Letters to Heaven
Title: Letters to Heaven
Genre: angst, character death, friendship
Rating: PG
Pairing: none; Kibum to Jinki
Wordcount: 1471
Disclaimer: I do not own SHINee and this is purely fiction.
Summary: After Jinki's death Kibum takes it upon himself to send him a letter.
Dear Jinki-hyung,
I don’t think SHINee will ever get back together after everything happened. It doesn’t feel right to think about singing or performing, pretending and acting happy for the fans who are just as heartbroken as we are. SM wanted us to write a statement, but what are we supposed to say? It’s only been a month and it still hurts to remember that I wake up to a dorm with three other boys not four.
So SHINee’s taken a hiatus and it’s more our choice than the managers. Taemin refuses to leave the dorm unless it’s absolutely unnecessary and Jonghyun sits at his laptop all day, reading me2day and twitter comments. I don’t think he tweets or posts statuses much at all anymore, but he says that there’s a lot of support for you online. I wonder if that would make you happy, because you were never too interested in the Internet before. Minho has gotten quieter again, like he was before Ring Ding Dong- before SHINee was internationally famous and hundreds of thousands of people knew our names-which I know you wouldn’t like to hear, but I feel like I have to be honest. You could always tell when we were lying when you were alive, so how would being in Heaven stop you? As for me…I’m not sure what to tell you. I cry at night, but I think all of us do-even Minho, though he tries to hide it. I hate waking up and realizing that you’re not there, that I won’t be able to see your bright smile or look into those chocolate brown eyes anymore. I miss Onew sangtae and your corny jokes, I miss hearing your voice.
God, SHINee can’t work without you, hyung. I bet you don’t believe that. I bet you’d say Jonghyun would be a great leader and Minho and I can handle the rapping and Taemin could take over your lines but it’s not the same. Jonghyun’s not as sincere as you emotionally and rapping through half a song isn’t our style. Taemin’s voice is too soft and Jonghyun’s is too strong, we need you to be our center. That’s what you were, hyung, SHINee’s center, our balance. You’re right there in the middle when we sing, you’re part of our five-member choreography and it doesn’t look right with only four-remember when Jonghyun’s leg was busted? it was horrible. You’re always there to break up our fights, and even if I don’t like being scolded for starting arguments I miss it so much now. But don’t take that as “we’re fighting”, because we’re not; it’s more like we hardly talk to each other anymore. Jonghyun and Taemin come to me for comfort, but I know Taemin’s pulling into himself, turning to Minho instead when he sees my attention is elsewhere. It hurts, because I want to comfort everyone (like you used to do, how did you manage it?) but I’m hurt, too. We’re all broken and trying to fix each other, but it can’t work. We can’t shine like we used to.
I drink a lot more now, usually late at night when I can’t sleep. I try to hide it from Jonghyun because when he drinks he’s more likely to cry and sometimes I’d just rather drink by myself and watch old movies in the living room until 4AM. I should be sleeping but what’s the point when our schedules have stopped? I think I’m getting bags under my eyes and breaking out, but even caring about that seems pointless. I’m not myself anymore am I, hyung? That shows you how much of an effect you had on me, you know. Five years with you in SHINee and years knowing you before that as trainees, it all made me who I am. I can’t be the fashionista of SHINee without SHINee, I can’t be the Almighty Key without SHINee. I’m just Kim Kibum from Daegu.
There are too many things I wish I could say to you. Things I wish I would have said before. The main one though, is that you’re loved and missed. You probably didn’t think you were the most popular member before, but if you could see the fans now, I think you would cry from happiness. Jong’s showed me some of the memorials fans have made, art for you and long letters to you (but you better read mine first, okay?). We’ve gotten a lot of gifts too, but it almost feels wrong to accept them. I know it’s a way for them to try and comfort us, but I just want you back, that’s all. I don’t want new shoes or clothes, or to hang up some talented fan’s portrait of you or read those depressing letters. It hurts too much and I’m selfish enough to want to ignore the fans for a while.
You’re watching us from Heaven, right, hyung? You’re seeing us fighting to stay sane while our leader has left us? I know you’ll protect us, though. I haven’t told the members because I’m afraid they’ll look at me with pity, but I dream of you up in Heaven. I dream that you already have your angel wings and that your smile shines bright enough to blind normal humans. You’re really popular in Heaven, because of your voice and kindness. I wish we had noticed, before you left us, that you were a guardian sent down to lead us through five amazing years in SHINee. In my dreams you hug me tight, your white wings stretching around me and I can almost swear I can feel your warmth and smell your clean scent. I can hear you singing in the distance even though your right in front of me and before I even think about ending the hug you pull away, smiling sadly and wiping the tears from my face. I didn’t realize I was crying, but now I can’t stop myself. Your voice seems to be chiming, like Heaven makes their angels melodic in all aspects (or maybe you’re just that perfect) and you tell me not to cry for you anymore, and you tell me that SHINee will go on without you even if we’re not be what we used to be. You say I’m strong but I feel so weak standing in front of you surrounded by clouds and your golden, glowing presence. The times I spend with you in Heaven are never long enough. It kills me to wake up. To watch your fading smile and your joyful farewell wave.
Are you still clumsy in Heaven? If you are, you’re making it up, I bet, just to get a laugh from the female angels. Can you meet someone in Heaven? Will you meet another angel who was just as generous as you? Will you be happy, watching us from up above? Do you know our futures? Will we be happy again someday? When we die will SHINee be reunited? Will we be remembered? Forgotten? Can we be five shining stars after we’re long gone?
I have too many questions and I never manage to remember them when we meet in my dreams. I want to say it’s not fair, but it could be one of God’s many rules. I imagine you’re one of his most important guardians, that’s why you got your wings so fast. We both know, somewhere in our faith, that I can’t ask too many questions about the afterlife and you can’t give me the answers.
So I’ll try to be content with my dreams. I’ll try to keep in mind that you’ll always be watching over us and that you’d want us to stay strong. I’ll help the members understand when time passes a bit more. You’ll visit them too, right? Don’t let Taeminnie think his leader is gone for good; don’t forget to remind Jonghyun and Minho to be gracious men like their hyung. I’ll help you, don’t worry. I’ll be your physical voice, your physical body. I’ll hug everyone for you, I’ll comfort them because you have given me the strength to hold myself and everyone else up.
You remember, too, that you’ll never be forgotten. The fans, your family, the members, SM, everyone who once knew you; they’ll all remember you, I’m certain. You leave a mark on every person you meet, you know. I’ll be sure to tell my kids about you. I’ll show them pictures and videos of their appa and his bandmates dancing and singing during the best years of his life. I don’t know where I would be if I hadn’t auditioned for SM, if I hadn’t joined SHINee, if I hadn’t met you or Jonghyun, Minho, or Taemin, but I’m grateful for every day we’ve had together.
Missing you,
Kim (Key) Kibum
