"I Call the Storms to Remind You Who You Are"
Probably my last personal post.
Life has been shitty lately. Insomnia, emotional trouble, work trouble, communication trouble... Basically it's been the closest I've been to considering suicide in nearly a decade.
I've spoken to professionals, and it hasn't helped. Friends have wandered off about their own lives, and I'm not about to ask them to stop on my account. Girlfriend's been MIA for the last two months after a promise of two weeks. But I have gone off to see doctors and get pills, and talk about all the little shit that really can't be fixed in the least.
Work is a dead end. I was losing inspiration. I would have been cutting again if it hadn't been for my work forcing me into the public eye.
I think, today, I'm passed all that shit.
What actually helped was the exact same thing that helped me in high school: music and art. After friends went off, and I was hearby the heartless bitch of the bunch, and before the love of my life stepped into the picture, I fell into the same spirals. And the same things pulled me out again.
It's stupid, and clichéd. Cheesy, and probably beyond pathetic. But out of everything I enjoy in life, The Cruxshadows are what reminded me of who I was.
I am a stubborn bitch. I don't give up, I don't back down from challenges, and I don't let myself get pulled into those damned depressions any more. I fight. And since I don't have anyone else in my corner to back me up, then it's even more important that I don't give up.
For the first time in about a month, I'm making plans for next year. I'm still trying to decide between a trip to Australia or England, and I have no idea what sort of career I actually want other than to keep on my writing, but I have an idea of what kind of life I want. And it seems a hell of a lot less impossible now that I can honestly remind myself of who I am. I would think it a perfect world if Katy still wanted me in her life, but I'm getting over the thoughts that I'm not worth waiting for now. While I love her, and always will, I still need plans and something to anchor myself again.
So I've hit the eye of the storm-- that moment of absolute clarity that slots everything that went to shit back into place and you can see that sunlight way off in the distance. I know the peace and reassurance won't last long, but at least I know I can weather it now.
Everything from this post on should just be fics, fic-recs, or fandom related in some way.
Shit. I need proper sleep.
Here's hoping I dream of fireflies.
Life has been shitty lately. Insomnia, emotional trouble, work trouble, communication trouble... Basically it's been the closest I've been to considering suicide in nearly a decade.
I've spoken to professionals, and it hasn't helped. Friends have wandered off about their own lives, and I'm not about to ask them to stop on my account. Girlfriend's been MIA for the last two months after a promise of two weeks. But I have gone off to see doctors and get pills, and talk about all the little shit that really can't be fixed in the least.
Work is a dead end. I was losing inspiration. I would have been cutting again if it hadn't been for my work forcing me into the public eye.
I think, today, I'm passed all that shit.
What actually helped was the exact same thing that helped me in high school: music and art. After friends went off, and I was hearby the heartless bitch of the bunch, and before the love of my life stepped into the picture, I fell into the same spirals. And the same things pulled me out again.
It's stupid, and clichéd. Cheesy, and probably beyond pathetic. But out of everything I enjoy in life, The Cruxshadows are what reminded me of who I was.
I am a stubborn bitch. I don't give up, I don't back down from challenges, and I don't let myself get pulled into those damned depressions any more. I fight. And since I don't have anyone else in my corner to back me up, then it's even more important that I don't give up.
For the first time in about a month, I'm making plans for next year. I'm still trying to decide between a trip to Australia or England, and I have no idea what sort of career I actually want other than to keep on my writing, but I have an idea of what kind of life I want. And it seems a hell of a lot less impossible now that I can honestly remind myself of who I am. I would think it a perfect world if Katy still wanted me in her life, but I'm getting over the thoughts that I'm not worth waiting for now. While I love her, and always will, I still need plans and something to anchor myself again.
So I've hit the eye of the storm-- that moment of absolute clarity that slots everything that went to shit back into place and you can see that sunlight way off in the distance. I know the peace and reassurance won't last long, but at least I know I can weather it now.
Everything from this post on should just be fics, fic-recs, or fandom related in some way.
Shit. I need proper sleep.
Here's hoping I dream of fireflies.