Start this new year off with a bang
I was less than a cunt hair away from being sandwiched between two National Guard 18 wheelers that ran a red light this morning. I could not honk or flip them off vehemently enough. Now that I think about it, I should have let them total my car, because hello- my lawfirm has fucking wet dreams about the perfect 18 wheeler accident. Bastards fucking do one every time a Wal Mart freight truck pulls across traffic. But alas, my fellow citizens get even bigger hard ons for the good ole boy "Support Our Troops" yellow ribbon magnets, and probably would have set up a fund raiser at the accident scene to pay for the body work to scrape my wasted broken body off those fine patriotic chassis.
I don't plan on being full of this much piss and vinegar but on the other hand, irrational, irreverant growling and snarling at the public is sort of therapeutic. After I got laid off and picked up on this job, I threw myself into this job like I never had before in my life. I kissed so much ass, my jaw ached by 5 pm. Night after night I would struggled to closing time just dreaming of hugging my puppy, playing an hour of Borderlands and destressing with a beer- only to be asked at the last possible minute to stay late because some other staffer left without finishing her work. I did it with a smile. I gave vacation days to other staffers (let them have first pick of the best days to take off) and I did it with a smile. I got assigned to the self proclaimed asshole of the firm and I worked for him with a smile. And I told myself I would be devasted if I didn't get some sort of raise for *this much* hard work. Reports started coming in of how profitable the firm was becoming. The firm president sent out emails on all the successes and satisfied clients the firm was having. And I thought, as I stayed late AGAIN, that surely we will get some sort of raise. Then end of year checks start coming in and I see my bosses getting their cuts of $30,000, $19,000, $70,000, $129,000 from cases and I think- wow! profit! Only, we're not getting raises. A consulting firm that we hired to make the firm more efficient and profitable put staff salary on the chopping block. And so now I have to smile and kiss ass to attorneys to whom money is no fucking object, while I balance my budget to make sure my husband and I have gas money. I know I am being a bad Christian. I know I have much to be thankful for, but I told myself I would be devasted if I didn't see some sort of result for that year of hard work. And I think I am a little bit. There are things coming up that I want to participate in, things that are brought up in casual conversation and I have to just smile and "we'll see" and change the subject because I can't afford to buy a hair cut, much less any extracurricular activities. So I come to work, and I smile at these men and they smile back, but on the inside, something in me is burning.