The Only Way You'll Listen
A person can only take so much in their lifetime.
So much heartbreak. So many lies. So many broken promises.
Do you realize how much I loved you? How much I still love you. I love you so much, that I hate it. I hate you, but I don’t. I don’t know what I feel anymore. There was a time when we were happy. Do you remember that? Do you remember those nights I would sneak out of my room to meet you? You were waiting outside of my window with that gorgeous smile of yours. Those dimples; like tiny pools that I could have swam in all day. I remember vividly. We would spend the night walking around aimlessly; happy to just spend time together. Eating Ice Cream, catching a movie. Did we ever actually watch one all the way through? I think we were so focused on each other, that I barely caught the intro.
I’d sneak back into my room at night, but my mother always seemed to know. She loved that I had a boyfriend, but hated that I snuck out with you every night. You were my first love. You were my first kiss, and even my first lover. If someone were to have asked me if you were the one for me back then, I would have said yes with no hesitation.
You and I….just fit, you know? It wasn’t something we had to name or define. You completed me. It didn’t matter where we were, or what we had, as long as we were together. I know I was just a love sick teenager back then. Regardless, what I felt was real. You were my knight in shining armor; hilariously cute eyebrows and all.
I just….
I just wish…..
Maybe that was a dream. Something that I need to get over. A story I fell asleep reading which had somehow seeped into my dreams. Me , the little girl surrounded by pink and ponies; told dreams of princes and happily ever afters.
How stupid.
Careless.
Oh, but how I wanted it.
Needed it.
You were so awkward back then. It was funny, and it was so…human. You were so perfect; I guess it was only normal that you had some sort of a flaw. Even so, it wasn’t quite a flaw. I spent so much time trying to find something wrong about you. This person before me, loving me, holding me, kissing me. How can this perfect being love someone as imperfect as me? But no, you would kiss me softly and reassure me that I was all you needed. To you, I was perfect.
An angel. I was yours, and I didn’t want it any other way.
Like a fairy Tale.
Like a spell.
Like a Dream.
I remember the day you asked me to marry you. I had spent all day working, and all I wanted to do was come home and rest. You were standing outside of my door with my luggage in the trunk of your car. Where were we going? What did you have planned? You bought us tickets to Paris for the weekend. Even if your father owned one of the largest and most famous grocery store chains in Korea, you never went out of your way to flaunt your money. This was something I always loved about you. So modest and simple; yet daring and adventurous.
Perfect.
We spent most of our time visiting shops, taking pictures, and enjoying the cuisine. I had so much fun that weekend. On the last day, we went to a giant fountain outside of a beautiful chapel. I threw my shoes off and jumped into the fountain. Laughing and coyly coxing you to join me. You smiled; again with those dimples of yours. Jumping in, you and I took turns splashing each other and chasing each other. Finally when I felt it was time to leave, you grabbed me. You gripped my face in those strong, yet soft hands of yours and we sat there staring at each other. It wasn’t awkward, or uncomfortable. I couldn’t think of any place I’d rather have been; anything I would have rather of been doing then looking at you. Those beautiful brown eyes that always seemed to twinkle. If eyes were the window to a person’s soul, then your soul was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. You dropped down to one knee in front of me and grasped my hands tightly in your hands. My heart skipped three beats, did you know that? What about your pants? You know you’re getting them wet.
When you asked me to marry you, I couldn’t help but cry. That night, the stars lit up for you and I. The lights of Paris glittered for us.
On our wedding day, I was nervous. So nervous that I wasn’t sure I could stand straight. I was going to marry the love of my life soon. I walked down the aisle as music flittered around me. You were standing up ahead; staring at me with those smoldering eyes of yours. I saw pride, love and happiness in those eyes. Everyone was watching me and my every move, but all I could see you. Every step I took brought me one step closer to you. We met hand and hand before we were asked to read our vows. Of course I would take this man to be my husband. I couldn’t think of anything else but that. When the Pastor announced you could kiss the bride, you did just that. That was one of the best kisses I had ever had. It was soft, yet passionate. You had always wanted to be married in the same church that your father married your mother, and that’s just what we did.
Our honeymoon came right after that. I was nervous, not because of me, but because of you. You and I had never done anything sexual before that night. Of course we’d done other things, but nothing like this. Would I be okay? Would it hurt? You have no idea how many butterflies were in my stomach. Then it happened, I was taken over by your soft touches, sweet caresses, and loving words. We spent the first two days in our villa just enjoying each other. I don’t think we left one room of that place untouched before we left.
We’d been married for a year before it happened. The thing that changed our lives forever. Your father decided to let you take over his company. You were worried, yet excited. You wondered over and over again if you would make a great CEO. You would be responsible for the hundreds of people who were working for you. I thought, at that time, things were going to get better. For a while there they were, until it consumed you. The late nights at work became more frequent. The times I ate dinner alone in that big empty house became a ritual for me. Why did I ever bother still making a plate for you? They would just be cold lumps of food that I had to throw away before I crawled into bed anyways. That bed.
How I hate that bed.
I remember going sleeping in that large, oversized pile of fluff alone. Waking up alone. Did you ever even come home those nights? I would cry sometimes, did you know that? Cry until I couldn’t breathe. Cry until I could barely see my own hand in front of my face. Cry until everything just became numb.
And you were a riot.
You said I was being difficult. You said everything you were doing was for our future. And I believed it!
Every lie spoken like sweet poison. I was so in love that I could never see it. I wanted more of that poison. More of it because it was the only way I could go to sleep at night. I wonder if there was another woman.
Doubt it.
You were too busy to cheat. At least with another person.
Your job was the other woman. She had a pull on you that I could never hope to have had. She got you to do things that I had to beg you to do for me.
The broken lunch dates, the missing birthdays. The lonely Christmases.
I had to put up with this for years. Did you even care?
When I got pregnant, I thought things would change. I thought we could be a family, or at least try to be.
But you know, you couldn’t even make it to the hospital when I was in labor could you?
You came the next day, so I forgave you. When you held our daughter, I saw that twinkle in your eyes again. That twinkle that I hadn’t seen in two years. That was my hope, my medicine. It led me to think things would be better.
And they were!
For a while…
You took time off to spend with Minhee and I, and we were a family. Finally what I had wished for since the beginning was coming true. I was truly happy again. But you know?
That bitch showed up again.
You’re lovely little mistress.
She waggled her fingers at you, and the temptation was too great. Back to work you went.
Lies upon lies upon lies. And this time, there was another person involved. Our daughter. Or did you forget?
Do you even know what her first words were? I bet you don’t. You didn’t even answer the phone when I tried to call you with the news. She said ‘appa’. She said it with so much happiness and joy. Sorry honey, but there is no appa. None.
Only a man.
A man who looked like appa.
It’s a lie though.
There is no appa.
She had to grow up seeing a man in a picture frame. Do you know how many nights I caught her staring at your picture? The tears she cried when she thought I wasn’t looking.
I saw myself in her. The tears I’d senselessly shed over you all of those nights. That same thing was happening to Minhee. The one man in her life that was supposed to protect her from heartbreak was the one causing it. She was slowly losing her faith in men before she even had a chance to experience love.
It broke my heart.
For years I’ve held on. Hoping and waiting. Thinking that things would get better, but they never did, did they. So I’m sending this email to you. Maybe now you’ll listen to me. It seems you pay more attention to these things then your family anyways. Why not speak your language? Treat our marriage like a business contract. The contract is up, and we have decided to move on to partner with another company.
I regret to inform you that our merger is over.
Please do not take this business decision personally.
You know how these things are.
Please reframe from contacting anyone from our business, and accept that this was done for the sake of our company.
By the time you read this email, Minhee and I will be gone. Where? I don’t know. As far from here as possible, that’s for sure. I’ve disconnected my cell phone and disposed of it, so don’t bother calling it. Everyone already knows what’s going on, so they won’t tell you where we have gone either.
I just want you to know that I truly loved you. Enough to go against my own happiness just to try and make you happy. I see there is only one thing that can make you happy, and unfortunately I cannot give it to you.
My lawyer will contact you in three days with the divorce papers.
And no, he will not discuss our whereabouts with you either.
Don’t even bother trying to pay him off.
I wish and hope you find true happiness one day in your life. I hope you know what you lost, and remember what could have been.
Goodbye…
I took a shaky breath and sighed deeply. My sobs were choked and horse. I had spent the last two days and nights packing and fighting to keep my resolve in my decision to leave my husband. Choi Siwon was the love of my life, but I was not going to ruin the lives of my daughter and myself to try to prove that. I had spent the last ten years trying to. An arm wrapped itself around my shoulder causing me to look up. My older brother Kyuhyun looked down at me with sadness radiating on his face. I didn’t want or need his pity. I just needed to get the hell out of here.
He helped me to stand up, I needed the support. I knew I wasn’t able to support myself at that moment. I took one look around the large house I had rotted away in for the last ten years and held back a sob. I couldn’t figure out if it was because of happiness or sadness. It felt the same honestly. Kyuhyun and I walked slowly to the door and made our way outside towards his car. Minhee was looking back at them from the backseat. I could tell she had been crying, but even she understood what we had to do. Kyuhyun opened the passenger down and helped me inside before shutting it and making his way over to the driver’s seat. He climbed in and started the car up before driving down our lawn and out of the front gates. They slammed shut behind us before I took one last look back.
Siwon finally let out a sigh as he plopped down into his large office chair. He ran a hand through his chocolate brown locks before opening up his email on his computer. He scanned through his inbox without any particular interest. ‘Business meeting, project, project, Tiffany….how many times did he have to tell that girl he wasn’t interested?’ An email with his wife’s name caught his attention; which caused him to raise his eyebrows in surprise. She’d never sent one before. What was the occasion? With mild interest, he opened it up and scanned the first line.
As he continued to read on, he couldn’t help but feel confused. What was she saying all of this for?
By the time you read this email, Minhee and I will be gone….
Siwon’s heart rate began to quicken. Gone? She had to be joking right? She couldn’t be serious.
His hand trembled slightly as he reached for his cellphone. He clicked his contacts before locating her cellphone. “Where sorry, but the number you have reached is no longer in service. Please hang up and try again.” He slammed his fist down onto his desk causing the objects that lay across it to crash to the ground. His ears caught the sound of cracking and he looked down to see a picture frame.
It was a picture of Minhee and his wife smiling. They were eating ice cream and giving a peace sign to the camera.
His heart began to ache.
Without a thought, he grabbed his keys and rushed out of his office. His secretary stared at the normally stoic and strong looking man as he raced into the elevator before pressing the down button.
“Siwon, wh-“Her words were cut off as the doors closed and the elevator began making its descent to the first floor.
“Please, please let this be a dream.”
Siwon could care less that he was doing going 25 over the speed limit. He didn’t care about being pulled over, or getting in an accident. He just knew he needed to get home, and quickly.
He never knew she felt the way she did. He never sat back to think about how much he had been neglecting his family. He clenched the steering wheel tightly and prayed. Prayed that he would make it in time to stop them. Stop his wife, the woman he loved from leaving him.
Pulling in through the gates, he hurriedly parked his car and ran to the door. The door opened easily signaling that no one locked it. He stepped in and peeked around for signs of anyone still being there. The silence around him was deafening as all he could hear was the sounds of his shoes clacking against the marble floor. It sounded so lonely. So empty. He ran upstairs and opened his closet doors. Her things were gone. All of it. He sprinted to Minhee’s room just to be met with the same thing.
Nothing.
Siwon fell to his knees and let out a sound of anguish. He desperately grabbed at the carpet. Anything. He needed to grab onto something so he didn’t float away.
Tears cascaded down his cheeks as he pounded relentlessly against the ground. He was angry, hurt, sad and most importantly, he felt guilty. Guilty that he wasn’t there for the two people who needed him the most. Guilty that it took all of this to realize how much they meant to him.
He began to feel his energy drain as he fell on his back. He blankly stared at the ceiling above him. He couldn’t see it though. He couldn’t see anything. He cried until he couldn’t breathe. He cried until he barely could see his own hand in front of his face.
He cried until everything just became numb.