Green Is The Colour
It’s been two days, two fucking days since he last saw him. He even has the guts to not pick up his phone or even reply to the texts he sent him. He tried calling him again, for the hundredth time but still, it was left unpicked. He almost threw his phone across his room and screamed his name out loud. What went wrong between them anyway? Even until that moment, he still can’t figure what’s wrong with Lee Seung Hyun.
He still can remember two days ago, when he was having practices with 2NE1 for the Dream Concert when he saw him passing the practice room without even stopping by. It wasn’t really him and he felt weird by his actions. He tried calling him a few times but he just walked away without even looking back. He thought that maybe he didn’t hear him calling so he followed him and grabbed his wrist.
“Babe, didn’t you hear it when I called you?” He seemed startled by his action.
“Hyung. Mianhe. I didn’t hear it.”
He could feel that something is wrong with his maknae and tried to ask him what’s wrong, only to be brushed off by him.
“What were you thinking?” He asked curiously.
“Nothing.”
“Ri, you know you’re a very bad liar.”
“Look, I gotta go. We’ll talk later cay?” He pressed his hand firmly, as if asking him to let him go.
“But …”
“You have practice to do hyung. Go.” And with that, Seung Ri just left without even saying his goodbye.
Damn! What the hell is happening!? He felt frustrated as that was the very last time he saw or even heard from Seung Ri. Honestly, he felt lost without him and he missed his maknae so very much. Yes, Ri is his maknae and everyone knows that very well.
“Are you ok?” Young Bae asks, startling him. He doesn’t realize it when his best friend came into his room.
“…”
“Ji, I can hear you from outside. Is everything ok?” Young Bae was persistent in asking him.
He glared at his best friend of 10 years, not wanting to say anything. He damn knows well why he was acting like this, yet he still asks the question. Must he rub it in?
“Ji…”
“No Bae. It’s not ok and it’s fucking not ok that I want to murder someone. Where the hell is he Bae?” He vented out his frustration to his friend.
“I thought he told you already? He went to the studio to tell you himself. You didn’t meet him?” He could clearly see his confused face.
“Oh, I did meet him Bae. Only to be ignored by him. What the hell happened anyway?” He gripped his phone, being frustrated.
“Were you alone that time?” He was surprised by the question.
It seems to him that Young Bae knew something that he didn’t.
“I’m with the 2NE1 girls Bae. You know we’re practicing for the Dream Concert.”
“I guess that must be the reason he ignored you then.”
“You know something right, Bae? Tell me. What did I do?” He was almost sobbing between his fingers as he felt restless of what happened.
“Sometimes Ji, you’re so dense about others’ feelings. I know you’re blunt but he’s your maknae, Ji. You always claim him as yours and heck! We all know how much both of you love each other but you’re just too dense sometimes.”
“What the hell, Bae! What did I do this time? Even if I hurt him, can’t he just talk to me about it? I thought he knows me better.”
“Ji, he has his pride and so do you. Think hard Ji. Think hard what you did for the past few days. And don’t worry, he will be back. It’s his home after all. You’re not the only one hurting Ji. He is hurting as well, maybe twice the pain from yours.” Bae just patted his back and walked away, giving him the time to think of what actually when wrong.
“Babe, where the hell are you? Just come home please. Come home to me.” He whispered those words out of blue, missing his only sunshine.
……….
Seung Ri was wandering along the Han River, being alone was something that he really needed at the moment. He needed to think about everything, whether it’s all worth the world to him. He had underestimated the power of jealousy in his life and he regretted it, a lot.
He thought being jealous of Ji Yong was childish. He has been the maknae and he knew Ji Yong dote him a lot, well, that guy was practically crazy about him. The feeling was mutual between them and thinking there’s nothing to be jealous of since they are so much in love.
But after what he saw a few days ago, an ugly feeling arose and made him restless. He felt hurt by what he saw though he knows he wasn’t supposed to feel like that. It was just a performance and what Ji Yong did was part of the choreography. But why did it hurt too much?
The first time he saw it, he could still brush it off. He could still laugh and tease Ji Yong about it. He understands because he is an entertainer himself. Fan-services were necessary. Fans love it when they give them something to shout and screaming for more but the second time was too much for him.
The ringtone of his handphone seems to startle him from his thought.
“Hyung.” He greets the other person.
“Where are you Ri?” There’s a concern voice in the older guy he respect.
“Somewhere hyung.”
“Come home Ri. You need to come home.” The older seems to be begging him.
“Not now YoungBae hyung. I need to be alone first.”
“He’s worried about you. He hasn’t …”
“Is he hyung? I don’t know. I’ll come back when I’m ready.”
“Ri, you both need to talk. If you continue to be like this, it’ll only bring more pain to both of you. Just come back Ri. He needs you.”
And with that, Young Bae hangs up on him. He understands his hyung concern and how he is sandwich between them. Young Bae is Ji Yong best friend of 10 years, while he is the maknae of their group. Both of them are important to him.
Honestly, he missed his bickering with Ji Yong. It’s been two days since he last saw him. He didn’t even pick up his call or replied his text back. As much as he wanted to, he is afraid that he would say the wrong things again. Both of them always tend to say something hurtful whenever they are angry and he didn’t want to regret if that happened this time.
He remembered the first time he met Ji Yong, he wasn’t even attracted to that guy. He remembered him as the guy with the arrogant smirk. He wasn’t that close to him as he was closer to Young Bae and TOP hyung during their trainee days. But somehow, he could always see him as a mentor. There’s no denying that he idolized Ji Yong and he isn’t ashamed of acknowledging it.
As time passed by, he became closer with Ji Yong. He became the friend Ji Yong could confide in, he became the dongsaeng Ji Yong never had, his partner in crime and the maknae that Ji Yong really adore. But not once, in his mind that he would fall in love with the older guy.
He didn’t know when it happened but he feels attached to him. Luckily the feeling was mutual between them. Their relationship was like an open secret in the YG family. No one question them and they don’t really discuss about their relationship to others either. More or less, they are living in their own world and no one really bother as Ji has always been the eccentric guy while Ri just being Ri.
It’s almost 2.00 am when Ri reach the Big Bang dormitory. He thought it’s the best time to come home as Ji may have already fall asleep. Ri still doesn’t think he’s ready to face Ji yet. He let out a relieve breath when he saw the living room was dark when he steps into the house. As he walked past the room he shares with Ji, he stop and has the urge to check on him but refrained himself from doing so. After a few lingering looks at the door, he decided it was best to just go sleep in the room he once occupied with Dae before. He decided that maybe, if tomorrow ever comes, when he has calm down, he will talk to him with ease and not being resentful.
A few steps and he stop abruptly as he heard the voice. The voice he’s been missing the past few days.
“Just two days being away and you’ve already forgetten your own room Ri? That’s clearly not the way to your room Lee Seung Hyun!”
He wanted to walk away from him, so he pretend not to hear him and just walk towards Dae Sung room when he felt his wrist being pulled harshly.
“Don’t fucking ignore me Ri. Don’t!”
There’s a desperate plea on that voice. The sweet sweet voice he loves.
“Why aren’t you sleeping hyung?”
“Don’t we have something to talk? I’ve been waiting for you. Two days Ri! Two fucking days you’ve leave me hanging. What happened?”
“Go to sleep hyung. It’s already late. Don’t you have practice tomorrow?” He still didn’t look at his beloved. He didn’t have the courage as he feared his jealousy will take over his insanity.
“Why are you ignoring me Ri?”
He could hear the sadness in his voice and honestly, it’s killing him but Ri will always be Lee Seung Hyun. Lee Seung Hyun is a stubborn and proud guy.
“You’re thinking too much hyung. I’m not ignoring you. It’s late hyung.”
He tried to walk away but the grip on his wrist was tightened. Obviously, Ji didn’t want to let him go yet.
“Let’s… let’s just talk about this cay Ri? We need to talk. Let’s just sit and talk first.”
“Please hyung. We’ll talk later cay.” He tried to loosen up Ji’s grip but failed.
Ji’s eyes were looking straight as if pleading Ri to look at him. Ri let out a heavy sigh. This was really not what he had in mind. He felt that coming home was a mistake.
“I’m not going to let you go. Never.” Those words stab him right into his heart.
He slowly slump down as he didn’t have any more courage to hold back what he’s been feeling this few days. The jealousy he’s been hiding was slowly eating him up, turning him into an ugly person. He sobbed silently thinking what he was becoming.
……….
Ji seems surprised seeing his maknae in the situation. He could feel his heart slowly breaking into pieces as he saw how vulnerable his maknae has become. The Lee Seung Hyun he knew was strong and cocky. He won’t show his vulnerable side to anyone, not even to him but tonight seeing Ri like this really break his heart. Without he realized, he too, slumped in front of his maknae, hugging him close to his heart.
“I’m sorry… I’m sorry… I’m sorry…” he keep repeating the words although he didn’t know the real reason behind his apologies but he was certain it’s all related to him.
He knew because his maknae would never ignore him without a reason. He’s been with him for three years and it’s been one year since they come clean about their feeling towards each other. Not even once his maknae turn his back on him. Ri may be a proud person but he was very warm and gentle with others who know him personally especially Ji. After all, they are close for a very special reason. The very special reason that made him the happiest and luckiest person when Ri told him their feeling were mutual.
“Let go hyung.” His words startled him.
He looked at him dumbfounded. What really happened to this guy? To guy he is in love with?
“Talk to me Ri. Talk to me so we could discuss this together.” He cupped his maknae face, making him to look straight at him.
Ri tried to avoid his gaze but he was not one that easily gave up.
“What really happened between us babe? Why can’t you look at me? Am I too filthy for you now?”
“Hyung… please, don’t say that.” Ri look at him straight in the eyes for the first time that night. He could see the younger guy was having a debate between himself.
“Then tell me what’s wrong.”
“Nothing. Let’s just go to sleep will you? I’m too tired.”
He wanted to urge the younger boy but he was startle when he heard Ri’s phone ringing. Who would call his maknae at 3.00 am? Jealousy seems to suddenly emerge within him. He just listened as Ri picking up his phone.
“Noona. Yes, I’m home. It’s occay. I’ll see you later then.” And with that, Ri’s hang up his phone.
So, does this mean that he has been spending his time with a noona for the past few days? He cursed himself for being jealous over something uncertain but he can’t help asking Ri who the hell has been calling him at 3.00 am.
“Who is it?”
“A friend.” The answer was shot and Ji was completely unsatisfied.
“I asked who the hell was that Ri!” He gripped Ri’s wrist a little bit too tight.
“Let go hyung. You’re hurting me.”
“Then tell me who the hell that call you at 3 in the morning damn it!” He tried to snatch Ri’s phone but failed as the younger guy caught his left hand.
“Hyung! Stop it will you!? It’s Solbi noona.”
“Oh, now it’s Solbi noona. So you went missing for two days just to spend your time with your Solbi noona? Is that it? You made me worried while you enjoyed your time with Solbi noona? Nice Lee Seung Hyun, so very nice of you!!”
Ji couldn’t help making assumption as he knew how close Ri relationship with Solbi since they started doing the Music Core mc-ing last year. Solbi’s name was practically all over Ri saying how nice that older was, how caring she was, how soothing her voice was. It’s all about the great Solbi Kwon in Seungri eyes.
“Stop accusing me if you don’t know anything hyung. Am I that kind of person hyung? Am I?” Seungri yanked his hand from Ji’s grip and stand up. Ji could feel that Ri was walking away from him.
“Don’t! Don’t ever turn your back on me Lee Seung Hyun. We haven’t finished yet.” He stand up and tried to grab Seungri’s arm, preventing him from walking away.
“But I’m done hyung. I’m done. Let me go hyung. Let’s talk when we’ve calm down.” Seungri turn around and look at him straight in the eyes, as if pleading him to let him go.
“I’m not done yet Ri. And I’m not fucking let you go. You know that and you know it very well Ri.”
“What do you want hyung? Accusing me for something I didn’t do? Is that it?” He could feel Ri’s eyes piercing deep into his.
“So you don’t? Then why the hell she called you at 3 in the morning? Don’t tell it’s nothing Ri cause I know damn well how much you’re smitten by her! Isn’t she your lovely lovely Solbi noona?” Ji couldn’t help but spat on his words, for saying those that he knew will hurt Seungri.
“How could you! How could you say that to me!!” He could see hatred was burning in Seung Ri’s eyes but he couldn’t help but to rub more salt in his pain.
“Isn’t that the truth Ri?”
“You tell me Kwon Ji Yong. What about you and Dara noona then? Tell me what’s the difference between my relationship with Solbi noona and yours with Dara noona?”
“……” there’s silence between them.
“You can’t answer right? If you can’t answer that damn question then let me go hyung! Let the hell go of me!”And this time, Ji could really feel that Ri’s was out of his reach.
Though his hand still gripping tight of Ri’s arm, he could feel that Ri’s was slipping away from him and he couldn’t let that happened. He couldn’t let the only source of his life to slip away from him, even when he knew he has hurt the guy he love too deep. But the words from Ri made his heart shattered, knowing that how wrongly he had accused the younger guy.
“And so you know hyung, Solbi noona is just a sister to me. She is already taken by Andy hyung and you know that damn well too aite? He was with us the other night, advising me to calm myself first before talking to you. And no hyung, I didn’t spent the night at her place cause I’ve been wandering for the past two fucking nights thinking how ugly the jealousy in me has eaten me up! But do you even care Kwon Ji Yong? No! You didn’t!!”
“Ri…”
“You didn’t but you keep accusing me for things I didn’t do. Do you know why she called? Because she’s worried, she’s worried that I will let my jealousy take over me. And do you know what she said? She said that what we have is something really precious and beautiful and I should hold on to that, hold on to you, to your trust. But what did she got from you? You accused her! And you accused me! Is that the trust she wanted me to hold on hyung? Does is even worth it now?”
He could see his lover slump down on him, crying his heart out for the pain he had brought to him. He was the bad guy now and he regret saying those hurtful words, wishing that he could take all the words back and turn back the time. Without realizing, he hug his baby tight, too tight as if afraid that once he let loose his hug, he will lose him forever and that was the only thing he’s been afraid of in his life. He was afraid of losing Lee Seung Hyun.
“Mianhe Ri. Mianhe. I didn’t know. I’m selfish yes, I’m selfish and I didn’t deserve your love. But please… don’t fucking let me go Ri. Don’t let go. I’m sorry Ri. I really am.” He sobbed between his words, kissing Ri’s face, kissing the tears that was streaming on his face.
“What should I do hyung? What should I do?”
“Dara noona is a family to me Ri. There’s nothing going on between me and her. You have to trust me. You have to!”
“I don’t know anymore hyung. I just don’t know.” He keeps mumbling those words.
“Ri, I love you. And I fucking love you that it hurts too much. I was jealous. I was selfish. You’ve been ignoring me for two days and I didn’t know what to do. It hurts when you ignore me. It damn hurt Ri. I’m sorry for the pain I’ve caused you and I’m sorry for being a jerk but Ri, I love you. Please don’t hate me. Please don’t let go of me. I’ll do anything to make it up to you Ri.”
He was pleading; looking straight into Ri’s broken eyes searching for the love that he hoped was still there for him. And when he found it, he kisses his love life with gentle and soft kisses, afraid to hurt him more.
Ji Yong was afraid that he will be rejected but when he feel his broken angel returned his kisses, that was when he feel that his life is completed again. He promised himself that he will make it up for all the pain he has cause the younger guy even if it takes his whole life to do so.
“You’re so much of a butterfly hyung. You’re making me afraid that I’m never good enough for you.” The words between the kisses, as much as it hurt, warmth his heart cause Lee Seung Hyun never know that he worth much more than Ji’s deserve in his life.
“But I’m always your butterfly, always.” As he deepen their kisses and take his love to their own sweet world.