Shadowplay: Getting What You Ask For
Gathering Shadows Kashira Theatre Presents: Getting What You Ask For
In honor of St. Expedite, with sincere and humble gratitude for the help, and appreciation that we got exactly what we asked for. Many, many thanks.
The Play begins with the curtain down.
A-KO: [offstage] Once upon a time, there were a mad scientist, a mad artist, and a mad er... er.. television personality, and they all lived together in a studio beside a river.
[Curtain lifts for ACT I]
[Scene: A crowded workshop. The space is filled with bits and pieces from former Shadowplays, including tables littered with junk, large set pieces looming in the background, and mysterious wires dangling from the ceiling. One table is full of bubbling retorts and distillation equipment, including a jacob's ladder and a tiny Van de Graaff generator, the latter wreathed with roses. In the background, something which looks like a large lathe is draped with bunting and artificial flowers. A carnival head with enormous antlers has been put away on a high shelf; colored bulbs hang from the antlers.
B-KO, dressed in a lab coat, is sprawled on a beanbag chair slightly to stage left. She is watching a television which is hooked up, by a number of cables, to a large, messy complex of machinery, part of which is labeled "UNIVERSAL ROBOT REPAIR MECHANISM."
C-KO, still with small wings, and dressed in a short frilly skirt and a ridiculous little maid's cap, enters from stage left.]
C-KO: I'm home.
B-KO: Shhhhhh! I'm watching Mythbusters!
C-KO: Great, just great. I work my ass off all day waitressing while you lie around watching television. [She takes off the maid cap and flings it aside; it lands on something which looks like an old-fashioned antenna and dangles there sadly.]
B-KO: I'm doing research! [She waves a clipboard.]
C-KO: Research?
B-KO: Yes, I'm watching all the shows and estimating their budget, so I know how much the government is likely to fund me for.
C-KO: [snorts] Fat lot of good that will do. [She stomps over to an artist's slope, stage right, and sits down on a box labeled "ACME GUARANTEED TNT: -BEST EXPLOSIONS, EVERY TIME-." She begins to work at something pinned to the slope.]
A-KO: [enters from around the pile of stuff in the back.] I have such a terrible crick in my neck!
B-KO: Shhhh! [Sounds of explosions and people laughing maniacally come from the television set.]
C-KO: [Absently.] Why?
A-KO: I fell asleep in the flying saucer while I was making some modifications. [She goes to a refrigerator, moves a couple of 50-gallon drums from in front of the door, and opens it.] Don't we have anything in here besides iced tea?
C-KO: No.
A-KO: Didn't you buy anything on your way home from work?
C-KO: I don't get paid until Friday.
A-KO: You're so mean. What's in this? [Takes out a large tupperware container.]
B-KO: Shhhhhh! I'm trying to take notes here! [She scribbles on her clipboard.]
C-KO: [without looking up.] That's either the cloned sea cucumbers or B-Ko's leftovers from the flea circus.
A-KO: [putting it back without opening it.] You're so mean. We need someone who cares about food around here.
C-KO: What we really need around here is someone else who's willing to get a job.
B-KO: [dreamily] I need a robot. We need a robot.
A-KO: You all suck. [Stomps out, stage left.]
[C-KO continues to work. B-KO continues to watch television. Presently, A-KO bursts back in, sopping wet and carrying something that looks like either a deformed watermelon or the world's largest peach.]
A-KO: Look what I found!
C-KO: Why are you wet?
A-KO: I fell in the river. But that's not important, look at this peach!
B-KO: Clearly, someone else around here must be into mad science! Look at the size of that thing!
C-KO: Did you find that in the river? The one right outside? No way am I eating that, that's totally insanitary, completely aside from my feelings about eating things mad scientists have been experimenting on.
A-KO [setting the peach down on a table she clears with a sweep of her arm] Don't be so fussy, at least I found something for dinner! [She rummages about and comes up with a huge cleaver.] This will be fantastic!
B-KO: Wait, let me take some measurements!
C-KO: Let me put on a raincoat, that thing is going to splash!
A-KO: [raises the knife] We're going to eat you, little peachy!
[Before she can slice the peach, it falls into two halves. In the center is GIR, slurping out of a bottle labeled "PEACH SODA."]
GIR: HiiiiiiiiiiiIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A-KO: [drops knife] What the---! AUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
B-KO: It's a ROBOT!
C-KO: Well, that was unexpected.
A-KO: AAAUUUGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
GIR: Will you be my new friends?
B-KO: Of course! Why don't you come over here and let me examine you?
GIR: Sure! [Hops down from the table]
A-KO: AAAAUUUUGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
B-KO: Now just step over here... hmmmmm.....
GIR: Oh, look at the funny dial!
B-KO: Yes, that's just right.... A-Ko, could you PLEASE be a little quieter?
A-KO: AAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
C-KO: I doubt it.
B-KO: Well, why on earth not?
C-KO: That would be because she dropped the knife on her foot.
A-KO: AAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Curtain]
[ACT II]
[Scene: The same workshop. In the background, the Van de Graaff generator is putting off small blue sparks and ghostly roses. A-KO, with one foot in a large cast, is sitting on the beanbag chair, watching GIR in the "kitchen" -- a set of work tables around the refrigerator.]
A-KO: Now you pour in the liquid nitrogen very, very slowly, Gir.
GIR: Okay! [Tips up the liquid nitrogen canister with one hand, pours it out into the large mixing bowl on the enormous restaurant-size stand mixer.]
A-KO: And start the --AUGH! [She yells as the cloud of nitrogen billows over and obscures everything.] What's going on?
GIR: [Two glowing eyes shining through the nitrogen fog] I'm stuck to the bowl.
C-KO: [Enters from stage left, in her maid-waitress uniform] What the-- Is something on fire?
A-KO: No, no! We're making peach ice cream!
Gir: I like ice cream!
C-KO: I think your ice cream exploded.
B-KO: [Appearing from behind a large, half-disassembled washing machine which is labeled, for some reason, MELCHIOR.] Exploded? How did you manage to do that? Let me see!
GIR: I haven't exploded. Yet.
A-KO: [Still in a cloud] I didn't hear an explosion!
B-KO: Gir, come help me make more explosions!
GIR: [Tugging on one arm, which appears to be stuck to the metal bowl of the mixer] Ummm! Rrrrr! Rrrrrrggh! I can't.
A-KO: We have to finish making ice cream first!
C-KO: [Wanders over, looks into the mixing bowl] Looks like you're done. Here, Gir. [Picks up a heating element, plugs it in, and holds it to GIR's arm.]
GIR: [Pops free of the bowl and falls over] Whee!
C-KO: Why don't we clean this up a little, Gir?
B-KO: But... explosions...
C-KO: Later, B-ko.
A-KO: What about our ice cream? I'm starving!
C-KO: [putting a mop into GIR's hands] You'll have to wait for it to thaw a little first.
[C-KO starts picking up some of the mess. GIR mops for a while, then ties rags to zir feet and goes skating around the floor. B-KO appears to be collecting small machine parts and model cars into a box, muttering all the while.]
B-KO: Gir, come here and help me assemble this!
GIR: Yes, sir! [Gir skates over to B-ko and starts helping B-ko build... something. It looks like a miniature castle made out of clockwork.]
A-KO: Gir, bring me some ice cream!
GIR: Yes, sir! [Grabs the entire mixing bowl and hurls it in a deadly accurate arc at A-KO's head.]
A-KO: [is hit on the head with the ice cream bowl, which makes a loud CLANG! She slides gently to the floor.]
C-KO: Gir... you should have handed the ice cream to her.
GIR: [Puts head on one side, gives C-KO a very blank look.] Why?
[B-KO's clockwork castle explodes. B-KO shrieks with excitement. GIR applauds. Curtain.]
[ACT III]
[Scene: The same workshop. The Van der Graff generator is off. The clockwork castle -- now in ruins, except for one tall tower with something which might be a telescope at the top of it -- is sitting prominently on a workbench. A-KO is lying sadly on a couch, her foot still in a cast, and her head heavily bandaged.]
C-KO: [Enters from stage left, in the maid-waitress uniform. Following her is GIR, also in a maid-waitress uniform] What a day. Gir, I'm very proud of you.
B-KO: [Working on a half-disassembled robotic dinosaur] Why, what did Gir do?
C-KO: Gir terrorized no fewer than three of the the dickheads who usually try to pinch my ass into leaving huge tips.
B-KO: How did zie do that?
GIR: They wanted to know what was under my skirt! [Twirls around]
B-KO: [Gives C-KO a concerned look] What --- what did you do?
C-KO: I didn't do anything. After all, they must have known it was a rude question.
B-KO: What happened?
C-KO [smugly] Gir's got some interesting attachments.
GIR: I'm a little teapot!
B-KO [Eyeing GIR warily] That's... nice, Gir.
GIR: I'm going to make a pony! [Runs over to a bin and starts pulling out spare parts]
B-KO: I suppose it goes to show that one ought to be careful what one asks for.
C-KO: I think it goes to show that you ought to be careful where you put your fingers.
A-KO: I'm still hungry.
GIR: Want a cupcake? [Reaches into his head and pulls out a chocolate cupcake] It's got sprinkles!
[Lights slowly lower on the stage as all four of them settle down to a homey, busy evening, with a few explosions. Curtain.]
In honor of St. Expedite, with sincere and humble gratitude for the help, and appreciation that we got exactly what we asked for. Many, many thanks.
The Play begins with the curtain down.
A-KO: [offstage] Once upon a time, there were a mad scientist, a mad artist, and a mad er... er.. television personality, and they all lived together in a studio beside a river.
[Curtain lifts for ACT I]
[Scene: A crowded workshop. The space is filled with bits and pieces from former Shadowplays, including tables littered with junk, large set pieces looming in the background, and mysterious wires dangling from the ceiling. One table is full of bubbling retorts and distillation equipment, including a jacob's ladder and a tiny Van de Graaff generator, the latter wreathed with roses. In the background, something which looks like a large lathe is draped with bunting and artificial flowers. A carnival head with enormous antlers has been put away on a high shelf; colored bulbs hang from the antlers.
B-KO, dressed in a lab coat, is sprawled on a beanbag chair slightly to stage left. She is watching a television which is hooked up, by a number of cables, to a large, messy complex of machinery, part of which is labeled "UNIVERSAL ROBOT REPAIR MECHANISM."
C-KO, still with small wings, and dressed in a short frilly skirt and a ridiculous little maid's cap, enters from stage left.]
C-KO: I'm home.
B-KO: Shhhhhh! I'm watching Mythbusters!
C-KO: Great, just great. I work my ass off all day waitressing while you lie around watching television. [She takes off the maid cap and flings it aside; it lands on something which looks like an old-fashioned antenna and dangles there sadly.]
B-KO: I'm doing research! [She waves a clipboard.]
C-KO: Research?
B-KO: Yes, I'm watching all the shows and estimating their budget, so I know how much the government is likely to fund me for.
C-KO: [snorts] Fat lot of good that will do. [She stomps over to an artist's slope, stage right, and sits down on a box labeled "ACME GUARANTEED TNT: -BEST EXPLOSIONS, EVERY TIME-." She begins to work at something pinned to the slope.]
A-KO: [enters from around the pile of stuff in the back.] I have such a terrible crick in my neck!
B-KO: Shhhh! [Sounds of explosions and people laughing maniacally come from the television set.]
C-KO: [Absently.] Why?
A-KO: I fell asleep in the flying saucer while I was making some modifications. [She goes to a refrigerator, moves a couple of 50-gallon drums from in front of the door, and opens it.] Don't we have anything in here besides iced tea?
C-KO: No.
A-KO: Didn't you buy anything on your way home from work?
C-KO: I don't get paid until Friday.
A-KO: You're so mean. What's in this? [Takes out a large tupperware container.]
B-KO: Shhhhhh! I'm trying to take notes here! [She scribbles on her clipboard.]
C-KO: [without looking up.] That's either the cloned sea cucumbers or B-Ko's leftovers from the flea circus.
A-KO: [putting it back without opening it.] You're so mean. We need someone who cares about food around here.
C-KO: What we really need around here is someone else who's willing to get a job.
B-KO: [dreamily] I need a robot. We need a robot.
A-KO: You all suck. [Stomps out, stage left.]
[C-KO continues to work. B-KO continues to watch television. Presently, A-KO bursts back in, sopping wet and carrying something that looks like either a deformed watermelon or the world's largest peach.]
A-KO: Look what I found!
C-KO: Why are you wet?
A-KO: I fell in the river. But that's not important, look at this peach!
B-KO: Clearly, someone else around here must be into mad science! Look at the size of that thing!
C-KO: Did you find that in the river? The one right outside? No way am I eating that, that's totally insanitary, completely aside from my feelings about eating things mad scientists have been experimenting on.
A-KO [setting the peach down on a table she clears with a sweep of her arm] Don't be so fussy, at least I found something for dinner! [She rummages about and comes up with a huge cleaver.] This will be fantastic!
B-KO: Wait, let me take some measurements!
C-KO: Let me put on a raincoat, that thing is going to splash!
A-KO: [raises the knife] We're going to eat you, little peachy!
[Before she can slice the peach, it falls into two halves. In the center is GIR, slurping out of a bottle labeled "PEACH SODA."]
GIR: HiiiiiiiiiiiIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A-KO: [drops knife] What the---! AUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
B-KO: It's a ROBOT!
C-KO: Well, that was unexpected.
A-KO: AAAUUUGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
GIR: Will you be my new friends?
B-KO: Of course! Why don't you come over here and let me examine you?
GIR: Sure! [Hops down from the table]
A-KO: AAAAUUUUGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
B-KO: Now just step over here... hmmmmm.....
GIR: Oh, look at the funny dial!
B-KO: Yes, that's just right.... A-Ko, could you PLEASE be a little quieter?
A-KO: AAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
C-KO: I doubt it.
B-KO: Well, why on earth not?
C-KO: That would be because she dropped the knife on her foot.
A-KO: AAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Curtain]
[ACT II]
[Scene: The same workshop. In the background, the Van de Graaff generator is putting off small blue sparks and ghostly roses. A-KO, with one foot in a large cast, is sitting on the beanbag chair, watching GIR in the "kitchen" -- a set of work tables around the refrigerator.]
A-KO: Now you pour in the liquid nitrogen very, very slowly, Gir.
GIR: Okay! [Tips up the liquid nitrogen canister with one hand, pours it out into the large mixing bowl on the enormous restaurant-size stand mixer.]
A-KO: And start the --AUGH! [She yells as the cloud of nitrogen billows over and obscures everything.] What's going on?
GIR: [Two glowing eyes shining through the nitrogen fog] I'm stuck to the bowl.
C-KO: [Enters from stage left, in her maid-waitress uniform] What the-- Is something on fire?
A-KO: No, no! We're making peach ice cream!
Gir: I like ice cream!
C-KO: I think your ice cream exploded.
B-KO: [Appearing from behind a large, half-disassembled washing machine which is labeled, for some reason, MELCHIOR.] Exploded? How did you manage to do that? Let me see!
GIR: I haven't exploded. Yet.
A-KO: [Still in a cloud] I didn't hear an explosion!
B-KO: Gir, come help me make more explosions!
GIR: [Tugging on one arm, which appears to be stuck to the metal bowl of the mixer] Ummm! Rrrrr! Rrrrrrggh! I can't.
A-KO: We have to finish making ice cream first!
C-KO: [Wanders over, looks into the mixing bowl] Looks like you're done. Here, Gir. [Picks up a heating element, plugs it in, and holds it to GIR's arm.]
GIR: [Pops free of the bowl and falls over] Whee!
C-KO: Why don't we clean this up a little, Gir?
B-KO: But... explosions...
C-KO: Later, B-ko.
A-KO: What about our ice cream? I'm starving!
C-KO: [putting a mop into GIR's hands] You'll have to wait for it to thaw a little first.
[C-KO starts picking up some of the mess. GIR mops for a while, then ties rags to zir feet and goes skating around the floor. B-KO appears to be collecting small machine parts and model cars into a box, muttering all the while.]
B-KO: Gir, come here and help me assemble this!
GIR: Yes, sir! [Gir skates over to B-ko and starts helping B-ko build... something. It looks like a miniature castle made out of clockwork.]
A-KO: Gir, bring me some ice cream!
GIR: Yes, sir! [Grabs the entire mixing bowl and hurls it in a deadly accurate arc at A-KO's head.]
A-KO: [is hit on the head with the ice cream bowl, which makes a loud CLANG! She slides gently to the floor.]
C-KO: Gir... you should have handed the ice cream to her.
GIR: [Puts head on one side, gives C-KO a very blank look.] Why?
[B-KO's clockwork castle explodes. B-KO shrieks with excitement. GIR applauds. Curtain.]
[ACT III]
[Scene: The same workshop. The Van der Graff generator is off. The clockwork castle -- now in ruins, except for one tall tower with something which might be a telescope at the top of it -- is sitting prominently on a workbench. A-KO is lying sadly on a couch, her foot still in a cast, and her head heavily bandaged.]
C-KO: [Enters from stage left, in the maid-waitress uniform. Following her is GIR, also in a maid-waitress uniform] What a day. Gir, I'm very proud of you.
B-KO: [Working on a half-disassembled robotic dinosaur] Why, what did Gir do?
C-KO: Gir terrorized no fewer than three of the the dickheads who usually try to pinch my ass into leaving huge tips.
B-KO: How did zie do that?
GIR: They wanted to know what was under my skirt! [Twirls around]
B-KO: [Gives C-KO a concerned look] What --- what did you do?
C-KO: I didn't do anything. After all, they must have known it was a rude question.
B-KO: What happened?
C-KO [smugly] Gir's got some interesting attachments.
GIR: I'm a little teapot!
B-KO [Eyeing GIR warily] That's... nice, Gir.
GIR: I'm going to make a pony! [Runs over to a bin and starts pulling out spare parts]
B-KO: I suppose it goes to show that one ought to be careful what one asks for.
C-KO: I think it goes to show that you ought to be careful where you put your fingers.
A-KO: I'm still hungry.
GIR: Want a cupcake? [Reaches into his head and pulls out a chocolate cupcake] It's got sprinkles!
[Lights slowly lower on the stage as all four of them settle down to a homey, busy evening, with a few explosions. Curtain.]