(no subject)
just got home about a half an hour ago and i feel like shit. I'm doubting so many things right now. Things i cant discuss here. It wouldnt be right. I had to go to a wedding. It was great. But i was the only teenager there. I guess there was a hockey tournament...and a few teams were staying at the hotel the wedding was at. They were hot. I refused to dance, which is very unlike me, but after like 4 glasses of chardoney, i was ripping it up. I got pretty smashed. But my parents didnt care. Like i said, i just got home. and now i'm online. and like, i cant say what it is, but it just gave me a huge anxiety attack. i cant breathe right now and so many thoughts are running through my head. It hurts. I kinda just want to curl up into a ball and cry. it hurts so much to breathe. my chest is sooo tight. i wish i didnt have this fucking problem. i hate it. it ruins my life. it seems like i cant enjoy anything anymore. i seriously hate myself when i'm like this, cuz i remember how it was to be happy all the time. I fucking hate being a teenager. I just want to mature and get on with my life. I wish i could skip these years, they're nothing but drama. nothing makes sense to me. also, i hate having trust issues. I hate being terrified of relationships with anyone. especially with guys. I hate the feeling that i'm always being played or cheated on. I can never believe that a guy likes me for me. It's like he wants me for something, and then just drops me. oh, that brings me to another thing. I am fully aware of my trust issues. i know. but i still think i can trust people. people that end up hurting me. i'm tired of being hurt, or let down. My best friends know I would die for them. I love them. They're the only ones i feel i can trust. They listen to me and are there for me. ok, back to complaining about mential instabilities. Why do i fall so quickly? with a lot of my guy friends, the relationship is no where near platonic. except for a few. in most cases, i've been attracted to them, or them to me. I hate falling for people. my friends have really helped me out. they tell me, eventhough i never want to hear it, if i should really spend time hung up on someone. 9 out of 10 times my friends are right. I think they know me better than i know myself. I just want them to know that they are my world. I love you all to death.