll be fun to push his buttons."
"Do be careful. He has a gun.... and enjoys shooting at people."
She waved back at us as she left the room. Gojyo and I stared at the closed door for a few moments before I could work up the nerve to face him. I believed he was too embarrassed to look at me after the things Cassandra had implied and what he had probably figured out I had heard of their argument.
When I finally turned to face him, I was shocked to find him staring at the floor with a very sad and almost regretful expression.
Seemed that I had one problem to solve before the conversation I had planned on the way up here. “Gojyo?” He looked up at me, but not quite at my face. His gaze stopped around my collarbone.
I sighed and continued, “I have three questions for you, and I wish for you to answer truly and completely. Please take your time. First, why would you never tell me you are attracted to men as well as women? Second, did you honestly believe I wouldn’t want to stay with you? You must think very little of me.”
My final statement caused his head to snap up and his eyes to finally meet mine. I saw the clashing emotions in that gaze. Regret, hope, shame, confusion, anger, relief. His voice expressed just as many. “What!? Of course not. How can you think that? I…” He trailed off and looked down at my feet.
“Please answer my questions, Gojyo.”
He heaved a sigh and I knew if he had been untied he would have been running his hands through his hair. “I don’t know, Hakkai. I just… didn’t want to deal with Sanzo and Goku. You heard most, or all, of the fight, right?” I nodded. “Yeah well, then you have your answer.”
I regarded him in silence for a few moments. Then, with my patience waning for once, I knelt in front him and placed my hands on either of his knees. My voice held its usual politeness, but I knew Gojyo would hear the edge in it. “That is not what I asked. Sanzo and Goku’s reactions have nothing to do with why you didn’t tell me, Gojyo.”
I squeezed his knees briefly before standing again and walking to look out the only window in our tiny room, giving him the space he’d need to think. I felt his eyes on my back.
He remained quiet for so long I thought I would have to carry on speaking just to fill the awkward silence, but I was relieved and surprised when he beat me to it. “I was afraid, okay? More than afraid… I was scared shitless.”
I turned back to watch his face and waited for him to continue. I wasn’t disappointed.
“It’s not that I really thought you would react badly or something, but I knew the possibility was there. I couldn’t force myself to risk it. I knew it wasn’t worth it. Come clean or lose you? Easiest decision of my life.”
It both frightened and amused me that his reason was the same reason I wouldn’t tell him that I had been in love with him for years. I laughed softly and bitterly before moving kneeling in front of him again.
“We are both idiots.” My tone was somehow sad and hopeful.
“What was the third question, Hakkai?” I had never in all the years I’d spent with Gojyo heard his voice so… uneasy, maybe? As if he was truly afraid of me and my reactions at that moment. But somehow, it gave me a courage I hadn’t known I would have in a moment like this.
I looked into his beautifully crimson eyes and let all the feeling I felt toward him show in my eyes, and I could see him puzzling it all out. Before his confusion could fully change into the dawning realization I saw forming on his face, I leaned forward and pressed my lips to his in desperate need to tell him everything without saying a word.
The kiss was harder than I thought it would be. I suppose that was due to building myself up to it so much. I noticed somewhere in the back of my mind that he responded, but I was more concerned with showing him how much I loved, wanted, needed him than trying to get a reaction from him.
I broke away from him with a gasp of breath and sat back on my heels. It was then that I noticed the white-knuckled grip I had on his knees. “Sorry.” Was that my voice? So small and frail?
We sat there, motionless, for several minutes before Gojyo tried to lighten the mood by informing me, “That wasn’t a question.”
He wanted me to ask? Alright. I took a deep breath before saying what I should have years ago…
“Could you love me, Gojyo? I’ve loved you for almost as long as I’ve known you.” Shock overtook his features, and he opened his mouth to speak. I held my hand up to stop him. “I’d like for you to return those feelings, but I won’t ask for anything more than what you can give. Even if that’s just friendship. You don’t have to tell me that you love me. I just need you to say… something. Anything. But say what you really mean. I’ve been caught in this in-between for too long.”
His jaw dropped slightly. He closed his mouth again. Jaw dropped. Mouth closed. He looked like he was possessed by a fish youkai. Then he started stuttering and making odd sounds that might have been parts of words.
I sighed slightly and rose slowly to my feet. I walked away from him for the third time that night. This time to the door. My hand on the knob, ready to turn at a moment’s notice, I looked at Gojyo over my shoulder. He was still gaping… “I’ll just leave you to your thoughts, Gojyo. Take all the time you need.”
I left before I could humiliate myself further.
---------------------
Well, here we are. Chapter three complete. Thank again to mystiri_1 for the beta work and finding the white text message I didn't know was there (which is dead now, by the way). Fyi, Hakkai's little speech at the end is heavily inspired by the song "Suspension" by Mae.
Pairing: Hakkai/Gojyo
Rating: PG (For the chapter... destined to go up.)
Word count: 1,446
Warning: language.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
I didn’t know what happened. One second Cassandra was smirking at Gojyo, and Gojyo was regarding her with a very frightened expression. Then, they had both pulled out their weapons and were fighting. When my mind finally caught up with everything, Gojyo was tied to one of the chairs in the room with his own weapon held in place by what I assumed were Cassandra’s knives.
"Cass, let me up." I could tell Gojyo was trying to sound commanding, but his request came out as more of a plea than anything.
Cassandra remained unmoved by his appeal. "No. Why should I? If I did, you'd only run like always."
Never a good thing to say, really. Gojyo could rarely take that kind of criticism well. I noticed that he was faintly offended at the accusation. "I do not run from anything. Thank you very much."
"Right. Like that time with Alex. Cute brunette youkai. Kinda short, but from what you told me he had a huge--"
"Cass! Now is not story time." Interesting…
"Fine. Fine."
I decided it was time to get down to business before they started another argument. I couldn’t believe I was about to do this. I was taking the advice of a woman I had only just met a few hours ago. I took a deep calming breath. "Pardon me. I don't mean to interrupt sibling bonding, but... Miss Cassandra, would you mind if I speak with Gojyo privately?"
"Not at all. As long as you never call me Miss again."
"I apologize."
"Alright. That's it. What the hell is going on!? You two have a twenty-minute chat and you're the best of friends!? Conspiring together against me!? Untie me, damnit!" He was getting upset. I had to calm him down at least a little or I’d have to keep him tied to that chair in order to say what I now realized I had to say.
“Do calm yourself, Gojyo. I assure you, we were not conspiring against you, and we are hardly the best of friends.” I kept my tone of voice light, but he’d know I was really calling him an idiot.
"Then tell me what's going on, Hakkai. Please?"
"Oh, that's so not fair, nii-san. Using the puppy dog eyes on him. Don't think the poor guy can take it."
"Shut up, Cass. Weren't you leaving?"
"Fine. I can see when I'm not wanted. Geez. I think I'll go bother your monk friend. He seems a bit too up tight. It'll be fun to push his buttons."
"Do be careful. He has a gun.... and enjoys shooting at people."
She waved back at us as she left the room. Gojyo and I stared at the closed door for a few moments before I could work up the nerve to face him. I believed he was too embarrassed to look at me after the things Cassandra had implied and what he had probably figured out I had heard of their argument.
When I finally turned to face him, I was shocked to find him staring at the floor with a very sad and almost regretful expression.
Seemed that I had one problem to solve before the conversation I had planned on the way up here. “Gojyo?” He looked up at me, but not quite at my face. His gaze stopped around my collarbone.
I sighed and continued, “I have three questions for you, and I wish for you to answer truly and completely. Please take your time. First, why would you never tell me you are attracted to men as well as women? Second, did you honestly believe I wouldn’t want to stay with you? You must think very little of me.”
My final statement caused his head to snap up and his eyes to finally meet mine. I saw the clashing emotions in that gaze. Regret, hope, shame, confusion, anger, relief. His voice expressed just as many. “What!? Of course not. How can you think that? I…” He trailed off and looked down at my feet.
“Please answer my questions, Gojyo.”
He heaved a sigh and I knew if he had been untied he would have been running his hands through his hair. “I don’t know, Hakkai. I just… didn’t want to deal with Sanzo and Goku. You heard most, or all, of the fight, right?” I nodded. “Yeah well, then you have your answer.”
I regarded him in silence for a few moments. Then, with my patience waning for once, I knelt in front him and placed my hands on either of his knees. My voice held its usual politeness, but I knew Gojyo would hear the edge in it. “That is not what I asked. Sanzo and Goku’s reactions have nothing to do with why you didn’t tell me, Gojyo.”
I squeezed his knees briefly before standing again and walking to look out the only window in our tiny room, giving him the space he’d need to think. I felt his eyes on my back.
He remained quiet for so long I thought I would have to carry on speaking just to fill the awkward silence, but I was relieved and surprised when he beat me to it. “I was afraid, okay? More than afraid… I was scared shitless.”
I turned back to watch his face and waited for him to continue. I wasn’t disappointed.
“It’s not that I really thought you would react badly or something, but I knew the possibility was there. I couldn’t force myself to risk it. I knew it wasn’t worth it. Come clean or lose you? Easiest decision of my life.”
It both frightened and amused me that his reason was the same reason I wouldn’t tell him that I had been in love with him for years. I laughed softly and bitterly before moving kneeling in front of him again.
“We are both idiots.” My tone was somehow sad and hopeful.
“What was the third question, Hakkai?” I had never in all the years I’d spent with Gojyo heard his voice so… uneasy, maybe? As if he was truly afraid of me and my reactions at that moment. But somehow, it gave me a courage I hadn’t known I would have in a moment like this.
I looked into his beautifully crimson eyes and let all the feeling I felt toward him show in my eyes, and I could see him puzzling it all out. Before his confusion could fully change into the dawning realization I saw forming on his face, I leaned forward and pressed my lips to his in desperate need to tell him everything without saying a word.
The kiss was harder than I thought it would be. I suppose that was due to building myself up to it so much. I noticed somewhere in the back of my mind that he responded, but I was more concerned with showing him how much I loved, wanted, needed him than trying to get a reaction from him.
I broke away from him with a gasp of breath and sat back on my heels. It was then that I noticed the white-knuckled grip I had on his knees. “Sorry.” Was that my voice? So small and frail?
We sat there, motionless, for several minutes before Gojyo tried to lighten the mood by informing me, “That wasn’t a question.”
He wanted me to ask? Alright. I took a deep breath before saying what I should have years ago…
“Could you love me, Gojyo? I’ve loved you for almost as long as I’ve known you.” Shock overtook his features, and he opened his mouth to speak. I held my hand up to stop him. “I’d like for you to return those feelings, but I won’t ask for anything more than what you can give. Even if that’s just friendship. You don’t have to tell me that you love me. I just need you to say… something. Anything. But say what you really mean. I’ve been caught in this in-between for too long.”
His jaw dropped slightly. He closed his mouth again. Jaw dropped. Mouth closed. He looked like he was possessed by a fish youkai. Then he started stuttering and making odd sounds that might have been parts of words.
I sighed slightly and rose slowly to my feet. I walked away from him for the third time that night. This time to the door. My hand on the knob, ready to turn at a moment’s notice, I looked at Gojyo over my shoulder. He was still gaping… “I’ll just leave you to your thoughts, Gojyo. Take all the time you need.”
I left before I could humiliate myself further.
---------------------
Well, here we are. Chapter three complete. Thank again to mystiri_1 for the beta work and finding the white text message I didn't know was there (which is dead now, by the way). Fyi, Hakkai's little speech at the end is heavily inspired by the song "Suspension" by Mae.