The Truth Is... [The End of the World is Also the Beginning] --- Parts 8-17
Title: The Truth Is... [The End of the World is Also the Beginning]
Authors: al_x_kitty, Michi
Rating: ?PG? (not sure yet)
Genre: ?Romance/Angst? (not sure yet)
Pairing: Elricest
Warning: WIP, everything subject to change, or not get finished.
Earlier: 1, 2-3, 4-7
Edward's eyes got wide at his brother's rampage of mashed together sentances.
"Woah...Al...slow down. Look...I'm sorry. I just......what was I supposed to do...I was afraid if I said nothing you'd go for Winry and I'd never stand a chance. Now you're always hanging out with Heidrich and Edward.......I just feel like I have been replaced..."Edward rushed out, not able to stop the flood of sentances he'd unleashed.
He looked away as his face darkened to a deep shade of red. He'd never been good at emotional stuff and this didn't help him any. He waited anxiously for a reply.
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At first, he was too caught up in his own thoughts to register what his brother was saying, only aware of a slight humming sound drifting in from somewhere to penetrate his thoughts. Slowly, there were words, sentences, feelings. He paused then, trying to piece together what was being said, guess at what he'd already missed. And then, there it was. One sentence caught his attention above all the rest, causing him to sit up on the bed, staring incredulously at his older sibling.
".....Replaced.....?" the word came out slowly, as if something foreign and bitter in his mouth, "Brother... What..."
He hadn't even thought of it from that perspective before, had been avoiding it, really. Replaced... Is that what he was doing? Was he trying to replace his brother? No, no, he could never.... But then what was there to explain his actions? What made him cling so childishly to these other people, made him trust them enough to tell them all the things that he was here to say but couldn't? No, maybe....
He shook his head, at a loss.
"You could never be replaced, Brother....." his mind fumbled for something more to say, something to reassure the boy standing across from him who was looking so suddenly troubled, "......I just.... Don't know what to do....."
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Edward looked up at his brother, confusion registering on his face. Not replaced. Then what? How could his brother not know what to do? Was he really that different?
"Don't know what to do about what, Al?" Edward asked.
He was relieved at the same time knowing that he wasn't being replaced, but then why didn't his brother tell him anything anymore? Why was he always with other people? What made him so different then them?
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Alphonse sighed, averting his eyes from the quizzical golden gaze that was threatening to take his voice from him entirely. This was too hard. Was he making it too hard? There had to be something fundamentally wrong with the whole picture. This was his brother, the one who had loved him, accepted him, protected him.... So why couldn't he find the words to say?
"This is wrong, 'Niisan...." he said finally, softly, never removing his gaze from the wall, not wanting to see the face of the one he'd come here to see, "All of this is just wrong."
He trailed off, knowing even before his vision blurred that the tears would come, turning his face farther away as he felt one slide warmly down his cheek. This was bad, and getting worse. It was all a mess. What was he doing? None of this should have happened. They were brothers, this was Ed.
They were brothers. He repeated the thought to himself again and again, almost outwardly cringing, yet still trying to gain enough of a hold on himself to continue speaking.
When the words finally did come, they were broken and soft, "Why, 'Niisan? .......Why........"
He turned back, large grey eyes searching his brother's face for some sort of solace, some kind of answer, praying for a grin that would tell him it had all been a joke, fearing a look of anger and disgust, hoping.... Hoping with all his heart that this was just another dream.
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Wrong.....that word echoed in his brain as all other thought vanished from it. Wrong....his brother even said it was. Someone he'd loved as long as he could remember. Now he was wrong....even in his brother's eye. The only opinion that ever really mattered to him....the only...Edward turned his head away and stared at a spot on the wall. He wished he could be that spot...
"Sorry Al..." were the only words he could manage to get out before that lump in his throat stole the rest.
He closed his amber eyes and silently wished himself into nothingness, somewhere back beyond that gate where none of this was real.
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He was aware of many things at that moment; the pounding of his heart, the tears sliding down his cheeks, his breath hitching in his throat, the fluttering in his stomach, the sweat on his palms..... But none of them were so vivid as the pain that he felt as his brother turned away from him.
Dear god, gods, goddesses..... What was he doing, what had he already done? His brother, so strong, able to survive the impossible.... Suddenly, that strength was gone. It hadn't been a monster to tear it down..... Or had it?
He was standing, wiping his eyes with his sleeve, and walking before the thought had even begun to form in his mind. His brother shouldn't look like this, act like this, sound like this. Not his brother. Not Ed. Not because of him.
Each step was on autopilot, with multitudes of little voices screaming nonsense in the back of his mind. Threats, fears, damnation. Regardless, they all went unheard. He could not let this happen again, could not be the one to wound his brother. For all the scars, all the blood, bruises, and tears..... Always his fault.
Timidly, shaking, he wrapped his arms around his brother. This was wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Of course it was..... But it was what he'd wanted for so long. His brother was here, he was warm, he was whole..... Even through his tears, Alphonse found himself smiling a little. He could feel him, his brother's still slightly damp hair leaving droplets of water on his shirt; he could smell him, an almost forgotten but still wonderfully familiar scent mixed with the clean smell of soap and shampoo. For a brief moment, he fancied having the ability to pause time, to stay there forever, to just be near....
But this was wrong. Even if it was something normal, the thoughts and feelings attatched to the action were..... He was sure, painfully so, that this was wrong.
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Edward's eyes opened and widened as he felt his brother's arms wrap around him. Now he was dreaming, he had to be. He leaned his head back against his brother. His almost unfamiliar scent surrounded him. It was something he never thought he would smell again. The body pressed against his was solid, warm, and completely Alphonse. A serene smile graced his face as he closed his eyes and just enjoyed the moment, never wanting it to end.
He held on to any hope that this was real, not his mind playing him again, but reality. His brother was actually there. Holding him.
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Wrong. Wrong. Painfully wrong. All rational thought still screamed this at him, but at the moment the only thoughts focused in Alphonse's mind were on his brother. Another shudder, another flip of the stomach, things that were not normal when it was only your brother that was so near. But that thought was quickly pushed aside with a small frown. No, for now, this was right.
He was smiling. In just s simple gesture, somehow all had been made right with the world. Alphonse wasn't sure if he'd ever seen such a sight before -- most certainly not in recent years. Yet there was no mistaking it, he was smiling. Edward was smiling perhaps the only purely genuine smile to grace his lips in years. It was as if time really had stopped, the world rid of all evils.
He was staring by now, he knew, and for that Alphonse was glad that his brother had closed his eyes again. For a brief moment, he was allowed to study that face, beautiful in its familiarity, yet still distressingly foreign. He looked almost like a cat, Al mused, almost laughing even as more tears began to retrace the tracks of their predecessors.
"'Niisan..... Don't ever apologize to me again....."
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Edward opened his eyes and stared up at his brother. He reached up with his right hand and brushed the tears away.
"As long as you promise not to cry anymore...."he replied.
Comfort. Absolute peace. That's how he felt in his brother's arms. It was a feeling he never wanted to let go. A feeling he thought he'd never feel again if Al let him go now. He smiled slightly at his brother and waited for a reply.
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Grey eyes met golden, and there was a moment of silence before Alphonse smiled, still shaking, and responded, "I don't think either of those things will ever stop, Brother."
And it was true. As long as he could remember, his brother had always smiled in the face of trouble, shouldered everything on himself, taken all the blame so that no one else had to worry. Alphonse was the same, in a way, maybe even learning this trait from his brother over time. His brother never cried, and Alphonse knew that he was partly to blame for this, that Edward would never show weakness infront of his younger brother. And so Al had cried for him, for them both. As different as they seemed, they were still brothers, very much alike, and equaling out in eachother their faults.
Brothers.... For the moment, that word held none of the previous negativity. Indeed, thinking back on it, he was glad. Without that connection, without each other, they'd be nothing.
With that bittersweet realization, however, came reality returning. He closed his eyes for a moment, regretting that time had begun once again, regretting the ache in his heart and the uneasiness in his stomach. He shuddered lightly again and looked away, slowly dropping his arms to his side, looking beaten.
"......I'm sorry, Brother..... Please, don't think I hate you..... I don't. I could never. .......All I've wanted for as long as I can remember is to be able to be near you..... But... It's not right, is it? ......It can't be right.... Not the way I....... Not the way it should be....." the tears had stopped by now, but his voice was still hoarse, failing, ".......I don't know what to do......"